What is this technique my stbxh has just used?

[Louise000000]

Seperated last summer, ex moved out in Feb.
Things going good with kids adjusting to 2 homes etc I thought things were amicable between me and ex.
He's said the other day he saw I was looking happy and so said some things to 'rattle' me. This worked!
Today I'm collecting kids from his and he goes on at me about how messed up our kids are going to be, how all his family and friends think I'm a piece of shit and everything is my fault.
I just burst out crying and he came in like a white Knight trying to give me a cuddle and suddenly being so reasonable.
I'm home now and I feel like my cage has been totally rattled.
I hate that he still had this power over me!
I did initiate the end of our marriage as he had always been addicted to smoking weed and over the years I fell out of love with him and got fed up with his aggression, shouting at me, talking down to me, prioritising buying weed over everything else, selling drugs from our family home etc etc
I didn't want to work at the marriage no, I was done, I'd had enough.
Feel like my stomach is churning now had to get it out!

His family are very religious and are very much for saving the marriage ...

How do they square that with having a pot-head, drug dealer for a son?

Or do they not even know?

he hasn't told them the full story as its private

Oh, it's private - I see.

His choice of what to keep "private" is rather convenient, isn't it.

So the mother trying to protect her family with a pot-head, drug dealing "father" is a piece of shit and he, the pot head, drug dealer ... is what?

The dude's smoked too much dope and his tiny brain is fried. Strange someone else to do drop offs etc. or toughen up.

*Arrange

If he harasses you through other means, record and report every single thing.

I think you should tell his parents. Why should you keep his secrets??

I agree, approach his parents, explain the whole situation including the abuse, and ask them to help with handovers build the relationship back with them and you will have them looking out for the dc too.

he even admitted he thought I seemed too happy the other day so had to bring me down

Isn't that pathetic? You should remember this - he saw how happy you were and was threatened by it and tried to change it. That's not the behaviour of a man who loves or cares about you. Someone who cares would be happy that you're happy. Practise giving him the finger behind your children's backs!

I think every time you have to see him you need to give yourself a pep talk on the reasons why you ended things. Your response to such rubbish about what his parents think should be to laugh. He was a crap husband and they have been deceived by him.

Hi op . My ex was like this when we first split . Nowadays I dont have anything to do with him , only texting arrangements for ds.
You need to disengage, keep contact to a minimum , especially now when you are still raw from the break up.
Also , who cares if his family is religious or anything else, they are nothing to do with you .
I also refused to get involved in any kind of conversation about what he is thinking/ feeling etc and trying to find explanations for his behaviour, again who cares .
Just keep telling yourself his behaviour is his own problem and nothing to do with you.
My mum was always trying to initiate conversations about incidents from the past involving my ex would just cut her off with " I dont care that's over , I'm focussing on the future "
Things will get better I promise x

By the way , I wouldn't give his parents any kind of explanation. Believe me, they know he's a piece of shit but they wont admit it because they are scared it will reflect on them . Blood is thicker than water OP , they will disappoint you.
Speak to them only about their grandchildren, that's common ground and a subject you are all comfortable with .

Keep repeating to yourself and him if needed “I’m doing the right thing for my children and myself.”

he goes on at me about how messed up our kids are going to be, how all his family and friends think I'm a piece of shit and everything is my fault
I honestly can't imagine how awful this was but....
How the hell did you not just laugh in his face?
After everything HE did to ruin everything he says this.
I'm so sorry he's ground you down this far.
But the only way is up and you are doing a fantastic job.
Don't let this gobshite bring you down any more!
He's a horrible little weasle!

Definitely emotional abuse. Look out for the “all my family and friends think...” this is a classic sign that he’s made up whatever is next. In fact he’s likely projecting his own failings into you. Use that phrase as a “bullshit bingo” marker to help you detach from the it.

He likes putting you down as he gets validation that he’s a “nice guy” by comforting you. What a prick. Dismiss his next attempt with a laugh, snort, sarcastic “is that right?” or similar and watch it take the wind out of his sails.

It's his siblings too who I was close to before so that's maybe why it's bothered me so much.
I know his parents' views and I've always kind of rolled my eyes at their opinions on various things, but having been so close to the other families I think that's why it hurt.i know it's their brother and they are defending him. He will be 100% playing the martyr as he loves to play that!! He will be playing the broken, troubled husband who wants to keep working at the marriage and I'm the cow who finished it and has moved on!

@Louise000000 you won't change their mind but you will be able to at least not have to watch the ridiculous charade if you tell them.

Of course they aren't going to suddenly disown him but at least they have the truth. Why do so many PP think it's ok just to let these lies that affect you and your reputation go unchecked?

I don't agree. Explain things to them, give examples/proof, and don't expect them to back you. You are simply setting the record straight - not going on Oprah for a tearful reunion.

It is not good enough that he gets to trash your reputation AND be an abusive prick.

Agree with @Vodkacranberryplease

and he even admitted he thought I seemed too happy the other day so had to bring me down

You know this, just keep it in mind any time he says dumb shit. If you can, laugh when he makes his dumbass comments and respond with ‘No, it’s your addiction that caused our relationship to end, nothing to do with me!’ Smile and walk away. He’s an idiot.

OP, well done for recognising his bullshit maneuvers!

You and your kids will be absolutely fine.

Hopefully the advice/techniques here will help you deal with him effectively.