Adult daughter causing major family rows

[Pammiee]

Our 20 year-old daughter is perpetually messy and it's causing more and more horrible fights between her, my husband and I. Husband is overly aggressive to the point of being verbally abusive so I try to calm things and he feels I'm taking her side. I know it's in part my fault as I've always tidied up after her (when she was younger I wasn't working and I like things tidy so was happy to let her away with being messy) but now recognise I've encourgaed her to be disrespectful of both me and my husband even though she's genuinely a good and caring person and respectful in other people's homes. Now with Covid and all 3 of us being home it's reached critical point and all 3 of us feel victims and defensive to the point of being unable to discuss in a reasonable manner. Can anyone recommend a family therapist who could help?

She's probably doing it because she has no respect for a verbally abusive man. Bet if he wasn't there, the place would be immaculate. And you'd be a lot less anxious about cleaning up after her.

Therapy doesn't work in abusive homes, by the way.

So her father (?) is overly aggressive (any aggression is too much, by the way) to the point of being verbally abusive.

Yet she's the 'cause' of the rows? Really??

You're blaming your daughter for your husband's abusive behaviour.

It's not her fault.

[quote Heismyopendoor]@Babesinthewud what do you recommend for the abusive husband?[/quote]
Well considering the OP hasn’t been back to elaborate on the ‘abusive’ behaviour and what exactly is constitutes, then I will assume he gets angry, raised his voice etc...

Someone in an actual abusive relationship who is trapped and controlled by the said person is a different thing entirely. So let’s not make this the same.

If he’s acting pissed off with her (which some would cry was abusive, which is ridiculous) then it’s understandable he’s annoyed.

His negative reaction appears to be based on her selfishness/laziness/lack of respect and responsibility. The OP has already explained that the DD is messy etc.... and she doesn’t seem bothered. So it’s not his interpretation of events, to be controlling, the OP acknowledges the DD takes no responsibility and is quite happy to leave it a mess.

Should he shout, carry on? Probably not but when people are at the end of their tether then perhaps some people do! Maybe he should go to anger management but the onus shouldn’t be taken off the DD to stop acting like it’s a doss house

Babesinthewud,
OP herself clearly stated that her husband is
overly aggressive to the point of being verbally abusive
That's never okay.

You've made heaps of assumptions here in order to vilify the daughter and minimise the abuse. Maybe have a think about what motivates you to do that.

Does everyone need a therapist for everything these days? Tell her to buck up her ideas and start cleaning up her mess! If it's just her own room, as long as it's not mouldy food or anything disgusting, I would let it go. If it's everywhere then tell her to stop being so bloody disrespectful. You don't need a therapist to make your dad clean up after herself!

@soundslikeclouds

Babesinthewud, OP herself clearly stated that her husband is overly aggressive to the point of being verbally abusive That's never okay. You've made heaps of assumptions here in order to vilify the daughter and minimise the abuse. Maybe have a think about what motivates you to do that.

Clearly you’ve made assumptions too. Verbally abusive could be someone raising their voice for goodness sake.

Do you honestly think that people don’t get frustrated about things and perhaps act out of character out of frustration?

Are you telling me the daughters behaviour is acceptable? That it’s ok to show no respect within the house, despite being asked to?

Babesinthewud You're doing it again.
Where did you read that this man's abusiveness and aggression are out of character for him? You're making it up.

Don't let her come out of her room - good idea, then she can avoid the aggressive twat that's all over the house.

Anyway, just waiting now for the OP to come back and say what a great dad her hubby is.

Which areas are messy

Decluttering and reorganising items into storage is a good first step.

@soundslikeclouds

Babesinthewud You're doing it again. Where did you read that this man's abusiveness and aggression are out of character for him? You're making it up.

The irony...

How do YOU know he’s like this all the time?🙄 OP has said no such thing. Yeahhhh I’m making it up.... go back and read the post perhaps

@soundslikeclouds

The OP even acknowledged in her post that the dd is disrespectful to both her and the father.

Tell me again, why is that ok for her to act in such contempt? OP even states that dd is many like that in other people’s homes, just her own home.

not

soundslikeclouds to be fair, you have assumed that he is an abuser and always has been. OP didn't say that. It could be lockdown stress. The OP hasn't come back to elaborate. If he is genuinely abusive, and has been for a long time, why is the OP still with him?

[quote Babesinthewud]@soundslikeclouds

The OP even acknowledged in her post that the dd is disrespectful to both her and the father.

Tell me again, why is that ok for her to act in such contempt? OP even states that dd is many like that in other people’s homes, just her own home.[/quote]
I would not respect a man who behaved aggressively and abusively towards me and/or my mother.

Husband is overly aggressive to the point of being verbally abusive

That's nice dear. But it's still your daughter that is the problem?

I think the OP is asking for help.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

soundslikeclouds to be fair, you have assumed that he is an abuser and always has been. OP didn't say that. It could be lockdown stress. The OP hasn't come back to elaborate. If he is genuinely abusive, and has been for a long time, why is the OP still with him?

Oh wow, of course, there's no such thing as a longstanding abusive relationship.

OP may need help here to realise how out of order her husband's behaviour is. OP's use of the term 'overly aggressive' rings such alarm bells for me. There is no acceptable level of aggression.

I would not respect a man who behaved aggressively and abusively towards me and/or my mother.

@soundslikeclouds

OP never said that he behaves aggressively to her or DD in any other instance. I inferred that it was due to her lack of contempt in this situation and this situation only.

If I’m wrong and OP comes back and says he’s abusive in general then that’s a different ball game altogether.

Oh wow, of course, there's no such thing as a longstanding abusive relationship.

Of course there is 🤨 but we don't know if it is, again OP hasn't come back to elaborate, which makes me suspicious of the thread tbh.
I would be very frustrated if my kids walked about making mess at 20 and being cheeky and disrespectful. I would probably shout at them.
The question still stands, why has the OP stayed so long? If he is abusive to her dd then she has a responsibility to protect her.

There is no acceptable level of aggression

Shouting is a level of aggression. People shout while arguing all the time. Have you never raised your voice, or had anyone raise their voice to you?

You’ve started a thread blaming your daughter for your husbands aggression.

I feel sad for your daughter

Another 'dump and run' thread.

One long, very emotional, self blaming, but not very detailed post from the OP aaaaaaaand gone.

Away into the ether.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

There is no acceptable level of aggression

Shouting is a level of aggression. People shout while arguing all the time. Have you never raised your voice, or had anyone raise their voice to you?

So if I've ever done it or it's been done to me then that means it's okay? Interesting logic.