Partner wont accept dd is on the spectrum

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Hi everyone I'm a newbie so I hope I'm posting in the right place.. Apologies if I'm not.

I've had a gut feeling for a good year that my dd has Autism. Theres only 12 months between her and my ds. Dd is now 19 months and I noticed that she wasnt meeting her milestones like her brother (without comparing them) but I knew she was lagging behind.

I just had a telephone appointment with the pediatrician today (can't see dd face to face yet thanks to covid) but after a good 2hr phone call came to the conclusion that dd has what she called globally developmental delay and most likely on the spectrum. She's yet to meet her but going by my description of my daughters behaviour she seems sure. Whilst I did expect the news it hit me like a bomb. I sobbed all day and I'm still quite upset about it but I know to accept it. After explaining the telephone conversation to my partner he went nuts. Told me nothing is wrong with our dd and that she's just had too much screen time (which I shamefully agree) but still dont think that's why our daughter behaves or acts like she does. He told me the doctor is just trying to stay in a job by diagnosing our daughter with autism and had a massive go at me by saying I over reacted with what I told her etc. All I did was speak the truth.

I'm quite speechless by his reaction. He can clearly see dd is NOT doing the same things any other kid her age is doing.

I'm really upset by the news and his reaction and dont really know where to go with all of this.

I also need to make you aware this is not a normal relationship where I can openly talk and discuss things with my partner. I fully understand I'm in a controlling/ emotionally abusive relationship and hes a very difficult person to Express anything too. I really just need someone to talk to especially now

When you have small age gaps the older child often does regress if they don’t get enough quality time with parents. I bet you haven’t been half as involved in supporting her how to roll / crawl / cruise / walk as you have been with DS.

I think the pediatrician would have told you this. You certainly haven’t been given a diagnosis over the phone when they haven’t even seen her - I refuse to believe it - you must be mistaken.

Honestly you just need to get rid of the screen time, and start spending more quality one on one time with her. If she isn’t walking or talking ask your HV for strategies. I know people who haven’t talked until they were 3, or walked until they were 2, and most didn’t have a disorder.

Aquamarine,
Good point. Recent studies have shown that any screen time causes long term developmental delays in very young children
time.com/5514539/screen-time-children-brain/

@haba

Yes- just the one word at first, but he did speak at 5mo. It was a complete shock after our eldest did not say a single thing until 19mo, not even babbling. We tested him lots to check he wasn't just making noise!

Yes I did this too (mum said I could speak 3 words by 6 months) and DS is now actually calling me mama at 7 months. We tested this a lot - he only uses it when he’s calling me.

HV said it’s normal when kids teeth early.

What kind of quack doctor diagnosis autism at 19 months, never mind never actually meeting the child?

I would be furious if a paediatrician diagnosed my young toddler with 2 life long developmental conditions after speaking to my dh on the phone, and no triangulation with other professionals.
Have you misinterpreted the conversation with dr, were they talking about possibilities rather than diagnosis?

I'd be thinking you either misinterpreted what the paed actually said, or that's a shit paed that needs complaining about.

During my initial appointment with a paediatrician, she told me it was highly likely that my son, then 11, was autistic and gave me lots of info pamphlets on ASD. At our next appointment with a different Paed he said no to ASD but that my son had ADHD. Fast forward two years we finally got an ASD diagnosis following a second opinion at Great Ormond street. I do know children who have been diagnosed very young but not without being seen. I suspect you had similar to me in that she expressed her opinion but it wasn't a diagnosis, that won't happen until she's assessed face to face. It's really common for one parent to fight a diagnosis. My best friends husband refused to allow his son to be diagnosed at three but has finally accepted it and he's been diagnosed aged 9. Agree with others regarding screen time and hearing/sight tests.

Hi everyone I'm sorry it's taking me so long to reply. Haven't touched my phone all day as I've had zero screens on and trying to work with daughter as much as I can.

ok theres so much to reply to here that I'm just going to write a lengthy reply for everyone to read.

Ok dd is 19 months. She has always been hard work and I found it really difficult with her as she barely slept and was always crying (I know thats what babies do) but I mean I rarely had time that she would be content at all and she was barely out of my arms.
She's never really made eye contact with me even as a baby when feeding her she would never look at me. It felt like we couldn't make a connection because of that.

Come 6 months she still wasnt sitting upright even when propped. But with a lot of work I eventually had her sitting up unaided by 9 months and thankfully she was actually walking for 12 months with a little help but I mean she's running and even jumping now so no concerns about any of that and her motor skills seem fine too. She can pick stuff up, move it from hand to hand etc stack cups.What she doesn't do is social skills or interaction. I can't get eye contact,except if I sing to her! Other than that she just looks past me. When I'm at her level for playing etc she wont sit to do anything with me like look at a book,play with a toy. She prefers to climb me and muck about but again no real eye contact. She just about responds to her name but it's not consistent and only started responding the odd time to her name about a month ago.
She doesn't want people kissing her. She'll give a cuggle very rarely and only on her terms.
From 12 months to 16 months she began pulling her hair out and left bald patches and she was eating it. I tried everything to get her to stop especially eating it as it was actually coming out in her nappy. Gp was afraid of it forming a hair ball in her stomach. Advised to cut her hair so she couldn't pull and distract her as much as possible from pulling. It was a horrendous time then eventually she stopped. But she still has a thing about hair. If she finds one of mine she'll pick it up and roll it through her fingers then try to eat it.
She doesn't show much attention when someone new comes into the room she'd rather do her own thing. So then grandparents keep asking why doesn't she want to know me, why isnt she responding when I call her etc?
Theres not much interaction with her other sibling.
Her sleep still isnt great I'm still in to her every 2-3 hours and it could take me over an 1hr to get her to sleep again.
She's not pointing for things or understanding anything or following to whatever I point at.
But the whole eye contact is where it's really getting me as its stopping a bond. I feel like I can't bond with her and her with me as theres no eye contact or connection. Yet if I sing a song to her she laughs and smiles and gives great eye contact.
She wont sit in the bath for me she has to stand. She keeps jumping up when I try to sit her down and theirs just no real affection from her.
She's also not saying a word other than babbling. No mama or dada.

Anyway this is everything that was spoke about in the phone call. Which is when the pediatrician said she's yet to meet my dd but in her opinion she was displaying gdd and with the whole eye contact issue suggested possibly on the spectrum. Then proceeded to say she was referring her for occupational therapy along with a host of other stuff. Wants to take bloods for a genetic test as well.
When she listed it all out it felt like a bomb hitting me. I genuinely wasnt expecting that I thought she was going to say it's way to early yet your dd still has a long way to go etc let's just wait and see approach. So you can imagine why I was a bit flabbergasted and to everyone referring to me "sobbing all day" please dont be so ignorant. I genuinely hadn't been expecting any of what was said back to me on that call and it obviously made me worry for my daughter.

As for screen time I hold my hands up and say I've used that as I crutch to help me with my two toddlers. I'm not proud of that and dont need anyone to tell me how utterly stupid that is. I'm not saying they've sat in front of a screen all day long but I have put cbeebies on in order to allow me to put dinner on or clean up the dishes. Otherwise I literally just screamed at by the two of them and find myself locked inside 2 rooms.... This is where my relationship comes into it. I'm not able to take my kids anywhere without getting an earful from my partner and him going completely nuts at me. He has serious issues due to sexual abuse when he was a teen he doesn't trust anyone with the kids and with covid it gives him another excuse for me to stay in the house otherwise I'll infect the kids etc. Parks open tomorrow I suggested that I was going to take them esp now as dd is walking and got a mouthful about how it's not safe to do that and I'm putting them at risk on purpose. We have a small park beside us that's barely used even before covid as theres a bigger one elsewhere in town that's more appealing so it was going to be quiet plus I want to get them outdoors and play as we dont have much of a garden for them. But no I can't do that!
I can't even take my own kids to have a cuppa in my mothers house because he doesn't trust my dad. I understand my partners past but to him every man is a threat to his kids. So my own dad isnt allowed to see his grandkids unless my partner is with us. I mean he doesn't even trust me to keep them safe. It's just got really hard to handle recently. My parents literally live a few doors down. They are my support network especially with the issues I'm facing with dd.

Mum wants to take my ds for an hr so I can have quality time each day with dd and I'm not allowed to do that. I know his behaviour is going to affect my children.

Back to my dd guys I'm just telling you what the pead said to me and I was just gobsmacked I really dont need judgement for over reacting etc. I didn't expect her to say any of that.

OP please make sure you tell the paediatrician about your husband abusing you and your children. Unfortunately they need to know about that because small children growing up in abusive homes can be delayed in their milestones. The answer is to remove the abuse, a diagnosis of autism will not solve the issue of a father who will not allow them to have relationships with other people.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but I'm not sure you're dealing with the right problem here. What is keeping you in this relationship despite it impacting your children so severely?

I don,t think the issue is if she has or hash,t got ASD. I think the problem is the way someone who has never even met your daughter makes a diagnoses based purely on what you say. (which for all she knows may or may not be true.).

@rvby thankyou... No I'm in total agreement that it's not a good environment at all for me or the kids especially if there perhaps is something with dd as hes already saying she wont be attending any of these appointments whatsoever.. So if she does actually need extra help he doesn't want her to have it as then that labels her!

Ah my relationship is really a whole other story. I'm seriously depressed and I feel the effect it's going to have on my kids. I know they sense the coldness between us when hes giving me the silent treatment and my ds loves and adores his granda. Every moment of the day he asks can we go see granda. Hes going to start to realise something isnt normal. Mammy has no friends, mammy is always in the house never gets to go anywhere, already been told I wont get to watch my son play football as he thinks I want to sleep with the other men that will be there (I've been accused multiple times none of which is true) just because I say hello to someone doesn't mean I'm flirting and wanting to get into bed with them....

No I can't allow my children to think their mum and dads relationship is normal and I need my energy to bring up my kids the best I can. He sucks the life out of me with accusations and bringing up past history etc blackmailing me.

@june2007 no I agree that's why I was totally shocked. She said she would know better once a face to face was done and even at that because of covid she can only assess my daughter for 15 mins rather than the usual 1 hr 30 mins... That's why the assessment was over the phone

So does everyone think this is total nonsense about what she's saying is wrong with dd??? What do yous make of her issues??

So does everyone think this is total nonsense about what she's saying is wrong with dd??? What do yous make of her issues??

Honestly sorry but I am siding with your hubby. I had a therapist tell me after meeting my daughter who was 12 at the time for a few sessions that she thought she had ASD. I had her assessed by a top high functioning ASD specialist - cost thousands. No ASD. My son was officially assessed and diagnosed borderline at 5 - which was part of the reason it added to my daugher’s case she was. But he was also assessed at 12 by the same very expensive but well respected ASD specialist and he doesn’t have it either. Stay very far away from anyone who tells you over the phone that a 19 month old is likely to have autism.

I think people who don,t know your child can not possibly comment on your child. Perhaps your child has picked up on your problems and that is effecting them, perhaps they are just little behind, perhaps they do have sad, how can we know. You need to contact your HV and discuss your probs with someone who has seen your child before and who can observe your child themselves.

I agree with others 19months is really young and the Dr doesn’t sound very good assuming over the phone based on what? How does your daughter behave OP what do you mean by this?

Sorry I just saw your long post. With the exception of the hair eating - my son had all those issues. Did not sleep through the night until he was 4.5 - also did not look me in the eye until 4.5 either. Cried all the time too. No pointing, no imaginative play, super fussy with food and only drank water (still does at 14). All reasons why it added to him being diagnosed borderline at 5. BUT it turns out his infant reflexes had not gone dormant - please google infant reflexes not going dormant. Once we got them dormant (with brushing and brain/movement is excerises) he basically started to lose his ASD traits.
I still remember the years of no sleep. I am sorry you must be exhausted.

I just read your full update!

Can you go stay with your parents, you all need to get out of that house. You all need to be safe. Your OH has issues which are very damaging to you and your children.

You take your children to your parents and ignore him.

He needs to either seek help for his trauma or you all go. This will damage you all long term.

Mines is a similar age and tbh never sits still and has a lot of the same things mentioned as your dc. Apart from the hair issue. I'm sure pica can be sign of anemia in children.

Atm, what is the priority? You sound very trapped and unhappy.

@ohnoherewego. I do. I feel very trapped and very isolated. People were complaining about when we were on lockdown not being able to get out, see the people they love etc. Lockdown made me realise my last 10 years with him has been no different to being in lockdown whatsoever. I've went through a lot with him, tried my best to help him through his issues. I've honestly been through hell throughout the years. But I never expected when I had kids with him that I wouldnt be allowed to take them to my own parents like every other mother can do. My mum is the only person I have left she's my rock and obviously is upset about partner suggesting my dad couldn't be trusted and how i dont have any freedom. She can see its unhealthy on the kids and shes helping me realise how bad this could be to them and affect them. I realise I need to leave I suppose I'm so afraid of being a single mum I'm afraid of being alone yet I also know I'm miserable with him. For God'sake I'm not even allowed to clean in my own home when the kids are in bed (which is the only time I get a chance to do anything) I disturb him watching tv and i might wake the kids. I really have no life in the slightest and I want my kids to grow up seeing the happy me and the actual person I am rather than the person I'm made to be! I hold my head down when I'm out with my partner in fear of being accused of something. I'm not allowed on social media. I mean it just goes on & on! And brings up my ex boyfriend from when I was only 15 years old because he thinks I still love him. Ffs it's never ending and I'm utterly exhausted. But the whole thing of being unable to see my family and hear my little boy ask to go for a walk with granda or play football with granda breaks my heart to pieces. I want them to be close to my mum and dad and I think hes making excuses so I can't have that support or somewhere to go with the kids. I think he envys that the kids are closer to my parents than his. I've also blackmail hanging over me when I leave him along with the things like you're not taking the kids etc and can you imagine if I do find someone new as a partner, they'll be deemed as sexual predators as well. I'm so scared of what I'm up against leaving. It makes me want to physically vomit even thinking about it.

thankyou @ittakestwo I'm hoping you're right... I mean if there was something I wouldnt love her any less but I'm just worried about school and the future etc. But I'm not gonna jump the car and think that far ahead. Like you said shes yet to be unseen face to face! I was hoping I was just gonna get told let's keep an eye on it so when I had all this stuff threw at me I just panicked and broke down

I think you need to stop concentrating on dd possibly having autism, and start urgently working out how you're going to leave this man op.

Your husbands abuse is WAY more dangerous to you and your dd, than any autism condition.

What's keeping you in this horrible situation?

Oh OP he is a controlling abusive man and this is no life for you or the DC. Please call Womens Aid and tell them what you’ve just written - if you have any chance to call without him hearing?