Adult daughter causing major family rows

[Pammiee]

Our 20 year-old daughter is perpetually messy and it's causing more and more horrible fights between her, my husband and I. Husband is overly aggressive to the point of being verbally abusive so I try to calm things and he feels I'm taking her side. I know it's in part my fault as I've always tidied up after her (when she was younger I wasn't working and I like things tidy so was happy to let her away with being messy) but now recognise I've encourgaed her to be disrespectful of both me and my husband even though she's genuinely a good and caring person and respectful in other people's homes. Now with Covid and all 3 of us being home it's reached critical point and all 3 of us feel victims and defensive to the point of being unable to discuss in a reasonable manner. Can anyone recommend a family therapist who could help?

[monkeymonkey2010]

i'm messy - and i like it.....and i live on my own so it's ok.

if you choose to share living space with somebody else and you're 20 yrs old - stop being a lazy, goady twat and pull your weight!

[onlinelinda]

@treacletoots, I should think the OPs rights trump because it is her home the DH is in, and her daughter is no longer a child.

I do think it's tricky to sort out the dynamic when your DH is verbally abusive, and also if you and your DH can't get on the same page (understandably).

[Babesinthewud]

None of it matters because it seems this thread is a

[Babesinthewud]

@soundslikeclouds

No personal attacks, no haste. I don't shout or scream at people. The fact that I have done so in the past does not in any way mean that it was acceptable behaviour. Behaviour can be understood, contextualised, without being acceptable. OP said her husband is overly aggressive and verbally abusive. She outlined how she tries to calm him down, then he turns on her and accuses her of taking her daughter's side. You know nothing about me, but you're so invested in minimising abusive behaviour that you're incessantly accusing me of things that aren't true.
I'm not going to aid you two (?) in derailing OP's thread any further. I'm here to support OP and her daughter. You seem to be here to advocate for the abusive aggressive man, and pilliory the daughter. That's your choice, but I won't be responding to you on this thread again either.

I like to see the full picture before I pass judgment. You’re reaction has been ironic considering the circumstances.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

It's not derailing the thread, we are right on topic. I don't think we need to worry about that anyway as OP isn't coming back.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

The fact that I have done so in the past does not in any way mean that it was acceptable behaviour.

No one said it was, but I personally don't think losing your temper and shouting is abusive. Shouting can be seen as aggressive behaviour, but it's not a level of aggression that I would call abusive. You said all aggression is unacceptable, so what is your solution to the OPs husbands aggression?

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

Nice to see you've called down a bit now soundslikeclouds. Do you find it hard to believe that 2 different people disagree with you?
At no point did either of us say that abusive behaviour is acceptable, just that we can't jump to that conclusion based in one post, which is apparent now is fake, so it's all a bit pointless really. Your reaction to someone disagreeing with you was pretty aggressive though.

[soundslikeclouds]

No personal attacks, no haste. I don't shout or scream at people. The fact that I have done so in the past does not in any way mean that it was acceptable behaviour. Behaviour can be understood, contextualised, without being acceptable. OP said her husband is overly aggressive and verbally abusive. She outlined how she tries to calm him down, then he turns on her and accuses her of taking her daughter's side. You know nothing about me, but you're so invested in minimising abusive behaviour that you're incessantly accusing me of things that aren't true.
I'm not going to aid you two (?) in derailing OP's thread any further. I'm here to support OP and her daughter. You seem to be here to advocate for the abusive aggressive man, and pilliory the daughter. That's your choice, but I won't be responding to you on this thread again either.

[Babesinthewud]

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Some people just can't cope when anyone disagrees with them 🤷. If this is how soundslikeclouds reacts when anyone disagrees with them irl, I would imagine it could be interpreted as aggressive, and possibly abusive to some people.

Exactly right!

[Babesinthewud]

Although I am starting to think this is a thread...

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

Some people just can't cope when anyone disagrees with them 🤷. If this is how soundslikeclouds reacts when anyone disagrees with them irl, I would imagine it could be interpreted as aggressive, and possibly abusive to some people.

[Babesinthewud]

@soundslikeclouds

Going by your answer though I will assume you do shout,

Okay, I realise now that your reading comprehension is extremely limited. You are of course entitled to make whatever ridiculous assumptions you want. I won't be engaging with you anymore on this thread.

OP, I'd recommend you give Women's Aid a call, rather than a family therapist. Talk it through with them.

And you are clearly passive aggressive, judging by your first sentences.

Personally attacking another poster because they didn’t share the same view. Showing a complete lack of respect for another view point and trying to mock their reading ability.

What’s happened, is you got annoyed at someone’s reply to you. You couldn’t hold back so tried to belittle their post by being pedantic.

So passive aggressive is acceptable by your standards.

Which are..... double standards!! And completely ironic in relation to this thread- but illustrate nicely that you can’t pick and chose when it’s suits you and that sometimes things are said in the heat of the moment.

I don’t think you’re abusive. I just think you were annoyed and replied in haste.

[Babesinthewud]

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Oh wow, of course, there's no such thing as a longstanding abusive relationship.

Of course there is 🤨 but we don't know if it is, again OP hasn't come back to elaborate, which makes me suspicious of the thread tbh.
I would be very frustrated if my kids walked about making mess at 20 and being cheeky and disrespectful. I would probably shout at them.
The question still stands, why has the OP stayed so long? If he is abusive to her dd then she has a responsibility to protect her.

Could have put it better myself!

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

😂 ok. Yours is top notch btw. It's not about comprehension, but reading between the lines and coming to your own conclusions,like you have done. You didn't have an answer, so nothing wrong with my comprehension skills, just making my own assumptions based on the information given.

[soundslikeclouds]

Going by your answer though I will assume you do shout,

Okay, I realise now that your reading comprehension is extremely limited. You are of course entitled to make whatever ridiculous assumptions you want. I won't be engaging with you anymore on this thread.

OP, I'd recommend you give Women's Aid a call, rather than a family therapist. Talk it through with them.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

So if I've ever done it or it's been done to me then that means it's okay? Interesting logic.

Is it ok? Actually I wouldn't say people raising their voice of shouting is abusive. People get frustrated. We are human. Going by your answer though I will assume you do shout, so therefore can't preach that no level of aggression is ok.

[soundslikeclouds]

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

There is no acceptable level of aggression

Shouting is a level of aggression. People shout while arguing all the time. Have you never raised your voice, or had anyone raise their voice to you?

So if I've ever done it or it's been done to me then that means it's okay? Interesting logic.

[Gingernaut]

Another 'dump and run' thread.

One long, very emotional, self blaming, but not very detailed post from the OP aaaaaaaand gone.

Away into the ether.

[iffymiffy]

You’ve started a thread blaming your daughter for your husbands aggression.

I feel sad for your daughter

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

There is no acceptable level of aggression

Shouting is a level of aggression. People shout while arguing all the time. Have you never raised your voice, or had anyone raise their voice to you?

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

Oh wow, of course, there's no such thing as a longstanding abusive relationship.


Of course there is 🤨 but we don't know if it is, again OP hasn't come back to elaborate, which makes me suspicious of the thread tbh.
I would be very frustrated if my kids walked about making mess at 20 and being cheeky and disrespectful. I would probably shout at them.
The question still stands, why has the OP stayed so long? If he is abusive to her dd then she has a responsibility to protect her.

[Babesinthewud]

I would not respect a man who behaved aggressively and abusively towards me and/or my mother.

@soundslikeclouds

OP never said that he behaves aggressively to her or DD in any other instance. I inferred that it was due to her lack of contempt in this situation and this situation only.

If I’m wrong and OP comes back and says he’s abusive in general then that’s a different ball game altogether.

[soundslikeclouds]

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

soundslikeclouds to be fair, you have assumed that he is an abuser and always has been. OP didn't say that. It could be lockdown stress. The OP hasn't come back to elaborate. If he is genuinely abusive, and has been for a long time, why is the OP still with him?

Oh wow, of course, there's no such thing as a longstanding abusive relationship.

OP may need help here to realise how out of order her husband's behaviour is. OP's use of the term 'overly aggressive' rings such alarm bells for me. There is no acceptable level of aggression.

[JamieLeeCurtains]

I think the OP is asking for help.

[bluebeck]

Husband is overly aggressive to the point of being verbally abusive

That's nice dear. But it's still your daughter that is the problem?