He pulled the "used nice guy card"

[peachesandoranges]

Hello all

For two years I have been in an up and down relationship that I had a lot of misgivings about, posted many times on here under different names, and a recent thread under the same name.

Well the long and short is today we had a text conversation where we basically called the relationship off (again) and he pulled the used nice guy card.

I previously posted about how sometimes he tried to do favours that I didn't ask for, sometimes I appreciated it, sometimes I didn't, how I always felt obligated by it though, and how at the beginning of the relationship he said a few times he was a "nice guy" (which I found weird) until I pointed out to him during arguments etc that nice guys wouldn't say such nasty things, and he stopped saying he was a nice guy randomly after that.

As soon as he said in his message "sometimes I feel like used" I was like god, this is sooo predictable.!!! Knew it. Standard response to me raising an issue, at last, the one clear textbook response that basically affirms my concerns!!! All those things he did for me, most I didn't ask for, well they came with expectations didn't they?! and when I didn't fulfil them (like wanting some time to myself over the past week, or not being his perfect little princess, as he used to call me, which always made me feel so goddamn patronised) well then he feels used, of course. Of course he fucking does!!

He doesn't have many friends, ones he does have, always seem to be people that can do special favours for him. I once asked, do you only make friends that can do things for you, he said, yes. Transactional. That is all it is for him.

This is just the tip of the iceberg with all our issues but when he sent that I just couldn't believe my eyes I had to post it.
Honestly it is soooo textbook! Am I right???Now I just have to have the strength to stay away from him once and for all and I really hope I can do it this time.

Thanks lottie.

Block him on everything and do not make any contact.

Now I am starting to feel guilty! And sad, as I did love him. But why!
God I need to work that through with my therapist and just stay away from him.

I think you do need to bloke him on the phone as well. Otherwise, he'll take this as you leaving the gate open for him to come back, and that you don't really mean you're done with him.

It isn't easy. I left my ex after a very long time together, and I spent the first few months trying to stop myself minimising his abuse. He called himeself a nice guy, too.

Thanks just have to ride it out I suppose. Have blocked on social media and WhatsApp, so he can't see me, and because it was the main platform used to chat but not on phone/text as I do really still want to be alerted to attempts to contact me if he tries going that route.

Shit I have just remembered he has a TV of mine. I only got it secondhand for £50 but still, and it's a good TV.

What do I do, forget about it? What if he uses it as an excuse to turn up at mine? If he messages first my immediate thinking is just one line reply "keep it" if he doesn't message first as he had been known to do, just don't answer door?

I guess it's better just to let the TV go but don't want it to be hanging over my head as a way to weasle back in

Let the TV go. If he shows up at your door with it, don't answer. He may leave it or he'll take it back, either way it's not worth speaking to him about. Resolve to cut him out completely, no matter what.

Block him on everything.

Heads up - Dont be surprised if you get a rambelling 'me, me, me' letter posted through your door in a few days. Or have mutual friends approach you to say he has been implying you are having a mental health crisis or some similar shit.

They all follow a textbook of sorts.
Hopefully this ones ego will be hurt by you blocking and he will just vanish. Best case scenario.

Ok, thanks, yes I am not too bothered about it. Suspect he will make an attempt in some way to give it back though.

When we broke up before and he knocked a few times and I didn't answer, later (when we unfortunately got back together) all he could focus on was how shit it felt that I didn't answer the door. Didn't consider how it might make me feel, didn't consider the fact I may not even have been at home (I was though). Just "oh it made me feel so bad that you didn't open the door", even though I turned up unannounced, even though we had broken up.

Block him, but not just on your phone, SM etc. You need to block him from your mind. Just look at how much headspace you're giving the tosser in this thread alone. You need to realise he is really not worth that. Visualise him as a shit and virtually flush him away.

I have previously struggled with depression, eating disorders and things. When I met him I was getting over a really big relationship and very very down about it and the complete change to my life. These issues have often been used in the relationship to blame arguments etc on. Yes I have certainly been up and down during the relationship, but I was fine in the prior relationship with previous ex, so suspect it has been actually a lot to do with this particular guy. He already told his "main" (only) friend that I have issues. So yes I know and expect that...

Whatever, I don't care. Whether I have a history of some issues or not, he has certainly not helped. I strongly believe he has his own issues but whereas he wanted me to see a therapist, he won't ever do anything about his things.

Haha yes @TooTrueToBeGood I know, I have given a huge amount of headspace over the past two years. Trying to understand all of the issues, arguments, weirdness. I know I just need to move on.

If you'd like to monitor who's at your door, whether you are home or not, maybe look into something like Ring video doorbell? There are various options. I'm sure you've seen it advertised on TV and you can read up on it online/on Amazon to see if it's something which might work for you.

Yes, or was thinking of outdoor camera. The place is pretty small so I normally know if someone is at the door and can see who it is, unfortunately it means sometimes they can see if I am at home as well!

Sounds like a twat with a side of narcissist. Look up the cycle of violence with a narcissistic. There's an extra step where they make themselves the victim and it described my ex DP perfectly.

Definitely block him on the phone too.
Keep yourself busy with other things.

Move if you have to.
No doubt his messed up behaviour contributes to your depression.

Thank you, I really don't want to move, as I like living here and can afford it.

It is a shame though as it has ruined it somewhat, moved here to get closure following the heartbreak of previous relationship breakup, and to get used to being alone, then wham met this one, he didn't even give me a chance to settle in he was on me straightaway.

I will try my best to stay here and not to move, just to show my stubbornness and independence and "I don't give a fuck now" attitude if nothing else. But I guess it partly depends on if he does anything bad over the next few weeks, months. I will try my bloody best.