Would this be a deal breaker for you?

[Rollercoasteride]

I've previously posted about having one egg frozen. The last time we had IVF was over 4 years ago.

We are now in a financial position to do a frozen embryo transfer, we have DS (10).

The thing is hubby is adamant he doesn't want to do the transfer, he is past it with babies. He is 36.

I am so upset, it never occurred to me that we would never do the transfer. I accept it probably won't work, but couldn't live with the 'what if'.

Would this be a deal breaker for you?
I dont want to force him into it, yet I don't think I could move on from it. If we were still together, as I think I would always resent him.

I'm afraid it would be a deal-breaker for me, knowing that embryo was there waiting for a chance at life! It might not work, of course - the odds are against it - but that would be that and you'd feel you'd given it s chance.

Can he really look at his child and turn his back on an already-conceived sibling? It's not as if you're starting from scratch; the embryo exists!

O had years of infertility, so perhaps this gets to me more than it would to others, but this situation would break my heart and I wouldn't easily be able to forget and move on.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this dilemma, OP.

Thanks for your replies all. Its definitely made me think.

I was naughty and contacted the clinic by email on Monday, to find out what the current time scale for transfers and to gain more info...as due to covid, I thought, even if we did go ahead it might be next year...the clinic contacted me today to say it could be done in 8 weeks!

I would never go ahead without him being fully onboard with the idea...he would resent me...but I know I would resent him...so we are at a stale mate.

He said late last night, he wasn't sure what he wants, so think will just give him space for now and talk about it again in a few weeks.

Whatever you do, make sure that he cannot, in future, ever suggest that you "made" him do it. I know that might seem unlikely now. Just speaking from personal experience of my exh telling people that many, many years later - and he had not even told me he did not want a child.

Awful situation, I do feel for you, but if I were him, I wouldn't want another either, the thought of going back to years of baby and young child when you are well through it would be the deal breaker for me.

Of this was just a case of not wanting anymore children, I would say perfectly reasonable, and yes, he can change his mind whenever he wants, but the fact this is a frozen embryo must mean he was pretty on board with having another child at some point. I would be very disappointed if I went through the process of creating an embryo and paying for storage every year thinking one day it would be used to create another child, to my dp then saying he doesn't want they because his job is now more important. I see why you are so upset op. I think it would be a deal breaker for me.

He’s changed his mind - not at all U, for any reason, and his reasons sound strong given the circumstances OP has set out.

Presumably OP doesn’t have the option to ‘go it alone’: she couldn’t use this embryo without her H’s/ex’s consent, and even if she met someone else perhaps also has fertility issues.

A frozen embryo is not an “already conceived sibling” IMO. High proportion of embryos don’t become viable pregnancies, whether in IVF and traditional conception. Chances for IVF for OP’s age - 15% or less.

to my dp then saying he doesn't want they because his job is now more important

If a woman came on here and said she’d had her child then concentrated on getting her career to a good place, and someone tried to say she was U for not wanting another baby, there’d be hell to pay. And rightly so.

NOBODY should be having a child unless that child is 100% wanted. And EVERYONE is allowed to have as many or as few children as they want. Jesus!

It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me unless he has explicitly promised he’d go for it now and changed his mind. I understand both of your viewpoints but your relationship is important too.

I agree with this:

Whatever you do, make sure that he cannot, in future, ever suggest that you "made" him do it

I think you both need a good long chat together about what it would mean for you both, how it would affect you as a couple so it’s not a case of him versus you —him versus you doesn’t sound like a good foundation for a pregnancy.

When he's had his think and come to a conclusion, it will be your turn to think and reach your conclusion about whether you can live with his decision.

Experience of how family history gets rewritten by the principals prompts me to say, a final discussion about exactly how the decision was reached is very important.

Further down the track you don't want to hear "You made me do it, I never wanted another child," nor "Why didn't you push harder? You can't really have wanted another baby," or "I was not really consulted, it was your decision."

Any of those would be really toxic. And similarly, there will be things you can never say...

This is such a difficult situation, you don’t mention your age but I’m guessing mid 30s, can you have another year of storage and reassess, this is such a difficult year for everyone perhaps another year would make things less pressured.

Give him space. Tbh my youngest is 10 and I wouldn’t want to enter the baby stage again. Life has become so much easier, so I can see his POV here. Your view is also really understandable as I could see myself in your situation wanting to try as well. And now I’ve even confused myself!

@OhCaptain Jesus! I didn't say he couldn't change his mind, but as I did say, obviously at some point another child was very much in the plans, and now that has been cancelled so the op has every right to feel very upset by that. I like how you completely ignored the whole first part of my post though 😂

Thanks for all your replies.

I totally understand him saying he doesn't want a baby, sleepless nights etc. The main reason for my drive to do it now is, I am 36 soon 37 and I don't want to be in my 40s changing nappies. Saying that the transfer might not work, but we would never know unless we try.

Hubby got another promotion yesterday, he is young for the position...most are in there 50s at this level...I think he is old before his time.

I just want to make a decision, and move on what ever we decide

Would he think about counselling? Give you both the opportunity to air why you both want the things you want?
It might help articulate (and potentially get over) his disinclination or alternately helps you not resent him for making his decision?

I do feel for you, but if I were him, I wouldn't want another either, the thought of going back to years of baby and young child when you are well through it would be the deal breaker for me.

@Ulrikaka It's only about 8 years since they were in the phase, or less. He's 36, a lot of men have their first now.

I'm afraid I would have left someone who insisted on more children.
The urge not to have more is often just as strong as the urge to have more. It is incredibly tough going back to the baby stage when the first one is 10. All that new found freedom snatched away.
That would be a deal breaker for me.

@SometimesMaybe, yes I have mentioned counselling to him..but I dont really get a response. Even work has mentioned it to him or read a self help book (sometimes he comes across as arrogant, but doesn't mean it)

I would love counselling, we couldn't afford it when the last ivf failed. But we are in a position to do so.

He definitely struggles with emotions, I talk and just met with silence

@SoulofanAggron but he doesn't need to consider other men. He is in a happy place a baby would disrupt that. Change everything and cause hardship. He is entitled to say no.
OP needs to decide what she is willing to do.
But not having another baby won't change her already existing child's life.

Divorce sure as hell would.

His job told him to read a self help book because he’s arrogant?

@OhCaptain. In not so many words yes they did. Sometimes there is a fine line with confidence getting confused with arrogance...despite the job he does, he really struggles socially...I thought sometimes he was odd with me, but I have heard the way he is with people from work on the phone.

I wasn't sure if he was depressed because of what happened over the years, he blamed himself for the IVF