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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

he doesnt want our baby

54 replies

Solareclipse44 · 09/07/2020 22:01

i dont know what to do, i am 19 and currently 9 weeks pregnant . the moment i told my boyfriend he left, he told me we wasnt ready..... well he wasnt ready anyway. i have decided to keep the baby with the consiquence of being a single mum but its hard because everyday he is contacting me with intentions to make me change my mind, the moment i say i am still sticking with my decision and keeping the baby he isntantly gets to being mean with horrible messages, i feel like im gaining depression or anxiety and i dont know how to stop stressing . i know stress isnt good for the baby. know any stress relief that could possibly help?

OP posts:
User533633 · 09/07/2020 23:55

Yes, but whatever she decides is right. I had a son at 20 and it was hard and I struggled a great deal, it's almost broke my relationship, but it didn't. I honestly don't know how I would have coped on my own from the 9 week pregnancy stage. I honestly don't think just sugar coating reality to a stranger for five minutes is helpful .

To the OP , having a child is amazing and beautiful. But also life limiting and lonely. I was at a different life stage to all my friends, now he's 20 and all my friends have young kids. But, it can be done and it can be amazing. This is your decision and your decision only. But you should consider everything. I focused on family through my twenties, career in my thirties and I'm starting to feel more balanced now.

User533633 · 09/07/2020 23:58

@dreamcatch

What are you going on about?

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 09/07/2020 23:59

Block him, op. Make plans for how you will do this alone. Make sure you include how you will Get yourself in the best financial position to support the baby. Focus on how you will develop your career.

User533633 · 10/07/2020 00:00

@dreamcatch

You insinuated a termination could lead to regret whereas having a child almost never would.... It's judgemental to say that.

Somethingkindaoooo · 10/07/2020 00:00

@Vodkacranberryplease

He is welcome to not want a baby- understandable.

It doesn't mean he should be abusive.

DisobedientHamster · 10/07/2020 00:05

Block and delete him from your life. Just that. Do not give the baby his surname. He can't abuse you if he can't contact you. You don't owe him an explanation. Do not have a termination you do not want.

copperoliver · 10/07/2020 00:07

Block him and do what you want. If you want move away and you won't have to deal with him ever again. X

DisobedientHamster · 10/07/2020 00:07

@Vodkacranberryplease

If I didn't want a baby and someone tried to force me to I would be furious. So for you it's all hearts and fluffy flowers but for him it's massive responsibility at a young age, being expected to hand over a ton of money for the next 18 years and being expected to 'step up' to something he didn't ask for.

You need to keep him out of it if you want this baby. I'm sorry. I understand how hurtful this is but it's your dream not his. To him this is just an awful nightmare.

He has a financial responsibility to the child he fathered no matter what Hmm. Sex results in babies sometimes. If you don't want that to happen and you are male, you use a condom each and every time, you get a vasectomy when you're done procreating or never wish to procreate or you refrain from sex. But waaaa! It's not fair! That's biology, it doesn't give a gram of fuck about fairness.

Diddums, 'hand over a ton of money', you lay, you pay! FFS.

User533633 · 10/07/2020 00:11

@dreamcatch

I don't want to argue and mess up someone else's thread, especially not a 19 year old lassie in this predicament. (Bf not pregnancy) so let's just call a truce. I'm sorry.

User533633 · 10/07/2020 00:17

And I never said that you said all terminations are a mistake. I used quotation marks to say what you said... That was my take on what you said.

2bazookas · 10/07/2020 00:21

Write him a very formal letter saying you are determined to continue the pregnancy despite his threats and bullying demands to abort.. You intend to keep your baby and will be formally seeking financial support from him as its father . Meanwhile you are blocking his calls to prevent any further threats and harassment .

Sign it, get it photocopied, keep one copy and and send his copy by registered post.

Aveisenim · 10/07/2020 00:28

It's a common reaction. My DP freaked out when we found out I was expecting at 19 (he was 17) and also wanted me to get an abortion, the difference is that he didn't pressure me. I told him it was upto him whether he wanted to be in our DC's life or not but I was having our DC with or without him. We're still together. It's hard to have a baby so young, but I wouldn't give up my DC for the world.

However, it could have easily gone the other way and he could have walked away completely. You've made your decision, you need to be clear with him that he needs to stop harrassing you about it because that's what he's doing.

User533633 · 10/07/2020 00:36

@Solareclipse44

You asked for stress relief in pregnancy ideas.

I swam every day when I was pregnant... Are pools opening soon anyone? I know gyms are, keep on that when you can , it does help.

I kind of listened to gentle TV, gentle music, took baths , walked a LOT, read and prepared. Preparation is key to relaxation. Knowing what's happening at each stage is really empowering (cheesy word I know, I am sorry). I would put your phone and electronic devices away for a few hours a day. Look up YouTube videos on pregnancy routines in yoga etc? Basically , treat yourself like you are special because you are . You are amazing. Treat yourself in every way, every day. Think if your needs as

  1. Diet, eat the best you can, and take care of you both
  1. Exercise, get into a proper routine and do what you can
  1. Cognitive, do quizzes, board games, read up on things your interested in. Bread up on pregnancy and having children, write down short term plans, long term plans, start keeping a diary .
  1. Relaxation, baths, yoga, putting on creams, taking care of yourself,
  1. Self esteem, do things like face masks and hair masks, do regular treatments at home . Take care of yourself, whatever you like to do, make time for it.

Start forming routines now, they will really help when the baby comes ( although initially they will be out the window)

Vodkacranberryplease · 10/07/2020 08:28

Yoga is amazing for stress and will strengthen your back and core. There's loads on YouTube Adrienne I think? She does ones for stress plus later there's pregnancy yoga.
I had a lot of stress at one time and yoga helped an awful lot. You only need a yoga mat and a place to put it. There's apps etc too.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 10/07/2020 08:34

@Vodkacranberryplease

If I didn't want a baby and someone tried to force me to I would be furious. So for you it's all hearts and fluffy flowers but for him it's massive responsibility at a young age, being expected to hand over a ton of money for the next 18 years and being expected to 'step up' to something he didn't ask for.

You need to keep him out of it if you want this baby. I'm sorry. I understand how hurtful this is but it's your dream not his. To him this is just an awful nightmare.

What makes you think it's all fluffy .. or her dream.. I didn't pick that up from the wording of the OP.. in fact she speaks explicitly of it being quite other than "fluffy"...
Vodkacranberryplease · 10/07/2020 08:35

Also as a single mum being able to earn good money is probably your single greatest asset so up skill, do an unpaid/low paid internship in a field you want to work in if you can stand out there and get them to hire you after or do another internship part time it looks better on your cv.

Mostly employers just want people who turn up to work, are keen, work hard and aren't going to cost loads of money but not be there or working.

Some mums are better than others at this but as a result many employers are wary. They don't want to get caught up in endless days off/sick days and multiple mat leave with no staff, the existing staff being unhappy, and the business at risk. Especially not now. So great childcare you can rely on plus a good backup is really key. I'm not sure how easy it is to do that and some people get around it by taking jobs on childcare/teaching where they can fit in with their kids but the pay in these jobs is a lot less as a result.

Vodkacranberryplease · 10/07/2020 08:37

At 19 you'll be 37 by the time this baby is 18 which is young!!! Work wise it's very young!!! You'll be working till you are at least 60 so best to make it something you enjoy, are good at, and earn money from. Maybe not now - but studying or planning now if you can is not a bad idea.

dottiedodah · 10/07/2020 08:47

He is being unreasonable here Im afraid! Of course he doesnt want a baby ,but guess what one is coming anyway".Yes hes 19 so old enough to have sex but not for a baby! Sack him off by all means ,but he needs to pay whatever he can for his child .What about his DP what do they think? Men always seem to be able to have a"good time " and walk away with women holding the baby !

Vodkacranberryplease · 10/07/2020 08:52

@Toohardtofindaproperusername I didn't pick that up from the wording of the OP.. in fact she speaks explicitly of it being quite other than "fluffy"...

Good user name btw, so true! She said it was hard with him being mean. Not hard having a baby. That part had not been mentioned at all.

And he's out of order - but if anyone told us that having sex with someone you thought/assumed had taken steps would result in family and societal pressure to give up dreams of travelling, money, freedom and free time (every ow plus maybe a night a week) You would be upset. I would.

It's why abortions are legal because no one has the right to force us to have babies. True it's totally different for him. But unless he's scum and his parents are scum he WILL be expected to cough up money, get involved etc. The govt wil go after him for child support, so bang goes his (no doubt teenage) dreams of buying a car, holidays with mates, moving abroad etc. Not to mention buying a property or even meeting someone else.

We all know it may not be that bad for him, But yo him right now it's the end of the world. And it probably will have a serious impact on his life - so let's not pretend it won't. And he did not choose or want it and yes he could have worn a condom.

But if it was the reverse he would not be able to force her to keep it. He would be a POS for even trying to do that. I think if she wants to do it she needs to keep him out of it. Cut ties and make her own way.

He's being horrible because he doesn't want this and that's not likely to change - even if he loves the baby he will resent her. I've seen it a million tones - even in married people. Men HATE 'surprise' babies and having to marry someone because of it and underneath it all they resent the mother even though they love the children. I'm not agreeing but that's how it goes.

whiplashy · 10/07/2020 09:56

block him and move on

puzzledpiece · 10/07/2020 10:06

Block him from all contacts. If you've decided to keep the baby and he is only trying to make you abort, then block him. The stress isn't worth it.

ilikemethewayiam · 10/07/2020 10:45

@Vodkacranberryplease

If I didn't want a baby and someone tried to force me to I would be furious. So for you it's all hearts and fluffy flowers but for him it's massive responsibility at a young age, being expected to hand over a ton of money for the next 18 years and being expected to 'step up' to something he didn't ask for.

You need to keep him out of it if you want this baby. I'm sorry. I understand how hurtful this is but it's your dream not his. To him this is just an awful nightmare.

But he did ask for it by not putting a condom on it! This is 2020 not the Middle Ages. We ALL understand how babies are made. Its called consequences! He doesn’t have to be a Dad if he doesn’t want to but he has a financial responsibility whether he likes it or not.
crosseyedMary · 10/07/2020 10:48

If he wasn't ready for a baby he should have made sure that no baby could result from his activities
Stop engaging with him and focus on what's best for you OP

Sharkerr · 10/07/2020 11:13

Having a child is a very expensive decision, I don’t know many 19yr olds who’ve already got to a stage in life where they’re living independently and financially secure enough to also take on the responsibility of a child.

Can you do this alone? Practically? What’s your situation living/work/finance wise?

It’s hard enough with two adults... make sure you have a chat with some parent friends about the costs of raising a baby, childcare etc.

corythatwas · 10/07/2020 16:07

And he's out of order - but if anyone told us that having sex with someone you thought/assumed had taken steps would result in family and societal pressure to give up dreams of travelling, money, freedom and free time (every ow plus maybe a night a week) You would be upset. I would.

Are you implying that the OP lied about using contraception?

Or simply that young men should be able to assume that somebody else is responsible for taking precautions so they don't have to worry their pretty little heads about that?