help my relationship is rubbish..

[pandagirl03]

My relationship is rubbish, i keep trying to talk to dp and he says he will change etc but this last's 2 days if that. Basically dp goes to work then comes home sits infront of the tv or sits on the comp eats his tea then straight back on the comp until he comes to bed. In this time he will say about 2 words to me at most and this is only if i speak to him. I just feel so lonely and unwanted. I have tried again to speak to him and he just said to me i dont want to discuss it anymore either because im sick of it too. What do i do now. I feel at a loss. Sorry for ramble and not even sure if this makes sense.

hi luv read my message on ok ive lft him but feelin guilty in relationship topic.same sort of situation i have left today.

thanks for replying feeling really rubbish, dp has never hit me, but in temper has thrown things. He only ever does washing up if he does anything and doesn't do much with dp. just dont know what to do

well rationally you have

choice a

hope things will get better with no intervention

(b)

councelling - talk i through go to relate and try to salvage /change things

(c)

leave

if you decide (c) you really need to think about your housing and financial situation.

there is a lot to think about and i think if you come to that decision you should come back and ask for specific advice - you shouldn't just walk out. you should plan money, housing, benefits - dont leave yourself in an immediate pickle which would necessitate you goig back. pre plan.

ps. just becuase he hasn't hit you is n't a reason to stay.

It doesn't get better Pandagirl, not when it's like this. Ask him to go to Relate with you - if he won't, I would say that's about as much as you can do to make it work. A relationship cannot be one sided. I know you feel you could make him react if you only pressed the right buttons, but you can't, he has to WANT to react. Unless he wants to, I am afraid it's not a relationship.

yes, see, that's what I was trying to say, Custardo, thank you.

thank you for the advice, i will ask about relate but i dont think he will go tbh. I think deep down there is no saving this but i cant walk away without a fight, and it breaks my heart to think dd wont see her daddy everyday. I know he doesn't pay her enough attention but she is daddy mad and it would break my heart if she got upset over things i have done.

I had exactly this situation, and I find ex dp pays FAR more attention to the boys now than he ever did while sitting at the computer with his back to them, answering my son's questions and sweet remarks with "Mmm." and not even bothering to look round. Ring any bells???

Now he takes him swimming once a week, and comes to SEE him and PLAY with them every day, and takes them out for a whole day whern he gets a weekend off. He's an ideal dad when he's not living with them. He was rubbish and boring before.

My point being, is it better for her to be ignored all the time, or to have a good time when he is there?

oh my god, inmyhumbleopinion your post has just had me with tears rolling down my face, that rings far too many bells. Trouble is dp already has 2 children and i dont think he would do as much with them if it wasn't for me pushing him, even when they are here sdd and dp are sat on the comp.

hi new to this site.from birmingham but moving to cornwall to be nearer my family without my boyfriend.ive left him before cuz the weed makin him abusive disrespectful lazy etc then moved bk like an idiot.then got pregnant and he has got worse.i am 26 my little boy is 1.x hasnt worked for about a yr and half.not got up to give son bfast only once,in bed till afternoon,having paranoid and psycotic episodes,temper is terrible constantly walkin on eggshells,throwing things.hit me few times whilst holdin baby.just cant take no more even though i still love him.we were in homeless accomodation for short time but he had 15000 saved in bank due to dealing.didnt use that to get us a home,saving for suburu.how selfish is that.he has really nasty tongue puts me down all the time

But is it better to be ignored because someone isn't there, or ignored because someone is actively choosing to ignore your bids for their attention?

I prefer the former. very much so.

I am sorry this is such a blow to you, you are on the crux of a decision, but it is YOUR decision, and whichever you choose will bve right for YOU.

we have been together 6 years aug gone

Rowey you seriously need to leave him before he injures your baby.

thank you so much for what you are saying, i think what is stopping me leaving really is dd and guilt. first of all i am a stay at home mum and we live in a 3bed house i rent from a friend, and i truly dont want dd to lose her house aswell as her dad, i also feel guilt over dd wouldn't see her dad everyday and also dp has no relatives around here the only relative he has is a brother who lives miles away from us.

well if your dp gave a shit - he would go to councelling.

its not your fault. so quit thinking like that.

rent from a friend? how does that work - and whould you lose your home?

Hi, yeah, my relationship is crap too! How do I post a new thread? Please tell me, sorry to interrupt!

click the topic lined in blue at the heading of this thread.

1 - the house.

You can apply for benefits, and you should be entitled to housing benefit.

2 - your dp's situation.

is of his own making. He can rent a room, get a flat, sleep rough. His problem, and until you detatch from his behavioral problems you will feel miserable and guilty for not being able to MAKE him be an adult. You can't. You have to accept that.

3 - Your daughter

Children adapt, they adapt quickly, and it would be better to do something about the situation now, while it is still relatively neutral, than later, when you feel like ripping the ignorant selfish bastard's thoat out with your teeth. Because she will feel the atmosphere. if you can sort it now, you can just put it to here simply, tell her the facts.

all that said, do try relate. It didn't save us, but it nearly did.

my friend buys houses and rents them out, we were looking for a house and he offered to rent us one. I think i would lose the house tbh because i dont work so would need help paying rent and altho our rent is cheaper in this 3 bed house than to rent a 2 bed house, i dont think they would help me pay for a 3 beed house, which is very sad.

can your friend not rent you a two bed house?

dd should adapt she is only 2. I do feel like shaking him now and shouting what the hell is wrong with you wake up.

They will pandagirl, if that's the house you are already living in.

Oh sweetheart, you sound just like me two years ago. So defeated. the help is there, just take it! You are allowed, it's not special help, for other people only, and not you!

he may be able too, but at the moment he hasn't got any. I really dont want to move tho because i have just decorated this house and feel bad moving dd from our home aswell as losing her dad.

You are a SAHM yes? Go to your local council tomorrow and tell them your situation. Ask them if they will help you with housing benefit. If not, start looking for 2 bed houses and move out on your own.

I know that my local council will pay HB for a certain value of rent, and you have to find the rest yourself. If you have one child, or 2 that can share, they will pay the value of an average 2 bed house or flat. If you have three bedrooms, and rent is dearer, you have to find the difference3, but I know people who do this without too much trouble.

She will only lose her dad if he decides he doesn't want to be a father any more.

that is his decision, his behavior, and you cannot control it. You are not responsible for the choices he makes or the things he does. He is an adult, just like you.