Partner wont accept dd is on the spectrum

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Hi everyone I'm a newbie so I hope I'm posting in the right place.. Apologies if I'm not.

I've had a gut feeling for a good year that my dd has Autism. Theres only 12 months between her and my ds. Dd is now 19 months and I noticed that she wasnt meeting her milestones like her brother (without comparing them) but I knew she was lagging behind.

I just had a telephone appointment with the pediatrician today (can't see dd face to face yet thanks to covid) but after a good 2hr phone call came to the conclusion that dd has what she called globally developmental delay and most likely on the spectrum. She's yet to meet her but going by my description of my daughters behaviour she seems sure. Whilst I did expect the news it hit me like a bomb. I sobbed all day and I'm still quite upset about it but I know to accept it. After explaining the telephone conversation to my partner he went nuts. Told me nothing is wrong with our dd and that she's just had too much screen time (which I shamefully agree) but still dont think that's why our daughter behaves or acts like she does. He told me the doctor is just trying to stay in a job by diagnosing our daughter with autism and had a massive go at me by saying I over reacted with what I told her etc. All I did was speak the truth.

I'm quite speechless by his reaction. He can clearly see dd is NOT doing the same things any other kid her age is doing.

I'm really upset by the news and his reaction and dont really know where to go with all of this.

I also need to make you aware this is not a normal relationship where I can openly talk and discuss things with my partner. I fully understand I'm in a controlling/ emotionally abusive relationship and hes a very difficult person to Express anything too. I really just need someone to talk to especially now

[littlerayofsunshine0]

@rvby I know, I'm just worried about my daughter. But with what I wrote about above with lockdown and feeling miserable plus now the thought of my daughter needing extra help and hes not understanding that has made me truly realise how dangerous it could be for me to keep them in a home like this.
Honestly I think I'd prefer a beating so other people could see there is abuse. Mine is silent and invisible. Everyone else thinks hes a lovely guy and will believe what hes gonna say about me. I know I'm gonna be accused of being a bad mother etc I'm just fearful of what I'll have to deal with. But it took me a long time to have my miracle toddlers and I need to protect them and put them first rather than my feelings. I'm just so scared of being alone yet I also know being alone will open me up to a better life with extra support as I can have friends and family again and the kids see normality. I'm just afraid of the unknown and also him meeting someone else and them playing mum to mum my kids.

[rvby]

It's very hard but I agree with you that the DC have to come first. Being alone is actually brilliant after you've been controlled for so long. And you have your mother? Won't she support you? Xx you just deserve so much more. Dont be afraid, life will go on after this man is a memory.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

I had the same (different issue ) when my son clearly had depression and anxiety
Mainly caused by my Ex
ex denied it , said I was making it up etc
Have a serious think OP as this is a big deal and you need a partner who will push for your DD and not deny it

I’m really sorry to hear this , sending you strength and HOPE x

[Lickmylegs0]

I have a 15 month DS, and I recently contacted my health visitor concerning his speech/language. I am comparing to his older DD. I can see DS shows far less interest in his toys, speech - but loves being outdoors, walking, running, balls - far more than she did. I was asked to fill out questionnaires which clearly show that he is not at his expected level. My instinct is just to monitor at this stage - and follow any guidance I am given. Even if - as he grows - he continues to need additional support I aim to see this as ‘him’. It’s not a ‘weakness’ - it’s a positive thing and part of his character, and something I will learn to support him with. He is an amazing little boy, I love him dearly. His DD is 9 now - excellent at languages - less interested in sport/gross motor activities. As for screen time - my daughter watched lots of CBeebies at a very young age - and I actually think it helped to develop her language skills. I think so long as screens are used in addition to lots of parental interaction, they are ok.

[puzzledpiece]

Regardless of whether your DD is in the spectrum or not, your partner is abusive. You need to be out of that relationship which is not supportive or loving.

[Lickmylegs0]

It sounds to me that you have had a greater reaction to the news, and your partner has under - reacted. Which is typical of me/my DP. It annoys me, but also helps me find a middle ground. However, I know - in terms of any health care support - it will be me instigating and working out what to do for the best.

[Lickmylegs0]

Sorry - I just reread that you feel your partner is abusive. I think you need to discuss his reaction with your health care worker. Or he/she should speak with him. If he is abusive, this is the biggest concern that you have - and the most worrying thing for your DD.

[whattimeisitrightnow]

It could even be possible that some of your daughter’s issues are caused by her father’s abuse and the tension he creates in the household. Children pick up on things like that: she will know that home isn’t a safe place and that you are unhappy. Not saying that’s your fault at all - it isn’t. But I echo other posters in saying that you need to take action now. This is no way to live.

[GhostOfMe]

How are you doing OP?

Your DH needs to get help. The fact he has underlying trauma doesn't make his treatment of you less abusive or less controlling. And meanwhile even if he's willing to seek help you and your children would be better off away from him, until and unless he can show you he has changed.

If DD needs specific help from OT or any other therapist I'd accept that. But right now the bigger issue is your DH behaviour and keeping your kids safe from the mental and emotional harm it could cause them.