Am I asking for too much from DP?

[Anxiousmummy2020]

My DP and I have two children age 6 and 9. He works 60 hours a week, 7am-12 noon on Tuesday and Wednesdays, then nights 8.30pm-7.30am Thursday all the way through to Sunday. He sleeps in the days 8am-2pm his choice, I think he should sleep more but he said he gets a 2 hour break at work which he sleeps on. I work 8.30am-2.30pm Monday to Friday. Do breakfast school drop off, school pick up, homework take to clubs, dinner washing up cleaning food shopping etc etc. He says he cannot help with any of it because he works 60 hours a week. I’m now furloughed I’ve had kids at home for 16 weeks, he has done nothing with them. I’m so exhausted and isolated because our oldest is shielding. I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown. I’ve spoken to him and he said he feels like we don’t get on and have grown apart. We can try and make things work but I need to be affectionate, I can’t be affectionate because I’m basically on my own all day with the kids and all night on my own. When he is here he does his own thing like computer tv jogging etc. I feel broken. He is annoyed with me and said he would feel like it was a holiday if he was furloughed. He said if I’m unhappy he will leave, but then I’ll be even more on my own than I am now! I’m so fed up I feel on the verge of a breakdown. I feel like I barely I’m just on my own with dc all of the time. He does nothing with them. He said I’m just looking at the negatives and he’s hard working earns well we have a nice home etc. Which is true. But I feel so depressed it’s starting to affect me I feel like I can’t take much more of being solely responsible for the dc and be the only one who does anything with them with no input from him. Am I asking too much from him?

Get Copies of his wage slips. Or p60

He’s not a partner. This is not a partnership. It never will be.

Time wise you will be no worse off if he leaves. And unless he never sees them you will probably be better off.

Money wise you will get CMS and maybe UC if he leaves. He will definitely be worse off.

House wise if you jointly own it you could an order to stay on and defer sale based on your joint responsibilities to house the children.

I think your assessment of burnt out is probadly correct and maybe a break would help. Lockdown has exasperated the situation and highlighted support or lack of support from partners.

Firstly, try to heal yourself. Do what you think will help. When he is home go for a walk as gentle exercise and sunlight will help, consider seeing your GP as you may need medication temporarily. Put yourself first, even if that means house standards fall. Its the old saying of needing to put your oxgyen mask on first so that you can help the children.

Don't make any decisions yet however it is interesting that your mum says he is manipulating you.

He sounds extremely selfish and uncaring. What is the housing situation as he seems to want to frighten you with money worries.

When would he propose seeing the children if you separated? That would be the time when you should get a break.

Jesus that's grim. You sound on the edge of a breakdown.

I would give couples counselling one chance, but not any old counsellor- i would want one really experienced at working with what is certainly an abusive dynamic. Pick very carefully.

I say this partly because I think divorcing and 'co-parenting' with this man will be an absolute fucking nightmare, and there is always just a chance of change that is worth trying.

He will refuse and complain about the expense; I would inform him that he commits to the process or you start a divorce and that will be more expensive than he can believe.

So is it right, he gets 6.5 hours a day ( at least) to do his own thing?
Whilst you're left cooking, cleaning, child care in your "non - working" time - that's a very unbalanced partnership.
Plus the financial situation...

Go & see your GP - get some support to look after yourself. Take time for yourself when he's at home & awake - book it in with him.
Start making plans to make the situation better. Work out what you need from him. If he can't give it to you, leave.
This is an awful way to live

So he works hard for the "family" but you have no access or say re the money he brings in? Also sounds like he doesnt pay anything for his own kids? A divorce would soon change that. You pay for a family holiday out of 900 you bring in? Thats insane. He is unsupportive of you going back to work full time because he would then need to do some actual parenting as demonstrated by your example with school run discussion.
He doesnt help with the kids or the house. What good is he? Why did he want a family to only then pretend his life has not changed one bit despite having kids and a wife? Works hours that he wants, has all of his own earnings and same leisure time.
You voiced your unhapiness. His response tells you clearly how much he cares about that
Tell him to take a week off and go away on your own. Leave the kids and the house to him. You need the break. It should give you some time to think clearly too about your next steps. The most important thing - dont carry on as you are. It is NOT working for you.
Best of luck

When my dc were younger I felt exactly the same. My dh worked 12 hour shifts with the days changing each week and it just felt like I was doing everything myself and even when he was home he needed to ‘rest’. What helped me was getting myself and the dc into our own routine instead of working round dh’s shift pattern. I also let the unimportant things go eg I stopped ironing dh’s clothes and the kitchen floor was not mopped every day (shock!). Let ur dc go on their iPads for a couple hours a day and in that time do something for yourself even if it is just do an exercise dvd in another room.

Are you married?

If I’m on my own I’ll still have the same amount to do with them so I’m worried it will be no different

It would because the expectations would be gone. You would sort out a routine without wanting him to help. He'll also have to pay child support. Then there's contact which can go either way. Some men find a new relationship with their kids after splitting up with their mother when they previously didn't bother. Or things won't change for the kids at all.

Plus you would then, when ready have the chance to find someone who doesn't treat you like crap.

Take him up on the offer of leaving next time he says. Speak to a solicitor soon to find out where the land will lie if you were to split up. It might make you feel more secure if it comes to it.

I earn 900 a month and did when I left my ex. So now my total income is £2,380 with cms, CB and some uc. Plus up to 85% of childcare is covered, so some holiday clubs for your children when things are back to normal so you won't be beholden to him to do his fair share of holiday cover.

You can manage without him! And it is actually less exhausting to do it all on my own than to be waiting on available help that never comes. I am happier and looking forward to upping my hours at work from September, plus I have a whole day to myself every week, a new boyfriend, complete control over finances, house to decorate as I wish and nobody telling me I'm lazy.

Firstly I think you need to see your GP as you're (understandably) struggling. If you've been before then go back, there are loads of things they can try.

And he said I would struggle for money if we split as I only earn £900 a month so life would be harder.

You would be entitled to some benefits, CMS etc, you'd be ok.

My mum thinks he is trying to manipulate me

It's good that your mum has the measure of him. If she's sending you links to an Air B&B she obviously is concerned for you.

As PP's have said, he's also financially abusive.

@InkieNecro

I earn 900 a month and did when I left my ex. So now my total income is £2,380 with cms, CB and some uc. Plus up to 85% of childcare is covered, so some holiday clubs for your children when things are back to normal so you won't be beholden to him to do his fair share of holiday cover.

You can manage without him! And it is actually less exhausting to do it all on my own than to be waiting on available help that never comes. I am happier and looking forward to upping my hours at work from September, plus I have a whole day to myself every week, a new boyfriend, complete control over finances, house to decorate as I wish and nobody telling me I'm lazy.

I wanted to highlight this for you op.

The days he works 7 to midday

What is he doing with the family
What have you asked him to do, maybe you need to spell it out like
Take the children out for a few hours, so that you get some downtime

Why can't he cook on these days ?

Wow... I was going to suggest that he takes a week's holiday and you go to a B&B for a week. He can do all the stuff you're doing on furlough with the kids and the house, and it might help him appreciate that it's not a holiday.

..but then I read about the finances. This is abusive.

He said he will only let me help with the budget if I put in 3,000 a month like him. I said fine he does the school runs then and I’ll work a 9-5 but he didn’t like that idea

So he's only willing to let you have sight of the family finances if you contribute as much as he does. Which you're willing to do. But he won't pick up his half of the chores, so he's effectively blocking you doing that. So there's no way you can meet his 'requirements' to see the finances.

He's choosing to work 60+hrs a week, for money that only he controls, and using it as an excuse not to pull his weight with childcare or housework.

Ok well you have to separate. There's no other option as he's not willing to share finances, share housework or share childcare. So there is no relationship anyway.

I mean, this is literally not a relationship OP. You are not in a relationship with this man.

Once you understand that, the separation is just a matter of practicalities and you'll be fine.

In the long run you could meet someone who treats you as a partner and have a great life. But that will never happen as long as you stay with your current boss. Hand in your resignation and leave.

He is financially abusing you, as well as being a useless dad. You would be better off without him, let him leave, get a CMS claim in, look to see what benefits you could claim as one of your ds has additional needs. You may be able to claim DLA for your child & get extra UC for being a carer, any CMS payments are disregarded on benefits claims. Get a solicitor & make him have the children two nights a week, no negotiation so you have some time to recharge, you are already doing everything on your own so you won't be any worse off if he leaves, you will be better off as you won't have to wash, shop or feed him as well as not having to put up with him in your life.

So he works a lot of hours but doesn't actually give you access or show you where the money goes? Doesn't have anything to do with his own children, gaslights you and is controlling.

Your life will be much better without him op. Even if he doesn't have the kids EOW you won't have to live feeling this resentment towards him.

It doesn't sound like he sees you as an equal

No access to view "his money"

Is he the guy who gambles ?

He has this completely wrong - when he’s not at work he should be helping with the DC. That’s how parenting works. Especially in the earlier years. My DH and I have both worked throughout having DC and non-working time was spent parenting. He doesn’t get to opt out just because he’s working. And btw: does he want a relationship with his DCs? Because that also requires him to turn up.

Ah - didn’t see second page before posting. It sounds like he’s abusive and you need to get away from him.

So he gets up at 2pm and goes to work at 8. 30 pm but can't use that time to so anything with the kids? The budget stuff is also very controlling. Do you actually want to make the relationship work with such a selfish man?

@Anxiousmummy2020

Now I'm going to say something slightly different to all those convincing you to split up.

I don't disagree with him that you should when not working on furlough, being primarily responsible for the children and housework.

However, him not participating in any family activities is an issue. Or not sharing the load when he's not working/sleeping.

The Airbnb option, really would only have a direct impact if you left the children at home. And I would imagine that you wouldn't do that!

With regards your feeling like a lone parent, I think you do need to realise that though it may not feel like it, the reality of being a lone parent is very different! Noone else who shares the responsibility if there's an issue, who manages the finances etc, though this in your case seems as though you've had a financial issue too with the joint account. But being a lone parent means when the boiler breaks etc, you're entirely responsible for it! Totally different ball game.

But some other things to bear in mind:
*,You sound as though you maybe depressed and that maybe resolving this would help everything seem clearer. You may still decide to part but you may also decide its worth working at.
*You'd be entitled to uc on an income of £900 a month.
*Your oh wouldn't have to have the children overnight or at all, and may well cancel etc to inconvenience you last minute.
*You'll be portrayed as the bad guy by the sounds of it.
*He wouldn't be liable to pay ANY childcare costs. But you couldclaim 85%of the costs via uc. Equally, he could then argue that he should have the children if you use the cc as a preference - to reduce maintenance and piss you off.
*There's always a risk that if he becomes fun dad, which many manage when separated, that the children woukd want to live with him.
*You'd have to accept that shared occasions will always be shared. You may never guarantee that you'll spend birthdays, Christmas etc with them, or it's alternated etc. I know of one mum when they have repeated court orders where he's managed to end up getting it altered and she's lost out on these occasions for 4 years in a row and expects that again when its her turn this year this will happen again . Rare but happens.
*You and the children would never have the standard of living you currently have, unless you manage to move to a much higher salaried work? With the stress this will bring.

Personally, in your scenario, I'd arrange to speak with him, when you're not rushed or going to be interrupted, putting children to bed etc. Discuss the reality, that he'd pay maintenance, lose over half the equity, savings etc, have only eow contact etc.
State what you'd need to see to recover from this. And likewise he needs to say what he'd like to see. If neither can compromise then that's your answer, but if you can, it's worth a shot. Remember, lockdown is practically over, it's the summer holidays and school starts in7. 5 weeks for all including the shielding children. So maybe this conversation is needed now and then needs to run until say end of September to give it a fair shot?

Lockdown has been hard on many and you maybe feeling the effects.

I've been shielding and it's hard....

Solomummy, I actually prefer having everything fall on my shoulders to living with a man who could help but doesn't. Yes, it's tough at times, but having the freedom to make my own decisions about what's important, how I spend my money and get things sorted my own way is sooo much better than constantly waiting for the bloke to help or step up.

Solo mummy I am scared of him becoming “fun dad” and they end up preferring him, I have so many fears about splitting up. But it’s so hard living like this, I could do things to improve it one of the suggestions above about getting into my own routine regardless of him is good, but I still feel like I parent alone doing that. Is that how most mothers feel like the dc are their total responsibility?

@Anxiousmummy2020

Solo mummy I am scared of him becoming “fun dad” and they end up preferring him, I have so many fears about splitting up. But it’s so hard living like this, I could do things to improve it one of the suggestions above about getting into my own routine regardless of him is good, but I still feel like I parent alone doing that. Is that how most mothers feel like the dc are their total responsibility?

I think that yes, majority do.

Though MN would lead you to think otherwise with their rush to always advise leave! But they're never the one managing alone. "Sharing" their children, often living in poverty if you look at the statistics. Women often find new relationships are harder to come by then their male counterparts.