The First Step...

[IdowhatIwantnow]

NC again because I was outed last time.

But for those who remember (@hellsbellsmelons) I just told my realtor I'm postponing the sale of my house. And I'm shaking.

I haven't told DH yet (He's staying in another state in our "dream house").

My mental health is my priority.

Sorry for the lack of info. right now. I need a support system and don't want to be outed again.

Hugs, well done.

Thank you so much @soulofanaggron!!!!!

Still shaking thinking of the verbal abuse I'm going to get when I do tell him. Or perhaps he'll tell me that I need to "up my meds" again.

Wow - that's a big step OP and a brave one.
You are putting yourself and your MH first at last.
You do deserve 100% happiness and I'm sorry you lost your previous support due to being 'outed'
But we are all here for a hand hold whenever you need it.
One step at a time.
You've got this!

@hellsbellsmelons, I'm so happy you found me again!

I just sent DH an email explaining that I don't feel comfortable putting my house on the market right now, because I need to feel comfortable and safe in our new house. I also said that I need to be near my support system and therapist. (If I move out of state, I can't see her anymore. some law...)

I'm shaking now waiting for his response.

And he responded, not addressing anything in my email about wanting to work together to become our best selves. He's wanting to know if I've met with my therapist this week and when will I see her next. wtf???

Now he's emailed me with a list of my past fuckups and questioned if my therapy was helping. He's convinced that it's my meds that need upping (I've been on the same SSRI for 30 years, with a few breaks).

He said, "You're in therapy but here we are." He's blaming the meds on my inability to think straight, rather than realizing that it's because of therapy that I found the strength to put myself first and say no to selling my house right now.

FWIW, I did not engage. I said in a prior response that I needed time and space. So I don't have to respond to his latest blame shifting.

And here all my friends were hoping he would rise to the occasion, reassure me that we're a team and will get through this and that he loved me. Deep down I knew it wouldn't happen. I'm so sad.

I'll just use this as a diary of sorts.

Now he's begging me to come to the other house, 2 hrs away, because he thinks a change of scenery will make me feel better. He just doesn't get it,

I can't live my life taking care of his moods.

No you can't.
Life is way too short OP.
You are being so strong right now.
Don't allow him to trample over your boundaries.
Do not go to him.
He can be in a mood all on his own.
Sounds like your friends have the measure of him as well.
I'm so glad you found out who he is before selling your place.
Well done.
If you need some space then you can block him for a while.
Just take some time for you for now.
Keep going OP.
You are awesome!

@hellsbellsmelons Reading your words this morning brought a tear to me eye! Thank you so much for your support!!!

I'm in my empty house, sitting on a folding chair in the living room, and living off frozen dinners (Healthy Choice Steamers!). I have my bed and a few clothes, but emotionally, I am stable. And that's all that matters right now.

The year before we married and he moved in with me, we were always on the same page, full of love and laughter, and never had a major conflict...and maybe 2 minor conflicts that were easily resolved. As soon as he moved in with me, things did a 180. I don't recognize the man I married anymore. It's like his anxiety exploded as soon as he sold his house, and I found myself doing everything possible to assuage his anxiety.

I viewed it as - being a supportive and understanding partner. Except, over time, I saw that he wasn't doing the same with me. My emotional needs weren't important, and if they caused him anxiety, the problem was mine alone and I was told to get into therapy and just 3 days ago-to up my meds.

Meanwhile, thanks to me in the beginning of our r'ship, DH got on meds for his anxiety which helped tremendously! Except...he stopped with that. Because he feels so much better.

I've told him in my email yesterday that I can't fix us alone and that our relationship problems are both of ours to fix together. I told him how much I loved him and how I wanted us to work together to become the strongest team ever.

His response? My meds are off and I'm not thinking straight.

Sadly, I'm feeling more stable right now than I have in over a year.

He emailed again this morning asking me to please come to the house tomorrow so he can "hug his wife." (am I repeating my earlier post? Oh well...) He still hasn't acknowledged anything I said in yesterday's email letter.

Does he really think or hope that a hug or a change of scenery is going to "get us back on track"?

I'm not responding to his email from this morning. There's no point. I told him twice yesterday that I need time and space. I'm not going to engage or JADE - justify, argue, defend or explain anymore. (I'm reading through @Treatedlikeamaid 's posts and learning so much!)

He just wants to get you there so he can ground you down and because once he's got you there, it'll be harder to get back out from under his bullshit

@VettiyaIruken I believe you're right. I don't know if it's a conscious thing with him (he doesn't have the self awareness for it to be conscious) but more of whatever he feels will calm his anxiety levels.

I'm tired of being merely a bandaid.

At some point I will need to go there and get some clothes and other belongings (everything I own is there!) but I'm ok for the next few weeks. I'll just go out an buy new underwear if I need to.

When I replied to his email stating, "I am not able to come," he replied, "ok, are you showing the house?"

Grrrrr! He really doesn't get it and is blaming this on me "not thinking straight."

I replied, "I am no showing the house." Deadpan, no emotion, and robotic is all he'll get in any response IF I respond.

Stick to your ground.
I did not read your earlier thread but I found this after you posted on Treatedlikeamaids thread.
I do not know your back story but from what I can gather here

• you do not have a reciprocal supportive relationship
• you have recognised (well done!) that you are being worn out supporting his anxiety
• you expressed your fears and concerns about being away from your therapist and your own support system when you move and he responded with a list of (your?) past fuck-ups. I think I read that right. The opposite of supportive and actually quite cruel. What is he doing? Keeping a log? It is demeaning to you.
• suggesting you need to up or change your meds. This is gaslighting as it makes you doubt your sanity. Your response to the situation is perfectly healthy and normal, it does not need medicated.

None of these things suggest a man who is willing to work on becoming his best self, I am afraid, but rather one who will expect you to carry all the emotional burden and load of the relationship, whilst berating you for not ever doing well enough. There is not a conversation in the texts you have discussed here; there is you asking him for understanding and him a) demeaning you, b) suggesting your concerns are pathological and c) pressuring you to sell your house (your current asset).

Keep strong. I presume you have a job and source of income where you are and you would maybe lose this if you moved. Another reason not to.

The dream house can be sold and he can recover his own money, I think. I presume also you don’t have children so now is the time to put the brakes on.

@KatySun Thank you!!

I've gotten so much helpful advice from your posts on TreatedLikeAMaid's threads!

My first thread I asked to be deleted because my SIL knows I come on here, and my details were too telling, and she started asking questions.

I wouldn't lose my pension by moving, but I would be completely isolated from people in general (it's a rural area) along with friends and my therapist. I was smart with money and have a very small mortgage that my pension will cover. And no kids on either side. Neither of us are "kid" people. (Kids are great, just not for me).

Your summary is so concise and spot on, I'm going to print it out and hang it on my computer.

He'd never been married before but has had several long term relationships, living with one gf for 5 years. I'm divorced once and still good friends with exDH (he's a good man and was kind to me, but we were totally incompatible and it was mutual and amicable). I'm also 10 years older than DH and 30 years ahead of him therapy wise.

And yes, you read that correctly. A list of my past fuckups which are as follows:

1. I told him to fuck off once after he was shouty to me and I was in tears asking him to leave me alone. I have apologized sincerely and profusely for this many times. I'm not apologizing again.

1. I once accelerated the car to 100 mph to pass people (5 sec. total) and "scared him to death" literally. He thought I was trying to kill him. wtf??? Again, I apologized sincerely....

1. I used the word "divorce" once in a sentence after one of our first arguments that got shouty and teary (me). I said, "If this isn't what you want or marriage isn't want you thought it would be, you're free to divorce me." I apologized...blah blah blah and have never used that word again.

I am sorry to hear this.

I am not sure if it is helpful but there was something I read in a book when I was still in my marriage which resonated with me. The book is called ‘Eroding the Soul: emotional abuse and the erosion of identity’ and it is by Marie-France Hirigoyen, a psychologist. She argued that the effect of emotional abuse is cumulative and that there are basically two ways people respond - the first is to submit (and try to placate) and the second is to push back; also that if you then lash out themselves, this makes you appear aggressive and unstable (which can be further used to perpetuate the abuse). I do remember getting shouty with my ex towards the end (having previously tried to resolve, explain and placate); and I found this book helpful because I realised shouting was something of a panic reaction on my part when I got teary and he did not stop. So I tried to stop myself shouting and breathe through it when I felt the panic rising in arguments. I know he tried to provoke me and that became easier to observe if I was able to remain calm and try to defuse matters (he keep trying to provoke with outlandish statements).

What you are describing in the first and third instances is arguments which seem to me you got to the point in one way or another you just wanted it to stop and I am guessing that asking him to leave you alone or stop had not worked. But there is also little point continually offering explanations and apologies if you are not in a relationship where an apology is accepted and there is constructive discussion (one apology and discussion about it should be enough and also I am sure apology was needed on both sides) and you have a person who is effectively punishing you for getting to the limits of your tolerance in an argument.

I also think berating you for using the word divorce is a means of stopping you effectively considering separation (which you are free to do in today’s world). You say you have never used that word again. Why not? If you have a relationship where you are doing all the emotional labour, he is continually reminding you of your mistakes, you don’t want to move now, then there are questions about what is going to make the marriage work. Those won’t disappear by avoiding the word divorce because you once used it in an argument. What you seemed to be asking for was for him to either leave you alone or a restatement of commitment from him to address the issues in your marriage. What you seem to have got is him berating you for using the word and none of the issues addressed. Are you thinking about divorce even if you do not mention it? Or do you think this can be resolved somehow?

It all sounds very difficult, I think. I think you have realised that you are not at the same stage as him and he is trying to keep hold of you by one way or the other (being needy, demanding, punitive, blaming your mental health - which I am glad you are confident is not the issue!).

You mentioned that you wanted you both to become your best selves in the marriage. One reason I left was because I knew I could not be the best mother and wife possible in my marriage, nor even my best self. But mainly because I was not feeling able to be a good mother - just a shouty, exhausted one (and then there is also the spillover when you realise you are colluding with the children to try and avoid them provoking trouble). Just toxic all around.

*if you lash out yourself, not themselves

Actually on reflection, never mind best self, I don’t think I was even able to be myself, more there was a wife shaped box and expectations I was supposed to fit into.

@Katysun - Once again, you hit the nail on the head. And I am so sorry you've gone through so much emotional abuse that you've become so wise.

I try to placate, but when he won't stop with berating me, that's when I start sobbing and pleading with him to stop. And then that one time I lashed out and told him to fuck off, I'm still paying for 7 months down the line.

As far as bringing up the word "divorce", that was me giving him an out, I suppose, because at that moment when he was expressing his frustration with me, it just seemed to me like he didn't want to be married.

I don't know yet if divorce is in our future. I'm just taking things one day at a time. But I am standing firm.

I sent him an email yesterday in response to his asking me to come to the new house. I copied nearly verbatim your first post, @Katysun, spelling out his actions to him and how they made me feel. I used the word "gaslighting" too. I also said that my response was healthy and normal, and that my therapist fully supports me in this (she does!).

His response? "So you met with (therapist) this week?" sigh...

He just doesn't get it.

And this morning I received this, "Just for the record, I'm happy to see a therapist. And the last thing I wanted to do was beat you up and make you feel bad. I was very frustrated and I was trying to present evidence for my case. I wish I hadn't at that time and via email. I'm sorry. Please also try to remember I'm working very long hours and have been since April. The legal questions have added an extraordinary strain. It probably took me 20 hours to answer them. But I did it for you. I never meant to hurt you. I've just been extremely frustrated and was waiting for weeks and counting the minutes to see (your therapist). I was looking forward to the meeting to get us back on track. When you said I wasn't allowed to see her anymore I was incensed. I mentioned the meds because we talked about it before and I wanted to push the topic with you and (your therapist). It frustrates me that we are in this position and you haven't addressed the thing you said had helped before. I've got to keep working, but I at least wanted you to know those things. I love you and never meant to hurt you. I have been, and continue to be, a partner."

*My therapist has made it clear to me that she is MY therapist, not his. We had only one joint session about a month ago, where he was on his best behavior. My therapist said it's up to me if I want to include him in my sessions, and I don't want to.

I have been thinking about this.

Firstly, I was a little taken aback that you sent what I said to your husband! But on reflection, I wrote it for you and this is an open forum so that is of course your prerogative.

My main thought really is that if you are going to try to sort your differences, that can equally well be done from a distance. It sounds like distance is needed otherwise you would be in adversarial conversation (or argument) the whole time. Indeed, that he describes his position as ‘putting evidence for his case’ is adversarial and goes against the idea of being a partner. A partner does not need to amass evidence for their case. I think, bearing in mind I have no therapy qualifications whatsoever, you need to find a way to move on and work together or the physical separation that you have now becomes an actual separation.

I think you are right to keep your own private counselling space. Whether you want a different, joint therapist, is of course also up to you. It sounds like there are issues you would both want to bring to the table, and discuss - if you think he would do that in good faith, this may be worth a try.

By ‘the thing that you said helped you before’ does he mean the increase in medication? I have nothing against taking medication for mental health issues, but I would question the wisdom of using it to maintain a marriage.

For what it is worth, I think you are doing the right thing by keeping some space just now. I am also not really sure such email exchanges are helpful. You do need to get into the same room, ideally with a trained third party, and get to the bottom of what you both want (it seems to me you are constantly trying to explain yourselves to each other and trying to make sense of each other’s behaviour and that has become quite negative). Then you personally need to decide if you can live with that.

I obviously did not read your previous thread and I am just writing based on the information here.

@KatySun, thank you again for taking the time to respond to my posts in such a thoughtful manner! I'm so sorry that were taken aback by me sending part of your post to DH - it was just so clear and concise and I wanted to name the behavior. It wasn't verbatim, I used my own voice and flavor.

Yes, he meant my medication. I've been on my SSRI for decades to help manage depression and complex PTSD (traumatic childhood and former job) and it works well for me.

He went on anti anxiety meds la year ago after I explained to him scientifically how they work on serotonin levels, and his relief was overnight. But he stopped with the meds, finding them to be a cure-all, and never sought therapy to deal with the root of his anxiety because he "felt 100% better." Sadly, the psychiatrist he saw to get his meds is known as a "drug pusher" and is not a therapist. He had made an appt. to see him several days before sending me that first email asking me to up my meds, and I don't think for one minute it was a coincidence. He saw his Dr. and talked with him and was told his meds are fine, therefore, it MUST be MY meds. Ugh.

As long as he puts the blame on me for our issues, I have nothing to say to him and I have no intention of selling my home.

I would agree with your final sentence. I suppose that was the crux of my comment of whether he would engage with any kind of joint therapy in good faith. If he is a ‘blamer’, then that seems unlikely.

I think you have a good handle on the situation. I am sorry that you find yourself in it though 💐

Joint therapy is not the answer. Just get rid.

As soon as he moved in with me, things did a 180. I don't recognize the man I married anymore. It's like his anxiety exploded as soon as he sold his house No. he no longer needed to fully hide his actual self as you now had ties to him.

UPDATE -

I've ended things as of last night and will pick up my kitties and start moving my things back here next week.

I'm emotionally exhausted. Therapy has been going well and I also started with a psychiatrist to oversee my meds (antidepressant and something for anxiety attacks). I've been in crisis mode since we got married and he moved in, but every time I tried to talk to him about issues (him taking my stuff to Goodwill without my knowledge even though we had "talked about it" the night before, me making $15K improvements to my house in order for him to be able to work from him in an open space because working from 1 of my 2 spare bedrooms was too confining and this was about his mental health he said...) he wouldn't listen. Granted, I didn't force it because, after all, this was important to HIS mental health!

But what happened instead was that my mental health took a nosedive and I couldn't come out of it before another "crisis" happened - for instance, me bursting into tears whenever he raised his voice.

This is day 3 of a 3 day holiday weekend in the US, and the weather is gorgeous. But DH said Saturday at 1 pm via text that he "Wasn't ignoring me, he just needed time to himself." Keep in mind he lives by himself and I usually visit on the weekends. So he'd been by himself the entire week. And I hadn't made any other plans.

And then yesterday he went on a 30 mile mountain bike ride, something I had wanted to do with him. But he didn't want to be with me this weekend, and it just hit me that I am not a priority and neither is our marriage.

He told my therapist that he didn't cause this mess so it wasn't his to fix, but that he was willing to try marriage counseling. However, it was up to me to find a counselor.

He has done nothing to help fix this marriage. And I'm so tired.

This is part of our text convo last night after I told him how hurt I was that he didn't want me to be with him this weekend.

• * Image edited by MNHQ **

How do I blot out the name and picture??