How do I move past failed "engagement"

[Justanotherdobby]

Last year I broke up with my partner of 8 years. At the time we had made plans to get married, the venue, dj, flowers, cake etc were all booked and deposits paid for. My ex was a lovely guy but also quite emotionally & financially abusive & there was no intimacy for several years. He never actually bothered to formally propose & made it clear he didn't really give a crap about the wedding and was just doing it to get me to shut up, which I found quite alienating & hurtful. I didnt get to experience the excitement of planning the wedding because he refused to discuss it with me, or would so begrudgingly & eventually I realised I deserved better. I grew up in a quite dysfunctional home & it's always been my dream to find the right person & make that commitment to them. He knew that but just could not be bothered to even pretend to care. He also didn't pay his share of the deposits so I lost several grand & he didn't help me with cancelling everything, so I had to contact the vendors & tell friends & family. To this day, he's never even asked about whether I've cancelled everything or got my money back. It's clear to me I made the right decision however, its been almost a year & I seem to be stuck in the same emotional state. I'm still grieving the end of relationship and the loss of security I had but I also appear to have developed a very strong aversion to anything wedding related. I can't bear to see or hear anything about weddings (whether it's in real life or on the tv)or I burst into tears or feel really panicked/sick.

A close friend of mine recently got engaged & I really tried to share her happiness but I struggled with how open she was being with me about her plans & how excited she was. Eventually I had to distance myself from her. I know I have to get a grip as I'm at the age where all my friends are either getting married or having babies and I know I can't just replace all my friends.

Has anyone been in a similar situation who could offer some advice? I'm loathe to post this on here but I've been googling this for ages and can't find anyone with whatever this is... wedding phobia?!

Weddings are bound to be a sensitive subject for you but it sounds like you made the right decision. I think most people have subjects that are a sore point for them, for one reason or another. I know I do. There are some threads i instantly hide on mumsnet as i know they will wind me up!
I'd just mention weddings are a sensitive subject, not in an accusatory way when they are talking about weddings, but just mention it to them. They should understand

@Justanotherdobby, I'm no expert, but I think the best you can do if she's a close friend is to explain to her, maybe via an e-mail, that you are delighted for her, but are still a bit raw from breaking up with your ex-fiance.

If she's a real friend she'll understand.

It takes ages to get over a breakup. You are probably feeling all sorts of things, like you've lost a future you'd once hoped for.

I do feel rather sorry for your friend who wanted to share with you her happy news. Especially if she's a close friend.

If it's at the point you have to distance yourself from others you need counselling.
You'll end up losing friends and being bitter for no reason.

You need to realise it was a good thing you didn't go through with it!

@Snowfallst

I do feel rather sorry for your friend who wanted to share with you her happy news. Especially if she's a close friend.

If it's at the point you have to distance yourself from others you need counselling.
You'll end up losing friends and being bitter for no reason.

You need to realise it was a good thing you didn't go through with it!

...She repeatedly bombarded me with wedding plans & details, knowing what I had gone through less than 6 months prior & never once acknowledged how that might be making me feel. I like to try and take different perspectives on board but I must admit I'm struggling to understand seeing her as the injured party.

I do see it as a good thing that I didn't go through with it; that doesn't stop the hurt.

Hi!

Twice engaged here. Always the bridesmaid etc etc...

Totally can relate about this being a sore point for you. However, could you flip your perspective and see your friend’s upcoming wedding as a chance to model how you would like to be/feel when you meet someone who isn’t the wrong person for you?

Ditto, think of what you would have lost in terms of divorce and turmoil had you gone through with a marriage to someone EA. Hint: it would have been more than a few grand. However, I do understand your bitterness about the plans/lost money. But could you channel some of this rawness on doing something just for you? Or even giving your friend the heads up that her plans sound fantastic but this is tough for you- similar to what a pp has suggested. Maybe you could find a community of people who have also gone through cancelled weddings and band together so you’ve got people in your social circles who you can let off steam to whilst maintaining those friendships you already have.

Also, give yourself to grieve. All those things you don’t want to feel? Feel them and be free.

Wishing you well. X

Your ex was a lovely guy??? No he wasn't. You had a lucky escape. Don't take that out on your friend.

Hmmm, I hadn't really thought of it in that way i.e. taking it out on her. I considered saying something about how insensitive she was being but I didn't want to spoil her excitement or make things awkward, so I thought it best to just bow out.
When she went through a divorce a few years back I was really careful to be sensitive to her feelings when I started a new relationship but she's never once acknowledged mine during this, so I have been left feeling quite hurt.

Maybe she thinks you had a lucky escape too and doesn't think you'd still be upset a year later after escaping a shitty man? To be honest i wouldn't be thinking 'mustn't talk too much about my wedding plans' with a friend in your situation. If he was a nice guy and this happened 2 months ago maybe.

Give yourself time and space to find it hard. I split with my fiancée after 11 years in a very dramatic and emotional breakup about 9 months before our wedding date. A friend of mine got engaged only a week or so afterwards and I found that extremely difficult

I would try not to distance yourself entirely from your friend as you don't want to lose he friendship but equally if you aren't in a good place then take some time for yourself. You will move past it and be a happier person. It sounds you think your relationship wasn't the happiest in retrospect so take it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself.

Breakups can be very hard when you were planning for the next stage in your relationship but if it wasn't right then try to focus on that

@anonnnnni

Hi!

Twice engaged here. Always the bridesmaid etc etc...

Totally can relate about this being a sore point for you. However, could you flip your perspective and see your friend’s upcoming wedding as a chance to model how you would like to be/feel when you meet someone who isn’t the wrong person for you?

Ditto, think of what you would have lost in terms of divorce and turmoil had you gone through with a marriage to someone EA. Hint: it would have been more than a few grand. However, I do understand your bitterness about the plans/lost money. But could you channel some of this rawness on doing something just for you? Or even giving your friend the heads up that her plans sound fantastic but this is tough for you- similar to what a pp has suggested. Maybe you could find a community of people who have also gone through cancelled weddings and band together so you’ve got people in your social circles who you can let off steam to whilst maintaining those friendships you already have.

Also, give yourself to grieve. All those things you don’t want to feel? Feel them and be free.

Wishing you well. X

I'm sorry to hear you've had similarly bad luck (or good luck if you flip your perspective!) I don't think I'm upset about the loss of a future with my ex, I absolutely know it was the right thing to do. The issue I'm dealing with is still feeling very raw about the whole experience of planning a wedding with someone who couldn't care less & having to deal with the humiliation of telling everyone. I seem to be stuck in that place still, I'm feeling all the feelings I promise you but it's like I'm stuck in a loop, the feelings aren't going anywhere. I don't think I'm explaining it very well but it's like groundhog day grieving. I've tried meditating, excercise, talking with friends, going to the doctor etc. Its frustrating because I want to be over this, I hate feeling this way.

I'm not sure if you've read my posts - I had been broken up for approx 5 months when she got engaged.

Have you tried counselling? Perhaps something like CBT would help

@Justanotherdobby

Firstly - hugely well done to you for recognising that you deserved so much better than what your fiancé was offering you and for having the guts to walk away after your wedding was booked. I'm sorry you lost those deposits as that money would no doubt have come in useful. You know you would have lost so much more by marrying him so that's why you walked away.

You were in an abusive relationship for several years - you say your X was emotionally and financially abusive and there was no intimacy for several years. It's deeply traumatic to undergo something like that and could well take more than 5 months to get over and you're clearly having a traumatised reaction.

At some level, you may be feeling a kind of existential terror at the thought that you nearly bound yourself to this guy in marriage. You could still have left but it would have been much harder to do so. So at some really deep, subconscious level, weddings may have come to represent something more sinister and terrifying rather than the joyous, celebratory event they are supposed to be. Perhaps like saying 'I do' would be akin to being handed a long prison sentence. Because in your case it would have been somewhat like that and you may subconsciously be making some such connection.

I also wonder whether weddings are an easy focus for all your feelings associated with the trauma of having been in an abusive relationship. As if weddings have come to represent all the pain, unhappiness and despair you must have felt being in an abusive relationship and trying to get married to someone who just didn't care about it or you. I'm sure you can get beyond this and it may just be time (5 months is not very long) but you may be able to speed it up through counselling or throwing yourself into activities which you enjoy.

It seems a real shame to distance yourself from your friend. As PP have said, if she's a good friend, she should understand that you wish her all the very best and you're very happy for her but you're still processing what happened to you and weddings are just a bit of a difficult subject for you at the moment.

Some people are just clueless. If she is genuinely a close friend then I think it's fine to say that you are very supportive of her wedding plans but find the subject painful. If she doesn't respect that she isn't really much of a friend.

I don't think your friend did anything wrong - 5/6 months later, she's going to expect you to have come to terms with it and be able to happy for her.

It sounds like you really could do with some counselling as you're finding trigger points in normal life - you may have some form of PTSD from the emotional abuse you suffered which has bound itself up with wedding stuff.

I too think you are focusing on the wedding rather than recognising it was planing the wedding that made you realise that for 8 years you've been suffering emotional and financial abuse.

That's a long time, longer than many marriages.

8 years of having your emotional needs stamped on, ignored, ridiculed

How old are you op?
I had similar but different and I can understand how you feel, my ex said he wanted to propose to me but couldn't cuz I'd fallen out with his mum ( because I wouldn't take my 9 week old baby around her snappy dog who can't be trusted ) then spent the next two years telling me he wanted to get married yet never asked ! Some men are pathetic !! Xx

It's not an abnormal phobia as such. It's like if a woman has a miscarriage and finds baby-related stuff painful to see etc, or anything else we might endure which is a disappointment/tragedy and it hurts to see something related. Like someone has just lost their mum and finds all the mother's day cards on shops/anything mother's day related painful.

I had to cancel a wedding once, so I understand that part. I've also experienced a similar pain around seeing anything that made me think of something that didn't work out.

You could seek counselling if you feel you need to, but it's a natural part of the grieving process.

Maybe you could explain to your friend, she was a bit tactless but maybe she didn't realize. xxx

"5/6 months later, she's going to expect you to have come to terms with it and be able to happy for her."

To be basically over an 8 year relationship and much longed for wedding going down the drain in 6 months seems like an awfully quick turnaround. Clearly I am not as emotionally resilient as you.

I'm 34.

[quote Dery]@Justanotherdobby

Firstly - hugely well done to you for recognising that you deserved so much better than what your fiancé was offering you and for having the guts to walk away after your wedding was booked. I'm sorry you lost those deposits as that money would no doubt have come in useful. You know you would have lost so much more by marrying him so that's why you walked away.

You were in an abusive relationship for several years - you say your X was emotionally and financially abusive and there was no intimacy for several years. It's deeply traumatic to undergo something like that and could well take more than 5 months to get over and you're clearly having a traumatised reaction.

At some level, you may be feeling a kind of existential terror at the thought that you nearly bound yourself to this guy in marriage. You could still have left but it would have been much harder to do so. So at some really deep, subconscious level, weddings may have come to represent something more sinister and terrifying rather than the joyous, celebratory event they are supposed to be. Perhaps like saying 'I do' would be akin to being handed a long prison sentence. Because in your case it would have been somewhat like that and you may subconsciously be making some such connection.

I also wonder whether weddings are an easy focus for all your feelings associated with the trauma of having been in an abusive relationship. As if weddings have come to represent all the pain, unhappiness and despair you must have felt being in an abusive relationship and trying to get married to someone who just didn't care about it or you. I'm sure you can get beyond this and it may just be time (5 months is not very long) but you may be able to speed it up through counselling or throwing yourself into activities which you enjoy.

It seems a real shame to distance yourself from your friend. As PP have said, if she's a good friend, she should understand that you wish her all the very best and you're very happy for her but you're still processing what happened to you and weddings are just a bit of a difficult subject for you at the moment.[/quote]
Thank you for this. A lot of what you've said things true. I definitely think I need counselling/ therapy of some kind, I actually went to the doctor just before lockdown and was referred for an assessment but they just referred me to a local women's singing/sewing group. I generally find doctors don't really take me seriously so I will try again and be more assertive that I need help.

I think you are still bound to feel sore even a year after ,and have said it was only 5 months when she announced her plans ,that you had broken up! She is obviously excited about her wedding plans, and maybe isnt thinking rather than being unkind .Maybe tell her that you are happy for her but still find wedding stuff hard to deal with?After all you and this guy were together for 8 years, not 6 months FFS! Surely if she is a good friend she will understand .You have all your life ahead of you to find someone new hopefully.

Your friend might be going ott trying to make you feel involved with what to her is the most awesome thing to happen ever, or to show that she's not trying to treat you differently because of what happened... it's the sort of getting it wrong that i might be prone to do.. a quick word explaining you're finding it hard hearing about it all should make her realise...?

I think you need to look at why you wanted to marry your ex when the relationship fell so far short of ideal. No intimacy for years? Financially and emotionally abusive? You should have been dumping him, not planning a wedding.

Perhaps do the Freedom Programme so you can raise your boundaries for your next relationship.

In the meantime, try to be happy for your friends but maybe remind them not to shove their wedding down your throat?

I think you need to look at why you wanted to marry your ex when the relationship fell so far short of ideal. No intimacy for years? Financially and emotionally abusive? You should have been dumping him, not planning a wedding.

Perhaps do the Freedom Programme so you can raise your boundaries for your next relationship.

In the meantime, try to be happy for your friends but maybe remind them not to shove their wedding down your throat?