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Just another morning

33 replies

goingtotesco · 15/07/2020 10:32

This morning I said to DH that I'm going to tesco, he asked for couple of things (so he definitely heard me). A bit later i got ready to go and said that I'm going now.
He then says he has couple of parcels to take, can I wait 5 minutes, before i can reply he says never mind I know you want to go now so go and I'll go myself later (last part said not in a happy tone)
I said i can wait, he said don't
I'm still waiting (about an hour)
I suppose I should have just gone?
Carry on waiting? I've got the feeling whatever i do will be wrong

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everythingbackbutyou · 15/07/2020 18:46

"I'll go myself later" presumably said in a way which implied you were a feelingless psychopath if you would demand such a sacrifice from him. These guys really must be issued a standard textbook of how to conduct themselves while simultaneously convincing their partner that it is their failings that are to blame. In my experience, contempt for them is the first stepping stone to freedom.

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Sssloou · 15/07/2020 18:52

You need to do anything and everything to ensure that your DCs have emotionally vibrant, present, focused and confident parents - because this is the role models that will nourish and define them emotionally and allow them to succeed in life. They need a calm and peaceful home where love, kindness and respect is the baseline.

Anything less is not enough and they will pay the price. If anyone or anything is stopping you providing these basics for your DCs you need to put that right.

They deserve this. The money, the fake intact family alongside the the negative vibe in their home will not serve them well.

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everythingbackbutyou · 15/07/2020 18:58

@Sssloou, absolutely. I grew up with a personality disordered parent, as did my dad. I was buggered if I was going to give my children the same legacy and send them down a path towards their own abusive relationships because it was all they knew.

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goingtotesco · 15/07/2020 21:08

@sssloou
I am worried about that too, what you say makes a lot of sense unfortunately

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goingtotesco · 15/07/2020 21:15

@Lightsareon

Thank you, i feel for you for dealing with similar issues. Unfortunately my DH does 'not respond well' to being called out on anything at all, so not really much of an option and he's not keen on apologising.
Still I suppose sometimes i do manage to cheerily pretend it didn't get to me and carry on, but it does get to me, more than i have even realised myself. I'm starting to see so many things that are just not ok, instances from the past sometimes pop in my head and i now realise how bad it was but at the time i was just desperate for him to just be nice to me and maybe i still am but i think less and less by the day

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goingtotesco · 15/07/2020 21:26

@everythingbackbutyou

Well done for getting away!
I do think there may come a day (sooner than in 10 years) when I'm done, but I'm not there yet.

That's the same conclusion I've only just recently come to - that he's got no interest in leaving he just wants me to be afraid that he might and therefore 'behave'.
He's standard answer to any issue i have with him is 'why are you with me then'...
And yes everything is my fault. I am awful to him, i am 'despicable' etc
I do all of the housework, 95% of childcare, almost all cooking (he might cook once or twice a month), quite a bit of diy, usually take the bins out too etc, wash the car half the times, AND i have plenty of time left over to be awful to him.
He is completely free to spend his days as he pleases (not working currently),when i think about it it just makes me resentful and annoyed and sad, but I can't raise it because apparently household stuff is so petty to bring up

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everythingbackbutyou · 15/07/2020 21:44

@goingtotesco, Once I was accused of 'going on about it' because I wanted to carry on a discussion he felt was over about 5 seconds previously! I felt so unheard as I was never allowed to express any unhappiness. You sound like the scales have fallen as such, acknowledging that you are affected by the dynamic and starting to move away from needing him to be happy with you. I was raised such a people pleaser that anyone expressing displeasure with me would bring on an awful adrenaline rush. Even now I can't seem to say no to anyone in a straightforward way - before I know it I hear myself offering an alternative and trying to justify why I'm saying no. It's a really difficult reflex to break. If you decide to go, you will know when the time is right.

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everythingbackbutyou · 15/07/2020 21:50

And who is he to decide what is and is not petty?! I swear, my stbxh could say something like "I only burned the house down, why are you still going on about it? It's like I can't do anything right, I'm so depressed because you aren't affectionate enough after I ground you down over 2 decades", burst into crocodile tears and have his doting parents and half the town ready to attack me with pitchforks.