Younger friend makes age related comments

[Abitannoying]

I have a friend who is 20 years younger than me whom I get on well with, and I think she is a lovely person.

However practically every time I speak to her she manages to make comments relating to my age. Examples:

I should ask my dc to show me how to do something on the Internet.

Things were different dating wise in “my time”. She uses that phrase - in “your time”.

She has a 41 year old friend whom she says is “still attractive” - that 41 year old friend is 10 years younger than me.

She makes a lot of comparisons and draws parallels between me and a client of hers who is older than me - between 10 and 20 years older - regarding computer literacy for example. Not saying she should be making these comments about her client either.

Maybe I am being over sensitive? I find myself bracing myself for the comments now.

Disclaimers - I realise I might be over sensitive. I also know that of course I am a lot older than my friend. And, nothing wrong with any age, but I don’t like the assumptions she appears to make. Regarding computer literacy, attractiveness, and general pigeon holing / generalisations.
I really don’t need my dc to explain the very simple IT thing she was talking about.

I guess I find her somewhat patronising and I am not sure how to respond.

Tell her to stop it?

No, you are not over sensitive - your friend is enjoying undermining you because it makes her feel superior to you.

She’s not a friend. I wouldn’t spend another minute in the company of someone who undermined me so constantly and so casually.

Hang out with people who aren’t idiots and don’t make you feel rattled.

She’s not a friend but a parasite who hangs out with older women to make herself feel better.

She's not much of a friend. I'm a similar age to you and I would not like that at all.

I tell people I am happy to be 50 something as some school mates were dead at 18.....
She sounds really cheeky.
I would say 'oi! Less if the 'in my day' please I am not that old ffs'

...and as fir computer skills...I know people in their 80s who are perfectly computer literate...they were among the first to become so with PCS.
How old does she think Bill Gates is?

I had this with a colleague! Shes 34 and I'm in my late 40s. She asked if dh and I were planning on retiring soon! I called her a cheeky mare and she said ' I'm sorry, I was just thinking of MY parents'

I replied ' christ almighty! How old do you think I am? '

Torn between thinking shes a butch or just a bit thick!

I do ribbing my senile friends about their advanced years. She is probably just an arsehole like me.

You are not being over sensitive at all, I had this type of behaviour from a colleague and like you I was bracing myself everytime for some patronising age comment, in the end I called them out very firmly on it, they have never done it since, and by the way she is no friend of yours at all.

She might just be a tactless fool, like I am.

I appreciate a quiet word, because I would hate to hurt my friends feelings but dont always get it right.

As pp said, say Oi! How old do you think I am??!!

If shes a good person but just a bit slow in perspectives you can probably continue a lovely friendship.

Next time, say "I'm tired of the ageist remarks and find it really offensive. So please stop."

One more chance, See if she makes the effort.

Just say you're not the old and sometimes she talks like you are. Doesn't have to be confrontational. She'll probably stop once she knows it's out there

I had the opposite problem in the last couple of years.

A colleague nearly 20 yrs my senior constantly saying "at our age" to me and also "I forget we arent the same age" and "well you'll find Eine that as we get older" and she was so consistent with it you could set your watch by it. It was absolutely deliberate as she had heard me mention to a manager in idle chit chat that I felt I was beginning to age and was self conscious, and she started after that.

She was horrible to me in other ways, we left within two months of each other and if I never saw her again it would be too soon.

So even though it's the reverse of my situation I COMPLETELY get you

I'm 40 and use a PC at work every day, I cannot touch type. My 81yr old mum can touch type due to keyboards never changing since the dawn of the typewriter and a secretarial course she completed at 20. I'd say she is doing just fine using her laptop. How exactly has dating changed? Is it not a case of two people meeting each other anymore then? 🤔 I'd tell her to piss off and she's not exactly 'down with kids' if she's over 16, anything else is classed as 'ancient' by anyone above that in any generation that's passed before and will do again. I can recall a lad of 13/14 whispering to his mate he'd 'offer that old woman his seat on the bus' (which he did).... I was 25! 🤣

If you like her and get on, laugh and say FFS I'm not that old etc

If you don't feel comfy doing that, then ditch.

I have always had friends a range of ages. It's tricky. Say I am in my late forties and have a good friend who is a bloke in mid twenties. When I was mid twenties, middle aged people, I would have struggled to guage decade. They all looked just kind of older? Conversely, I am guilty of assuming they won't have heard of stuff that actually they have, as I think before your time...

I think she sounds annoying. I'm 40 and last year at work I had to spend time with a lot of younger people 18-20 years old. Not one of them said anything like your friend at any time, I'd ask her to quit it. Politely. ( although one of them asked if I could pretend to be their mum and take them to the pub as they didn't have ID with them) ... That made me feel old lol.

@AtrociousCircumstance

No, you are not over sensitive - your friend is enjoying undermining you because it makes her feel superior to you.

She’s not a friend. I wouldn’t spend another minute in the company of someone who undermined me so constantly and so casually.

Hang out with people who aren’t idiots and don’t make you feel rattled.

Agree with this. She is not a friend at all.

She's a dick.

She does it deliberately.
Don't make excuses for her.
Grown women aren't deliberately tactless. Narcissists and similar however, are deliberately cruel.

Thanks for the messages and I am sorry if you have been through the same in either younger or older person direction.

I think she is a bit thoughtless more than anything. And used to giving advice so it is kind of in that context. I have tried the FFS I am not that old comments a couple of times but I guess she must be unconsciously externalising what she feels.

The IT thing was how to get my laptop running off my phone hotspot. I don’t think this is a difficult thing to do - I just haven’t done it before. We were in the middle of a video call and my connection wasn’t that good. I said I wasn’t going to try that in the middle of the call and she said I should ask my dc to show me . So I said “I don’t need them to show me, I just don’t want to do it right now.” While it’s true that my teens are very comfortable around software etc, I can google the hotspot thing in two seconds .

The dating comments relate to her thinking that people do all their meeting online now and not back in “my day”. Of course it’s true that online dating did not exist when I met my ex husband (or did in some form maybe? - 1996), she seems to think that people only meet online now. I did say that actually it’s about a third of couples who meet online but her point, I guess, was that where people will go to to look for dates is primarily online.

I guess what I find galling is that she would have a “way” of thinking about my age at all - though generally she is kind and funny and has helped when I have been through difficult stuff.

A comment she made about two years ago when I was going through my awful divorce - that people deserve love no matter how old they are or what they look like . I must have said something about my age (then 49) in relation to my divorce or something. But I remember thinking fuck me how bad do you think I actually look .

She really doesn't sound kind . That is not how you talk to your friends.

" - that people deserve love no matter how old they are or what they look like"

But what she said is true! Perhaps you are oversensitive?

Also, she siunds like a good friend, albeit one who views you as "old." Show me the young person who truly viscerally understands that they too will age, and I will show you a leprechaun.

I have younger friends and two of them did this. I still like them but I didn’t like that.

One made a joke once (one of many jokes) about how we could pretend I’m her mother (I’m 10 years older) and I said with a half smile ‘I think f**k off is the only response to that.’ She got the message!

The other constantly alluded to it (I’m 8/9 years older) so I said one day ‘you’re really into age, aren’t you? It’s something you seem to think about a lot.’ She looked embarrassed and stopped after that!

Insensitive and immature are the first polite words that spring to mind

Wouldn't bother me at all and something I do with my OH all the time. If you don't like it, ask her to stop. Perhaps she just doesn't realise it bothers you.

That’s really weird. My friends range in age from a few years younger than me to a few decades older (I’m mid twenties so not much scope for significantly younger). I can’t say I’ve ever had this kind of interaction with anyone since I was a teenager and teachers were constantly going on about ‘back in my day’. Is you friend maybe around thirty and struggling to come to terms with no longer being young young?