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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am really struggling

46 replies

WhoisRebecca · 11/07/2020 22:08

I sometimes feel like I’m too damaged to be in a relationship. My mum is distant, uninterested in me or her three gc. My dad is absent and has been since my birth and I grew up with domestic violence with mum and stepdad which made me nervous and shy. I was academically successful surprisingly (the only one of my siblings - I have a brother who ended up in prison) but married straight out of uni. The man I married had no education, was verbally abusive, drank and gambled. I had 3 dc with him before I eventually realised he would gamble away our home and I left. 7 years on, I met dp and I had by that point established a successful career.

Dp and I now live together but I am so sad about the mistakes I made when I was young. He has two wonderful dc who have loving, caring grandparents who lavish them with love and gifts and I can’t help grieving for what my children didn’t have. I wish I had met dp younger, I wish we had built our family together so that they would have a good father and loving grandparents. I know this is ridiculous!

I feel like I’m sabotaging a happy relationship because I’m living in the past and need therapy. Does anyone have any advice on how I can live in the present and accept life as it is now? I keep ruminating over all my mistakes.

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Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 11/07/2020 22:25

Bump

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Aknifewith16blades · 11/07/2020 22:25

You sound amazing: you have a university education, a sucessful career, 3 children, left an abusive marriage, have a loving relationship.

I also have a complicated family, and found short-term therapy with a councillor with experience of domestic violence incredibly useful.

I can also highly recommend a couple of books 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents', 'Understanding Adult Survivors of Domestic Violence in Childhood' and the Stately Homes Thread on here.

You can't wave a magic wand and make everything perfect, but you can learn to grieve what isn't working and focus on the good. Nevermind mistakes, it sounds like you've gotten an awful lot right despite some terrible challenges.

CodenameVillanelle · 11/07/2020 22:26

Have you started to have therapy? You have the answer in your own post. You need help to make sense of your experiences and start to live in the present.

CuntyMcBollocks · 11/07/2020 22:29

Don't think of your past as 'mistakes' that you made. See it as battles that you fought your way through and won. You've made it to the other side and you now have your kids and a loving partner.

You must be a strong person to have withstood your past, and it doesn't make you 'weak' to ask for help or to have therapy. Focus on the good things you DO have.

Anordinarymum · 11/07/2020 22:30

@WhoisRebecca

Rebecca - there is no blueprint for life is there? My mother was as cold as ice towards me but not my siblings and I never understood why. Just go with your instincts and don't be hard on yourself.

I think you have to love yourself a bit here and counselling will help you to do just that

..Best wishes ( I felt a bit weepy reading you and hope you get something out of counselling as I did not.

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 11/07/2020 22:32

Thank you so much for the advice. I appreciate it. I do need therapy, I have until now tried to manage this alone but I can’t do it and poor dp is so frustrated that he can’t help me. I don’t want to drive him away. It feels like a weakness that at 40 I’m still stuck in the past - but it does feel like I’m grieving. My mum is still in my life and she hurts me every time she lets me down or ignores the gc. Dps parents adore his two children and I feel heartbroken for what me and my dc never had.

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Russellbrandshair · 11/07/2020 22:32

Forgiveness. Not for the people in your past but for yourself. You have to let this go. We have all made mistakes and none of us own a time machine. What’s worse?- letting this stuff go and enjoying the rest of your life and the future you have in front of you. Or, not letting this go and having the next 10+ years of your life overshadowed with misery and regret ruining the good relationships you have now?
You have a very clear choice here and it is yours alone. You can take either path but know that both will have consequences. I think you should look on amazon for books on mindfulness and self forgiveness. Stay present. That saying is relevant here: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. Stop spending your present day in the past. It’s gone and perhaps it had to be to bring you where you are now.
You can do this and I recommend getting therapy to help you.

Verity35 · 11/07/2020 22:36

At least you were mature and sensible enough to realise it’s not working with your ex and left. Some people just stay as it’s easier and they scared of change. Well done for making a life for yourself. Definitely counselling will help! I’ve had a dysfunctional childhood too so can sympathise. Goodluck x

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 11/07/2020 22:37

@Russellbrandshair thanks - I will look for some reading material and I think forgiveness is the way forward. I am angry with myself for the mistakes I made and it makes me overlook everything wonderful that I have now. I think I feel I don’t really deserve it.

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Laurie01 · 11/07/2020 22:40

What's happened in the past has made you the person you are today, focus on the positives you have in life x

Whatisgoingdown · 11/07/2020 22:40

Hi, I also suggest having therapy. I always thought it was a bit cheesy to have therapy but it worked wonders for me, it's so liberating to talk to someone about stuff and not feel guilty that you're boring them or burdening them if you know what I mean. It helps to put things into perspective

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 11/07/2020 22:46

I’ll look for a therapist. I’m not sure what to look for - I was looking at psychodynamic counselling.

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Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 11/07/2020 23:10

@Anordinarymum I hope you can resolve your feelings too. It seems so unfair that the people with unhappy childhoods are the least likely to have happy adulthoods. But I do believe that being aware of the issues is a step to recovery and so maybe for both of us, recovery is just postponed.

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ilikemethewayiam · 12/07/2020 00:38

@WhoisRebecca

I’ll look for a therapist. I’m not sure what to look for - I was looking at psychodynamic counselling.

OP, I had a very violent/traumatic childhood. My life in my teens and early 20’s was utterly chaotic and I made some very bad decisions. I ended up in a long and abusive marriage. When i ended it in my 40’s I Knew I needed therapy of some kind. I felt as you do, too damaged to be in another relationship. I found a counselling centre in my town and started seeing a therapist once a week. my therapy was psychodynamic. It lasted for 3 years but I felt I could have gone on a lot longer. I was moving away so couldn’t continue. At that point I didn’t want to start all over again with someone new. It takes time to form a relationship of trust with a therapist. I would definitely recommend that from of therapy for your issues. She said it was like peeling back the layers of an onion to get to the core of your problems. It was a very raw and painful process. Lots of sobbing and reprocessing. I cried for the little girl who hid under her bed petrified that this was going to be the day she died!. I’ve come out of the other side with a great deal of compassion and forgiveness for myself. I’ve come to terms with the mistakes and wrong decisions I made. I can’t change it now so I have to accept what I have and look forward. I think it will be of great benefit to you. Good luck 💐

Anordinarymum · 12/07/2020 00:44

[quote WhoisRebecca]@Anordinarymum I hope you can resolve your feelings too. It seems so unfair that the people with unhappy childhoods are the least likely to have happy adulthoods. But I do believe that being aware of the issues is a step to recovery and so maybe for both of us, recovery is just postponed.[/quote]
Thanks for that. I am OK. My mum died, and I had counselling for something else not related, but all the abuse came out which shocked me as I did not see that coming.

Just know you are a special person and need to look after your mental health since that is the key to everything else :)

SJR86 · 12/07/2020 09:38

Definitely worth going for therapy. You might find you need to try a few different kinds, I tried CBT for the negative feelings/associations/worthlessness I had that stemmed from childhood and it didn't work for me. It got to the stage where my low self worth was really starting to affect my relationship and I tried hypnotherapy - I would normally be sceptical about things like that but it honestly worked for me and helped me cut the ties to old emotions that were holding me back from moving forwards with my life.

category12 · 12/07/2020 09:50

Maybe you should consider not still having your mum in your life, or significantly reducing contact?

DarkmilkAddict · 12/07/2020 10:13

I feel very similar, had a childhood along the same lines. Please turn the anger outwards where it belongs. It really helps me to fully believe that it wasn’t my fault and the same things would’ve happened to anyone in my shoes. Once I accepted that I could totally forgive myself and feel compassion for myself, which is essential for recovery.

You don’t have to express it to those people directly. Though I would strongly suggest distancing yourself as much as possible.

I wish you all the best

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 12/07/2020 10:50

My mum’s sister has cut off her mum (my grandmother) and my mum and she thinks that is the only way to properly recover. I can’t bring myself to do it yet though. We are getting married in Dec and I’m terrified that someone on my side will make a scene. My mum has had screaming rages when drunk. I can’t invite my aunty and cousins because my mum doesn’t speak to them and won’t be in the same room as them. But when it came to not inviting her I just couldn’t do it yet, it felt too monumental a decision.

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category12 · 12/07/2020 11:46

It's family like this that make destination weddings or eloping the thing to do.

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 12/07/2020 11:53

We couldn’t elope really as we have to include all the dc. But yes if it were just us that would have been the ideal way round it.

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category12 · 12/07/2020 12:09

Take the kids with you. Winter sun family holiday plus beach wedding with a couple of witnesses and the kids around you.

annabel85 · 12/07/2020 12:13

Make sure your partner knows how you feel. If he's a good guy he'll be supportive.

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 12/07/2020 12:14

We can’t take dp’s kids abroad yet. His ex is obstructive in every way and so he is going back to court early next year. She wouldn’t sign their passports or hand them over. Also the wedding is booked and paid for .

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Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 12/07/2020 12:15

He is supportive, though he is very straightforward and logical, so sometimes doesn’t quite understand, even though he tries!

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