Dating a man who has a child

[KR1992]

So I'm 28 and new into the dating scene and I'm talking to a lovely man who has a two year old. He says the relationship with the Mother is good, they co parent and it works better that way. He see's his child every other weekend and two evenings in the week.

I'm not going to lie, I find it a bit daunting he has a child, and the child being so young too. I don't have children but I want children and he's made it clear he wants more in the future. However, I've never dated anyone who has children, so has anyone got any experience with this? Honestly, what is it like??

It's a no from me. Never again. Dated someone with a child for 7 years. Got to know the child, looked after the child frequently as he had sole custody. When the relationship broke down (my decision to split) lost contact with the child completely as not appropriate or possible to keep in contact with the child.

At 28 I think you need to be open to the idea that a lot of people will have a child by that age and as you get older the chances of meeting someone with no children will decrease. However it’s not for you that’s totally fine.

I wouldn't date a man with kids at 28. You have the ability to find a man without the baggage.

Very very few mums of young kids split with their partner/the dad when they're a decent partner/dad

This is exactly what I was going to say. Couldn't agree more.

Would people give the same advice to a man asking whether to date a woman who has a child?

No I wouldn't give the same advice to a man, because I don't see a father's relationship as being the same as a mother's relationship with the child.

I would advise caution, but not to the same degree.

I know I was in shock when he told how young his child was. I asked him if he would consider trying again with his child's Mum because the child is still only young but he kept insisting it wouldn't work, they both decided that co parenting has been better for the child.
Sorry that happened to you RLE0M , that must have been horrible to be cheated on. I agree you should definitely only get involved with someone who you know will be reliable, I don't blame you for how you think. I think anyone who got cheated on after have a baby would be traumatised.

That's interesting Cherry. I'd never thought about that. When the relationship fails, having to stop contact with the child. That sounds a nightmare, breakups are hard enough.

I think I've had a lucky escape coming on here. Thanks guys

When I met DH he was a single parent with two teenagers, i was 20 and had no children. I'll be honest, I felt a bit intimidated at first but the boys were really easy and just wanted their dad to be happy. The younger one had never known his parents together (his mum left when he was a baby) and had only known his dad to be alone. The older one was closer in age to me and remembered his mum being at home, but not clearly. I met their mum quite early on, she had remarried and while she only had supervised contacts (until DSS2 was 15) she was OK with me being part of their lives and while she could have been difficult she wasn't, beyond telling me exactly why she left DH (he was boring). In fact she was very kind to me when I was pregnant and then when DS was a newborn.

What I found difficult was the expectation that I would become the younger one's mother figure. That was his expectation, not DH's, and he wanted to have a mum go to his parents evenings and karate gradings like his friends. Looking back now it is quite sad that he never wanted his own mum there, he knew she wasn't allowed but never challenged this and introduced me to his teachers and friends as his stepmum even before I married DH. I felt a bit overwhelmed, but we are still close now 20 years later.

It is a different situation to you, as your boyfriend's children are so tiny, and the family dynamics more intertwined if he is co parenting. But it isn't always doom and gloom.

i met a man with a child, he’s the best man to ever walk the planet.

in fact i wish i could clone him so every woman on the planet so they could be with a decent man.

I sometimes wish I could go back and rethink my choices. Personally, I was very naive going into my relationship and I'm from a step family so had insight of my own!
My FH has a now 11 year old. In the beginning things were great, but I got pregnant very quickly and ex became bitter, overly involved trying to push her unwanted baby items on us saying 'son would like it if he had some of X's baby things there' 🤦🏻‍♀️
I never stopped or got involved in contact. They had a very loose visit schedule which meant I was dropped at short notice a lot in the early days. This was her asserting her dominance as 'baby mum' (I hate that term) and showing me she will and can always control his, and my, life.

We got the whole shebang - dad will love you less now there's a new baby, your dad won't give me the extra money I've asked for so you can't have X, if dad can't take you, you can't go. Manipulation to show dad in a negative light. I've had vile things said about me that have affected my mental health and mine and FH relationship has been rocky but it's better now.

I think as long as you go into it knowing you will always come at least 3rd, BM will have an element of control over your life and that you can accept Butlin's as your holiday destination for a while then you're good!

You can't help who you love but you can do research. Read some step mum blogs, join step parenting face book groups and get some insight into the best and worst possible scenarios.

It is hard. They always say the relationship with the mother is good. It might be but more often than not it turns Sour especially if he meets someone else. Issues like parent alienation, crippling child maintenance, often the child is poisoned against the step parent, Disney dad syndrome... Have a read through the step parenting threads and join some blended family groups on fb to get a taste of what you could be in for. Unless he's absolutely loaded I wouldn't at your age. You're still young enough to meet someone without children. I wouldn't agree to exclusive, keep dating others and put him in rotation, see if anything better comes along.

I think that it's ok if you already have children or if that person's children are a bit more grown up but otherwise it could be tricky.

I'd be more concerned about the fact they split when the child was so young. Jealous behaviour, domestic abuse, often happens only after a woman gets pregnant and ramps up when the child is born. I've come across this numerous times.

My ex was abusive to his ex. She left him when their daughter was 2.

I was oblivious. Thought he was wonderful. Until I got pregnant. The abuse started and I left him when our son was 3 months old. It came out after that he abused both of us.

I may be totally off the mark, but just be careful.

Take a look at the step parenting forum on here for an idea of what can go wrong, it's not pretty!

Honestly at 28 with none of your own I'd say don't bother.

You are so young! I think you should find a guy with no children.

Imagine when is your time to have kids. I think it's important to have all these first experiences together. He has already done it. This could put a dampner on your whole experience.

My advice, as a DSM....AVOID like the plague.

Run away right now.

Find someone with any baggage and you'll be a hell of a lot happier.

And, if mumsnet is a barometer of what it's like being with someone with an EW and kids I have it fairly easy as well! I choose not to get involved with EW. She's my DH's problem, he brought her to the party! He can deal with her.

I choose to get involved with the kids though.

@whateveryouneed I don't think it's necessarily a red flag. I met my dh when his child was fairly young. The mother had definitely duped him into getting her pregnant. I was very skeptical about this at the time but knowing what I know about her now I fully see it. I still think the op could find a better situation for herself though

@chubbyhotchoc absolutely I'm just advising to be careful as this COULD be the case. It very well may not be.

I wouldn’t date someone with DC OP.

Also imagine how you feel if you get together, bond with child and then break up after say 5 years. You lose that child. Potentially Don't get to ever see them again.

I'd not do it.

I think the fact dc is young is better for you. They are too young to feel resentment etc. I think it's easier to build a bind with a child who grows up with you. It's not true you can never have a weekend away etc as he has a feee weekend eow. From what you've written he sounds a good responsible dad which bodes well if you do want dc in future. I'd definitely not write someone off over this.