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Original poster

Avoidant partner and unsafe sex

29 replies

Bambamjam · 13/07/2020 14:36

DH and don't have the best relationship at the moment. But I am finding his avoidant personality impossible to live with.
He won't talk finances, reduce outgoings or tighten his belt either. Just buries his head in the sand. We should have been getting married ( I call him 'DH' for the sake of ease on MN) but we haven't set a date and he won't discuss that either as we clearly won't be getting married due to not getting along over the last 12 months.
But more than anything, it's his attitude to sex and contraception. I've tried every contraceptive going now and had problems with all of them, more recently having to have a procedure to have my missing mirena coil rescued from my uterus. We have 2 DCs and an unhappy relationship, he says he doesn't want more children, I don't want any more children (with him) but he refuses to have the snip as its "too permanent." I understand, but also have read that it can be reversed. I have since suggested condoms, but he requires a larger size, which he used to order over the Internet prior to children. He hasn't ordered any in 3 months and keeps saying he will but doesn't. We have had sex twice since the coil removal and he pulled out both times. I say this is far too risky. He says "it's perfectly safe. Don't worry about it."

He's just avoiding buying condoms, going for the snip, sorting finances, or even just planning for the future. He seems to just float from one day to the next avoiding anything that makes him remotely uncomfortable. I can't bear his come-day go-day attitude. But, I'm finding that during ovulation, my desire for sex it at it's peak. I really don't want another baby with him right now.

If things are still tense a year from now, I will leave him, but how do I cope with his avoidant personality until then? (I have to wait a year for reasons I can't elaborate on on this post).

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 13/07/2020 16:04

Although l could happily have a one nighter (or less) with someone and thoroughly enjoy it, l could not contemplate having sex in a relationship which appears to be past its sell by date, but that is not what you are asking.

We both know that withdrawal is not safe for you and the consequences. Neither is it particularly satisfying. Requiring extra large condoms is something of a male ego thing to be honest. On a rather wine filled girlie night, a friend stretched a standard condom on her arm, almost to her elbow.

If you are going to continue to have sex, insist on condoms or its no go. Consider buying them yourself. As a 40 something female, my sexual health is important, as is yours. l just drop condom boxes into my supermarket trolly with the eggs, milk and the coffee, it’s no big deal and that way l know there are always some in my top drawer and handbag. Take care Flowers!

TheLegendOfZelda · 13/07/2020 16:08

This is your problem to solve, not his. It should be his but let's face it ...if you get pregnant ...who ends up literally holding the baby? (Or having the abortion)
You're leaving in a year. Do you want a newborn as well? If not
Don't have sex
Or go with the least worst contraceptive
Or buy the condoms yourself

Just remember how you feel about his behaviour in case you change your mind about leaving.

Shoxfordian · 13/07/2020 17:29

Why are you waiting a whole year?

SoulofanAggron · 13/07/2020 17:39

He hasn't ordered any in 3 months and keeps saying he will but doesn't. We have had sex twice since the coil removal and he pulled out both times. I say this is far too risky. He says "it's perfectly safe. Don't worry about it."

He's completely wrong. You could order some yourself as he's being so crap maybe? It annoys me so much when men try and wheedle out of using condoms when the woman requires/wants them (which is effectively what he's doing.) This is coerced sex as you don't want it under the conditions in which it's happening.

You could tell him that unless he uses condoms you aren't having it.

Do you have a bank account so you can order online?

I wouldn't say this is solely an avoidant personality BTW, it's an irresponsible/crap personality and also not caring about your feelings when it comes to sex.

category12 · 13/07/2020 17:49

Stop sleeping together: use a vibrator instead of having sex with him.

category12 · 13/07/2020 17:52

Also, no-one should ever have a vasectomy thinking they can reverse it if they want - sometimes it can be reversed, but not always, and the longer he has one, the less likely it is. You have to go into a vasectomy thinking you definitely won't want any more children, so it's very unreasonable to ask him to do that, especially as he may want to have more dc with a future partner once you've split up.

SoulofanAggron · 13/07/2020 18:01

@Bambamjam I agree with @category12 -a magic wand vibrator www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/vibrators/magic-wand-vibrators/ is very reliable and would scratch that itch at ovulation. If you order the condoms they should only take a couple of days to come from some places.

Then don't let him have sex without them Him not ordering them is deliberate because he doesn't want to use them.

category12 · 13/07/2020 18:31

If he doesn't want to use condoms, I wouldn't trust him to use them properly or keep them on if OP did take over ordering them.

SoulofanAggron · 13/07/2020 18:49

If he doesn't want to use condoms, I wouldn't trust him to use them properly or keep them on if OP did take over ordering them.

@category12 What more can OP do on that front though? I would like to think most husbands, even if they weren't keen on using condoms, would not sneakily take them off. That is 'stealthing' and rape of course.

SoulofanAggron · 13/07/2020 18:50

I know men do it, it's happened to me a couple of times. But all OP can do is hope her husband isn't a rapist!

Obviously if she thinks he is, that's even more reason for him to be out the door.

Kassandra1 · 13/07/2020 18:53

Dont have sex until he has his protection sorted or you have found one that works for you?

It sounds like there's a lot of other stuff going on in the relationship that must make life tough but this one is pretty straightforward surely?

Holyrivolli · 13/07/2020 18:54

Why would you have sex with someone you don’t like and who won’t use contraception? The low standards women on here are prepared to accept is staggering.

category12 · 13/07/2020 18:56

You'd hope. But he might not see it as the massive violation it is.

Given his dismissive attitude that it's perfectly safe to pull out and that contraception is pretty much her problem, plus he doesn't bother with things that inconvenience him, it'd be daft to put trust in him. I certainly wouldn't.

Notredamn · 13/07/2020 18:59

He's an irresponsible, lazy idiot but you still want to shag him so you're going to have to order some condoms or face an unwanted pregnancy.

pinkyredrose · 13/07/2020 19:03

Why can't you get rid of him now? Who's name is the house in? Is it rented or owned?

rvby · 13/07/2020 20:04

Can you just clarify why you're still shagging him?

SoulofanAggron · 13/07/2020 20:15

@rvby She says she gets horny Grin

fflelp · 13/07/2020 20:27

I don't want any more children (with him)

What does this mean? Does it mean you don't want any more children with anyone or does it mean you would want more children if you were with someone else?
As you don't want any more children with him then you need to stop having sex with him altogether if he won't wear a condom.

So you intend to leave him in a year? Is there no where you can leave earlier? This relationship is over.

RantyAnty · 13/07/2020 20:28

@Bambamjam Unfortunately he's a lazy disrespectful twat.

I highly recommend the vibe @SoulofanAggron linked

Try not to chip a tooth Grin

Original poster
Bambamjam · 13/07/2020 21:49

Yep @SoulofanAggron exactly why I end up sleeping with him.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 14/07/2020 00:34

Lol 'avoidant personality' hmm...is that another term for 'absolute bellend who has no respect for me' ?

backseatcookers · 14/07/2020 00:44

You're essentially risking bringing a new little life into the world, into an unhealthy and unloving dynamic, by having unsafe sex. Would that be fair on them?

Have a wank.

I mean, if you were a friend then leave him would be my advice because he sounds awful but if for some reason you do need to wait a year then ffs stop having unsafe sex.

Kassandra1 · 14/07/2020 08:11

Wow, get some self control and respect and stop having unsafe sex with a guy who you clearly dont trust. I feel very sorry for any potential children you bring into this situation just because you "were horny"

overlooker · 14/07/2020 12:21

He won’t have the snip as it’s too permanent but states he doesn’t want more children. Those two things don’t go together. If he doesn’t want more kids then it doesn’t matter how permanent it is? Sounds like he just can’t be bothered. Lazy. Knows you get horny and he will get it anyway

bitheby · 14/07/2020 12:23

You can't require him to have a vasectomy if you are going to break up with him. He might want more children with someone else.

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