How do I move past failed "engagement"

[Justanotherdobby]

Last year I broke up with my partner of 8 years. At the time we had made plans to get married, the venue, dj, flowers, cake etc were all booked and deposits paid for. My ex was a lovely guy but also quite emotionally & financially abusive & there was no intimacy for several years. He never actually bothered to formally propose & made it clear he didn't really give a crap about the wedding and was just doing it to get me to shut up, which I found quite alienating & hurtful. I didnt get to experience the excitement of planning the wedding because he refused to discuss it with me, or would so begrudgingly & eventually I realised I deserved better. I grew up in a quite dysfunctional home & it's always been my dream to find the right person & make that commitment to them. He knew that but just could not be bothered to even pretend to care. He also didn't pay his share of the deposits so I lost several grand & he didn't help me with cancelling everything, so I had to contact the vendors & tell friends & family. To this day, he's never even asked about whether I've cancelled everything or got my money back. It's clear to me I made the right decision however, its been almost a year & I seem to be stuck in the same emotional state. I'm still grieving the end of relationship and the loss of security I had but I also appear to have developed a very strong aversion to anything wedding related. I can't bear to see or hear anything about weddings (whether it's in real life or on the tv)or I burst into tears or feel really panicked/sick.

A close friend of mine recently got engaged & I really tried to share her happiness but I struggled with how open she was being with me about her plans & how excited she was. Eventually I had to distance myself from her. I know I have to get a grip as I'm at the age where all my friends are either getting married or having babies and I know I can't just replace all my friends.

Has anyone been in a similar situation who could offer some advice? I'm loathe to post this on here but I've been googling this for ages and can't find anyone with whatever this is... wedding phobia?!

You were with the guy for 8 years and it ended in a really traumatic way. Tbh I think it's entirely normal and expected for it to take more than a year to work through the pain.

I haven't been through what you have (never been engaged) but I have a friend who cancelled her wedding because she found out her fiance had been cheating (she's still with him) and if I were to get engaged, there's no way I'd witter on about it to her - it's clearly going to be something that upsets her.

In short, I think your reaction is totally normal and your friend needs to be more sensitive.

I'd also suggest trying counselling and finding some stuff to do that's "just for you" - be that travelling or following some sort of ambition - not because there's anything weird or wrong in the way you are feeling, but just for your benefit.

I think the fact that you were the one who ended it, and that it was an abusive relationship, probably means she thinks you are counting your lucky stars not to be marrying him.

She might have been more sensitive if he had been the one to end it out of no where.

She is your friend. Tell her.

@Justanotherdobby - you're very welcome. Above all, be gentle with yourself. You've been through an extremely intense and difficult time -several years of emotional and financial abuse from the person who was supposed to love you dearly, followed by the incredibly challenging decision to walk away from a wedding. That's a great deal to process, and it's going to take a darn sight more than a bit of sewing or singing to do it!!! You've shown great strength and courage in walking away from the wedding and XF. I'm sure you will get to a good place. But it's going to take time and counselling may well speed the healing process.

(I'm a big fan of counselling and have had it myself on various occasions to deal with various issues).