Hoping for a bit of advice here on whether I am being a dick and should just let this go or not but I am really annoyed with DH about something that happened on Saturday night.
DH has a friendship group of 4 guys. He is really sweet guy, never aggressive, feminist and ‘woke’ etc but perhaps as a payoff for this he is somewhat of a doormat. One of the guys in the group is a complete arsehole - he is always the one that everyone panders to (for no reason that I can see) as he is difficult and petulant - wants his own way all the time / goes in moods / is unkind to people and sexist. I’ve been out for a drink with him and DH and friend’s gf (who has since had a baby) and it was ok but I got the impression that DH wanted me to get friend to like me as he did not like his ex gf.
So DH has been recently trying to suggest activities that friend would like to do with him and each time he has just said ‘nah that’s boring’ or just plain ‘no’ and DH will still go back with something else as a suggestion (the other 2 guys don’t live near us). When he told me this I was a bit annoyed that he was allowing this guy to take the piss out of him and all the effort was DH’s. Anyway he then said that he wanted to invite him round to have a drink on Saturday in the garden. Fine by me - he has never been to our house before in the 3 years we have been together despite regular invitations and the fact he now has a kid and we have 4 - I think DH was hoping he might want to spend a bit more time with him now there were kids on both sides - but no. He still keeps trying anyway despite this guy’s awful attitude.
He hadn’t heard anything from him about whether or not he would be coming over but then around 2pm he texted and said ‘what time you picking me up?’ There was never an offer to pick him up but whatever. DH brought him here and we all sat in the garden and had a chat and a beer. He marches into the garden where we had a speaker and said ‘I’ll take over the music from here’. I looked over at DH and then I said ‘erm will you?’ DH saw my reaction but didn’t really say much: the whole time he was there went like this.
He made disgusting jokes about perving on unsuspecting women, he talked about how pathetic his gf was and said that she always begs him to marry her and he mimicked her (she’s not English so did it in this awful mocking accent) saying ‘please I will give you everything your own way!’ He laughed and said ‘I already get everything my own way!’
He said he didn’t love her
He said that my DH brought girls back when he stayed at his for a few days once (not when he was with me) but clearly trying to cause trouble for him - then he changed it to 2 girls not 1.. I said to him 2 girls? And he said ‘you don’t think he’s only been with YOU do you?! Hahaha’ when what I meant was 2 girls at the same time which I know DH has never partaken in.
He said that my husband behaves completely differently when he is not with me and implied that I don’t know the real him
He slagged off one of the other guys in the group and said he hated him
I objected to another women hating joke and he laughed and said ‘do you really think (DH) doesn’t laugh at and make this kind of joke when he’s not with you??? Haha come on!!’ I replied that no, I don’t believe he does, he laughed at me like I was deluded.
He made sexual jokes in front of the children
He said ‘you don’t really know him! I’ve been with him for 30 years!’ I kind of laughed at this phrasing becaause it sounded like he was competing with me!
There is more but this is the main stuff - all the time DH sat there silent.
I ended up having an argument with the guy and getting pretty wound up, my friend came over from across the road and was just sitting there in shock at what he was saying. I belittled him and said he is like a 14 yo boy but in fact that is an insult to 14 yo boys because I have a 14 yo ds who I have brought up to respect women and he wouldn’t even behave like this.
After I argued back with him he said he was going to the toilet and left the house.
NB - I was not there all the time, when my friend came I was mostly sitting in the kitchen with her but a couple of times we went out and sat in the garden as the kids were on the trampoline.
So once he’d gone I was pretty angry with DH, I feel like he completely let me down - he said the reason he didn’t say anything was because I was more than a match for him and didn’t look like I needed any help. But has since apologised for saying that.
I asked him what he was going to do about it. He said he was thinking about it - I left him alone and didn’t bring it up yesterday as I wanted him to make his own decision rather than tell him what to do but by last night I was so fucking angry that he hadn’t said anything that I had a go at him and so he sent a text (it was good and he told him that his behaviour was unacceptable etc) surprisingly he sent back an ‘apology’ but it consisted of him saying he doesn’t remember anything he said and was just pissed. So not really an apology at all IMO.
dh is really annoying me - I felt he completely failed to protect me from this toxic male and even now is acting like this guy has made amends in a way. Apart from the fact that he was drunk - this is who he is. He hates women. He is an insecure disgusting person who put any attempt for women to defend themselves as being a nag/making their partner ‘under the thumb’. I want DH to be angry with him and I want to feel like he finds the behaviour abhorrent but he basically doesn’t - he’s defending him in my eyes by not being like that. I tried to keep my mouth shut but I just couldn’t. He was making jokes about women’s arseholes and gay men and shouting in the garden about a lesbian couple a few houses away who have just had a baby. It was so embarrassing and I just don’t get why DH even wants this pathetic excuse in his life as as far as I am concerned he is the opposite of this man in every way.
This morning we have argued about it again - he said what do you want me to do start throwing things and breaking stuff in anger? I said it sounded like I only have 2 choices; apathy and weakness or violence (I was in an abusive relationship for 20 years before this so that really hurt).
He says he is ‘conditioned’ because he has known him since school but that no he is ‘not happy’ with him. AIBU to expect more from him - at least for him to express some anger at his behaviour. I feel really upset that I didn’t just tell the idiot to leave or something but it’s more that DH has really lost a lot of respect from me. I suppose you only see someone’s true colours when a rare situation like this occurs (thankfully not often!). Any advice?