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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ok to see him if he lies to his wife about me?

73 replies

hideinshame · 28/09/2007 12:53

Hi, name changed here for obvious reasons. I ran into an ex at a reunion, we split up 15 years ago. We're both married with children. We've been out 3 or 4 times together since then (pizza and catch up after work). He has been unfaithful to his wife before and propositioned me at the reunion and I turned him down tho was flattered. Not mentioned it since to eachother. The problem is, when we meet up, I tell my dh I'm seeing the ex, he's fine with it. But the ex lies to his wife and tells her its a work meeting everytime. Is it ok to keep seeing him? I'm honest all round but feel bad for the wife. I've suggested his family come round to ours one day etc but he's not keen. I like having him back in my life. Am I doing the wrong thing at his wife's expense?

OP posts:
sugar34plum · 28/09/2007 13:18

put yourself in her shoes how would you feel?

Blu · 28/09/2007 13:22

Would it be better if you lied to your DH about seeing this man, do you think?
Tell your dh you are seeing a girlfriend, and then when the (inevitable) shit hits the fan, both your marriages will fall apart - which would at least be equal and fair

Hope that helps

NadineBaggott · 28/09/2007 13:27

why would like having a deceitful person back in your life?

he's not to be trusted

3andnomore · 28/09/2007 13:30

hideinshame...he obvioulsy has something else in mind, i.e. where he would liek to take our relationship, which is the reason he lies to her....seeing that you don't seem to have the same ideas as him...I think it's pointless to keep him in your life....
run as fast as you can, I say

pagwatch · 28/09/2007 13:33

As soon as you embroil yourself in his deception , you are aligning yourself with him in his lies. It is a bad way to go.

Of course the way this is headed is disaster - you know it is. And you know you should do the right thing.
Put it down to experience and admire your strngth of character as you cease all contact

Bouquets · 28/09/2007 13:51

The best case scenario for this friendship, if he accepts that you are not interested in sex, is that you get to hear all about his other indiscretions as they happen. He is dragging you into his deception and a true friend doesn't do that.

lucykate · 28/09/2007 13:54

if you carry on seeing him you are being very naive

HonoriaGlossop · 28/09/2007 14:00

Agree that you already know the answer.

What a yukky bloke he sounds. i would have zero respect for someone who has been unfaithful in the past and who continues to want to be, if only you would go for it!

Yeuuuch. What's the appeal of such a silly man who can treat his own family in this way?

mytwopenceworth · 28/09/2007 14:03

Well, it's obvious what he's after!

What are your motivations? If you want to be friends, then fair enough, talk about your family, talk about his, make it clear you are happy to be his friend, show up for the next drinks with your dh.....

NAB3 · 28/09/2007 14:24

It is just a matter of time. Stop seeing him.

beansontoast · 28/09/2007 14:29

Im with nadine on this one

fryalot · 28/09/2007 14:30

If he had no thoughts other than catching up with an old friend then he would not feel the need to lie to his wife.

Or he is a cowardly, weedy eejit who thinks that his wife will tell him off.

Either way, you do not need this man in your life.

millie99 · 28/09/2007 14:33

He is seeing you in the hope of a "my wife doesn't understand me / just for old times" shag. Why are you seeing him? Is it for a "other men still fancy me " thrill?

lilibet · 28/09/2007 14:35

Give him an ultimatium, either all of his family come round to yours/ you all go out bowling and pizza or you don't see him again.

If he won't agree to this, drop him.

MellowMa · 28/09/2007 14:37

Message withdrawn

lulumama · 28/09/2007 14:39

isn;t the new facility fucking brilliant?

Twiglett · 28/09/2007 14:41

God I'd love to go out with an ex and be wanted by him

(I probably wouldn't do it though .. but I'd love to have the chance)

Cashncarry · 28/09/2007 14:44

at lulumama saying that word even with the strikethrough!

Wash your mouth out girlie!

To the OP - I think you know what to do. "I like having him back in my life" seems to me to be code for "I know what I'm doing is a bit iffy but I like the attention".

maisemor · 28/09/2007 15:10

You are helping him being a two timing dumbarse here.

Have you told your husband the full story yourself? If not then you are just as bad as him.

Original poster
hideinshame · 28/09/2007 15:22

Yes, what everyone's said is right. For the record we were together 4 years as students, not married, no kids together. He treated me like dirt when we split up and I guess I'm pathetically grateful for his interest now, 15 years and three kids of my own later.

He may be a shit but is a charismatic and attractive one. Your unanimous response has given me the kick up the arse I need. I promise never to see him unless his wife comes too - he'll probably fade away as he can't face explaining to her how he 'ran' into me. Thanks all, and keep the slag off comments rolling so I don't waver

OP posts:
Blu · 28/09/2007 15:25

I do think that if you told your DH the whole truth about these meetings - that the ex is deceiving his wife about seeing you, then your DH would be less happy. So, stop now before you start down the slippery slope ahead of you.

And look at why you need the flattery of a charismatic bastard who treated you badly. I'm sure you deserve flattery - find it from a source which gives it the value you deserve.

Dinosaur · 28/09/2007 15:26

I can absolutely relate to where you're coming from, hideinshame - but I think it's definitely the right decision. Good on yer!

Carmenere · 28/09/2007 15:30

Slag

Carmenere · 28/09/2007 15:32

Actually it is an interesting thing though. If I was being honest with myself(and a few hundred strangers on mn)I would be mighty flattered if my ex, the one who broke my heart and treated me like shit, still fancied me.
Now if he did I would hope to run like hell, but I would be flattered.
Doesn't say much about my self esteem really................

Original poster
hideinshame · 28/09/2007 15:43

Tbh I've told dh that ex lies to his wife, we think it's quite amusing. BUT didn't fess up to the reunion attempt to shag me. You're right I don't need him in my life. But it was fun while it lasted.

OP posts:
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