Just another morning

[goingtotesco]

This morning I said to DH that I'm going to tesco, he asked for couple of things (so he definitely heard me). A bit later i got ready to go and said that I'm going now.
He then says he has couple of parcels to take, can I wait 5 minutes, before i can reply he says never mind I know you want to go now so go and I'll go myself later (last part said not in a happy tone)
I said i can wait, he said don't
I'm still waiting (about an hour)
I suppose I should have just gone?
Carry on waiting? I've got the feeling whatever i do will be wrong

You should have just gone to Tescos. I would leave now and ignore him further. Presumably he still has not left for the post office with his parcels.

What is he like with you day to day; always like this or is he more "nice" to you sometimes?.

Passive-aggressive types like this need ignoring. Just go and do whatever you need to do, with the timeframe you set. If he doesnt get out of bed/ sort his parcels / put his shoes on, you go without him.

I can't be doing with this passive aggressive nonsense, I'd not concern myself with what he wants, I'd just go.
If he wants to go with you he can communicate like an adult not a 5 years old.

If its this hard to just go to the supermarket then you're wasting your time with him.

Overall took about 1.5 h to get that parcel ready to go. He did not intend to come with me.
Yes he can be nicer but can also be worse
I suspect he's in a bad mood because i went to bed early last night.. he won't say that of course.

Coercive control is not something you should try to find coping strategies to endure, it is something you should remove from your life.

I said i can wait, he said don't
At this point I would have said "ok no worries, see you later" in a cheery voice and left. He wants you to feel bad for last night, so is looking for reasons to do so. Do not pander to this type of behaviour.
He is huffy, childish, moody and down right pathetic. He needs to behave like an adult.

I do feel sad that that's the person that supposedly loves me but I mostly feel contempt from him. And probably now towards him too.
I'm sad mostly and lately it's starting to affect my health but i feel trapped by circumstances and even if i could leave I don't think my life will be better. I don't believe in finding someone else and being a single parent has challenges and most of all I can't do this to the kids.
I've thought to myself to wait 10years, the kids will be older, closer to leaving home anyway and hopefully I would have improved my financial situation too. But this also makes me sad- kids will leave home and I'll be close to 50 starting again on my own.

I don't know your circumstances but its never a better idea to stay 'just for the kids'. I guarantee they see and hear more than you think. They will also be picking up his treatment of you and may go on to think this is a normal relationship.
I split with my ex over 3 years ago and he was a bit like this. He wore me down and I became a worse parent staying with him. I'm now happy and this projects onto my children.

Don't be miserable for a decade! How can you live with this?

Hi goingtotesco

re your comment:-

"I've thought to myself to wait 10years, the kids will be older, closer to leaving home anyway and hopefully I would have improved my financial situation too. But this also makes me sad- kids will leave home and I'll be close to 50 starting again on my own".

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
Please do not adopt such a fatalistic attitude here and besides which 50 is not old!. Also staying with this individual actively stops you from meeting someone else who is actually worthy of you (this man you're with is not worthy to even clean your shoes because of his passive aggressiveness shown towards not just you but in turn your kids).

Not all kids either leave home to go to University and if you did decide to split up when for instance they were just off to uni it would just further pull the rug out from underneath them. Waiting for the children to go off to college and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.

Do not further do your bit here to teach the children that your relationship with their dad was based on a lie. Do not make your above comment your legacy to them. Staying basically for the sake of the children is rarely a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They are not stupid and they can and do pick up on all the vibes here; both spoken and unspoken. For your own part you are teaching them that currently at least, this from their dad towards you is still acceptable to you on some level.

Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children.

Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

Ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship now in terms of your own needs being met. He has no interest in meeting your needs at all and probably as well regards you as a nuisance or maid.

If you are really now only using these children as a reason to stay within this relationship (a bad decision for not just you but your children too) then you personally are not getting anything out of it. So what does that tell you?.

OP If you are unhappy, and there is no love left why stay and be miserable. The clock only ticks one way and it keeps on ticking. Think of the future. Look upon it as a new life without regret, and don't leave it too long before you do something.
How do I know all of this ? Because I was in your shoes once with three teenagers and I left a barren horrible marriage behind. No more being told who wears the trousers and 'I wouldn't have done that'.
It was a joy to be rid of him.

Do you really think the kids won’t notice? Don’t you think they’d be better off with a happy mother?

I do see all your points but i just can't do it. Not now anyway.
Partly it is the fear of unknown, it's also quilt I would feel for being the one to leave it's many things. One of his biggest moves has been in an argument to say that we should split up , he will leave etc That would usually shock me and of course I never wanted it so would ask him not to, apologise etc
I think if that was to come up I would not beg for him to stay anymore. But I'm starting to think he never really considered leaving it was just a thing to say to get to me. Maybe

OP this is oh so familiar to me, my DH to a tee. His speciality is making it crystal clear he is annoyed with me for something but absolutely refusing to admit it or tell me what I've done. I'm not leaving either (my own reasons) so I've had to find ways round it.

I use a combination of ignoring/deliberately not picking up on the fact that he's annoyed and direct confrontation/calling out of his behaviour. I don't pander to it ever, at the ignoring stage I just get on with my day and don't allow his sulking to affect me so I would have just gone to Tesco when he told me to carry on in your position.

If it gets past that stage and I need to do something about it because it's been going on for days and/or I need his participation in something, then I call him out. I've usually worked out what imagined slight he's upset about by then so I will just casually state that I know why he's pissed off and suggest he either behaves like an adult and speaks to me about it or gets over himself because I'm not putting up with his shit anymore.

He doesn't like it but he is slowly learning that sulking doesn't get him anywhere and that I can see straight through what he's doing. It's not an ideal solution I realise, and not one I would recommend if you're not sure how he would react and whether you might be in danger, but it's the best I've got for now so just thought I'd share

Youre not getting anything out of this relationship with him now are you?.

Rip the plaster off rather than just plod along as you are doing.

As for fear of the unknown I would feel the fear and do it anyway. There is no upside for you, or your children for that matter, in staying in a marriage like you describe. You are never too old to start again. As for guilt too what do you have to feel guilty about?. Do you think he feels guilty for treating you like this, no not a bit of it. He also feels entitled to act like this too. Look at his parents OP; chances are one or even worse both of them act the same as he does.

To Lightsareon - the responsibility for his behaviour and sulking (this is really a form of emotional abuse) is all his and its not your job to at all try and jolly him out of it.

Why would he be annoyed at you for going to bed early? That doesn't sound right at all

Don't put up with this, you deserve better, he'll wear you down

I don't think I said I 'jolly him out of it', I call him out on his behaviour pretty much every time and he ends up having to apologise to me and drop whatever sulk he's in, I don't 'jolly' and I don't put up with it.

You may well have your own reasons for staying but it may well not at all wash with any children if you are a parent. They could well call you daft for staying and could also accuse you of putting him before them. All that could also damage your own relationship with them as adults.

Time and time again women stay in relationships or marriages long past their sell by date for many, to them, valid and sound reasons. Some cite staying for the children, fear of the unknown, financial worries to name but three of many reasons. It can be a decision that could ultimately backfire because the now adult children of such women can go on to wonder why their mother chose to stay with their abuser of a husband thus also affecting their own relationship with their mother, let alone their father. These people are not unaware and do pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken. These people certainly do not go back home to see their mum and dad either if they are still together then very often if at all.

I agree with you in general, but I also know it's not always possible to leave (for a multitude of reasons) so thought some coping strategies might be helpful to OP. In an ideal world no one would be stuck in an abusive relationship but for those who are sometimes it's just about making it bearable for now.

#lightsareon - I agree with you completely and do the same, except when I lose my temper, which to be honest just exacerbates the situation. You have to work out why they are upset (because they certainly won't tell you), address it, and ignore all the childishness.

I am lucky in some ways, this behaviour doesn't happen too often now, perhaps because I do challenge every time. In the past it did happen more, and I used to get so upset. It's not so bad now.

OP, it's up to you to decide if you want to stay for now, you may be happier (for now) if you change the way you react to this form of abuse.

Maybe you don't feel right now that you can leave, but things can change. A few months ago I left my stbxh of 20 years with whom I have 3 kids and who acts just like you have described. Within the space of 2 years I went from thinking "If he left me, I'd probably be ok" to "Well, men have a shorter life expectancy than women, so I may get a couple of years of peace after he dies" (way to set high standards...) to "I suppose I could leave, however much that terrifies me right now (because I was afraid of putting myself at risk of being physically hurt by him)" to "I think I know the right decision but it's a matter of getting up the courage to do it" to finally "I have to leave for the sake of my mental health and the happiness of my children". @Carolamc, you sound so beaten down. You deserve so much better than 'not so bad' and I hope you get it.

This man will emotionally drain you and erode you into the type of person and type of mother that you don’t want to be, don’t recognise and don’t like and your DCs don’t like either.

This type of fake dynamic is fully sensed by children even if they don’t understand it they absorb and internalise the stress which leaves them unhappy and confused. This has the potential to stunt their emotional development - you need a serious talk with your DH and a commitment from him to address the dynamic for the sake of your DCs.

@goingtotesco, towards the end of my relationship I used to dearly wish he would go ahead and leave. It puzzled me for a long time that someone who acted so bloody miserable and unhappy all the time was sticking around. I realised eventually he would do no such thing because he had such a good thing going at home, lording it over everyone else who were falling over ourselves to make sure he was happy. By leaving his family, he would be the villain and not the victim. And he does so love to be the victim.