The First Step...

[IdowhatIwantnow]

NC again because I was outed last time.

But for those who remember (@hellsbellsmelons) I just told my realtor I'm postponing the sale of my house. And I'm shaking.

I haven't told DH yet (He's staying in another state in our "dream house").

My mental health is my priority.

Sorry for the lack of info. right now. I need a support system and don't want to be outed again.

No word from him since Sunday, and he hasn't changed anything with his social media, which is good for me because I'm guessing he's not taking this seriously.

I've reserved a UHaul for next Friday and 2 friends are going with me to get everything out of the house, including my pets, which will ride with me in my car. Fortunately, I don't have much to move, since he wanted me to get rid of all my stuff once he moved in.

I went to Goodwill yesterday and bought back 11 (out of maybe 50?) of my favorite CDs that he took there last year.

I can't believe how small I became in the past year.

I'm planning on giving him 2 days notice of my arrival via email. I'm taking next week to stay at a friend's house for a change of scenery and to write him a letter. He responds best to visuals. The last joint therapy session we had with my therapist he brought out an 8 page outline, with bullets, on things that I had done that caused him unspeakable anxiety. So I will format my 1 page letter using bullets and will detail my terms.

Having a wobble, first one since Sunday night and those texts. I was reading some old emails from him from July to my friend this morning, and he was begging me to join him at our new house in the next state. He said that being around the kitties and having the amazing view would be good for me. And he said he loved me and wanted us to "get back on track".

Those emails were after I told him I wasn't selling the house (at least, not then...) and that I needed to be with my support system until I could clear my head.

For the next week or more, he sent messages and emails full of hearts and "I love you's" and "I miss you's". But he never truly acknowledged my feelings or took ownership of his stuff. Even back then he was putting the blame on me along with the onus of fixing me.

His so called love just felt so conditional, ya know? Am I doing the right thing? I haven't heard anything from him all week and I haven't told him yet I'm coming next Friday to pick up my things. I'll tell him on Wednesday.

I feel so alone right now and need a handhold. He won't change, will he??? :(

I feel like I'm talking to myself.

Anyone?