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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can’t afford to leave DH

26 replies

untiedstates · 12/07/2020 22:24

I’m in a sexless marriage with a man I can barely co-parent with but realistically I can’t afford to leave. I don’t know how to proceed. Pragmatically the best thing would be to continue co-existing until my career is back on track from having 2 mat leaves close together and having had surprise twins.

But is this awful? I don’t know.

I earn £35k full time. Nursery is £1250/month (30hr funding for 3yo, FT for twins). Equity in our house all came from sale of previous house which was H’s. I paid for moving costs ~£10k and new flooring, curtains and furniture ~£6k.

I’m fucked.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/07/2020 22:26

You won’t have to pay for the children and childcare alone. You will need a divorce settlement having been a SAHM- id get legal advice

GilbertMarkham · 12/07/2020 22:29

But you're married so it doesn't matted where the equity in your current house came from, just that it's a.maeiral.asset to be divided.

Also if you can get your salary down to low enough to get a UC payment, you'll get 85% of your childcare paid for (up to cap of around a grand for more than one child).

GilbertMarkham · 12/07/2020 22:30

*matter
*Marital

Bagelsandbrie · 12/07/2020 22:31

The house is 50/50 yours if your married. Doesn’t matter where the equity came from. Unless it’s ring fenced by some obscure deed?

With that salary you’re a lot better off than many single parents. You can do this.

GilbertMarkham · 12/07/2020 22:31

How much does he earn? His child maintenance payment will start at 12% moving down depending on how many overnights he has them as well.

crunchiebabe · 12/07/2020 22:35

I was in the same position ...
I left ...
Everything is fine and I hadn't worked in over a decade, I was completely dependent on him.
Bite the bullet , it will fall into place .. I promise

GilbertMarkham · 12/07/2020 22:41

Even if you can't get a UC payment and 85% childcare, you can still (I think) get all tax on cc back, up to 2k a year, plus your feed hrs.

And it's a constantly changing situation with cc as kids get older.

When they go to primary school at 4 you can try to find it be with an after-school club - which usually run til 5 or 6 and are usually quite a bit cheaper than cc. Some schools will also run out of school clubs during hols, again cheaper than cc.

Even before ps, preschool is for increasing no of hours, reducing your cc bill.

Original poster
untiedstates · 12/07/2020 22:42

He’s on £46k but has just been made redundant. Won’t have a job after end Aug. He’s looking but no guarantees.

How can I be entitled to half the house when I haven’t paid for it? I’ve only worked 14 months since Mar 2017 because of mat leaves.

The other thing is that I can’t move area. My job can only be done from one place in the country. And it’s an expensive area.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 12/07/2020 22:42

*free hours

GilbertMarkham · 12/07/2020 22:44

How can I be entitled to half the house when I haven’t paid for it? I’ve only worked 14 months since Mar 2017 because of mat leaves

All assets are up for grabs in a divorce settlement.

If he put money into your family home, it's a joint/marital asset.

Your maternity leaves will be considered.

Speak to a good family law solicitor about it .. some may do your first session free.

GilbertMarkham · 12/07/2020 22:47

Citizens advice are usually v good in going through possible help as well.

GilbertMarkham · 12/07/2020 22:49

Back on marital assets .. I have a small house bought about ten yrs before I got married,I was told my DH might get at least 25% in divorce. I know two ladies who bought their homes outright, no input from their husbands; both the husband's got payouts on divorce,in one case the woman had to sell to give him his a d now lives in social housing.

GilbertMarkham · 12/07/2020 22:54

Sorry, I said 4 but it's 5 usually for primary school.

GilbertMarkham · 12/07/2020 22:57

In my case it looked like I'd lose a UC payment and therefore childcare help somewhere between 16-20 k, so it seems like 35k will definitely rule that out .. unless you deem it worth it to go part-time or something.
It's probably not, bit might be worth looking into.

GilbertMarkham · 12/07/2020 22:59

You'd still get some free hours and taxback though.

And it is a lessening bill (except for holidays) all the time as they get older a d are in school til 2 then 3, then 4 etc.

RandomMess · 13/07/2020 09:49

If you aren't ready to pull the plug it is worth some joint therapy to improve what you do have, especially on the co-parenting front. People cry "can't afford it" but is so much cheaper than divorce. You will both be parents for a long time to come whether divorced or not so it is a good investment to find out where compromises can be made and agreements reached.

Your DH need to know you are at the end of it and something needs to change in the dynamic.

Mydogisthebestest · 13/07/2020 09:51

You need legal advice. The house may be 50/50 split, it might not.

Go and see a solicitor. You may get a half hour free, some do thar, some don’t.

MMmomDD · 13/07/2020 10:20

OP - pragmatically, you best course of action is to wait a bit - certainly until he gets a job. Which will happen, eventually.
And plan your exist in the meanwhile.

It sounds like your house has been purchased while you were married, since you mentioned moving costs. Which puts it firmly within marital assets category. And that makes it 50/50 split as a starting point.
You should certainly consult with a solicitor and plan. Duration of the marriage may or may not be a factor - and you can strategise around it.

Zupermumm · 13/07/2020 10:35

OP I'm in a similar position, and really just hanging for the day I can afford to walk free.

DH is a terrible husband (no sex for 7 years), shit father (yells at the kids daily, and scares him when he rages), and awful son (openly says he wants his parents to just die and leave him alone, and yells and hangs up on them regularly). He was also made redundant about a year ago, and whilst I wanted to leave I stuck it out for an extra year.

I hate him so much now. I pass the time by keeping a journal of all the horrible things he has said and done to my kids and his parents so I can remind myself why we need to leave and also provide to the divorce lawyer. I have secured myself a new job which pays more than his, and I plan to seperate our finances as soon as I start this new job. Hang in there hun. Just look after yourselves and kids for now, and everything will fall into place eventually. If he ever hits you or the kids, be ready to call the police.

category12 · 13/07/2020 11:07

How long have you been with him? If your marriage is short, you may not be entitled to half or more of the assets, but you will be entitled to some of it. Living together beforehand can be counted into the length of the relationship.

That's what marriage does, it makes you a legal and financial partnership so that assets are shared, as is right when you have children.

You earn £35k, you have a claim on the assets of the marriage, you are in a good position to split up. Thousands of women do it with less.

Original poster
untiedstates · 13/07/2020 11:24

We’ve been together 12 years. Married 8.

I’ve tried to get him to agree to some counselling or a parenting course but he refuses. He used to be kind and nice!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/07/2020 11:30

Get your ducks in a row and tell him if he doesn't attend joint counselling and/or parenting then it's over.

I mean that not as blackmail but as you giving him a final chance to get it to work. The parenting thing is an issue even if you divorce so it's worth doing regardless.

If you can't resolve then you can end it knowing you tried everything.

Shit situation Thanks not a short marriage to easily 50:50 and likely more of the DC are primarily going to stay with you.

Embracelife · 13/07/2020 12:36

See a solicitor. Leave.

Zupermumm you need to leave a man who rages at your dc daily. Don't wait for him to hit them they are suffering enough already.

Tappering · 14/07/2020 14:16

Marital assets reflect the fact that one party being at home looking after children, is just as valuable as earning money to pay for the mortgage. You being on mat leave was because you'd given birth - but they are his children too, which is why he carries a financial responsibility for ensuring they are cared for in the event if a divorce.

Speak to a solicitor.

MarieG10 · 14/07/2020 15:52

The house is 50/50 yours if your married. Doesn’t matter where the equity came from. Unless it’s ring fenced by some obscure deed?

Op. Get some legal advice and don't rely on randoms for this. The house is not 50/50. There are all sorts of variables. 50/50 is what some on Mn would desire especially for a short marriage but if needs dictate it might be more or less