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Original poster

My bisexual husband

39 replies

Itsaboy83 · 08/07/2020 08:20

I need some help. When I met my husband he had such a horrible past with his sex life, said he had tried all sorts with everyone and anyone but then he proposed and we've been married over 10 years. In that time we have never discussed his sexual past at all. He knows it bugs me but recently my mental health has declined and I asked him outright if he is bisexual and he said yes but that he only wants me. I am not sure how to process it. I think I have been running away from this discussion for a long time. We have 4 kids, originally in my head I decided that I would leave if he wasn't straight but now that scenario has played out I just can't bring myself to leave. But I am so confused, I want to accept him but I just don't know how. Does anyone have any advice? I feel like I'm drowning in confusion.

OP posts:
lookatmememe · 08/07/2020 08:28

Before him, did you have a type? Eg big burly rugby players? Did you then find shorter men with bald heads attractive ? After all that you fall for a tall blond Swedish looking demigod ... so you marry to the tall swede ... then a rugby player walks past ... doesn't affect you as you have found your love . So in short doesn't matter what happened in the past. He chose you. Be happy and live your life.

Jakey056 · 09/07/2020 14:47

Why does it bug you?
what does it mean to you?
Why are you confused?
Why would you leave if he was not straight?
What is straight?

I'm asking these because I am a bisexual guy and I'm interested in what your answers are.

4amWitchingHour · 09/07/2020 15:01

What are you confused about? What bothers you about his sexual past? You say it's "horrible" - what does that mean?

I'm afraid I don't understand the problem with him being bisexual. I'm a woman who is attracted to men, but wouldn't have an issue if my DH was bi - commitment is commitment.

4amWitchingHour · 09/07/2020 15:03

Also you might get more answers if this is moved to the Relationships board - have reported to MNHQ for you

WeeMadArthur · 09/07/2020 15:03

I don’t believe it matters as long as he is faithful to you, does it? It’s in his past and you are together now.

GoshHashana · 09/07/2020 15:09

My DH is bisexual and I am too. It's never been a problem and I can't see why it ever would be.

Sairafina · 09/07/2020 15:10

As a bisexual woman married to a man I can tell you 100% that my sexual orientation has no impact on my marriage. Just because I am sexually attracted to both sexes, it doesn't mean that I am 'missing out' because I have chosen to be committed to one.

I am also intrigued to know why his sexuality 'bugs' you and would be a reason to leave an otherwise (seemingly) happy 10 year marriage.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 09/07/2020 15:11

My fiancé is bisexual. He was open about it from the beginning. At first my insecurities were bothered by it ('what if he leaves me for a man' type thoughts). But he's committed to me and wants to marry me so that's good enough.

BarbedBloom · 09/07/2020 15:35

I am bisexual and I am attracted to the person rather than the gender. I am very happily married and not interested in anyone else. I probably would also be considered to have had an interesting sexual past, but I doubt I am alone in that.

You need to explore your feelings and work out what is bothering you about this and what, if anything he can do about it. I suspect you are probably concerned that you aren't enough for him, which seems to be the worry a lot of people have with bisexual partners.

Sexually I have had good and bad sex with both men and women, but the key thing was I ended up with someone who cares about me enjoying myself and has tastes that overlap with mine. For example, someone still into very kinky sex probably isn't going to work long term with someone who prefers missionary with the lights off, but gender doesn't really come into that as much as preferances. I hope this makes some kind of sense.

Also, things we explored when younger don't necessarily reflect who we are now. I was very into polyamory back then, but now I am very monogomous.

ClaudiaWankleman · 09/07/2020 15:41

Why does being bisexual change anything? He hasn’t hurt you or your family.

Sugartitties · 09/07/2020 15:43

if he’s committed then what’s the problem?

Fanthorpe · 09/07/2020 15:46

Sounds more like you’re not communicating with one another very well rather than an issue over your husbands sexuality and past.

12frogsincoats · 09/07/2020 15:47

What is your issue? Being bisexual means you're attracted to both men and women. It doesn't mean you have to be shagging both men and women at all times and are incapable of being monogamous. This is a strange misconception I have seen quite a few times on mumsnet the internet

gamerchick · 09/07/2020 15:51

Everyone had a deal-breaker. I personally wouldn't be with a man who had slept other men. So I'm not with one. But a lot of people don't mind.

It doesn't mean they're a cheat though.

elephanthawk · 09/07/2020 15:58

Being bisexual has no baring on ones ability to remain faithful.

Why does it bother you?

hellsbellsmelons · 09/07/2020 16:01

I don't see a problem either.
If he is committed to you and your DC and is faithful, does it matter?
Each to their own though and if you can't reconcile this for yourself and it's affecting your MH then you need to make your plans to separate.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/07/2020 16:06

Isn't it only important that he's faithful?

Who my partner has slept with prior to me doesn't interest me as long as they are only sleeping with me now.

achillesratty · 09/07/2020 16:06

Why does the gender of the person he had sex with in the past matter? As long as he is faithful and committed to your relationship it none of your business.

This is your problem, not his.

Mumoblue · 09/07/2020 16:08

Why does it matter? You've been married over 10 years.

If you're having trouble with your mental health and respecting that your partner's sexual past exists I would suggest finding a therapist to help you through it.

Opentooffers · 09/07/2020 16:37

I think what might be helpful from a heterosexual pov to understand, is whether the acts being different are a factor or not in whether something is missed over time? If a person likes oral sex, but doesn't receive it from a current partner, they may chose not to continue with that person. If a man likes anal sex, but a current person does not, they might feel like something is missing, or they might not, and see the relationship as a whole is more important. It comes down then to some people need to express all or some aspects of their sexuality all the time, but some don't, whatever their orientation, and are happy that they have done so, but are now fulfilled enough being with the person they love. That's a personality type, so whether bi, straight or gay, you either as a person have to get all your likes satisfied, or you don't. You would only know what mindset a person has on this by asking them how they feel. You kind of have to find this bit out whatever relationship you are in. So, in short, what counts ultimately, is that they want to be with you. Nobody should pressure anyone to to anything they don't want to in the bedroom, I know I like freedom to move, so bondage would not do it for me. That's kind of how I see it, I'm open to others pov on it though.

Lozzerbmc · 19/07/2020 09:04

I dont think its important at all. You’ve been happily married for 10 years and have a family. Dont spoil it over something that is really not important an issue. He chose you...

PAND0RA · 19/07/2020 09:14

It’s ok for it to bug you, no one can tell you how to feel. But these are your feelings and not your husbands problem to fix. He’s done nothing wrong, hasn’t cheated on you or lied to you.

Please see a counsellor to help you work this through.

SeagoingSexpot · 19/07/2020 09:17

I'm bi. I'm also happily married. Only one of these factors - plus my personal moral compass, obviously - has any bearing on my likelihood of having sex with someone other than my spouse.

ukgift2016 · 19/07/2020 09:30

Why is it bugging you now? Makes no sense considering you have been together years and have 4 children together?

Personally, I would not be with a bisexual man but you knew from the start he had sex with men?

crankysaurus · 19/07/2020 09:39

I'd suggest someone's sexuality and their commitment to an individual are two separate things.

Are you doubting his commitment to you for some reason?

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