How do you actually leave someone?

[Muddledup]

Help! I am thinking, very seriously, of leaving dh. I have tried relationship counselling, we have talked and given it time, etc, but I am in love with someone else, have been for 3 years, and am as sure as you can be I would be better off with him in lots of ways.

But...I can't seem to screw myself up to walk out the door. Having a 4 year old child makes it more complicated, obviously - have to take more stuff, have a clearer approach/story, I don't want to destabilise them any more than is unavoidable, etc. But also the fact that I don't hate dh, just don't want to live with him any more (I think).

I tried to go about three months ago, lasted about three hours, then dh on the phone putting huge pressure on me persuaded me to go home.

So has anyone else walked out? How did you screw yourself up to it? How did you cope with the hurt/anger from your partner - face to face, phone, leave a note? And did you know at the time it was the right thing or where you as uncertain as I am?

Oh dear Muddledup! Very complicated for you. Don't have any experience of this (first or second hand) so can't advise you properly.
But to my mind you probably need to plan it properly: where are you going to live, what money will you have etc. You say there is another man in your life. Would it be wise to move in with him straightaway? What if you don't like it? Probably best if you could to sort out a place for yourself and your child and definettly talk to DH in detail about family arrangements. There's the school to be considered too....
I'm just a bit concerned that if you walk out just like that and a divorce follows, how will the courts see it. I'm sorry, I haven't noticed your name/postings before so i'm not familiar with your situation if indeed you did post about tis problem before.
I think the bottom line is make sure you want to live DH first of all, think how he will react, don't hurt him if you don't have to and most importantly ensure you and your child have a safe, stable situation to go to. Think it through properly , plan it and only then see if it's worth it.
I hope you're OK. Is your DH not being nice to you by any chance or are you just bored with him?

Muddledup you have to be 100% sure you want to leave him, especially if there are children involved. Is it because of this someone else that you want to leave dh or is is because are you having difficulties with your dh?

In my case, I knew I didnt want to be with dd's father when I was pregnant but stuck it out for so long as I thought it was the right thing to do for dd. But then I realised I just didnt want to be with him, and I didnt love him at all. I then tried to split up with him for about 3 months but he kept throwing the guilt trip at me. I then ended up asking him to go to his parents so we could have a break and then ended it in a letter but it was the only way to get it through to him. Me and dd are very happy as we are, and I am now with dp. But dd was only 8months so she didnt know what was going on. xxx

Wow, thank you for posting so quickly. To answer some of the questions dh (well dp really) is being nice to me now - me leaving and coming back a few months ago got through to him the way nothing else did. That's when we did the counselling etc and do genuinely understand each other better etc. I just can't seem to set aside the several years when he acted like he didn't love me, barely talked to me, wouldn't listen to things I was unhappy about etc. Also sex was never that good, even at the beginning, probably because we never communicated all that well.

Having said that, I wouldn't be trying to leave if there wasn't someone else, who I have known for several years, who I am pretty confident would work better with me and really loves me. And I'd like to have another child.

But as for 100% certain...I don't think I'll ever get to that point. I just keep going round in circles but I need to either commit to stay or go - swithering in the middle is driving me insane!

Am not sure how much help I'll be muddledup as the reason I left my ex-h seems to be totally different to the reason you want to leave but will put my two-penny-worth in anyway.

I left because my ex was verbally and physically violent to me and I finally realised I had to get out of there and that I COULD survive on my own, and that I couldn't leave my dd at risk from him. Because of the reason I had to leave, I couldn't tell him beforehand because I was too scared tbh. So one morning (he always slept until about noon) I packed all the essentials up for me and dd, phoned my sister and got her to pick us up. My H woke up and came down when my sister arrived and started begging me to stay but by then i'd been through so much and tried to leave twice before that it meant nothing to me and didn't have any emotional effect.

I think the major things you have to do is make sure you're as sure as you can be beforehand that you really want to go, and really REALLY try not to give in to emotional pressure - keep reminding yourself why you want to be out of the relationship. If you won't be happy in the relationship then your child will not be happy with the 'bad' feeling, however much you try to hide it. So if you're sure you want to be out of it, that's the best thing to do. In time you might be able to stay friends with your ex, which will make things a lot better for your child.

As to leaving, people might criticize me for this, but you have to be a teeny bit selfish and, while considering his feelings, do what feels best to you. if you really can't face him, then leave a note and maybe discuss things a couple of days later.

At the time of leaving I was STILL, after everything he'd put me through, quite uncertain about it, but I'd say give it a month to let things settle before you decide whether it was a good idea or not. I would say a month is the minimum time you need to think things over and feel a bit more sure about the situation - take as long as you need but IMO anything under a month is too short to really know what you want.

i think you need to ask yourself what you want more: to leave DH or to be with the other man, or to be on your own.
if you want to leave DH it should be for you ONLY, not for another man or DH or anybody else. In these circumstances I mean.
i wouldn't want you to be dissapointed by this other man. does he want a child too?

if you don't think you can be 100% then it's best to think what is best for you then. and like branster said, if you do decide to leave you need to have a plan. i rang up CAB and found out all i would be entitled to and roughly what i would get. xxx

muddledup - personally, and this is just my opinion, I don't think you can be 100% while you're still in the relationship because you're too close to things. It sounds like you might need some space just for you (and your child), with no man involved, just for a while to sort things out in your head.

muddledup, i don't know if this helps, but i was that child, and it was horrid and confusing, but if my parents had stayed together for my benefit then all three of us would probably have had far far worse times. My Dad was rubbish, until he nearly lost me, and then he was agreat Dad.

Having said that the mistake my mum made was who she went to go and live with - things are different now, women can live on their own with a family, so my advice, for what it's worth, is don't confuse moving out of one mans life with moving into anothers, and please, if he's anything like a good father, don't make him stop being that.

I also think you should live on your own rather than leap straight into another live-in relationship, if you do leave. I also think you should discuss it properly, and that means discussing sharing the care of your son. Maybe going back to counselling could help with that?

Thank you, this is helping - I have been going mad inside my own head. I had got myself into an all or nothing: stay with dp or go to other man and quite obviously there is a go somewhere else entirely and decide option. And it is probably right that a month is the minimum to get away and get some perspective.

I am pretty confident about other man - we do seem to want same things (including a child) and he has supported and stuck by me when it was pretty difficult to do so - but of course I have never lived with him and my child doesn't know him.

So maybe what I need is to get an in between place to go - that is scarey enough but less final for dp and means that we could keep going to counselling (we have a really good counsellor). I definitely still want him around as her dad, he is a much better dad than a partner. Actually, he is a much better partner now, too, but it feels too late for me.

muddledup - going somewhere on your own will give you loads of benefits. DP won't feel so bad because you haven't 'run into another man's arms'. You'll have a chance to change your mind if you decide you want to, but without having to leave someone else. You'll be able to 'assess' the other man's reaction when you are available and see if he really is 'the one'. You can clear your head by yourself with no undue pressure. Sounds just what you need right now, IMO.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this but legally, it is best if you stay in the marital home. I know its difficult, but I think you should ask DH if he would leave to give you both some breathing space... a separation. In time, when you have found out what it is you want, and you have been separated for a while, you can start divorce proceedings much more easily and if you really are 100% sure that it is what you want, then the divorce will be much more of a smoother ride for all.
If DH decides it is he that wants to divorce you, then do not contest it. He may be angry and want to name your new love. Let your new love know this and stand sure with each other. In the end, it doesn't really matter. Only you that matters but be rational.
Stay in the marital home. It is the home of your child too. It will be unbearable for a time but hang on in there. Think of your future. What if it goes wrong with you new love? You have given up your home... no where to go. Give it time and thought.
It is possible but you must think through everything first.
Important: do not leave the marital/partnered whatever, home. You will have no right to go back.
Hope this helps and sorry if I have repeated someone else.
Be strong. {{{HUGS}}}

Jojo38 thank you for your post. I think it doesn't apply to me as although i referred to him as dh (out of habit) we are not actually married. House is jointly owned and if we don't get back together I would want to sell it and could afford somewhere else on half the proceeds. Also my parents/sister would help out financially in short term if need be. Pretty sure that dp is not the sort of person who would be vindictive (and I have seen how generous he was to his ex-wife when he left her 15 years ago). Anyway one of the many attractions of leaving for me is to get away from all the accumulated STUFF - I would move to a small flat and ditch most of our possessions tomorrow if dp was willing!

So I have decided to go and see my parents/sister this weekend (they live quite a way away)as dp is away, and tell them all about it, then get out for a few weeks. Still feels fairly drastic but nowhere near as bad as trying to decide the whole rest of my life in one step.

Hi muddledup
Even though you are not "married" in the legal sense, have a word with a solicitor. I embarrassingly assume that DP is dad to your child? I am not sure where you stand with the property but if you have the right to stay there, then do... clear out the clutter, get your head together, then you will know when to sell. Going at it so hastily may cloud your judgement. When you move, will you be moving far away from where you are now? If so, what about your friends, job, schools etc. Please don't think I am trying to put you off the idea, because I really don't believe you should stay with someone if there is no reason to stay - and more of a reason not to. I have done it.
I moved about 100 miles away from my home town to where I am now. I just wanted out and to move on. Friends and family stressed that I should kick Xh out and hold fire for a few months while I get over the shock. I am glad I did. I found out who my friends really were - and they matter to me still. I got my head together, sort of, and decided to make myself an individual instead of relying on the idea of being - having to be - a half of a couple. It did me good and I was then strong enough to leave my recently bereaved mother, friends and home. I sold the house and made a small sum to start again. I stayed in the house. It was "ours" jointly but I had the majority.
I am sure you know what you are doing and I don't doubt you. Go for it if it really has to be. Please make sure you get the advice you need before you pack up and go.
Best of luck hun... I really mean that. Go get your life back.
{{{HUGS}}}

Thank you jojo38 your support is really appreciated.

You are welcome. I certainly don't want you to think that I am "bullying" you into staying, that isn't what I meant. Just to think things thro before you leave it all behind. You have obviously had a good few years thinking about this. I wish you all the luck in the world.
{{{Hugs}}}

Muddledup - i have just been reading your message - definately follow Jojo38's advice - go see a solicitor befor you do anything - get you stall set out and try not to leave the family home. He is legally bound to continue paying the bills etc until the divorce if thats the way you want to go is completed. I have just recently left my not so dh as he was bullying me and i was deeply unhappy - finally i decided that i couldnt take it any more and that my dd shouldnt have to live with it. My dd was 20 months old at the time and she is not bothered if dh is around or not. Thats how much time he spent with her. Anyway the point i am trying to make is that i left the family home and dh is up to something which may mean he does not have to sell out hoem to pay me out - stay where you are - take some time out to decide what you want and get some legal advice!!!

I feel a bit sorry for this dp of your who seems to have no knowledge of this other life you are contemplating nor does he seem to have committed any terrible crime to warrant being evicted, lose his whole family and turn his life upside down whilst you decide whether the grass is greener or not with a man who you dont seem to be 100% confident that he even wants to take on all this baggage as you've not discussed it with him nor has he ever met your child.

Trifle, that's really nothing to do with the question muddledup is asking. She wants practical advice, not a lecture on the rights and wrongs of it all, which I am sure she has thought long and hard about anyway. Please let's not start another of those threads.

That's fine but others are saying to get him to leave the house, she's not sure what she wants, they are going to counselling so presumably the dp is under the illusion that they are attempting a reconcilliation etc. She's the one saying she wouldn't have contemplated leaving had this other guy not come on the scene although as he hasnt even met the child nor have they discussed living together it all seems a bit wishy washy.

I actually think Trifle raises a valid point. Muddledup is here for honest advice. And we should present the pros and cons as we wouldn't want to her to make a desicion she might later regret. I sort of agree with trifle that your dp is totally in the dark. Does he know that you still harbor resentment for the past? Or does he think counselling has gone well and it's all hunky dory now? I just wonder if you are really sure it's over. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

ALso, your other man has never met your daughter. You say he wants kids. Does he want the one you already have? Does he want to be a step dad to someone who still has a loving dad? And what will your child think of him?

I'm sorry. I know this is terribly hard for you. And the words I type are probably not making it any easier. But, I think that a true friend will tell you what she really thinks. I wouldn't want to encourage you to leave, just for you to later look back and think "damn I never thought of that."

I wonder if perhaps the other man's presence is keeping you from working things out with DP. Perhaps you would benefit most if you took a break from both of them. Say a month where you don't see either and see which one you really miss.

Oh gosh, I hope this doesn't sound terrible. I really do feel for you. You are obviously very unhappy. And wish you the best.

I do however, think Trifle has a point. I think even contemplating a future with a man who hasn't even met your child is extremely premature. And I speak as a stepmother. My dh wouldn't have married me if he hadn't seen me interact with his daughter first and we had learned to like each other and enjoy each other's company. That has to come first. That is why, if Muddledup is going to leave her partner, she really mustn't, IMO, move straight in with this man. I think it would be a mistake to involve lawyers early on or to spring this on her partner as a surprise. I think you might think about going back into counselling with the idea that you can negotiate the end of your relationship, including who lives where, how you will proceed with selling your home and what kind of contact you both agree on regarding your child, who will no doubt want and need lots of contact. From experience I would say that involving solicitors does make things more adversarial, and things get written down that cannot be forgotten or erased and it can be immensely damaging to the idea of a civilised split. Muddledup sounds like a reasonable person with no bitterness or vindictiveness in her, and her partner also doesn't sound unreasonable, violent or aggressive, so I think talking has to be the way forward. You could get a legal agreement to sell the house when and if one person wants to do so to protect both of your interests, perhaps, but I can't see the point of involving lawyers at such an early stage, particularly as Muddledup and her partner aren't married so the division of assets is pretty simple and Muddledup doesn't sound in the least bit greedy.

Thanks moomina, you're absolutely right, I don't want to be lectured about rights and wrongs as I do that very well for myself! I understand where Trifle is coming from but don't plan to go into all the history of dp and what he has/hasn't done & the problems we've had - suffice it to say is that there is a long history and quite a sad one, but feeling sorry for him doesn't make him any easier to live with. As for other man, he would have me tomorrow if i wanted to move in, along with my child, cat and anything else I cared to bring - we have discussed exhaustively. It's me who's hesitating, because I need to be sure.

Anyway, thanks for all the support and advice.

I have to say, that the other relationship does sound a bit vague, and despite knowing this man for three years, if he hasn't met Muddledup's child in all that time I think it cannot truly be described as a relationship that is one step away from marriage and more kids.

How old is your child? if you don't mind me asking