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Original poster

Would this be a deal breaker for you?

45 replies

Rollercoasteride · 08/07/2020 20:28

I've previously posted about having one egg frozen. The last time we had IVF was over 4 years ago.

We are now in a financial position to do a frozen embryo transfer, we have DS (10).

The thing is hubby is adamant he doesn't want to do the transfer, he is past it with babies. He is 36.

I am so upset, it never occurred to me that we would never do the transfer. I accept it probably won't work, but couldn't live with the 'what if'.

Would this be a deal breaker for you?
I dont want to force him into it, yet I don't think I could move on from it. If we were still together, as I think I would always resent him.

OP posts:
BlueTide · 08/07/2020 22:37

Ah I really feel for you, this is so difficult. And yes I agree you may resent him for a long time, things like this are hard to move on from, and I feel you might find yourself thinking back to it time and again, and asking yourself why is what he wants taken priority whilst you've put what you want to the back?
Assuming you've had an in depth conversation/s with him?

ivykaty44 · 08/07/2020 22:45

Unfortunately there isn’t a compromise on this, it’s all or nothing

What was your choices when you started, what was your ideals then? Has dh changed his mind or not discussed?

ClaryFray · 08/07/2020 22:53

Frankly I'd do it with him or without him.

But I have my own fertility issues and my DH isn't supportive either

SoulofanAggron · 08/07/2020 22:58

Is it an egg or an embryo that's frozen? If it's an egg, it's your egg.

I think you'll regret it if you just give up your dreams and go with what he wants.

heynori · 08/07/2020 23:11

36 is so young still! What's his problem??

I have 2 frozen embryos and even though we are fairly sure we are done with our 2 DC we can't quite let go of those frozen embryos just yet... and my DH is 47!!

OhCaptain · 08/07/2020 23:14

Unfortunately I don’t think either of you is wrong here. But your lives may not be compatible anymore.

OhCaptain · 08/07/2020 23:16

36 is so young still! What's his problem??

That has nothing to do with it. He’s allowed to not want more children, just as OP is allowed to want more.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 08/07/2020 23:23

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here, you're both allowed to feel how you do about it.
I think no matter what you do, you're going to need some serious conversations and sometimes going to have to compromise/get past how they feel for the other.
I'm sorry.

Original poster
Rollercoasteride · 08/07/2020 23:34

Hi all, thanks for replying..sorry its not just an egg it's an embryo...which makes it harder.

Every year you need to pay storage fees to keep the embryo frozen, our fee is due September, so hence my discussion with him...many things have happened over the recent years with my health and my mum passing, plus money problems. We got through that, so I thought it was time we considered it as I am 37 at the end of the year.

His career has taken off over the recent years, turned quite corporate, old before his time.

We are definitely on different pages on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rollercoasteride · 08/07/2020 23:40

What's also pissed me off, is that I have waited years to do this and not been in a position to do so...but we can now, and he wont

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 09/07/2020 00:04

Do you legally need his permission to do it, as it's half his embryo or something? Or could you just say you're doing it, and do it? I suppose you might need his backing financially to do it. Sad

OhioOhioOhio · 09/07/2020 00:12

I'd do it

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 09/07/2020 00:19

@SoulofanAggron @OhioOhioOhio

You need consent from both parties

backseatcookers · 09/07/2020 00:21

36 is so young still! What's his problem??

Imagine saying this kind of thing to a woman...

He has just as much right as anyone to decide he doesn't want any more children.

OP equally has the right to decide it's a dealbreaker and end the relationship if so.

But flippantly asking 'what's his problem' due to his age is horrible and something I expect you wouldn't say to a woman even if she was 26 rather than 36 and so theoretically had more years of fertility ahead of her.

MuchTooTired · 09/07/2020 00:25

I’m in a similar situation to you, I’ve two embryos in the freezer that I’d love to use but dh has finally announced that he’s done. I’m pretty gutted and full of what ifs and curious to know who they’d be if I was lucky enough for them to stick but don’t think I’ll ever find out.

Whilst it’s horrible for me wanting more and knowing that they’re out there, it’s not a relationship dealbreaker for me. I couldn’t bring a child or two into the world if he wasn’t on board - we were so excited about our DTs but the baby stage has been killer on our relationship so I can’t imagine how it would be if only one of us wanted it. I wouldn’t have a baby if he wanted one and I didn’t, so I can’t expect him to do it for me (even though I know I’m the one who’ll carry and birth the baby!). I’d never do another round of ivf so babies with anyone else is out of the question, and I love my husband and family more than the concept of another baby so I’m trying to learn to live with the fact I’ll have no more children.

It’s shit and I do feel resentful, but I’m so grateful for the two I have and ultimately I know I can give them more time, love and resources if we have no more.

ivykaty44 · 09/07/2020 07:21

So his career taking off has that altered his mind on increasing his family? Is it due to him thinking he won’t have the time to spend with A baby?
Just trying to delve into his thought processing on this in a non judgmental way

Dozer · 09/07/2020 07:31

He’s not at all U to not, now, want to do this.

A compromise isn’t possible. The wishes of the person who doesn’t want a DC come first, which is hard for the other one. You’d be U to resent him.

There would be physical/health issues, time, financial costs, emotional strain, with low odds of having a baby, eg 15% or less?

Knowing that there’s one embryo left is hard. there are different ways to think about it. Vast majority of, sperm, And some embryos and fetuses do NOT become babies, eg I had recurrent miscarriages. It is sad. I found counselling (for me alone) useful.

Dozer · 09/07/2020 07:32

Most men wouldn’t consent to their ex ttc with an embryo.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/07/2020 07:54

I can completely understand why somebody who has a 10-year-old and is approaching a stage of life where they can have their life back, doesn’t want to be shackled down again with years of nappies and tantrums and poor sleep - it would be a dealbreaker for me if my partner felt otherwise.

But if you know you’ll always resent him for not doing it, you really only have the option of leaving, don’t you?

PicsInRed · 09/07/2020 08:03

You're young enough to have more egs frozen if you wish. I would attempt that, then decide whether I really wanted to be with a man who was now limiting your family size just as he is earning more and has become more successful. It's not a great omen and I would begin to detach and think about what you want for your future.

BurtsBeesKnees · 09/07/2020 08:38

I'm afraid his decision is as valid as yours. If he doesn't want more dc, then he shouldn't be pressurised into it. So if you did want to go ahead, then you'd have to accept that you do it alone, and the chance of it working aren't in your favour.

I really feel for you op as it's a lose lose situation for you. Even if you stay with him, you may find yourself resenting him and that impacts on your relationship

Dozer · 09/07/2020 15:51

Disagree that OP’s H not wanting a second DC is ‘not a good omen’. They just have different wishes.

Mamacute · 09/07/2020 16:10

For me, no it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker , seeing as we have a DC already. Then again, I’m not one for many kids.

ravenmum · 09/07/2020 16:11

So if you did want to go ahead, then you'd have to accept that you do it alone
She'd also have to do it with another person; using this embryo would mean her dh having another child, whether they were together or not.

If having another child is more important to you than staying with your husband, Roller, then that's how it is; you'll have to leave and try it with someone new.

GrannyBags · 09/07/2020 16:23

Op this is such a hard situation for you both. He has every right to say no, and you have every right to be unhappy with his views. I guess you have to decide if your husband and child are enough for you or if you are determined to have another baby. I always knew my son would be the only child I had and I do struggle with ‘what if’ from time to time. But most of the time I’m so happy with the family I have.
There is no right or wrong here. I think you need to discuss this further and both lay your cards on the table. Good luck Flowers