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Original poster

Dating a 30 year old man who goes drinking most weekend

68 replies

katiie3 · 12/07/2020 18:37

Thoughts and views on a dating a 30 year old man who socially drinks with his friends, most weekends ie a Friday night or Saturday.

He gets very tipsy and drunk. I’m only coming to finding out after the lockdown was eased and people have started meeting at houses again/going out.

He drinks with the boys and it seems like he did this in his past relationships. Dedicated time to seeing his friends and getting drunk.

Never experienced anything like this before. Any views on this?

OP posts:
Lobsterquadrille2 · 12/07/2020 18:59

I've heard a variation of his story many times, in AA meeting rooms - progressing as the years pass. I would avoid if I were you.

mulberrybag · 12/07/2020 18:59

You're not compatible, end it now while you're still at the early stages.
This lifestyle is only ever good if you're both party people, he's telling you early on that his priority time is with the boys. This doesn't sound like what you need/want.
It feels like as women we always need to see the best in our partners and be so forgiving at all times.
I wish I'd learnt or had the confidence when I was younger, that it is perfectly acceptable to just bloody end a relationship instead of having to 'fix' the person you're with. It would have saved me from half a lifetime of heartache and living with an abusive alcoholic.

Thatnameistaken · 12/07/2020 18:59

It wouldn't be for me. Anyone who would effectively choose getting pissed over holding down a job isn't someone I'd want to spend time with.

Original poster
katiie3 · 12/07/2020 19:01

@Cynara I haven’t discussed anything. It is only since lockdown measures were eased that I have been able to see all this and we are not in a relationship. Just talking stage so we are not invested at the moment

OP posts:
pooopypants · 12/07/2020 19:01

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Absolutely not. He won't change, even if you have kids with him.

Hvaing a few is one thing. Passing out because you can't make it through the door is something entirely different.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/07/2020 19:02

I don’t think he has a drinking problem but then again I don’t know much about alcohol as I haven’t been around it. He doesn’t drink everyday or during the week. But when he sees the boy, he gets very drunk to the point, where he passes out or ends up in a ditch. Literally. Sometimes he loses his clothes and returns home in half his clothing.

Read that back to yourself. He 100% has a drinking problem. There's an easy way to tell. If he drinks, it causes him problems, he still drinks... he has a drinking problem.

JaggySplinter · 12/07/2020 19:02

You don't drink and he appears to have an alcohol problem. You don't sound at all compatible on this front.

I'd be running for the hills based on what you described. I have no tolerance for drinking in way that screams of alcohol abuse. I can understand the occasional bender, or drinking s few every weekend, but I wouldn't be able to have s relationship with someone who drank the way you described.

It's a personal choice though, and clearly it works for some couples.

CottonSock · 12/07/2020 19:03

You definitely don't sound compatible. I'd walk away now.

Vodkacranberryplease · 12/07/2020 19:03

I love a drink. Love getting pissed sometimes. But this is a different level. This is definitely edging into problem drinking because he clearly can't hold it.

And if you don't drink at all then I can't see much of a future. You should be going out together and having fun and I can't imagine this is your idea of fun and I can't imagine him wanting to change.

Original poster
katiie3 · 12/07/2020 19:04

Yes, I agree. My concern is getting into a relationship where the man prefers going out drinking than spending time with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
katiie3 · 12/07/2020 19:07

I dated a man many years ago. He enjoyed drinking but never to the point where he would pass out. We would go out, enjoy our day, have food. He would have a few drinks and it was nice.

Even whilst relaxing at home he would have wine and a few beers but never to the point where his behaviour changed.

OP posts:
Dollywilde · 12/07/2020 19:08

Based on your first post I was going to say you were overreacting - I’m 31 and until I got pregnant DH and I would usually be in a pub/restaurant/bar/all of the above on Friday and Saturday nights, either with friends or together.

Based on your update I wouldn’t progress the relationship. I’ve done my fair share of ridiculous drunken things but passing out somewhere is not and should not be an every weekend occurrence. Less than ideal in an 18 year old uni fresher, flat out concerning in an adult male, especially one who has previously lost a job for excessive alcohol intake. I’m not qualified to say if it’s a drinking problem or not (although I was a heavy drinker pre pregnancy and it sounds like one to me) but it’s not something I’d knowingly get involved with.

2bazookas · 12/07/2020 19:10

I wouldn't date a man who drinks to passing out/shitting himself/ pissing the bed etc.

Frownette · 12/07/2020 19:12

You're not suitable. Not normal to be passing out places.

I know what you mean about not doing other things, an ex used to want to go to pubs all the time rather than have a coffee. We did do nice things occasionally like walks, meals, concerts, movies but it was a bit exasperating.

Original poster
katiie3 · 12/07/2020 19:12

@Dollywilde thank you for your advice. My first post wasn’t as explanatory. My bad.

I don’t mind socially drinking partners. It’s just how much he drinks and how he behaves when he is so drunk. It is like he completely forgets about everything and everyone.

OP posts:
Crystalspider · 12/07/2020 19:14

What you don't like now will only bug you more in the future.

Cynara · 12/07/2020 19:25

If you're only in the "talking" stage, then I agree with pp that you should walk away now. @Dery is spot on about posters on this thread probably having grown up around alcohol, I certainly did and what you describe in your later posts is definitely an alcohol problem, but it's not your problem and you have no responsibility to get involved any further. Being a non-drinker you're actually in a great position to have clarity on this, because you don't need to deal with the blurred lines of "I do like to share a bottle of wine with him, so maybe his drinking is sometimes fine and not as bad as I think..." Finish it now while it's easy and before it encroaches on your life.

MaeveDidIt · 12/07/2020 19:29

I know someone like this.
He did it all his life and he is still doing it to this day and he's 60 now.
Walk (run) away quickly and don't look back unless you want to become a pub widow - they don't change for anyone and believe me he won't change or prioritize you.

user1481840227 · 12/07/2020 19:33

I don’t think he has a drinking problem but then again I don’t know much about alcohol as I haven’t been around it. He doesn’t drink everyday or during the week. But when he sees the boy, he gets very drunk to the point, where he passes out or ends up in a ditch. Literally. Sometimes he loses his clothes and returns home in half his clothing.

This sounds like problem drinking. Maybe it would change if he was in a relationship or had children, but the behaviour is the same as problem drinker behaviour, with the difference being it's not affecting his relationships (yet).

My ex was a problem drinker and went to AA, most of the people who go to the meetings are problem drinkers, not alcoholics.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 12/07/2020 19:36

He’s not for you. Sounds like a teenager! I love a drink but passsing out in the garden or stations is another level!

Original poster
katiie3 · 12/07/2020 19:40

@BigSandyBalls2015 yes, you said how I am feeling. He feels like a teenager. Like a big kid. There is nothing wrong with drinking on a weekend but drinking to get drunk and pass out, seems childish.

OP posts:
DianasLasso · 12/07/2020 19:43

@katiie3

Thanks everyone. We are not in a relationship and just dating/seen each other a few times but I would rather walk away now than progress into anything detrimental
Good call OP.

From what you're describing, he's got a drink problem - dependency, incipient alcoholism, functional alcoholism... who cares where precisely he is on this sliding scale, you're better off out of it.

(And way back when I was a 30-something and we all used to go out Friday and Saturday nights, I could still spot the people who were headed for problems even though pretty much all of us got trollied from time to time. Black outs, passing out in random places, none of these are good signs.)

bronzedgodesswannabe · 12/07/2020 20:01

RUN RUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

RantyAnty · 12/07/2020 21:10

I'd take a pass on the falling down drunk.
I couldn't get past the smell of them.

Mistystar99 · 14/07/2020 21:48

Neither of you will be happy. Normal to drink, normal not to - but one of each won't work.