What is this technique my stbxh has just used?

[Louise000000]

Seperated last summer, ex moved out in Feb.
Things going good with kids adjusting to 2 homes etc I thought things were amicable between me and ex.
He's said the other day he saw I was looking happy and so said some things to 'rattle' me. This worked!
Today I'm collecting kids from his and he goes on at me about how messed up our kids are going to be, how all his family and friends think I'm a piece of shit and everything is my fault.
I just burst out crying and he came in like a white Knight trying to give me a cuddle and suddenly being so reasonable.
I'm home now and I feel like my cage has been totally rattled.
I hate that he still had this power over me!
I did initiate the end of our marriage as he had always been addicted to smoking weed and over the years I fell out of love with him and got fed up with his aggression, shouting at me, talking down to me, prioritising buying weed over everything else, selling drugs from our family home etc etc
I didn't want to work at the marriage no, I was done, I'd had enough.
Feel like my stomach is churning now had to get it out!

It's an abusive technique to grind down your self worth, make you second guess whether you are doing the right thing for you and your children - bringing up the children in this way is especially emotive for you so is an easy lever for him to pull as clearly you want what's best for them.

It's designed to either pull you back to him or to tear you down in punishment for leaving.

It's horrible but it is absolutely not the truth, you know that really, don't let him get to you with this behaviour and don't let it change yours you are doing the right thing it sounds like and the kids will be better off in the long run

You just need to remember who he is - be surface-level civil, yes, but he is never to be trusted and never a friend. Keep your interactions as short as possible.

He's the one who fucked everything up, not you.

Oh and don't let him pull that cuddly shit, that's just the other side to the coin of the same behaviour, it is NOT him being nice or "reasonable". It's a good way to keep you off balance though.

Yes, he's trying to break you down, probably hopeful to get you to shag him.

He's just confirming that you absolutely made the right decision in ending the marriage. Don't let him mess with your head, his opinions are biased and designed to manipulate him, ignore and shut down any such discussion.

Manipulate you not him, obvs!

he goes on at me about how messed up our kids are going to be, how all his family and friends think I'm a piece of shit and everything is my fault

Ok - so what would you say IF I said this to your face? A complete stranger? What would your reaction be?

My XH tried the same.
Fortunately I was past caring what anyone else thought and knew I was doing the right thing for the kids as well as for me.
He stopped doing it after a while as he got no reaction.
Also, most of it was bullshit.
Ignore, ignore, ignore!
Use his behaviour to reinforce in your mind that you're doing the right thing.

It is emotional abuse, trying to make you feel bad.

The comforting you can create a trauma bond, so don't let him do it in case he sucks you back in/ it ends up continuing this pattern.

Have as little to do with him as you possibly can. Try to stick to just talking about everyday practicalities/logistics of the kids etc.

Perhaps tell him that this is all you are prepared to talk to him about.

Other posters might have other ideas of how you can handle it when he starts off. Maybe just say 'I'm not going to have this conversation with you.'

Yup, he's trying to rattle you. But you KNOW why you left him and it was the right decision (also, love the comments re his family because either they are in complete denial about who he is or they are all sitting around silently cheering you on. Trust me. I know. DBro can be a complete dick. If SIL ever left him, none of us would believe for a second that she's a horrible person no matter what he told us! We've known him for 40 years, we know what he's like).

If he ever says anything like that again (that your kids will be messed up) look him straight in the eye and say If they are, it will be because their father was a drug dealer and an abuser and not because of anything I did. Don't even try to pull that shit with me.

Memorise it. And use it.

His family are very religious and are very much for saving the marriage above everything else.
They think an unhappy marriage is better than an amicable split.
I don't even value their opinions, it's just horrible to hear when I've been trying my best to look after my kids emotions and making sure they see their Dad plenty and that he feels part of their lives.
I don't doubt my decision for a second.
He just knows how to press my buttons and he even admitted he thought I seemed too happy the other day so had to bring me down

It's the knock em down technique. He grinds you down making you feel bad until he gets an emotional response, then he uses something nice to draw you back in.

Try the freedom programme. It helps

Bullying, manipulation, blackmail = emotional abuse.

He's found that you're happy without him so he's desperate to hurt you, manipulate you and make sure he somehow has some kind of power over you.

It's of little relevance now, but his 'religious' parents probably understand full well why you left their druggy son, and although they can't say it in front of him, probably see you were fair and reasonable. Don't take anything he says as gospel.

It's a type of negging.

Also "DARVO".

OP, I mean this with kindness.
Wake up and smell the druggie. Nothing he says is worth one waft of your cilia.

'Ah well they probably don't realise how far into drug addiction you had sunk' smile, walk away. Practice saying it to yourself in the mirror and next time he springs something like that just trot it out.

It's called being a count and the reason you left him.

Think no more of the tosser

Look him straight in the eye and tell him, ‘When I hear you say things like this it confirms that I was right to end it with you’, every time.
Then walk away.

Is he doing all that in front of your kids? Because that's not ok, and you need to disengage.

Otherwise go with TW2013's line.

Thankfully not infront of kids but they did see me crying and I had to make up a story about my friends dog dying and I was sad.
I feel alot better now it's just that horrible anxious churning feeling that he causes I hate it!!

Also yes to add he did say that he hasn't told them the full story as its private and they can't understand why he is defending me!

How old are the children. Can he not drop them back to you.
My ex was abusive. I put up with his abuse for too long. Thankfully my child is 10 so I drop him at the door and wait till he goes up to the flat. I don’t see him now. I blocked him via text and it’s emails only.
Could someone else drop off or collect.
Abusive arseholes!!
Well done for leaving.
Religious bull shit. Ignore them all. X

Ooh I had an ex who did this. He told me that I was an immature, pathetic, nasty piece of shit and everyone hated me, even my own friends. But he still loved me and nobody else would love me like that. Apparently my dad used to do it to my mum too. It's designed to make you feel shit and be grateful for them. Just hold your head high and tell him you're not interested in his abuse tactics.

They are 4, 6 & 8 so still little.
I can't stand him honestly! Puts me off ever being in another commitment with a man!
Yes this is definitely reinforcing why I ended it in the first place