How do you actually leave someone?

[Muddledup]

Help! I am thinking, very seriously, of leaving dh. I have tried relationship counselling, we have talked and given it time, etc, but I am in love with someone else, have been for 3 years, and am as sure as you can be I would be better off with him in lots of ways.

But...I can't seem to screw myself up to walk out the door. Having a 4 year old child makes it more complicated, obviously - have to take more stuff, have a clearer approach/story, I don't want to destabilise them any more than is unavoidable, etc. But also the fact that I don't hate dh, just don't want to live with him any more (I think).

I tried to go about three months ago, lasted about three hours, then dh on the phone putting huge pressure on me persuaded me to go home.

So has anyone else walked out? How did you screw yourself up to it? How did you cope with the hurt/anger from your partner - face to face, phone, leave a note? And did you know at the time it was the right thing or where you as uncertain as I am?

My stepdaughter was six when I met her, and her parents had been separated since she was two, and her mother remarried. HOWEVER, she still found it hard at first that her father had another partner and we took it slowly. You would IMO be making a big mistake if you underestimated how traumatic it might be for your child to whisk them to a new home with a new father figure they don't know. What do you think about discussing separation (though perhaps not this new man as that should IMO be approached as a whole new relationship if you do split with your dp) with your partner?

I'm not saying that Trifle's points aren't valid in themselves, just that I took muddledup's orginal post to be asking for more practical advice on 'how' one actually goes about leaving a relationship that's not working, what the deal is with housing and so on. I just didn't think she wanted to talk about what her dp's 'terrible crimes' are - or are not. These threads so easily 'go south' am just a bit wary of another bust-up, perhaps

Thanks again moomina, and you're right I don't want to go into all the ins and outs of me and dp, or me and other man despite feeling rather defensive now and tempted to start explaining why I am not as thoughtless as I may sound!

I left my previous dh after 2 3/4 years of marriage and 7 years being together. I just did it quite suddenly one day on the spur of the moment in a way. Quite the most impulsive thing I've ever done in my life as I am quite a cautious person! I had met someone else but had only known him a few months but it made me realise just how unhappy I was. I knew that things hadn't been right since about a year into our marriage but didn't realise how bad it was. However we didn't have any children which made it much easier.

The only thing I regret was that I didn't have longer on my own. I had a flat for a few months but spent most of hte time with my new parter (now my dh so I did make the right decision!). You really need a bit of time and space to clear your head and sort things out.

Coping with the hurt was the worst thing - eg long messages on my answerphone at work, letters etc but I didn't give in. I think once you've done it you cannot go back. I guess sooner the better (if you do do it) before your child gets much older.

Hope you sort it all out anyway. It's a very difficult thing to do ...

Ah just noticed you said that your child's 4. If you do decide to for it with your other man, then please consider what it'll be like for your child. Me and dp are moving in together next year but I wouldnt even consider it unless I knew he and my dd get on. If your child hasn't met your dp before than he is going to be a stranger to your child that he/she is moving in with. Just wanted to say do think about that, although Im sure you will. xxx

Muddledup, I don't think you are thoughtless at all. I just thought you sounded unsure. That was why I said what I did. I hope it didn't upset you.

I think that when it comes to these situations thoughtless doesn't come into it - I know because I left my husband for my DP last year after a great deal of thought, although we had no children involved so the circumstances are slightly different.

My exDH is a wonderful person, did nothing wrong and always did what I asked - but that was the problem, I felt like a mother before I even became one. It was not for me, and I cannot begin to tell you why - it just wasn't right and would never be so. I don't know what your partner is like as a person or what he is like with you but it might help if you can imagine how the two people involved would deal with the crap that life can sometimes throw at you - who would be the supportive one, who will be the moody one, who would be your port in a storm, who will be the one to turn their back on a problem etc. etc. I am being, yet again, clumsy with my words but I hope this makes sense . . .

Also, you need to think about how you will deal with the guilt, the sadness and the "what could have been feelings" when that second person doesn't seem quite so wonderful afterall - because those feelings are stronger than you can imagine. I love my DP and I know I made the right decision but it has been a very rocky ride for both of us - we have both been close to splitting because of the strain of all those swinging emotions, (admittedly we were both still readjusting when I found out I was pregnant and so that added to the strain)

You must do what is right for you at the end of the day though. The decision can only be yours. Difficult and painful isn't it?

Eulalia, you said it better than I! My DH never showed his feelings (one of the major problems) and when we parted his way of dealing was to act like a friend and like we had never been married. However my best friend told me how he was really doing and that was hard to deal with.

I too am a step mum and DH a step to my sons. My eldest was 9 and youngest 5. I have to admit that I rushed into things with my two. It was only a couple of months and we moved in to his place. It could have been the worst thing I did... luckily I dont' have those problems.... as such.
Your child is 4... ok, a very vulnerable age. A very very impressionable age and an age that she/he will demand the start of his/her own independance in the world. If you new man does not have children yet, he will not know how to deal with these things.... I know. My dh has children but hasn't been with them for such a long time. He sees them but he has no idea how to deal with my own two at times. He lost touch with being a father.
Always keep the father in the picture about your child. Maintain contact as often as poss. It is really important that their relationship doesn't falter.
I dont' know the situ and I have no need to. You have your reasons and I respect that. There are always more than one person involved and the priority is your happiness. But dont forget the others... your youngster, your dh and your new man.
The question you must keep asking yourself is How are they going to react to this new life.
{{Hugs}}

It's the guilt/hurt worry that has stopped me leaving before now and I AM scared of it. But as I have found out these last months it isn't a basis for a relationship either. If I stay, it has to be because I decided not because I was scared to leave.

My other man has met my child a few times but quite sort of casually and she wouldn't know who he was/that he was important. The one time she met him for a longer time (just before i tried to leave once before), they got on amazingly well especially as normally she isn't that keen on men but he's a very gentle person and she was quite willing to go off and play with him where she would normally cling to me. She kept asking why he isn't a daddy and doesn't he want a little girl just like her? I know one dinner isn't the same as asking her to move house but it felt like a good omen/good start!

That does sound good news. A girl of that age will always tell you how it is. From the mouths of babes. I have to say that it seems too soon from what I can tell. Examine the alternative possibilities of separation for a while.. Dh leaving for a while... or permanently if that is what you decide.
You can't go on as it is. Its either counselling or DIY.
{{{Hugs}}}

I don't think anyone's attacking you - I'm certainly not. Just urging caution and communication, esp as a child is involved. It's a HUGE adjustment to learn to live with a stepchild, and like having a baby, it's not something you can really know before it happens to you. It can of course, be utterly fantastic, but it's better IMO to take it slowly. That's all.

I'm actually really, really glad I have my stepdaughter btw, and would hate to be without her, but I won't pretend it was always absolutely straightforward. She had a bit of trouble adjusting too. We all got there in the end though, so don't think I'm a horrible doom merchant!