Could this be some sort of odd lovebombing?

[lollylaughs]

I wasn't sure whether to post this in Relationships, as I am not in one, but think it is the best place to get some opinions on this.

Brief backstory: I got divorced from 19 year marriage. 3 years after separating and not that long after divorce official, I started a relationship with a friend, whom I met up with again quite by chance. We were in a relationship just over a year. I broke it off as there were too many red flags and I felt completely smothered by him. I would describe him as a lovebomber in the relationship. Bought me expensive gifts for no reason, only went to the best places, basically he loved to flaunt money. I asked him to stop buying me stuff as I am probably the least materialistic person around, but he would insist we only shop at the best supermarket etc etc. He says he has good taste is his reasoning for this.

As we have been friends for a number of years, we have kept in touch, but only as in a general messaging a few times a week, will send a meme etc. He has made it obvious that should I change my mind then he would be happy to start the relationship up again, but I won't (I was in and EA marriage so these red flags became like flashing beacons towards the end)

So, my daughter had a milestone birthday recently. She has also been quite ill this year and has been hospitalized on numerous occasion, so things have been tough. He asked if she needed anything sending for her birthday to which I said no, she isn't in need of anything and that I was just trying to make it as special as possible as it's during lockdown, so getting her friends to send video clips and to make it as personal as possible. He said he was going to send her something anyway, and wanted to because its a special birthday and she has been through a tough time. I said ok if you want to that's fine, but it is not expected and not necessary.

The birthday passed and his package was delayed due to Covid.(he lives a few hours away) I couldn't really afford a massively expensive present so I bought her a lovely gift, but it was a thoughtful more than expensive. She loved it, and her day was really nice.

The gift arrived a week afterwards (not his fault as was sent a few days in advance of birthday) and when she opened it, I nearly fell flat on my back. It is a very expensive piece of jewellery. As in so expensive that I will need to insure it.

When he bought it he kept suggesting he send me pictures of it, asking did I want to see it in advance etc etc. Really pushy in fact, to which I just said no I don't want to know what it is and that I will see when dd opens it.

So when we realized the value of the gift (which is way more than all the gifts she received from me and her dad), she said she didn't feel she could accept it. Then she changed her mind and said that in fact she does want to keep it, as if things get difficult ever, it is something that she can sell. We only know the value of it as she Googled where it was from and found the item online.

I just messaged him to say thank you and she sent a voice note to say thank you as well, and I have now said no more to him since then.

What would you make of this? I think its completely inappropriate for various reasons.
We are no longer dating.

He knows I could never afford to buy my dd something like this, so I am wondering if he is trying to 'outgift' me if that word makes sense.
Is this a ploy to try to get me back?
Or is this some sort of message to say 'look what life you could have had"

I spoke to a relative about it, they just said Oh that is lovely, he is such a nice chap.

Sounds like he's completely obsessive. Very bizarre behaviour.

Your relative is dead wrong; there is nothing nice about him or this at all. This man you were seeing is truly a master manipulator who has now used your daughter. He used you to further erode any boundary you had together with riding roughshod over your objections and now by his design this has now happened. Re this piece have you had an actual jeweller assess it to get an insurance valuation?. I would not go by its online price at all.

He is not and has never actually been a decent sort of friend to you.
You now need to block this man from your life altogether; no good will come of having him at all in it for either your DD or you.

I agree Attila, I meant to put an emoji after the relative comment as I don't think it is lovely, and he is not lovely for doing this.

I think master manipulator is definitely the correct term here. And yes, I was very blase about him sending something, and now in hindsight I wish I had said an outright no. Never in a million years did I think that he would buy something like this.

I haven't had it valued no, but it is available to buy online from this particular jeweller and that is where dd found out how much he had spent.

So the issue is (and I think he full well knows this) that the item is not mine to keep or return. It belongs to dd and she has said that although she won't wear it, she wants to keep it as (in her mind) one day she will just sell it. She has no connection to this item at all, I even found the gift bag it came in and the birthday card in the bin.

In all honesty, this has shaken me a bit. Using my child to send a message. Not quite sure the message he is sending though, but it has unnerved me, and so therefore I suppose that is what he wanted.

You ended the relationship, you don’t want to renew it, the only question is whether you want to continue the friendship. He is inappropriate and makes you feel uncomfortable so I suggest you just back away from that as well. Delay replying to messages, avoid phone calls, just let it wither on the vine. Or tell him outright if you want a scene, which I suspect you don’t.

He's now getting to you through your daughter. I suggest you discontinue this 'friendship' ASAP.

Gifts come with ribbons, not strings. He could not care less about your or for that matter your daughter. Its about getting one over on you as punishment in his eyes for you actually having the gall to leave him, he being in his head a perfect specimen.

You did say no initially but you went onto say ok that's fine. That was his in (he could then say well you agreed to this) and his intention all along. He went onto to wear you, your boundaries and your objections down to the point he sent this ultimately unwanted item; that is what such manipulators do. They are also highly skilled at this and many people do get conned.

What is your daughter going to do with this piece going forward?. I would encourage her to sell it particularly if it is not going to be worn.

I would this properly valued by a jeweller for insurance purposes. An insurance company will not accept the retail price as a valuation and you have no way of knowing he paid full retail anyway.

That piece too may not be as valuable as perceived; this is why I am also suggesting you get this assessed and valued by a jeweller. It may be a damn good copy.

Delay replying to messages, avoid phone calls, just let it wither on the vine. Or tell him outright if you want a scene, which I suspect you don’t

I think I will do this. His tactic is to message through a link to something and then say nothing. Then expects a reply. I did block him previously, and oh boy did that stir up some almighty shit.

I know I need to break contact, and as ridiculous as this seems I don't want to block him as that will just spur him on again as he will react badly. I just do not have the headspace right now to go through all that again, so I think i will just ignore and hope it fizzles out. He goes back to work soonish as has been off for the whole of lockdown so hopefully with him being further away and with something to do, it will wither out as you say.

Be aware that it may be your daughter he was trying to get to all along. I agree, cut all contact. I would also send the jewellery back to him as it is inappropriate.

Gifts come with ribbons, not strings

I have not heard this saying in a long time, but how apt this is. I wish I had remembered it when I received very lovely hampers of Jo Malone and Chanel and clothes and and.....

What is your daughter going to do with this piece going forward?. I would encourage her to sell it particularly if it is not going to be worn

She says she will sell it one day. She is still a teenager so I will let it lie a bit, she might change her mind and want to keep it just as a pretty piece to wear on some occasion. I am trying to not push it with her to make any decisions right now. Her illness is mental heath related and so I don't want to be putting any unnecessary pressure on her. I didn't mention that in my first post as i didn't think it relevant, but this is another factor that has annoyed me as he knows about this.

Do not send the jewellery back, what such disordered of thinking people want is a response from the target and that to them is the reward. It is an unwanted item sent on the pretext of it being a milestone birthday for your DD. She should actively be encouraged to rid herself of this item particularly as it is not going to be worn and likely put in a drawer somewhere. I also doubt its as valuable as she possibly thinks it is hence me suggesting a jeweller properly assesses it.

I would also involve the police going forward if he continues to contact you as this contact from him is really unwanted . Your daughter and you have every right to go about your lives free of such harassment from a charming on the surface but ultimately dangerous individual.

I would also send the jewellery back to him as it is inappropriate

Cosy, we did discuss this, at first she said she cannot accept it. But after a while she said actually she thinks she will keep it, as if we never need money, its good for backup.

She has to choose as it is hers and not mine. If he had sent it to me, then I would have already sent it back. I even suggested we contact the jeweller and exchange it for something else, but then that means that we have have to get the receipt from him, and I am not going to do that.

He knows I am an overthinker, and this is exactly what has happened. He knows I will have checked it out online (there was always a standing joke that I could work for MI5), so he has got his way really hasn't he.

She is reliant on your good judgment going forward. Teenagers have no life experience at all and many of them can be easily fooled as has your DD here. She has no connection to him other than the fact that he is an ex. You as an adult here were taken in by his manipulation and used accordingly so what chance does she have against him?. None whatsoever and being streetwise as she may well think she is makes no difference. He has not let go of you that easily after all and manufactured this situation deliberately.

These types of charming but dangerous manipulators operate on a totally different level to the general population. She became a target for him too and her own issues to do with health played further into his hands. This man is completely despicable and needs to be warned off now by the police.

I wish I had remembered it when I received very lovely hampers of Jo Malone and Chanel and clothes and and.....

Why did you feel the need to itemise the gifts here? Are you actually secretly flattered still?

He targeted you because he saw qualities in you that he can and has indeed used against you. He used your DDs problems with MH against her too and as a way to get further back at you for leaving him.
The man is utterly despicable to have targeted you and in turn she like he did.

Its nice of her to think of you here re money but that is not something she should be at all having to worry herself about. This piece may not be as valuable as it appears to be. Appearances can be deceptive and I hope she is open to the possibility of you getting it properly assessed and valued by a jeweller.

He is not going to know you've had the piece independently assessed particularly if neither of you tell him.

I also doubt its as valuable as she possibly thinks it is hence me suggesting a jeweller properly assesses it

I will take it in to an independent jeweller, but I will do it without dd knowing at this point. I am pretty sure it is genuine, it was in the jewellers box and it is on their site and he did say that if it needs altering at all, then I just need to let him know and he will call that branch closest to me to arrange it.

Again, a hook.

Why did you feel the need to itemise the gifts here? Are you actually secretly flattered still?

Flattered? No Twenty. I feel quite ill about how blinded I was and I feel even more so now. I was replying to Attila's phrase of gifts coming with strings. All of them came with strings and the term "lovely" was sarcasm.

Indeed you recognised the hook for what it is; a hook to further draw you in. You were similarly flattered previously and taken in by him in a similar manner by giving you items that you perhaps could not readily afford.

I do not think he is going to let you or for that matter your DD go that easily by letting contact wither away. He will pop up again soon enough and I would be then having a word with the police too.

Override any and all concerns here from your DD and get this piece properly valued for insurance purposes. Even though it was in the jewellers box and on their site, it could well be not as seems. In any case it is an unwanted gift and with a whole heap of obligation attached to it.

As said before gifts should come with ribbons not strings. Its a saying that your DD needs to learn too.

He needs to be warned off by the authorities now before this further escalates. I would urge you to read the Suzy Lamplugh trust website on keeping personal safety.

I don't know how much the piece of jewellery is worth but for him it might not be much to him if he is extremely wealthy. It might be relevant. It wouldn't bother me that the gift has a greater value to what I bought. Accept it as you would with any gift, you have politely thanked and get on with your life.

Thanks everyone for the input.

I think at times you can get so consumed by thinking about something that you are not quite sure if the thinking is skewed or not. I see now that I was right to be uncomfortable about this situation, unlike what relatives claim to be a 'lovely thing to do'.

Its a saying that your DD needs to learn too

Absolutely Attila.

I think I am not going to give this any more headspace for now, as this is just what he is wanting to happen.

When things are a bit back to normal I will take it in to have it valued. Maybe by then dd will be in different thought zone and a bit further on with her own issues she is dealing with right now. I don't want to keep bringing it up as I feel that I am pressurizing her a bit.

I'd say it was a clear attempt to buy your love, and/or try and make your DD like him so she speaks kindly of him to you.

I know someone who has a friend like this. Her son has autism and MH issues and the manipulative friend will buy him things/treat the child as a pawn or as a way to continue the connection when the mum tries to end the friendship. I think their situation is more difficult as the boy's mum feels no-one else cares about the little boy and that the manipulative friend 'cares' about or has time for him. Or maybe she likes the gifts of expensive technology the manipulative person provides, when she can't afford them herself. They have a very difficult family background.

I would just have as little to do with him as possible. Block, really.

It is a red flag that you don't even dare to block him. He wants to force you to have a type of relationship going on so if you want to unhook yourselves I would suggest getting rid of the gift. If your daughter keeps it, you two will have a reminder of him at home and I suspect that is perhaps is one reason why he gave it to her. If it's valuable, sell it and your daughter can use the money for something she actually wants/needs now or in the future.

It is indeed a red flag that you feel you can’t block him, but I don’t really see that as a problem as you can just delete number and messages, never reach out, respond only occasionally and in your own time, just slow fade.

@TwentyViginti

He's now getting to you through your daughter. I suggest you discontinue this 'friendship' ASAP.

I agree with this. Also warn your daughter, as clearly as you can and as is appropriate, the sort of person he is because another time he may well go direct to her, and not via you. Help her build her barriers. It will help with her reactions to him as well as with similar people she will meet in the future.