My heart is breaking, time for me to move on?

[Claire926]

I need help to move on from a past love interest. I have known a man who is 48 years old for 6 years from my walking group. I am in my 30s, I'm shy but am still able to interact with him. He is also reserved but popular with people in the group the same as I am.

Over the years it has been a ‘cat and mouse’ game where there is a strong attraction between us but we have never progressed to dating as he lacks confidence and this is clear from the way he behaves around women.

I usually pull away when I find out he has been on dates with other women. I know that he can date whom he likes as he is single but I pull away as I have feelings for him and I don’t want to get hurt.

He feels more comfortable asking someone out online, as he doesn’t like in person rejection. He has been on dates with women in the walking group but they asked him out. He never finds love as all of the women realise how socially awkward he is and he can be quite negative. I have not known him to have a partner during the 6 years. He has never been married or had any children so I’m thinking he must be a confirmed batchelor.

A few years ago I told him I liked him, as I didn’t know where I stood with him as we had spent a lot of time together and he was giving me signals. He had a panic attack and made up some excuse that he had been leading me on. I stayed away and went to less walks and events but ever since he has tried to woo my interest back with the things he says.

I have always acted aloof since the rejection, as I don’t want to be used as a back up plan and I wanted him to think I had moved on. One time we were at a party and because I had pretended I had moved on he seemed disappointed so he got chatting to another woman that I knew. I was with friends and saw he and this woman was getting on well and I burst into tears. He never saw me cry and my friends were really shocked.

He asked about my dating just before lockdown, which I thought, was odd as he hasn’t asked this before and why does he want to know. I asked about his dating and he said he had no luck and that he had tried speed dating and he uses Plenty of Fish and that only the older women contact him. I’m not sure why he uses that site as I have heard it gets bad reviews.

During lockdown I joined some online groups to meet new people for after lockdown. I found after I joined he was a member of some of the groups and he seemed to keep commenting on one woman’s posts in particular. Soon as I joined he stopped commenting, which it is clear he feels uncomfortable with me seeing what he posts.

I went for a walk with him and some others last weekend but I don’t know why but we were awkward around each other and hardly spoke. I feel lockdown has made people feel down and he was quite down and said he has been lonely on lockdown and been walking on his own. I wanted to say to him I would have come walking with him but I couldn’t get the words out. I felt sad that he felt lonely in lockdown. Since the walk he has made his dating profile visible again.

He was a bit negative on the walk and being the positive person I am I would have to reframe back what he said in a positive way to him because some of the things he was saying were not right. I should not have to do this, as I want someone who is positive and in a good place too.

I don’t know if he being negative or has these mood swings are to do with him as a person such as a mental health issue. He is a mental health nurse so I don’t know if his job pressure affects him. He is also a Scorpio, I know some people don’t believe in horoscopes but they say Scorpio males may have a mood swing tendency.

I have come to the realisation that there will be no relationship between us. I don’t know why I’m so hung up on this man. It is clear he is non-committal, has mood swings and can be negative at times. If he was such a catch he would not still be single. I think I have built up an image in my head of someone that does not really exist. Just because he is handsome and we have common interests does not mean he is good for me. This situation is affecting my confidence.

I really care about him, which is why I still hold on because I don’t think I could ever deal with not seeing him ever again. I just started crying when the thought of never seeing him ever again popped into my head, it just feels so painful.

What is the best way to get this resolved? Ask him what he thinks or move on meet someone else? I feel I deserve so much more. Please can I have some advice.

OP you are obsessed with this man and his thoughts, feelings and actions. Find other groups or hobbies without him in it.

I think you hero worship him. He's not right for you though is he ?

Whoa. You really need to rip this plaster off. Find other groups and stop torturing yourself

Some men (and maybe women) get a feeling of validation from having women fawn all over them. I spent years being attracted to someone like that. He would drop me crumbs I clung onto but he never picked me. Years later we got back in touch via Internet. He has been happily married for years. He immediately took the conversation to remind me of our 'special connection' boom the scales fell from my eyes as I realised he was trying to get me to play the games again.... i am happily married so shut this down ASAP. (He had other girls in my position too...hence I knew it was a pattern). Maybe that's what he's doing to you?

I think you need to explore why you are attracted to this unavailable man? Is it a familiar pattern? Unfortunately it does sound like he's not into you however it also sounds like he enjoys the attention and he's a bit of a cock.

Limerence?
Do you date or have you been keeping yourself single just in case?

All a bit weird isn't it?

I think you need to meet different people. This little walking group sounds like it's hardly a fun event and I think you need to see what else is out there.

Have you read "Women who love too much?"

It sounds to me like you are attracted to him because he's unavailable.

Also, that negativity will not get better.

In public he's his best self. Can you imagine what it would be REALLY like to be in a relationship with someone that negative on a day to day basis?

Stop imagining what you could for him and how you could cheer him up and look for someone who has something to offer YOU.

There is no future with this man Op. You need to go cold turkey, keep away from him and any groups he is in/on. Join new groups. If you don't take this action now you will be wasting another six years and you won't be in the right frame of mind to have a relationship with anyone else while you are so obsessed and fixated on this man.

He’s not good enough. Keep that in the forefront of your mind. He doesn’t care enough to ask you out. He doesn’t care if you cry. He doesn’t care enough. You deserve more than him. You’ve tried putting your heart on the line. He didn’t respond. Sadly there is your answer. You’ve tried to back off and act like you don’t care, but you couldn’t carry it off. So give yourself some space. Cut yourself off from him. Go cold turkey. Delete his number and email etc. Don’t go to groups where he will be for a good few months. Do something new. Cut the chain. Meet new people.

You want someone positive, he is relentlessly negative. Doesn't work.

Get some counselling or something, six years of this crap is completely ridiculous. Also, leave out that guff about star signs, it really is a pile of made up nonsense and it very much reads as you trying to excuse what is essentially just bog standard shitty behaviour from an emotionally stunted and unavailable man who would be complete crap to actually date or live with.

You're obsessing over something that just isn't going to be. You've known him 6 years and nothing has happened. Walk away, he sounds like way too much hard work anyway. Find a new club.

He's nowhere near good enough for you. Are you hanging onto the thought of him because you're worried you won't be able to find anyone "better?" Trust me there is a million men out there better than him. While you're mooning after him you won't be available to find one.

I really think you should look up limerence and see if it rings any bells for you. One of the apparent signs of it is an obsession with having feelings reciprocated rather than focusing on the actual interactions and who this person is. You have already identified a few reasons why this man is not relationship material for you, including his negativity. But you seem to be fixated on whether he does return your feelings or not, going over each sign to reassure yourself. That sounds a lot like limerence.

OP you've posted numerous times about this man and it's clear this relationship was a non starter to begin with.

You've not even dated and the situation has made you cry, made you obsessive, had you blocking and unblocking him then getting upset when he does the same, upset at parties, checking his online profiles and now even looking for a reason it isn't working based on his starsign.

None of this is healthy behaviour. You need to step away from him, have some counselling and unravel why you've allowed yourself to get to this depth of feeling about someone you've never been with.

This isn't an attack, I just sort of want to shake you because it is so, so unhealthy.

I also worry that your headspace means you're ever so vulnerable to abusive / unhealthy relationships if you meet someone else before you have some counselling.

The level of upset you are experiencing versus the level of relationship you and him have had in real life indicates that the way you're feeling isn't all about him, it's about your self image, self worth, self esteem and understanding of relationships.

Your suggested solutions are to talk to him or date someone else. Both of those things involve you allowing other people to be the deciding factor in your headspace. You need to stop that. You're an adult with full agency over your own life. What you need is to have a break from other people being your focus and focus on you.

Is counselling something you'd think about?

Also - you contradict yourself by saying he hasn't asked you out because he doesn't like to ask women out in person and he panicked when you asked him out - yet he has been on dates with other women from the walking group who asked him out.

He sounds like he is playing people, he doesn't want any kind of commitment or an actual relationship but likes being the 'stud' of your walking group. Just how many women has he dated from this group?!

and that only the older women contact him
Like... how old?
Is he looking for a younger woman?
Honestly, he sounds like bloody hard work.
There is a reason he's nearing 50 and never had a LT relationship or marriage or kids!
Please see the red flags waving and move on from him.
He is no prize.
Stop chasing the dream.
He is a nightmare!

This article is quite useful to consider.

medium.com/game-of-self/when-a-crush-becomes-an-obsession-the-signs-of-limerence-48ec41cd7f2e

OP, you've posted about this man before, haven't you?

From my vague memories of your previous post/s and this one, it seems fairly clear that your 'strong attraction' with this man is largely, if not entirely, in your own head. He's never asked you out, despite dating other women in your walking group and actively online dating (and he's not too 'socially awkward' to chat to women at parties), and even when you told him directly you were attracted to him (and thereby soothed his fear of rejection), he still didn't ask you out.

You, on the other hand, emerge from all this as someone with a giant imaginary crush -- you burst into tears when you saw him talking to another woman at a party, and at the idea of never seeing him again, and you over-interpret as a 'signal' of something the fact that you think he stopped commenting on another woman's posts in an online group as soon as you joined it.

But in the nicest possible way, OP, it sounds to me as if he regards you as just another member of the walking club, while you're massively over-interpreting innocuous behaviours as attempts to 'woo' you, based on no evidence.

And it's not even clear why you like him, as by your own account he is negative, moody, and socially-awkward.

Put him out of your head and find a new hobby.

My friend used to get very hung up on whether men liked her even when she admitted she didn't really think they were very suitable for her at all (e.g. crap in bed, not very entertaining). She read 'He's Just Not that Into You' and it did help her see that whilst she was spending her time pining over trying to get a response from unresponsive/flaky men, she was wasting time she could have been spending with men who actually wanted to date or marry her:

www.amazon.co.uk/Hes-Just-Not-That-Into/dp/0007431856?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

This guy is not into you. He knows how you feel about him, and he hasn't pursued it, even worse he's dated other people in the group and not you. He likes the fact you like him, but he doesn't want to have a relationship with you at all, or he would have asked you out like the other group members. Sorry OP, this is an awful place to be, but the advice you have been given, to move walking groups, make different groups without him in it and block his number/contact, is the right advice as it will allow you to move onto someone who will be into you,

*as he lacks confidence and this is clear from the way he behaves around women.

I usually pull away when I find out he has been on dates with other women*

So he hasn't dated you because you've convinced yourself that he 'lacks confidence'. But he's dating other women? So he doesn't 'lack confidence' with them?

I think you are buidling a non-situation up. You fancy him; actually, you have a crush on him, nad you are tying yourself into linguistic knots to justify why he hasn't asked you out.

The truth is - he doesn't want to. He doesn't see you as a potential romantic partner. You're a friend, or an acquaintance. One he is superficially friendly with but not someone he wants to date.

You are reading things into his every glance, his every passing mention of things he enjoys. It's like being fourteen again, and chatting to that sixth former on the bus.

You need to resign yourself to the fact that this potential relationship is all in your head. Find other people, join new groups. Try dating people who actually are interested in YOU.

Such a long post about something that clearly is not going anywhere. Nor should it.

Read it back yourself. with strangers eyes. Take a step back and read it again. And then snap out of this delusional idea of this man.

He is not good for you. And you have to move on

OP, I also remember your previous posts about this man in your hiking group -- I remember one because you were worrying about dating a man who didn't have much money (or had anxiety? or both?), despite the fact that this man had never shown any interest in you, had never asked you out, and you had not even seen him at your joint activity in months, if not longer.

I don't usually bring up past posts and I haven't searched for yours
and I don't remember how long ago that post was, but it's clear you are still in exactly the same position, constructing elaborate (and not particularly blissful) fantasies about a man who has never shown any interest in you as a potential girlfriend.

Please don't waste any more months or years on him.

You've posted so much about this guy that I recognized your username OP. I didnt even have to search your threads.

Have you got any real life support? Have you ever had counselling? I just feel sad for you because I'm sure you are lovely, you just need to move on a bit here so that you can have some peace and happiness. This guy isnt for you x

You need to find a different walking group immediately.

The guy is clearly not interested and you've already invested so much of your mental energy to this. I imagine the reality of dating him would be very different to whatever it is you have in your head. Also, it's probably the fact you can't have him that is adding fuel to the fire.

You need to take back control of your life and emotions. Cut off all contact with this man. Yes, it will hurt but you will come out the other side stronger and hopefully meet someone who DOES want to be with you. Think of all the possible relationships you're missing out on because you're so fixated on this thing that doesn't even exist?