Regretting a mesher order

[LuckyGem17]

I went through a divorce last year and went to court to sort the finances out. I couldn’t afford to buy my ex husband out of his share of the house which I wanted so I had a home for myself and our son. My solicitor told me to go for a mesher order saying its what the court would recommend anyway. I get minimal child maintenance payments as my ex doesn’t earn much and knowing it would be tight for me cover the mortgage payments and all the bills I stupidly agreed to a mesher order. One year on and I can’t believe how naive I was. I struggle every month to pay all the bills and mortgage. I will never be able to get a mortgage due to my poor credit rating and I’ve never had high paid jobs. My son is primary age so I work part time while he’s at school, I plan to go full time in a few years but will only be on minimum wage. I will end up in a rented house while my exh lives happily in his big house with his new girlfriend. How can the courts do this to women especially when children are involved! All I think about is the day I will have to leave and what I may end up in. The equity will be split 50 50 when it is sold but it won’t be enough to buy a house. Has anyone got a mesher order and got any positive stories? Did anyone who sold the house regret not taking a mesher order? Can I go back to court and ask them to look at it again??

How long until you have to be out the house? When your son is 18? If so, surely your ex will be having to rent until then?

I was really being pushed in to this by MY solicitor when I was getting divorced 5 years ago but am much older than you, I would rather have sold than taken a Mesher. I don't think you can get out of it as you have your absolute and financial arrangements agreed at court. Maybe check to see if you can sell up now?

If it doesn’t work go back and change it. But see a solicitor.

All I can say is my friend really regrets it too. Her son is about to turn 18. The house will be sold, she can't afford to buy anywhere else as house prices have gone up. To be fair she hasn't saved or anything during this time, but she is now facing renting forever while her ex husband has a lovely home with his new wife and is facing a nice lump sum.

@RLEOM He owns a house with his girlfriend so he’s set for life while I have to rent once the house is sold

@BarbedBloom That is how I feel I don’t know how it can be allowed. He has a lovely big home now and I’ll end up homeless.

I don't really understand what you wanted instead? If you had to sell then you would have spent all your equity on rent until you were below the threshold to claim universal credit, assuming you are on uc?

I have a good ending from a mesher order arrangement. I was in a very similar position to you but in the years between finalising the order and the trigger event, I'd managed to eventually work full time and got a better paid job. In the end I was able to secure a high enough mortgage to buy my ex out of his share rather than have to sell and split proceeds. It can be done and it sounds like you have time on your side to upskill workwise to earn the higher salary needed.

There's also the potential claim on his pension if he has one? They can be done retrospectively I think.

And I'm afraid you'll just have to stop considering low paid work as an option. Re train. Do an internship. You won't get to be a SAHM or be part time - what you earn is up to you and you'll need to pay it proper attention. Do what you have to to get yourself into a better financial situation - his gf probably works full time which is how they can afford a house. You need to get on top of this and stop looking at the job market as something you have no control over.

I just needed a vent. If I’m honest I’m jealous. He has a house that I would of loved to live in and he’s sharing it with someone else when it could have been me. From what I know she works full time and is well paid. I’m really upset my house will be taken away if I can’t buy him out when the times comes to sell.

What sort of job do you have? Have you done a budget audit to see what bills you can reduce or remove? Just going through your direct debits could remove some unnecessary spending. Where do you do your food shopping - can you switch to Aldi/Lidl and save some money there? Do you have a car? If so can you swap to a cheaper one etc?

In other words, see what you can do to reduce spending in the short term to make life/paying the mortgage easier, and make plans for the longer term to upskill/retrain/get a better job in order to be able to buy him out at the trigger event.

I reduced my spending as much as possible but I still struggle. I sold my car last year and walk as much as I can. I get universal credit but still don’t enough for everything.

Go full time now .

It sounds like you needed him to afford a house to own. If each of you lived independently, it comes across that he would be able to afford a house somehow, but due to your low earnings, you wouldn’t.

Or perhaps he's able to buy a house as his GF is on a decent salary.

What do you think would have been a better option to go for?

Try not to think to far ahead as lots of things will change such as you could, when you have time, get better qualifications which will help you get a new better paid job. Also You may not think so now but you could meet someone and put your equity together and get a new happy home . I urge you not to think of your ex but direct your own life to one where your future is better protected . Also don't think you will be on your own forever most people arnt . I speak from experience here

How come the house was split 50/50 when from what you say your need is greater. I would have thought the split would go more in your favour?

A friend did this and crimped and saved for years while her boys grew up. Her ex husband is a great dad, and a reasonable man (-except for the affairs-). He extended the deal until the youngest finished uni, which gave her time to save almost enough to buy him out of the house. I lent her the remainder.
She was initially miffed at the low valuation of the house, feeling she had maintained it well, but realised this actually worked in her favour!

I bought my exP out of the house, at the time they would lend me enough. What I should of probably done was sold the house and given him half of the equity, 13 years on, always been strapped for cash, always worked full-time, and no, despite having the odd relationship here and there, I have still yet to meet anyone to share my life with - doesn't always happen. All I can say is its better than being with him was, and at least I'm alive still - unlike exP.

You cannot go back to court and change it, as some have suggested. He may be prepared to accept a lesser sum if you sell it earlier than provided for in the order, but see a solicitor about that.

I think you need to concentrate on retraining and taking control of your life. It is wasted energy and emotion thinking about your ex. Concentrate on you and your son.

Do you have a spare room that you can rent out, it's tax free up to a certain amount ?

At point of selling in future, downsize or move to a cheaper area ?

I agree, stop thinking about other people & concentrate on your future

My friend left a marriage with nothing and I mean nothing and eventually a small inheritance allowed her to buy a cottage near a tourist destination. So she used her artistic eye to decorate beautifully and rents the spare room on air bnb to overseas tourists. She was WFH so had time to be a great hostess and it's done well for her.

Being jealous us one thing, and you can learn to live with it but to move on, you need to accept the consequences of the choices you've made that has contributed and are the main reason for being in your situation.

You chose to stay in law paid job and not improve your career prospect before having a child. You chose to work PT and still choosing to do so. He's chosen to get with someone who chose a different path that means she has more money. There might be things you have that she is envious of too but doesn't have because if the choices she made.

It might not be too late depending on your age. Have you considered working FT whilst retraining, and studying evenings and weekends? Its not easy but perfectly feasible. I did it and it was all worth it.

Stop looking into your past and what you have had, look into the future and what you can achieve to get.

My dog walker now has three, yes three small flats abroad. He saved and saved and got the first. Rented it out on air bnb and then got a second. And now a small third. He has no income apart from dog walking which requires a van and no qualifications apart from a love of dogs.

He makes a ton of money looking after dogs whose owners are on hols - the going rate is £30 a night.

I will end up in a rented house while my exh lives happily in his big house with his new girlfriend
And just in that point, he might find himself in no better situation if she decides to dump him as she gets tired to support him.