Tips for getting over a cheating b*stard

[Motheroftwofeline]

Oldest story in the world, I was unwittingly the OW, he swore it was over with his wife and that they were in the process of selling the house and sorting out custody of their child. As time as has past I’ve realised I was misled and they are very much still together. I’ve honestly never had such a connection with somebody though and it’s been a year.

I’ve told him I never want to hear from him again and have blocked him on all channels. But my heart hurts. How do I get over this?? All advice needed for moving on and healing.

I'm so sorry , that is despicable what he has done to you. I don't know what yo say except it gets easier. I was unwittingly the OW once ,a very long time ago and for weeks not a year and I still remember how bad I felt. I would want to hurt him if I were you. A lot of people will say you're lucky you found out. But you are not going to feel lucky at all. You will come out if all this stronger , I can tell you that. Spend time with as many RL friends as you can.

Tips for getting over him?

Buy a voodoo doll and stick pins in all the best places?

Write letter, upon letter . Vent like crazy. Don't send of course.

Bin everything he ever gave you, burn it even ( don't really)

Tell everyone what a bastard he turned out to be, over and over and over

I'm so sorry

I just feel embarrassed. Thankfully I hadn’t introduced him to my family.

Part of me wants to contact his wife but I think the stronger feeling Is just to cut him out completely. I feel as much hatred for her as him. I know that’s strange.

I’m sure the lockdown has exposed a few liars.

Thank you @LessCumbersome

It's not your embarrassment , what did you do but believe what someone you cared about told you? If he's such a good liar though, what a horrid person he would be to spend your life with.

I can understand the feeling towards his wife, although totally undeserved she is your "barrier" to being with the man you thought you were going to have a future with. That feeling you have for her, is caused by him. He set you up against each other, as rivals. And you didn't even know. He is a complete swine.

He was / is an exceptional liar.

I am grieving for the future I thought we’d have but you are right, do I want to spend my life with someone who can act so deceitfully with such ease.

I’m not going to contact his wife as as enraging I find her and his child at the moment it is not their fault. I want to make a clear break and not waste another day.

I’m not incredibly close to many people and had invested so much into him this past year. I feel I am missing my best friend. I need to find something to throw myself in to. Either that or I just want to sleep.

You will miss him a lot no doubt, but no contact will make it easier. Stick to that like glue. Don't check his social media. I can't believe people have the capacity to be this duplicitous ... I know they lie to themselves, justify, rationalise. But his own feelings have to be his only priority really. And he has a child as well... You really do deserve so much better.

Don't bring yourself bad mojo by taking any sort of revenge.

Invest your precious time and energy in YOU. See your friends, give yourself a new look, start a new hobby etc. Fill your life with positivity.

The wife deserves your pity, not your anger. Realistically would you want to be married to such a man??

I think not.

Get under one who isn’t a cheating bastard.

The only words I have is time is a healer. I'm a few weeks in now and got a text today saying 'love you' and that's honestly when I realised I'm over him. I'm now sat in bed singing to wizard of Oz and couldn't be happier after weeks of crying. I hope you feel better soon, you deserve better.

Thanks all. I feel very low this morning and keep expecting to see a text from him but I’ve blocked him. I think I’ll do some yoga and get out for a walk, things that don’t require my phone as I associate that with him, especially after lockdown. It was that that (along with a social media stalk of his family, which strangely he’d kept me away from 🙄) exposed his lies

It hurts. You loved him. But love yourself more. You deserve better than a lying cheat x

I would tell his wife, she deserves to know

@Motheroftwofeline

So he never told you, you found out. God he really is a bastard. I would get angry just now, use that as fuel. He stole your time, took advantage of your trust and your feelings for him. Men who cheat on their wife's with other woman that know about the situation are scum. Your guy is a whole level underneath them. He kept up the deceit from two woman. He was living two life's. And when would he have told you? I bet he would have waited until you wanted to move in with him or get married and told you then. He never considered how much hurt he would cause to you. Selfish is too good a word for him.

Hi OP, I completely feel you as I know someone who's done similar things to women. He told different lies to me, but he did lie to others and say he was leaving her.

I am going to tell his wife as I feel she has a right to know what's going on in her own life.

It's probable your 'ex' will cheat again, this is not something that's over for her and will never happen in their marriage again.

Personally, well with the bloke I was seeing he painted it as mainly sexual- they had a sexless marriage (lie) and it was a marriage of convenience.

So I didn't have that 'future faking' you may have had.

How I dealt with it was to get angry. Keep reminding yourself how awful he is and that you can't trust anything he said/did, it was bollox a lot of the time, so you're not missing anything.

It's 5 months on now and I'm ready to try and look at it logically- am getting some counselling to try and resolve things in my head (I just need someone to tell me definitively some of the lies were lies- there were a lot of different lies about reality.)

Men who cheat on their wife's with other woman that know about the situation are scum. Your guy is a whole level underneath them. He kept up the deceit from two woman. He was living two life's.

@LessCumbersome Maybe he did tell OP he was still in the marital home but that they were in the process of splitting up. This is the sort of thing these guys do. They can use so many gambits.

@SoulofanAggron

He did tell the OP that, I'm confused by your comment. I meant that men who have affairs but tell the OW that they are married are scum. He is even worse than that. He made out he was single, separated from his wife. Future faking at its worst.

@SoulofanAggron

I was saying the man was scum, not the other woman. I don't generally adhere to the opinion that the OW is responsible for another's couples marriage. Always the cheating spouse in my opinion.

Yes I knew he was still living in the martial home but in separate bedrooms and he was looking for a home to rent to he could still see his child. Numerous times he’d sent me ‘evidence’ he was sleeping in a different bed but during lockdown and in trying to make plans for the future, as well as a multitude of happy family photos located (they had even been on holiday earlier in the year which he’d lied about and said he was with a mate). Strangely enough I never did find their home on Rightmove either. We spent numerous nights together with him staying at mine and the occasional hotel but I never pushed as I was very respectful of the situation with his daughter. I just feel like a mug.

I need to try and get the love for myself back. I’ve gained weight and lose confidence over the past few months as the situation has become apparent. It’s time to get me back and slowly rebuild.

The separate bedrooms and sexless marriage thing I was told were also lies.

I need to try and get the love for myself back.

Be proud of yourself- you ditched him. xxx

You find his wife and their child enraging?
You say you were the unwitting OW but at some point you knew he was married and you still hung around expecting him to leave his wife and child for you.
Sorry no sympathy here.

I find them enraging because I am in pain. My heart is broken. I also said right after that comment that it isn’t their fault. But neither is it mine. I didn’t ‘hang around waiting for him to leave’. When we met his marriage was already over and his child had been told he was finding a new home. That’s what I was told anyway and we had such an intense connection I had no reason to believe it was anything other than practicalities to be handled sensitively. Thanks for making me feel more stupid.

@Motheroftwofeline

Unfortunately , some people lack both empathy and the ability to read clearly. Just ignore that comment. Some people like to stick the boot in when you're low.

@Motheroftwofeline

I can empathise with you 100% here. I had a similar situation happen to me. I ended up having to get counselling after it.

It ended in April 2019 and he tried again in September 2019 to convince me he was moving into a flat.

Even after all this time of zero contact with him he still felt possessed to wish me a happy birthday x last week. After all that time I should have felt nothing when it flashed up. But the truth is I’ve felt sick because of it for the last few days.

Not sure how this site works but if you want a hand hold you can always PM me.

Take care of yourself xxx

I would tell his wife, she deserves to know

Not for revenge.

Not to try to split them up.

But because she had a right to know.

He could have done it before a d may well do it again.

He's risking her health a d those of any further kids, he's making her live a lie. He's making her play by rules while he doesn't.

Do you have evidence of what he told you and your involvement?

Put it all together a d send it to her in the way most guaranteed to get to her (a d not him,).