Am I asking for too much from DP?

[Anxiousmummy2020]

My DP and I have two children age 6 and 9. He works 60 hours a week, 7am-12 noon on Tuesday and Wednesdays, then nights 8.30pm-7.30am Thursday all the way through to Sunday. He sleeps in the days 8am-2pm his choice, I think he should sleep more but he said he gets a 2 hour break at work which he sleeps on. I work 8.30am-2.30pm Monday to Friday. Do breakfast school drop off, school pick up, homework take to clubs, dinner washing up cleaning food shopping etc etc. He says he cannot help with any of it because he works 60 hours a week. I’m now furloughed I’ve had kids at home for 16 weeks, he has done nothing with them. I’m so exhausted and isolated because our oldest is shielding. I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown. I’ve spoken to him and he said he feels like we don’t get on and have grown apart. We can try and make things work but I need to be affectionate, I can’t be affectionate because I’m basically on my own all day with the kids and all night on my own. When he is here he does his own thing like computer tv jogging etc. I feel broken. He is annoyed with me and said he would feel like it was a holiday if he was furloughed. He said if I’m unhappy he will leave, but then I’ll be even more on my own than I am now! I’m so fed up I feel on the verge of a breakdown. I feel like I barely I’m just on my own with dc all of the time. He does nothing with them. He said I’m just looking at the negatives and he’s hard working earns well we have a nice home etc. Which is true. But I feel so depressed it’s starting to affect me I feel like I can’t take much more of being solely responsible for the dc and be the only one who does anything with them with no input from him. Am I asking too much from him?

But they're never the one managing alone.

That's absolute rubbish, I am a single parent. And I prefer it to living with a shite partner.

And it's hugely unlikely that a guy who works 60+ hours and actively avoids parenting his children is going to be "fun dad" who steals them away. He might throw money at them, but he'll never be able to sustain a genuine level of interest in them.

I would give couples counselling one chance, but not any old counsellor- i would want one really experienced at working with what is certainly an abusive dynamic

Any competent therapist with expertise in abuse would refuse to undertake joint therapy where there is abuse because it would be both dangerous and unethical. Any therapist who agreed to it would not be a therapist you want to work with.

Individual therapy with someone who understands abuse and trauma on the other hand could be helpful.

Look up the Freedom Programme course, op.

"Is that how most mothers feel like the dc are their total responsibility?"

No, I don't think that's how most mothers feel. It's certainly not how they should feel.

For gods sake. He's not suddenly going to become the worlds funnest dad, the guy sleeps and works and that's it. Even if he becomes a Disney dad your kids will look to you for comfort, security, routine, stability, all the things they need and rely on.

I've been a single parent and I'd rather do that than be with someone dragging me down and financially abusing me. Your kids are not going to run off and live with someone who has proved he can't and won't look after them. Kids are smart and they work things out pretty quickly.

I think he’s sensed something, he was being extra nice before he went to work tonight, loaded the dishwasher hung the washing out and played a board game with dc for the first time in their lives. Why do they always start acting nice when you are finally seeing sense, I hate it because then it makes me feel like I was being unreasonable to think all these bad things

This man has a great life with no responsibilties and all his housekeeping and needs met. Plus he has control of finances that need to support your children. Your needs are not being met nor is he meeting the needs of your children. Time to get him painted out of the picture and you need to have the control. Have a word with Womens Aid about financial and emotional abuse which is going on. Your Mum can see it and by your account we can see it. Good luck.

he was being extra nice before he went to work tonight, loaded the dishwasher hung the washing out and played a board game with dc for the first time in their lives.

Thats not being nice. Thats standard!!!!! Anything other than contributing towards the housework is entitled lazy man-child.

Stop thinking this is nice behaviour. Expect equal housework and some actual parenting as the very basic level of behaviour.

I’m a single parent who divorced my man-child 18 months ago. It IS easier without him. I don’t miss him. DD got over the upset and upheaval within about 6 months. He hasn’t changed and she loves him and enjoys seeing him but she always wants to come home.

Is there any chance he knows your username on Mumsnet OP?

I have wondered if he does as it’s such a change in behaviour. Either that or the message I sent to him 2 nights ago while he was at work (which I got no reply to) sunk in a bit. It basically told him I’m struggling to sleep because I’m so sad at what our life has come too. But this morning he came in from work, saw I had been crying asked if I was ok I said yes, he gave me a strained hug then went up to bed. And I’m sitting here thinking I can’t cope with another day. And I’m now feeling anxious wondering if he’s going to be like normal when he wakes up or if he’s going to be better like yesterday. I really need a holiday. I mentioned last night to him before I went to work that I might take the kids away for a week and he said let him know what days and he will come too so that’s ruined that. I think he wants to make things better but only if the effort he has to put in doesn’t interfere with his life if that makes sense?

Thank you so much for the replies just reading this thread is helping me a bit to get through the days. I woke up last night and had a feeling of dread at waking up to another day. The thought of just being on my own 24/7. Although that’s not true as I have the kids and he’s in the house doing his own thing and does sometimes speak to me if I’m in the same room. But for some reason I feel like I’m alone

It's telling that you're waking up afraid he's going to be "normal" - and him actually doing real normal things like playing with the kids and putting on the dishwasher is exceptional to you.

It's not right, op. You deserve better. Better alone than badly accompanied. He's a bloody millstone around your neck and a shit example of how a man should be.

Would you want your children to be in similar relationships when they're older?

So his doing a bit of housework and engaging with his DC is him acting nice? No, it's the basic norm you should expect from a partner and father of DC.

All I will say is your work aspects and caring aspects won’t get any less if you do split (and I think you should) especially if he doesn’t step up to the plate about having the kids- many women presume the men will and they will get more time to themselves, but it doesnt always work out like that. Moneywise, well he earns well so will be paying you a fair bit and you should be fine.

I think you should make plans to leave. It all sounds very sad and lonely. You are a person in your own right, you deserve respect and appreciation. Apart from anything else what sort of example is it setting to your kids?

Every time I open up a conversation with him if I say something that he doesn’t like he just refuses to respond. Or makes an excuse why we can’t change things he won’t even discuss it. Or blames me. So nothing ever gets resolved

Then he gives me the silent treatment for a day max then acts like nothing was ever said!