Husband online cams - need help

[captjaneway]

Very long time lurker, first post. I never thought this would happen to me. I've read so many like that on here, well here I am.
I'll try not to drip feed, also apologies if I get anything messed up - I'm still shaking.
I've been married for 24 years with DD 22 and DS 30 - to what I thought was a great husband. You know the usual story, does more than his fair share around the house etc. I have my own business and am also the only earner (he does some admin for me which I pay him for). We both work from home (long before Covid) and have our own rooms (offices) in the house.
My spidey senses have been tingling for a while, he's been secretive with his phone, always wants to be in his office ‘sorting emails’ etc. just generally more secretive and vague about how he spends his time. So, Friday night we were watching TV having a drink, when he checked his phone, I just happened to look over (he was a bit drunk so wasn’t really hiding it) and I noticed a list of messages, just plain white and text which I had never seen before. It wasn’t gmail which he uses it was different. When I asked what it was, he said nothing and hid it quickly. I left it but it has been on my mind all weekend.
This morning when I woke up he was already awake and on his phone, then he went downstairs to feed the cat and make coffee, so I had a look at his phone and there it all was.
It was protonmail and he had been sending messages to a sex cam worker on pornhub live. I read them all and sent copies to myself (thank you mumsnet). I went downstairs and confronted him, he just said the old line ‘I was just talking to someone’ ffs
I’m fairly tech savvy, so I made him give me all of his passwords to his pc, bank, credit card, PayPal, pornhub, onlyfans, everything. I’ve changed the passwords and email addresses to his sex sites and protonmail, so only I can access them. Ive spent the last few hours going through everything and I am destroyed. It’s so pathetic, he created an online persona to talk with these women, he said that he was worth millions, not married, no kids ffs its sad and pathetic and of course they’ve started asking for money. I’ve looked through his purchase history on these sites and he has spent over 5 grand in 4 months and its my fucking money that I give him. While I have been worrying about money (we just bought a house in April) he’s been paying these women for sex acts and what’s even more fucking hilarious is that we don’t have sex that often (even though I very much want to) as he is unable to get an erection. He even told me that he doesn’t masturbate that much with these women because of his erection problems. He just likes to watch, I’m so fucking angry.

It’s most definitely over, without a shadow of a doubt. I just need some help doing that. Our lives and finances are so intertwined, I don’t know where to start. I desperately want to kick him the fuck out right now, but I’ll have to wait for him to find somewhere (no family or friends near by). What do I do next?

I know you are in shock, OP. But - the way you were describing your life setup - felt like a challenging place to be for a partner.
It seems that most things in your life are directed and controlled by you. You run the business, you pay him, etc. Was it ever an equal partnership between the two of you? On any level?
His inability to perform is quite understandable given all of the above.
So -in a way - i just felt bad for the guy who ended up creating a fantasy persona, which isn’t so totally dependent on you. It’s sad more than anything.
Not sure how one gets to a place like that in a marriage.
But you are where you are.

Some of the advice here - kick him out, move money out of accounts, restructure business ownership, stop supporting him - isn’t something you will be able to legally do.
Please get advice.
All marital assets are joint - you can’t kick him out, any more than he can do you.
As the main breadwinner - you’ll have to maintain status quo on and continue supporting him.
And - he can use marital assets to pay for his own lawyer - so in a way it means that you’ll be paying for his lawyer and yours too.

4K in 4 months on cam girls. Regardless if he cant perform its fucking wrong. Aww is this poor man has to fantasise another life style instead of talking to his wife ffs.

5 fucking grand of your money on camgirls????

WOW what a weapons grade bag of dicks, so sorry OP.

I am so sorry. You are not alone. The threads on MN have been the only thing getting me through the last few days. I am 48 with 11 yo and 3 yo (late starter) and have asked partner of 15 yrs to leave. He went on right move and should be fine within a month of me asking him. We have shared accounts, mortgage etc so a mess but doable. It is a lonely business and I have no friends where I live but my overall impression is that once the shock and trauma of the split is over people do ok and often blossom.

This is no justification for his behaviour. None.

@Alisonjabub so you think spending £5k in 4 months on cam girls is not a good enough reason to dump him?

You clearly have lower standards than the OP.

He has done very wrong, there's no doubt about that. However, think about your financial set up and what advice you would give a female in you husbands position (working for her husband who provides her with money). She would be told don't move out, work out how much they usually provide you with, make sure you get your half of everything etc.
While your husband has done so wrong and I'm so sorry that he has done this to you, I think you do need to consider what is fair for someone in his position and him being so reliant on you

So strange. Why would you end things for someone indulging in a bit of fantasy. He clearly wasn't doing anything more than that. Good luck finding an asexual male partner

You sound very controlling and possessive. Pretending he was a millionaire was prob him imagining he had some control

Poor ickle man, spending £4k on camgirls to cheat on his wife. Yes, let's make it all about him and poor he is, boo FUCKING too. Yeah, because I'm so sure you'd be totally happy with your bloke/wife waking off over other women whilst also spending thousands of your money on it too. He's a grown fucking man, he can get his own job if he wants, don't be so fucking ridiculous. Op, ignore nasty comments like these, some in here love nothing better than to kick people whilst they're down.

@Alisonjabubso you think spending £5k in 4 months on cam girls is not a good enough reason to dump him?

You clearly have lower standards than the OP

Ha, right?? Poor Alison.

Why would you end things for someone indulging in a bit of fantasy

Yeah with 5 grand of OPs cash..there are plenty of free porn sites if he wanted "fantasy"

Pretending he was a millionaire was prob him imagining he had some control

More like he thought one of the vultures on the other end might actually be interested irl if he was minted.

OP please take no notice of that ridiculous post, no way I would be letting some floppy cocked dumpster diver spend 5k of my cash on cam sites.

My ex wanked away similar amounts of money while complaining how much I spent on the food shop each week. Well done for leaving first time though - it took me years.

Incidentally, his explanation was that it was a 'release' and he did it because of me. Because we slept in separate rooms (which started after the first incident) and because I expected him to help with the kids (he works, I was a sahm). A year after leaving him he's just had to give the courts his credit card statements for the finance settlement, he's still wanking away the same amounts. It isn't because of us, it's because they're sad pathetic wankers.

My ex wanked away similar amounts of money while complaining how much I spent on the food shop each week

What a piece of work.. you're well rid Needto.

@Jsku

I agree with your post wholeheartedly.

If the OP was a man talking about his wife who he employed, that he had made give all their passwords to and he had changed(!) , Then the responses would be different. The OP is controlling, and possibly has been controlling the whole marriage. Her husband is an idiot and they should split up. But I wouldn't take sides in this mess.

Honestly this is just appalling. Don't let him take the money you worked for. Women on this site who have young children end up with nothing every day of the week after splitting with abusive men - is clearly there's the scope to do it.

The MN line seems to be 'don't fight for your rights because it will make you feel bad and it's better to just give up'

My take is different. It's your future, your retirement, and if you give it to him because you wanted to play by the rules (that appear to be fluid judging by the number of women who get fucked over here) then you are going to feel worse.

Play strategic. Go hard and don't let him leech your future from you - and take that cam girl money out of a settlement.

I would look further in too - you don't just suddenly start this kind of thing. Cam girls are for lockdown - there's probably hookers etc as well.

If the OP was a man talking about his wife who he employed, that he had made give all their passwords to and he had changed(!) , Then the responses would be different. The OP is controlling, and possibly has been controlling the whole marriage. Her husband is an idiot and they should split up. But I wouldn't take sides in this mess

Don’t you think you’re missing a rather important point here? Normally, the woman who works for the man is otherwise a SAHM. Looking after children. And never have I ever read that the woman is literally spunking money away on cam girls and the like.

What I HAVE read is where a wife had a serious spending problem and her husband removed access to accounts. This was deemed fair (can’t disagree really).

Sorry the husband has been humiliated but maybe if he was feeling emasculated then looking for a job might have been a better option than lying and spending OP’s money on cam girls?!

@MsElany

The OP says she's the only one earning, but then also says that her husband does work for her company which she pays him for ( so he is earning) .

He even has an office. Imagine a husband saying his wife doesn't earn , but actually works for him and has her own office in the home? Do you think everyone would have ignored that?

The OP has a controlling take on the situation that preceded these events.

Also I don't think anyone has the right to demand and change passwords from another person. I get in a moment of shock but this was hours later she was talking about it and it hasn't even dawned on her that this is wrong, because she doesn't think it's wrong. If she wants to stop him spending her money, she should have changed access to those accounts. You get to control your own life and actions, not other people's.

I'm not defending the OPs husband at all, his actions are awful. But the OP sounds controlling. This marriage sounds toxic.

If the OP was a man - she’d be sternly reminded that as they are married - all the assets are marital. And that her spouse’s contribution over the years was as valuable - given their dynamic - I presume the H was more of a homemaker/carer while OP worked and paid him some min amount.
(which many here MN would consider controlling and bordering on financial abuse.)

Yet as she is female - she is told to protect her assets - and cast out the spouse she has been supporting, while he no doubt did his share to enable the OP to dedicate herself to her business.
Double standards.

I am really shocked at the double standards I advised the op to get a SHL and get advice on what is a fair and equitable split based on their finances and situation and to try and get finances agreed on that basis to avoid court. Completely different to hiding everything etc!!!!

It doesn't whose fault it is in the eyes of the law...

@MMmomDD what on earth are you on about? Literally the first response on this thread was advising OP that the assets are likely to be split 50:50 and advised about supporting him. And several other comments following that we're exploring his options. I don't see the point of discussing only what you choose to see, it doesn't really help further any discussion. How has what you've posted helped the OP?

Her H is obviously a weak man and he should have divorced or spoke up years ago. But like with women who find themselves in abusive/unhappy households - it’s easier to say - why didn’t you leave instead.
But humans are weak and change a very difficult

I think most people here can see that. What he did was deplorable. Some people are jumping straight to anger, some being far more practical, and fortunately for the DH some are attempting to see it from his side with little to no backstory. This hasn't been a landslide verdict of 'kick him to the curb and let him starve'. Honestly I think some people seek out threads like this just to bleat on about double standards. If there's no advice along with it, why say it?

Capt
I'm not saying this to excuse him but he does sound like an weak person with some compulsive behaviour problems, that does not take away from the shock, anger and devastation that you must be feeling💐

^OP worked and paid him some min amount.
(which many here MN would consider controlling and bordering on financial abuse.)^

@MMmomDD I imagine she only gave him a little bit of work (intermittent as a freelancer) as a kind of favour really so he was doing something. She probably could've done whatever it was herself, but felt he should be doing something.

My mum supported the family by herself for several years- she was effectively paying all the mortgage etc, so IMHO she should've been entitled to more of the house she had solely paid for for a long time and ensured we were able to keep.

I can't say our dad did much more around the house/with us kids particularly.

Assuming this was genuinely his first transgression, I would think there's a lot more to his decision than just being a scummy POS. What he did was disgusting, it just seems so out of character from how you've described him. For that reason OP, I wouldn't feel stupid for having trusted him all these years. You were probably right to trust him. So don't start questioning your intuition. He fucked up, and he's going to have to deal with the consequences. You have a lot of things to sort out understandably and I hope for your sake things go smoothly and you can move on quickly.

I see the porn apologists are out again.
OP I've been there, just get out of there. He's not the man you thought he was. No doubt soon he will be saying you didn't want sex often enough, or it was too vanilla or some such bollocks.

Ignore the posters saying you controlled him, poor thing. From where I am it looks like he was leeching off you and literally spunking your money away.

I'd love to know what advice these idiots would give a man who discovered his wife was a SAHM who spent 5k on online sex with other men. I bet it wouldn't be "oh poor her, that's an entirely reasonable response to you being controlling by being at work". Huh

My ex wanked away similar amounts of money while complaining how much I spent on the food shop each week. Well done for leaving first time though - it took me years.
^ same