My heart is breaking, time for me to move on?

[Claire926]

I need help to move on from a past love interest. I have known a man who is 48 years old for 6 years from my walking group. I am in my 30s, I'm shy but am still able to interact with him. He is also reserved but popular with people in the group the same as I am.

Over the years it has been a ‘cat and mouse’ game where there is a strong attraction between us but we have never progressed to dating as he lacks confidence and this is clear from the way he behaves around women.

I usually pull away when I find out he has been on dates with other women. I know that he can date whom he likes as he is single but I pull away as I have feelings for him and I don’t want to get hurt.

He feels more comfortable asking someone out online, as he doesn’t like in person rejection. He has been on dates with women in the walking group but they asked him out. He never finds love as all of the women realise how socially awkward he is and he can be quite negative. I have not known him to have a partner during the 6 years. He has never been married or had any children so I’m thinking he must be a confirmed batchelor.

A few years ago I told him I liked him, as I didn’t know where I stood with him as we had spent a lot of time together and he was giving me signals. He had a panic attack and made up some excuse that he had been leading me on. I stayed away and went to less walks and events but ever since he has tried to woo my interest back with the things he says.

I have always acted aloof since the rejection, as I don’t want to be used as a back up plan and I wanted him to think I had moved on. One time we were at a party and because I had pretended I had moved on he seemed disappointed so he got chatting to another woman that I knew. I was with friends and saw he and this woman was getting on well and I burst into tears. He never saw me cry and my friends were really shocked.

He asked about my dating just before lockdown, which I thought, was odd as he hasn’t asked this before and why does he want to know. I asked about his dating and he said he had no luck and that he had tried speed dating and he uses Plenty of Fish and that only the older women contact him. I’m not sure why he uses that site as I have heard it gets bad reviews.

During lockdown I joined some online groups to meet new people for after lockdown. I found after I joined he was a member of some of the groups and he seemed to keep commenting on one woman’s posts in particular. Soon as I joined he stopped commenting, which it is clear he feels uncomfortable with me seeing what he posts.

I went for a walk with him and some others last weekend but I don’t know why but we were awkward around each other and hardly spoke. I feel lockdown has made people feel down and he was quite down and said he has been lonely on lockdown and been walking on his own. I wanted to say to him I would have come walking with him but I couldn’t get the words out. I felt sad that he felt lonely in lockdown. Since the walk he has made his dating profile visible again.

He was a bit negative on the walk and being the positive person I am I would have to reframe back what he said in a positive way to him because some of the things he was saying were not right. I should not have to do this, as I want someone who is positive and in a good place too.

I don’t know if he being negative or has these mood swings are to do with him as a person such as a mental health issue. He is a mental health nurse so I don’t know if his job pressure affects him. He is also a Scorpio, I know some people don’t believe in horoscopes but they say Scorpio males may have a mood swing tendency.

I have come to the realisation that there will be no relationship between us. I don’t know why I’m so hung up on this man. It is clear he is non-committal, has mood swings and can be negative at times. If he was such a catch he would not still be single. I think I have built up an image in my head of someone that does not really exist. Just because he is handsome and we have common interests does not mean he is good for me. This situation is affecting my confidence.

I really care about him, which is why I still hold on because I don’t think I could ever deal with not seeing him ever again. I just started crying when the thought of never seeing him ever again popped into my head, it just feels so painful.

What is the best way to get this resolved? Ask him what he thinks or move on meet someone else? I feel I deserve so much more. Please can I have some advice.

@rvby Have you got any real life support? Have you ever had counselling? I just feel sad for you because I'm sure you are lovely, you just need to move on a bit here so that you can have some peace and happiness. This guy isnt for you x

I have got family and friends who would support me. My friends thought I had moved on years ago and some of them do not want to hear about it anymore saying he has treated me poorly as it's the same old broken record. I would find it embarrassing telling some friends as they would think I was unstable. I just want to move on with my life.

Not sure if you saw my earlier post but can you look into counselling?

This behaviour is unhealthy and an obsessive fixation.

It has been for a while now and it's damaging your mental health further.

Also as I said it is making you very vulnerable to potential unhealthy relationships in future too.

You need to tackle your thought patterns and behaviour, not just think of this as a problem specific to your dealings with him.

CBT might be a good fit for helping you to recognise the thought patterns that are fuelling your behaviour.

Claire as I understand it, you and this man have never been in a relationship, so I don't see how he's treated you poorly?

Please find other groups to join and stop cyber stalking him. It's the only way you'll move on from this fantasy.

some of them do not want to hear about it anymore saying he has treated me poorly as it's the same old broken record

But @Claire926, isn't the issue that he hasn't treated you poorly, because he's never given you any reason at all to think he was interested in you as anything other than a friend/acquaintance with a shared hobby?

And agree, the fact you think he has treated you poorly shows how skewed your thinking on this is.

He is irrelevant really, you need to focus on your own behaviour, boundaries, actions and consequences to stop unhealthy attachments that continue even when it's clear the object of your attachment doesn't reciprocate.

It's so important you try to do this or you will spend the rest of your life in this cycle with various people.

X-post with @TwentyViginti. I agree also with @backseatcookers' suggestion of CBT -- this does sound as if it's a recurrent issue with your own somewhat obsessive thought patterns, and nothing to do with this man.

@backseatcookers Thank you for the counselling and CBT suggestion.

I think CBT is probably the way forward.

I know some people on here have said he hasn't treated me poorly but there were a few incidents that happened so obviously I could not list them all as my post was already long enough. Some of these incidents that he did I shouldn't even speak to him after the way he behaved.

Hi OP,

You have answered your own question with your last post. If he has treated you badly on a few occasions to the point you shouldn't speak to him and you are not even in a relationship this man is not good enough for you. You deserve much much better.
I think the counselling and CBT is a good idea and will help you move forward. You are young and have time to find someone who doesn't want to play games and will treat you well.
It will take time to get over this man but you will if you distance yourself. Don't spend time with him even if it means you have to change groups.
Good luck

You're welcome, it sounds like it could really benefit you.

Some of these incidents that he did I shouldn't even speak to him after the way he behaved.

And you need to let go of his behaviour in those incidents and focus entirely on why you did continue to speak to him afterwards, let alone continue to have obsessive levels of headspace about him.

It sounds to me like you're projecting the issues around your own thought patterns onto your interactions with this man. He could be anyone, really.

Definitely try some CBT

Move on. He doesn’t want you. You deserve so much better.
You don’t want a man that you have to chase to get little snippets from.
If he wanted to date you and wanted more, he would act.
He’s probably still single because he messes women about, not that he’s shy and awkward. He just doesn’t want commitment. Yuck.
You can and will do better.
Stop chasing him and trying to work him out...he’s never going to make you happy.

I kept having a sense of deja vu, thinking I have read this before, so ended up searching for your other threads. OP you have posted about this guy again and again (unless it's someone else that you have been fixated on). You are not even dating him, and yet you are so fixated on every little thing, every text, every interaction he has with other people on a website. I am sorry, but this is really not healthy. Get some therapy and stop wasting your precious years on this fantasy, if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. What makes him so special anyway, out of the 3 billion other guys on this planet?

I didn't realise this was the same walking group guy earlier but I remember it now.

OP, I really think you need to get some help. It sounds from your previous posts that he has done absolutely nothing wrong. You've labelled him a narcissist, but actually you seem to be very obsessed. Not a word i would use lightly

@youhave4substitutes This is another guy, the narcissist was someone else. I just think the walking group must draw a lot of dysfunctional men.

Dear OP, sending a handhold over this because i've been in a similar place. When i was younger i had a very bad habit of obsessing over certain guys who i usually didn't know all that well. without knowing it i would form a picture of what they were like and convince myself we were perfect for each other.

I spend 2.5 years obsessing over a guy i saw for 1 hour every week. I'd think about him all the time. I was mentally in a very low place at the time and his main crime was that he was nice to me and chatty. That was enough to convince me, in my very dark place, that he was right for me. Asked him out twice and he rejected me both times.

Skip forward 13 years and i cannot honestly believe i wasted my heart, my feelings and energy on someone i barely knew. All those wasted days yearning and crying and second guessing. It's exausting and draining and most of it was all made up in my head.

The best thing i did was to change my shifts so i stopped seeing him and tried hard to move on with more positive things in my life. I just wish i'd done that after 1 month, not 30.

Be kind to yourself. x

Op he is probably keeping you hooked on purpose so he can call on you when he needs an ego boost.if he really liked you he would act on it. You have given him.the opportunity. I would walk away. Sorry

Thank you for all of your replies. I have purchased a hypnosis cd called Stop ObsessiveLove and a book called Obsessive Love by Susan Forward. I know it is time now to tackle this issue as this obsession is very unhealthy and I can't keep procrastinating.I am the priority, not him.I am going away so I will listen and read these without any distractions. The silly thing is if this was a friend I would be saying the same things that everyone else keeps telling me.

Some of these incidents that he did I shouldn't even speak to him after the way he behaved.

Please don't message with him or anything again OP. Honestly you will feel so much better for it. xxx

It’s great to hear you are taking control/action. That’s a huge step forward already.

Crikey talk about going round in circles with one another...this is on another level! This could easily be resolved with a firm and frank discussion. Neither of you seem to have had the balls to actually say how you feel about the other. There’s unresolved tension which has built up and is now awkward. For goodness sake one of you (probably you OP) needs to actually be brave enough to broach the subject of dating. No game playing or cat and mouse antics. Just come straight out with it. If he rejects you then you know where you stand and you can move on!

@Middersweekly

For goodness sake one of you (probably you OP) needs to actually be brave enough to broach the subject of dating. No game playing or cat and mouse antics. Just come straight out with it. If he rejects you then you know where you stand and you can move on!

In the OP's opening post she mad it clear that she had told him how she feels:

a few years ago I told him I liked him, as I didn’t know where I stood with him as we had spent a lot of time together and he was giving me signals. He had a panic attack and made up some excuse that he
he had been leading me on.

It's fairly clear that this man is not interested. The OP doesn't need encouraging to make her feelings clear to this man. She needs encouraging to sort out her obsessive one way feelings for him. PP have given her some good suggestions on how to dissociate from this man which I hope she moves forwards with.

Absolutely, @kazzer2867.

I also remember the OP's previous posts about this man, and about another man (or the same one?) she took a class with, felt a 'spark' with and posted about wanting to move on from after he jokingly called her a bitch for being ahead in her class work, which she took badly. I remembered it because the style of her posts are always so similar, with similar ruminations about an attraction which for some reason has not led anywhere, the guy's anxiety, his behaviour in MeetUp groups and online dating. It seems clear that this is an obsessional pattern of overthinking and overanalysis of the OP's, and nothing to do with the behaviour of the people she fixates on.

Nothing the OP has ever said about this walking group man has suggested he in any way led her to think he was interested in her as anything other than a walking group buddy.

OP, I'm delighted you're moving ahead to deal with this. Very best wishes.