I am really struggling

[WhoisRebecca]

I sometimes feel like I’m too damaged to be in a relationship. My mum is distant, uninterested in me or her three gc. My dad is absent and has been since my birth and I grew up with domestic violence with mum and stepdad which made me nervous and shy. I was academically successful surprisingly (the only one of my siblings - I have a brother who ended up in prison) but married straight out of uni. The man I married had no education, was verbally abusive, drank and gambled. I had 3 dc with him before I eventually realised he would gamble away our home and I left. 7 years on, I met dp and I had by that point established a successful career.

Dp and I now live together but I am so sad about the mistakes I made when I was young. He has two wonderful dc who have loving, caring grandparents who lavish them with love and gifts and I can’t help grieving for what my children didn’t have. I wish I had met dp younger, I wish we had built our family together so that they would have a good father and loving grandparents. I know this is ridiculous!

I feel like I’m sabotaging a happy relationship because I’m living in the past and need therapy. Does anyone have any advice on how I can live in the present and accept life as it is now? I keep ruminating over all my mistakes.

Is there anyone who your mum admires/enthuses about amongst your family/friends who might be amenable to be on "mum-watch" during the wedding to try to run interference/manage her behaviour?

Sorry OP I have nothing constructive to add . But I feel like you have written my mind. I am following this for tips to help myself if you don't mind . Congratulations on your upcoming wedding

Thanks for all the responses. I’ve got a 15 minute phone consultation with a therapist tomorrow. She is a consultant psychologist which sounds expensive, but could be well worth it if it brings me peace of mind.

I hope it goes well. It sometimes takes a while to find the right therapist so don't be afraid to shop around.

It's great that you have the appointment, don't be afraid to look around for a therapist if you don't gel. The right therapist shouldn't make you feel obligated to go with them. Good luck, I'm amazed at how liberating I found it.

The therapist was good but she charges 120 a session and you are expected to have one a week. It’s too much, so I’m having another telephone consultation with a counsellor who isn’t a psychologist so should be cheaper!

The therapist said it did sound like I needed some support and that sometimes having our own children can make you revisit childhood traumas. She said not to be hard on myself as I have a lot going on.

I’ve been getting a bit upset at a thread on here about second weddings being meh, which is me being silly but I feel a bit like I just didn’t get my life right the first time and so I don’t deserve to be happy now.

I feel a bit like I just didn’t get my life right the first time and so I don’t deserve to be happy now.

Would you think that if you had a friend who had had your life experiences? "Oh she grew up in an abusive household and unfortunately ended up in an abusive relationship, so she never deserves happiness"?!

Try to be a friend to yourself.

Ouch at the £120 per session. I hope you can find something more affordable.

No I would be really happy for a friend who found joy after a difficult start. I think it would make it more special. I should be a friend to myself

I agree with the other poster about your mother at the wedding . Find someone you trust to be her “minder” the minute she gets out of line they remove her immediately . Right away from the wedding . You need her not to be your problem on the day . Best of luck with the counselling.

I had a terrible upbringing and subsequently went on to choose a loser of a man to have children with. There is not a day goes by when I don't curse myself for my stupidity and the hardships that has brought to myself and my children. The more I think about it the more depressed and despondent I feel. I try to counteract this by thinking of the positives and what we DO have rather than dwelling on what we don't have.

Blaming yourself like that is crippling, heyday.

Neither you nor op had the benefit of a good 'shark cage' growing up, and that's not your fault. www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

I hope you both are able to let go of your misplaced guilt and self-blame.

I also had a bad upbringing and subsequently made some bad choices with regard to men. I have found counselling invaluable. Brilliant.

I eventually found that going NC with my mum has also made all the difference - why would you expect her to be different to your children than she was to you? And as you say it's heartbreaking seeing them being treated badly. But you have to be ready to do that. When you are it's a huge relief. Huge.

I’m confused; you have identified the problem, identified the tool to a possible solution, have the means to pay for the solution but instead are choosing to focus on things you can not change.

You can not fully appreciate what you do have if your focus is on what you don’t.

Prioritise therapy!

I have a zoom therapy session booked tomorrow so hopefully that will be a step in the right direction.

Good luck

@category12 thank you :)

I found my first session helpful, I think. She has taught me a breathing technique for those moments when my body is flooded with cortisol and I want to run away. I think that will really help if I remember to do it. We discussed how my early feelings of rejection are resurfacing in this current situation, but I’ve also become aware that I anticipate rejection in advance and become anxious - which means I find things to confirm my expectations. So it is about finding ways to calm the anxiety and rather than assuming that I will be rejected in some way, look for the positives and deal with what is important. And accept that I might not be able to change others, but I can change how I react to them.

I had a cry last night. I was thinking about all the mistakes I’ve ever made and then odd incidents from the past kept surfacing. Once when I was a little girl, my mum coming in with a red towel on her head and pretending to be the devil because I had been naughty. Watching Nightmare on Elm street at about 8 I think? My mum loves horror films. My mum and stepdad fighting when I was about 6 and me hiding the decorative sword that hung on our wall because I thought someone would use it! My stepdad leaving the house after a row and my mum getting me out of bed at three in the morning to walk the streets looking for him (we lived in quite a rough area). I am not sure why I was thinking of all this, I didn’t really talk about it in the therapy session but perhaps it got me thinking of my past. The counsellor said that I’ve had to construct my idea of what a perfect family looks like, because I don’t know.

That's a lot to deal with. Counselling will bring these memories back to you, so it's tough going. Glad the first session was helpful.

It sounds like having your children has put a spotlight on just how badly your mother failed you & you carry a lot of anger & grief at what sounds like an unhappy, abusive childhood. Being plucked from your bed to roam the streets sounds awful. She was a selfish parent & awful grandmother. Your children would do well to be rid of her & not exposed to her. You keep being hurt because it’s like touching a hot stove & being surprised each time in burns you.

You must learn to forgive yourself for perceived “mistakes” - you made decisions based on what you knew at the time, the best way you knew how. Of course with the benefit of hindsight we would all make different life choices. But we’re these “mistakes” or “learning curves” ?

You sound very hard on yourself & have grief you have not put to rest. You deserve kindness, empathy & to give yourself the break you’d give to a friend experiencing this.

Many kids don’t have grandparents, they could have died or live in another country & not have close relationships, or be estranged as many families are - people cut out toxic family members all the time.

So this perceived loss is not even something your children may face, so try not to project this onto them.

Life is not “perfect” and people who are tied up with wanting things to be “perfect” are rarely happy.

I do need to let go of anger and grief - it only prevents me from moving forward. The dc are fine with having a poor relationship with their grandmother- dp’s mum is also usually very kind to them. It is me that finds it most painful. The therapist suggested that it is me grieving for the little girl I was. Having my own dc and seeing a normal family in the form of dp’s parents has brought it to the surface.

I do need to go low contact. I can’t bring myself to go no contact. I did try once, but she bombarded me with messages and turned up at my door etc and I caved in. I also feel guilty about it as well.