Dating a man who has a child

[KR1992]

So I'm 28 and new into the dating scene and I'm talking to a lovely man who has a two year old. He says the relationship with the Mother is good, they co parent and it works better that way. He see's his child every other weekend and two evenings in the week.

I'm not going to lie, I find it a bit daunting he has a child, and the child being so young too. I don't have children but I want children and he's made it clear he wants more in the future. However, I've never dated anyone who has children, so has anyone got any experience with this? Honestly, what is it like??

I'll give you my honest opinion. It's very hard but it also completely changes your life in good ways and bad.

I've been with my DP for 3 years and when I met him he had 2 children (5 and 14 months old) from a previous marriage. Like you I'd never had children, lived alone, was sociable went out all the time with friends, the only thing I was responsible for was a cat... Then it all changed.

I completely fell head over heels Inlove with him, and his 2 children. In my case his ex wife was very difficult and still to this day can be especially where co-parenting is concerned, but as long as you go into the relationship understanding that the children/child comes first then you'll be OK. We've never had a holiday together, mainly due to lack of money, never had romantic weekends away, it can be very frustrating when him and the ex are at loggerheads over the kids and arguing.. BUT on the other hand, they bring so much to your life. It's like at the beginning your a bit like "hmm I feel like I've just been plonked in the middle of a ready-made family. He's already been there, done that and got the t-shirt... Am I ready for this? Why do I feel like I'm intruding? Etc.. ' but it's a huge adjustment to both your life and thiers when you date a man with a child.

Fast forward 3 years we've just had a baby. I get on great with his kids, they're here 50% of the week... At times I do miss my old life.. The not having to think about anyone else but myself...not having to tidy up, clean, cook for 3 other people... At times you can feel resentful, confused, a little bit bitter.. Its like a huge bag of emotions.. And then other times you feel so grateful and blessed that you get to be apart of these peoples lives.

I think it all depends what kind of man you're dating, how he treats the mother of his kids especially.. And how strong you are to be in it for the long haul. It's tough but rewarding.

Also, side note, never put yourself in the childcare role like I did... I would look after his kids all the time on my days off or after I'd finished work and he was at work and his ex was at work and they struggled to find someone to watch the kids.. So I offered.. And I quickly became the free babysitter/girlfriend instead of making clear boundaries... That caused so much arguments later down the line...ones that we've worked for. But it's important to JUST be the girlfriend and nothing else for a while... Otherwise you just start to feel used and get fed up real quick.

I know your just talking at the moment.. But if it becomes serious its good to know these things in advance.

@Makeitadouble1 is spot on.

His child must come first and that is something you have to take on. You won't have the 'freedom' two childless individuals have when dating, to do spontaneous things (maybe ok in the times when he doesn't have his DC). If the relationship with the mother of his child is amicable, then that's even better. Has he talked about why his relationship with his ex finished, with a child so young?

There are some things you have to accept may never happen, weekends away etc without his child, not being able to do things at the drop of a hat, not being the centre of his attention as you would if he didn’t have a little one etc.

If you go on and have children together you have to mesh more to his parenting style as you can’t have two children in the same home with vastly different rules etc. N amount of his income always being ringfenced for maintenance, clothes, holidays etc. Always needing to provide his little one with a bedroom etc. Accepting that his child may live with you fulltime in the future and that this wouldn’t end when they turned 18.

Days out have to be family friendly, we’re at petting zoos etc rather than going to a bar, nice restaurant etc. Holidays mean child friendly resort, not going out after 8pm etc. Even things like not being able to have a long lay in together in the morning.

I have a five year old, my boyfriend moved in in March, he has a brother a similar age to my son who stay with my boyfriend for 2-3 weeks at a time in the holidays, so he had a fair idea what a child of that age is like. But living together has been an eye opener for him and he did struggle at first, moving in with a partner should be exciting, when theres a young child involved it is completely different. He has had to slot into our routine, which can be really heard.

I know I sound very negative, but there are a lot of things to consider, you have to be honest with yourself and discuss everything properly.

I asked him why did he break up with this child's mum and he said it just wasn't working and they get along better as friends now.

Should I ask him for more details of why it didn't work?

I wouldn’t get involved with someone who has children if I didn’t have any.

You're only 28. Seriously if you have a choice not to get involved with a man with children, don't do it. You'll hear nice stories and awful stories but you have little control over which way your story will go. There are a good proportion of mothers who will turn on you or the kids father if they struggle seeing you getting on well with their DC. Likewise there are a good proportion of fathers who are actually Disney dads when you take a closer look, or who will let you slip into helping provide childcare (which you will inevitably do in your eagerness to make a good impression to the children). By the time you find out any of these scenarios you'll be in too deep emotionally to walk away. 100% not worth the risk unless you're dating someone you have history with already.

Disclaimer - it's different when talking about stepdad vs stepmum roles. Mums tend to be the main carer for DC in most types of family set ups therefore when a stepdad moves in they're very rarely expected to do the bulk of the family shopping, cooking, laundry etc in the way that women are, especially if you go on to have your own DC together. Of course as a woman you can refuse but be prepared to be judged VERY harshly for being cold or unwelcoming to your DSC because you're not stepping into the default caring role assigned to women despite it being BS sexism.

I would think twice about it.

The child, quite rightly, will always be more important than you.
The child's mother will always be part of his life - even after the child has grown up, she will still be the mother of his child.

No way José

Ah thanks everyone
I might have to give him a miss lol
I like being number one and you're right I'm only young.

I dated a man who had 50/50 custody of a child and it put me off doing it again. The bulk of the reasons were his fault but be prepared for the child (understandably) not being ready to share their daddy.
When online dating again, I was at a time if my life when I needed to be first and foremost in someone's life. That, correctly so, would never happen with children involved. Please think what you want & need from this relationship and be prepared to be continually reminded of your place in it x

I might have to give him a miss lol grin
I like being number one and you're right I'm only young.

Tbh I think you're right.

It's a lot to take on.

I'm also very suspicious now about men who've broken up with the mother of their children, small children especially. They'll always say they weren't getting on or something neutral but as you get to know then you'll see what that really meant, which is often that they are a dickhead. Very very few mums of young kids split with their partner/the dad when they're a decent partner/dad .. and likewise v few decent men would leave her in those circumstances. The psycho bitch thing is always rolled out but how many women are really like that, compared to last, cheating, manchild, irresponsible men?)

My ex had two DC 4 & 2. We lived together for 7 years. I didn’t want DC and didn't particularly enjoy being around children. I did however decorate their room and made it lovely for them. He had them EOW and every Wed. I would leave them to have a Dad only day and the other day we usually did something all together. He did all the parenting and as he was a decent bloke, did all that naturally anyway. I would read to them and they were lovely kids, so it wasn’t a chore. Years later one of them got in touch to say that they remembered me and thought
I was lovely to them, which was nice, I must have done something right! I think giving them time together without me around was good for their relationship (and my headspace). I also did separate presents from me (Mum and Dad did together) and the one whose birthday it wasn’t, also got a token gift so they weren’t left out.

I have friends who have successfully and happily got into relationships with men with children but they were both older (mid-late 30's). One then had her own child with her partner but the other had to accept that her partner didn't want any more children and let go of her dream of having her own to be with him and his kids.

My exh had an affair with someone your age (we were both 40 at the time) and although I assume it was all fun to start with, the relationship eventually ended because she was 28, child-free (presumably wanted some at some point) and could do what she liked when she liked whereas my ex had our 2 dc 40% of the time, had had the snip, had to pay towards a mortgage and his own rent and didn't have the time or money to be spontaneous with her. Maybe she should have posted on here before getting involved in breaking up a family to understand the realities of getting involved with a man with children at her age but there you go. Doubt she'll make that mistake again.

Yeah that's thing I wouldn't want to be involved with the child, as in doing thing for the child etc. We get along so well but I don't think I'm prepared to take on all of that lol

I think if you're doubting it then don't do it.

It's not fair on anyone, especially the child, for you to get involved when you're not 100% in it.

Yeah that's thing I wouldn't want to be involved with the child, as in doing thing for the child etc.

In that case it would be 100% the wrong decision for you to date a man with DC, for the sake of those DC let alone you! Like I said in an ideal world the dad would continue to do all the child related chores but in reality it would take a seriously cold, hard person to be able to stand back and disengage from the DC's needs entirely.

Unfortunately you don't just take on the child, you take on the child's Mother and her family too. My DH has two families, his family with me and DSD and her family. PIL spend a lot of time with DSD and her family, much more time than they spend with us. They've made it perfectly clear they wish DH and his ex were still together.

You can still go on holiday without your partners child, we've done it loads of times. We go out of season during term time, DSD understands she can't come because she has to go to school and her Mother will get a fine if she doesn't. But except to be bottom of the list on Christmas Day, Easter weekend, other special event days. Expect your plans to be cancelled at the last minute because the ex needs a babysitter so she can go out somewhere. The child won't be a little angel all the time.

It takes two people to mess up a relationship, don't listen to any man who blames his ex entirely and claims to be innocent in the whole thing. I can see why DH's ex left but it took a few years to see why!

You are young enough to find someone that doesn't have baggage and if I were you I would run for the hills and find that person!

I would not date someone with a child. Unless their child was now an adult. I would not want the responsibility of being a step-parent.

Yeah I'm also talking to a another lovely man who has an 19 year old. I wonder if that would be any different?

"Yeah I'm also talking to a another lovely man who has an 19 year old. I wonder if that would be any different?"

What could possibly go wrong there?🤔

Before I was married, it was a total deal breaker for me. I simply didn't want to deal with all that baggage.

Yeah I'm also talking to a another lovely man who has an 19 year old. I wonder if that would be any different?

I think it could be 100x worse, actually.

Yeah I know what you mean Aqua, I also don't want to deal with baggage to be honest.
I have no baggage so I suppose I need to stick with the ones who don't have kids, I don't want to be at the bottom of the list lol

I'd wonder why he isn't with the child's mum when the child is so young - no staying power? My ex cheated on me from the moment our daughter was born, in front of me to rub it in my face, for 3 months. It broke me. I left, they ended up together and split 6 months later. I was the love of his life before our child was born... but I'm sure he'd never admit that to someone because no normal woman would date a man who does that to someone.

After my experience, I try to avoid single dads of young children. I look at them and see weasels who gave up on their family, their child. I know that's not always the case, but I'm not taking the risk on an potentially unreliable man.