He pulled the "used nice guy card"

[peachesandoranges]

Hello all

For two years I have been in an up and down relationship that I had a lot of misgivings about, posted many times on here under different names, and a recent thread under the same name.

Well the long and short is today we had a text conversation where we basically called the relationship off (again) and he pulled the used nice guy card.

I previously posted about how sometimes he tried to do favours that I didn't ask for, sometimes I appreciated it, sometimes I didn't, how I always felt obligated by it though, and how at the beginning of the relationship he said a few times he was a "nice guy" (which I found weird) until I pointed out to him during arguments etc that nice guys wouldn't say such nasty things, and he stopped saying he was a nice guy randomly after that.

As soon as he said in his message "sometimes I feel like used" I was like god, this is sooo predictable.!!! Knew it. Standard response to me raising an issue, at last, the one clear textbook response that basically affirms my concerns!!! All those things he did for me, most I didn't ask for, well they came with expectations didn't they?! and when I didn't fulfil them (like wanting some time to myself over the past week, or not being his perfect little princess, as he used to call me, which always made me feel so goddamn patronised) well then he feels used, of course. Of course he fucking does!!

He doesn't have many friends, ones he does have, always seem to be people that can do special favours for him. I once asked, do you only make friends that can do things for you, he said, yes. Transactional. That is all it is for him.

This is just the tip of the iceberg with all our issues but when he sent that I just couldn't believe my eyes I had to post it.
Honestly it is soooo textbook! Am I right???Now I just have to have the strength to stay away from him once and for all and I really hope I can do it this time.

said a few times he was a "nice guy"
perfect little princess

He sounds naff and thick OP, and yes, manipulative. I suggest blocking hiim on everything now.

www.reddit.com/r/niceguys/

I think I wrote on your other thread that the guy I knew who did exactly the same (unwanted favours and offers of help which made me feel indebted to him) told me that he felt used when I dumped him!

I know! I know!

He said he felt like a "used doormat". He is a 6ft man (I am petite) with a temper who has often intimidated me in arguments. Doormat my fucking arse. I was the doormat, as I had started holding my tongue instead of raising things I didn't like, to avoid arguments. Pure nice guy syndrome and according to my therapist, he is also pretty childish and passive aggressive, for someone quite a lot older than me.

I am so done. Must stay strong and stay away for good!!!

@Headandheart yes I thought I remembered that, I tried to find your comment! Exactly the same, unbelievable. Hilarious really.

You know exactly what you're dealing with here.

What are you getting from staying in this relationship?

Do you want to?

He won't change; expecting him to is pointless and a waste of your time.

I remember your last thread. He's a waste of your time and energy. He's trying to make you feel guilty. You're not using him if you don't ask for many of the things he does - he does them of his own free will.

Do stay strong, otherwise you'll be back on here when he pisses you off again!

I changed my name since I posted on your other thread but your guy sounded exactly like mine. They don’t do the helping out for genuine reasons.

I am not staying in the relationship, I am well and truly done now I can assure you!

The things /favours he did anyway or offered to do weren't that big! Just making most dinners (because it was blatantly clear he always preferred me to go round to his and because it always seemed like he thought I would have some sort of food related accident), DIY stuff, almost insisting on things like insisting on giving me lifts, when I love walking.

In two years we went out on actual dates a handful times, I always paid at least half. Never went anywhere (one week away in England). Never did anything just stayed in and watched TV/movies. I was his little cute sex doll pure and simple and his favours were transactional. But he is the "used" one.

I agree @Headandheart. I had so many gut instincts from the beginning and there were so many potential red flags. Even though he was not texting me recently, which my therapist said seemed passive aggressive, he still out of the blue did another favour for me last night, which I had not asked for. Leaving me feeling obligated and somehow guilty once again.

When I tried to discuss some issues via text this evening his immediate reaction which often is what happens is let's just end it then, clearly not on the same wavelength (after he claimed he felt used).

I said fine I am done.

Block him. He sounds awful dont waste your time trying to figure it out anymore, sounds like you know exactly what you are dealing with. Better off without that in your life. Xx

Ooh, another case of the Posh Spice Paradox (which I learnt on another thread). That is, if you have to say it, that's because it isn't true.

In two years we went out on actual dates a handful times,

Ask yourself how it even got this far. Why would you settle for this? ^

I would block and move on. His behaviour sounds odd.

I don't know why I settled for it, probably because despite all my misgivings I did like him a lot. Also we live very close to one another so was hard to stay away but I really am done now. The discussion last night and little comments and things over the last week or two have just been the straw that broke the camel's back.

What he said about feeling used was just too predictable. And I never actually demanded anything of him. If he ventures into dating anybody else (doubt it, he was single for years before I moved near him, and me being so close was clearly an easy option for him) he will actually have to make more of an effort, to take them out and things, rather than just thinking oh I did some DIY or got her some food she didn't actually ask for or some other favour. He will be in for a shock.

Thank goodness OP.
We all said to dump and run.
Finally it's done.
Now block, ignore and delete him from your life.

Thank you @hellsbellsmelons two years of ups and downs and Mumsnet posts!!!

Those messages last night, that was it. At last despite all the other red flags and pretty nasty things said during arguments.

Gaslighting, negging, somewhat controlling Mr Nice Guy is out!

I just feel so good because I know I was out of his league anyway (this is why he started negging etc) but when I was with him I started to lose so much confidence in myself due to how he begged, patronised etc, I know I will get it back and deep down I am quite sure he will realise he won't manage to find someone like me again! Ha.

So I will really have to ignore any further attempts at contact, hoovering etc, including the potential of him turning up at my door due to being a neighbour (which he did do previously the one time I tried to break up with him before). Now I am stronger and this is the last time!!

I think I will miss moaning about him on here though!

Here are some of my other threads under a different name if anyone is bored and fancies a laugh/eye opener/lesson in "nice guys". There were probably more but these were the two worst ones from months ago, of course there was also another recent one under same name

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3830586-Are-these-red-flags-What-ones-have-you-had-beforr

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3829955-AIBU-to-not-like-boyfriend-showing-up-unannounced

Seriously this is the "used" Nice Guy I was dealing with. So many bad red flags including putting his hand over my mouth to stop me from talking during one of our earlier arguments. We had terrible arguments from the start! What an idiot I am but so glad that I finally feel strong enough to stay away.

@lottiegarbanzo, why do you call it the Posh Spice Paradox? Is she not posh? Or does she say she is something she isn't?

So I will really have to ignore any further attempts at contact, hoovering etc, including the potential of him turning up at my door due to being a neighbour (which he did do previously the one time I tried to break up with him before). Now I am stronger and this is the last time!!
My goodness that sounds very stalker-ish! Hope that's unlikely to happen again.

Also remember to secure any social media you have so he can't keep tabs on your life that way. And send any emails to your junk/spam folder as well as blocking him from your mobile and landline.

I've borrowed the term from someone else on here BeKind Posh Spice was definitely not posh at the time she performed with that stage name.

The point is that if you have to state a personal quality, that's because it isn't true. A truly posh person just is so, it's apparent in everything they do, it goes without saying. Likewise a truly good or kind or clever person would never have to say out loud that they are a 'kind person', a 'clever woman' or a 'good guy'. Everyone would know these things, by spending a bit of time with them. They feel the need to state it precisely because it isn't inherently obvious - because it's not true.

I think you're dating my ex lol, seriously word for word. But then again after I finished the relationship (it all went horribly wrong and turned from abusive to violent and needed police intervention)I discovered men like this are carbon copies of each other.
Do yourself a huge favour avoid the 'nice' guys, especially this one.

Why won't you just block him and be truly done with all this nonsense?

Thanks all. @aquamarine1029 yes it is all over now. I can block. But he also loves very very close to me so there is just the added complication of having to avoid him physically, so to speak. He gets on well with all the other neighbours (charming I suppose) so that is awkward but hey ho.

Well I have learnt a lot from this anyway. Trust my gut instincts, stay away from self proclaimed "nice guys" and honestly when we met I actually had planned on staying single for a very long time if not permanently (but that was steam rolled) so I am going to work on my boundaries and commit to staying single for some time.

I have had so many bad experiences (only one properly decent relationship but still got heartbroken) that I am really put off of men for the time being anyway. Just wanna focus on myself, friends, my new career.

It does sound like they are carbon copies @ALittleBitConfused1 ! That's why I couldn't believe he actually said the thing about feeling used, it is textbook response.

I am bracing myself for it to get nasty...the plan is just to avoid at all cost. Blocked on social media but I am honestly not sure about blocking on phone as I kind of want to be aware if he is trying to contact/harrass me due to him being so close and potential of him just turning up.