Do I stop him seeing his son?

[hidingfrommyself1]

Name changed for this as I have friends on here and no one knows what's really going on.

I'm married with a son I tried for a very long time for and he was conceived after many rounds of ivf. My husband had 2 kids before me and is older than me by almost 10 years. When I met him he said he'd have 1 more as he didn't want to deprive me of being a mother but he would only ever have one. I accepted this and was genuinely ok with it, I never thought I'd have any children so I was grateful to have my boy.

My husband asked if I would be sterilised and I said no. I only have one child and whilst I accept that's all I have I wasn't mentally ready to completely shut that door, I said he has 3 children now and definitely doesn't want anymore so he should get the snip instead. He agreed but, despite my nagging never called the doctor.

Well the unexpected happened and I got pregnant again. I'm due very soon and my husband has been vile.. he's made clear he doesn't want this child and I made it clear I wouldn't be getting rid. I thought maybe he'd come round to the idea but he's dead set on having nothing to do with this baby. Our marriage is over. There is no going back on what's he's done/said to me the last few months.

I can deal with all of the above, I don't need him nor want him anymore. I'll leave with my babies as soon as I can and I'll be fine I have an amazing family and tonnes of support so I'll never struggle. But what it's breaking me and what I absolutely cannot deal with is the idea that he wants to continue to see my eldest son but is refusing to even acknowledge the baby.. so I've said, in anger, that he is either a father to my children or is he not. He will not pick and chose they are his children and he sees them both, or neither at all.

I cannot stand the idea of when both children are older than he comes for one and ignores the other. What do I tell the youngest when that time comes, do I lie and say he doesn't have a daddy? Or do I genuinely stop him seeing both children if he won't acknowledge one?

I haven't told any of my family or friends any of this yet. Because I'm just so ashamed, lockdown has made it very easy to hide away from everyone. I feel so much guilt for bringing a poor child into this but after every thing I've been through I could never of considered abortion (not that I disagree with it at all, it's right for some people).

No matter what I do It'll end in hurt somehow.. it feels like I genuinely cannot win or even find a happy medium.

@StamfordHill

The children aren't yours any more than his. What right do you have to deny a father spending time with his kids?

Oh my god, read the bloody thread will you? If you think it's ok to send one child off to visit his doting dad while the other sits at home, knowing that dad doesn't want him or her then you don't have an empathetic bone in your body. Parents who behave cruelly to their children lose the right to contact, the mental and physical wellbeing of the children is paramount not parental "rights".

Way to go op, for the fact that you are leaving him!

Give it time. He might grow to have a connection with his soon to be, latest kid.

But never cut him out of the oldest one's life. He might resent you for it later when he realised that you stopped him from having his dad in his life.

If your stbxh continues on ignoring the existence of your youngest over the years make sure to always be honest about it to him/her AND to your oldest
So you have leverage.
And your kids grow up with the truth that can not be bend by him over time.

Parents are denied rights to see their children every day, because they would be bad for the children. There’s no question being the wanted loved child and knowing your sibling isn’t would be very damaging. You can never be certain of court outcome but I’d let him take me to court. I wouldn’t cut contact yet though, I’d moderate it and warn him no alienation. Even if he decided he wanted the baby I’d only ever want him in my life as their father, no engagement except on the children. There’d be no going back from his attitude. And entitlement and hypocrisy- he’s responsible for this baby, he made fully informed choices but thinks he can lay off the consequences.

@StamfordHill

The children aren't yours any more than his. What right do you have to deny a father spending time with his kids?

He does want to spend time with his KIDS. Thats the whole point of the thread!

@StamfordHill so how can he chose to exercise his rights over one child and completely wave them for the other?? If he wants rights to his children he has 2!!

@DirectTalker I appreciate your perspective, however I think in your case. With all respect.. it seems like you were young and stupid.. I don't think my husband can get away with that excuse in his 40s on his 4th child.

It's such a hard situation but I don't think it's fair to deprive your oldest of a relationship with his father. How will he feel when he's older and finds out that you blocked that relationship (for goodish reasons but still) I would maybe write him a letter explaining how you and the boys will feel. See if you can find a way through this together. Does he have parents you could talk to? He might listen to them?

While it's completely wrong from his perspective he has a relationship with your older son. Knows him/his personality spends time with him. Baby doesn't have that connection. It's easy for him to distance himself. This will be harder once baby is born and he might change his mind.

I’d just detach emotionally from this situation and let the courts sort it out.

It sounds like he is being over emotional and immature. And he is punishing you by saying he won’t treat the baby as his son.

Maybe with time he’ll come around and accept both of them.

At least the dc are still very young (and not even born yet) so aren’t aware of his behaviour.

@StamfordHill is spot on in the legal sense. Parents don't have rights on access, the children do.

The law is the law, and unless he's a paedophile or charged for a serious harmful criminal offense, it is unlikely he would get no access of some sort. Indeed, whilst you have the right to make a decision to withhold access, you are exposed to this accusation:

Per NSPCC: not recognising a child's own individuality or trying to control their lives

There are a few cases ("J" is an example) where mothers have gone in with abuse allegations, and been proven as perpetrators of emotionally abusing their own children by withholding access. I would seek legal advice before you deny the father access.

I'd leave him and go and stay with family. I would not let him see either of the children he is an absolute prick. X