‘Oooh, get you getting all the attention because you’re ill

[Cheesesconegone]

‘Ooh get you getting all the attention because you’re ill’

I need a transplant. Not sure when I’ll need dialysis but it’s scary and daunting and I’ve got no family other than DS (teen) who I don’t burden with this. Partner’s ‘friend’ says the above to me on my first social occasion in months - pre-lockdown. Her nose is out of joint because partner not running around after her. I even saw an email he sent her not long before that, telling her that I had to be his priority - not sure of context, it was just open on his laptop and I didn’t pry further. But I am now wondering why he’s explaining himself to her! And damn-it, I wish I’d snooped.

I didn’t say anything to him about her shitty dig at the time as I wanted to be diplomatic and not cause a scene or drama and to be honest, I thought he’d think I was overreacting - but I felt it was below the belt. Sat sober in a room full of people, trying to feel ‘normal’ and sociable, self-conscious as people keep asking me how I feel etc. Put on weight, anxious but doing my best. Pleasant enough night. I quietly sat at the edge of the room, hardly like I had a loud-hailer announcing my blood stats or karaoke belting tunes about survival!!

Of course, now the country is coming out of lockdown she’s badgering him again for a social.

And, their circle are starting to plan. Yesterday, I said I wasn’t keen to join, and calmly explained what she’d said to me - on top of the fact I’ve been shielded and don’t much fancy mixing when my kidney barely works. He said that what she’d said to me was a bit shit and he felt a bit awkward about responding to her her. But then he’s booked in a call with her today. Apparently he’s looking forward to a catch up and how the business is etc. No thought or mention of what she said. In fact, it’s almost like she’s never said it.

I think that’s at worst insensitive and at best plain fucking weird...I’d expect him to respond, and plan, but less than 24 hours after I tell him she said something pretty harsh? It was hard for me to tell him at all and it was a tough conversation to admit I felt really bad about how people now view me - like I’m no fun.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I being too sensitive? I’m pretty pissed off and feel like telling him to do one.

He has a few female friends that have behaved in similar ways towards me - saying stuff like this and I’m expected to let it slide off me. But this was suggesting I’m playing my illness to harbour my partner of four plus years’ attention. Ffs. That’s not normal for anyone to say, is it??

Name-changed. Semi-regular and this could be outing.

You need a transplant? Causing a scene is surely the least of your worries. I'd talk to him about it in the first instance because the most important thing is that he has your back, but I wouldn't shy away from explaining to these twats in no uncertain terms why you do indeed need some looking after, what could happen to you if you don't get it and how transplants are not a device for attention seeking, if that became necessary.

Obviously you're fragile and vulnerable on many levels right now, but if you can't have an honest and productive discussion with your partner about this, I'd rethink things because this is exactly when you need him the most. If he has your back with this shit, you may not need to talk to that barmy army as that is probably all you need. Has he?

You're not being sensitive at all. What she said was absolutely awful and you have every reason to be upset.

She sounds jealous and I would be concerned about their relationship.

Your partner should always have your back OP. I'm really sorry to hear about your illness and hope it gets sorted soon.

No advice about this but I have kidney failure too, eGFR around 20. It’s shit, a weird mix of physical illness and mental torture waiting for it to all kick off.

You will need to be strong for what is to come, you need to be strong now, you certainly don’t need to be worrying about shit like this!!
Try to just be confident you are your partners priority, don’t waste time on the friend, sounds like a weird dynamic anyway.

@ShebaShimmyShake

You need a transplant? Causing a scene is surely the least of your worries. I'd talk to him about it in the first instance because the most important thing is that he has your back, but I wouldn't shy away from explaining to these twats in no uncertain terms why you do indeed need some looking after, what could happen to you if you don't get it and how transplants are not a device for attention seeking, if that became necessary.

Obviously you're fragile and vulnerable on many levels right now, but if you can't have an honest and productive discussion with your partner about this, I'd rethink things because this is exactly when you need him the most. If he has your back with this shit, you may not need to talk to that barmy army as that is probably all you need. Has he?

Thanks, I know, right? I should’ve shot her straight down really. I don’t think he has my back, no.

Because I had a proper rage at him for glossing, again and acting like my feelings on this don’t matter - he’s being pretty shitty in response.

She’s his friend of over 20 years so clearly has the right to talk to me however she wants and it’s no problem.

I can’t help thinking he’s taken her statement as a sign that she’s pissed off and wants his attention, so he’s going to comply. I think it says there’s more in this than there should be.

And that sucks. I already do feel pretty low.

@namechange12a

You're not being sensitive at all. What she said was absolutely awful and you have every reason to be upset.

She sounds jealous and I would be concerned about their relationship.

Your partner should always have your back OP. I'm really sorry to hear about your illness and hope it gets sorted soon.

Thanks Namechange. Glad it’s not just me thinking this was a shitty thing to say.

You should have said something at the time. Stand up for yourself, you shouldn't rely on anyone else. Make it clear to your partner than you are not happy that he is acting like this woman hasn't insulted you and next time you would like him to back you up, but YOU need to call her out on it first.

@SandysMam

No advice about this but I have kidney failure too, eGFR around 20. It’s shit, a weird mix of physical illness and mental torture waiting for it to all kick off. You will need to be strong for what is to come, you need to be strong now, you certainly don’t need to be worrying about shit like this!! Try to just be confident you are your partners priority, don’t waste time on the friend, sounds like a weird dynamic anyway.

Thanks Sandysmam. My last GFR was 16. 18 months ago, 21. All tests have been on hold so of course, I’m a bit worried for my latest bloods. I’m getting nearer to the 12% and dialysis.

I really don’t need this. But navigating a break-up because of this witch is pretty tough to take. One of life’s spoilers. I just want peace and quiet and a bit of support wouldn’t go amiss.

I’m not his priority today! Even if he’d waited until tomorrow I’d have felt slightly better about it. But getting straight in there!!! He’s just indignant and I’m out of order for being pissed off. Apparently!

He has a few female friends that have behaved in similar ways towards me - saying stuff like this and I’m expected to let it slide off me.

The thing is, he’s the common denominator here. So is he choosing his friends poorly, or doing something to encourage strange behaviour and a weird dynamic?

OTOH, I know from experience that when you’re n the middle of long term health struggles, you don’t necessarily have the energy to tackle things full frontal.

Maybe the best compromise is just to agree some kind of boundary with him? Or at least to point out you expect a certain degree of loyalty from a partner? Just say it gently and then keep an eye?

Go and join him! Sit right next to him and STARE until he confronts her.

Or make up something to get him off the phone then lay down the law. Do not let her just click her fingers and get his attention away from you, after her behaviour! Defend yourself!

Why is he running around after his friend?
I would have called her out for having a strop about this, and asking her what was wrong with her that she's incapable of doing her own stuff for 20 years,

@Pipandmum

You should have said something at the time. Stand up for yourself, you shouldn't rely on anyone else. Make it clear to your partner than you are not happy that he is acting like this woman hasn't insulted you and next time you would like him to back you up, but YOU need to call her out on it first.

Thanks Pipandmum. I did think about it. But I was a bit shocked by it and to be honest, a few of his female mates are like this to me and try to undermine me. They’re the ones who’ve been single for ages and relied on him for constant attention while he was single. But they’ve been intrusive and at times, bitchy and rude. I’ve just annoyed them more by not reacting to it and they don’t get the play off they want. But, this is a new level and my health isn’t a game. I had hoped he’d just be good about it and back me. He didn’t he rushed to put in a call with her.

It feels pretty lousy.

Op shouldn't have to point out anything to him about where his loyalties are.
What redeeming qualities does he have?

I have male friends spanning decades. I've never asked any of them to run around after me. The only males I do that with is if I'm playing the needy woman cos the bloke is falling for it and I'm interested.

His mail to her explaining how you now had to be his priority, suggests that she once was, or at least felt she should be. It sounds like he was dumping her. This would go some way towards her shitty attitude and comments.

Obviously, I am only a random online stranger and I might be way off, but that’s how it sounds.

Time to start digging, OP, sorry.

Sorry you're facing this and I hope you find a match asap. You deserve so much better than this guy. Obviously it's your call to keep him around or not, but I wouldn't be going out of my way to do anything for him in the mean time.

It might be something he feels more comfortable addressing with her in person.

This is a scenario I can imagine being in. I wouldn't say anything via message or on the phone but I would agree to meet with a view to raising it then.

He might want to gauge her response and make a decision based upon that.

Having said that, the only time I've told a man that a boyfriend is a priority is when am debuting advances but can't cut contact for some reason. Or am trying to preserve a 'friendship' (I know, I know, not a friend if they need telling but real life isnt always as cut and dry as it is on MN )

Has anyone pointed you in the direction of any other support? Groups or forums?

@ArriettyJones

He has a few female friends that have behaved in similar ways towards me - saying stuff like this and I’m expected to let it slide off me.

The thing is, he’s the common denominator here. So is he choosing his friends poorly, or doing something to encourage strange behaviour and a weird dynamic?

OTOH, I know from experience that when you’re n the middle of long term health struggles, you don’t necessarily have the energy to tackle things full frontal.

Maybe the best compromise is just to agree some kind of boundary with him? Or at least to point out you expect a certain degree of loyalty from a partner? Just say it gently and then keep an eye?

Sorry, don’t know how to chop the quote and reply proper!!

I think he does things to encourage the strange dynamic. I’ve asked him why he thinks he has a long string of emotionally demanding female friends - all with similar tricks! Two have them have pulled the same stunt of trying to involve him in job applications and writing CVs. Very odd. As he started to withdraw as our relationship strengthened - both pulled this crap out of the bag, that though they’re more senior in their roles than him, they couldn’t possibly manage a job application without him. Text messages asking for work contacts at 11:30pm on a Saturday night while we’re on a date. And work updates about booking irrelevant travel at 10:30am on a Sunday morning. Phone calls about a work issue (not his) at 4:30pm on a Saturday afternoon. They all work Mon to Fri, standard.

The same two muppets start laying on emotional blackmail about how they’re in danger of losing their friendship if he doesn’t reply to them for a couple of days.

One of them sent shitty texts for weeks as I asked him to withdraw from her or I’d be leaving him. I was sick of the intrusion and him sloping off to the loo to respond to her every time we we’re out to dinner. So he didn’t respond for a week and the bile trying to emotionally blackmail a response out of him got worse. It definitely wasn’t normal. He had asked her nicely to respect our space and she ignored that too. He had the temerity some time later to say he felt bad for the poor woman as she’d been cut off! Oh and this was a woman who he’d trashed a previous relationship with.

I have no idea what gives them the idea this is normal or appropriate and I’ve had many conversations about why I don’t find this appropriate. And you know I get told I’m unreasonable, I’m jealous, I’m possessive in return. He’s apparently not allowed female friends. And yet he has several female friends I get on really well with. They don’t behave like fucking nutty stalkers.

Thank you. That’s really great to hear right now.

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter thank you. ^^ was meant for you.

I have no idea what gives them the idea this is normal or appropriate and I’ve had many conversations about why I don’t find this appropriate.

I’m sorry to say that I think he’s the one giving them the idea that it’s acceptable, appropriate behaviour.

And you know I get told I’m unreasonable, I’m jealous, I’m possessive in return. He’s apparently not allowed female friends. And yet he has several female friends I get on really well with. They don’t behave like fucking nutty stalkers.

I’m sorry he’s doing this to you when you could do with uncomplicated support.

How long have you been together? Did you say already?

@HereComesTheSummer
Having said that, the only time I've told a man that a boyfriend is a priority is when am debuting advances but can't cut contact for some reason. Or am trying to preserve a 'friendship' (I know, I know, not a friend if they need telling but real life isnt always as cut and dry as it is on MN wink)

Yes. I’ve thought exactly that. I just don’t need to explain basics to male friends as they respect I’m in a relationship. And I’d be giving a wide berth to any demanding my attention over my partner! Any harassing me while I was on a date would be ignored. They’d totally get i was on a date.

We get along quite well. But this is a huge problem.

And digs about my health - I thought that would be pretty straightforward for him to digest and do the right thing.

But it’s not. So, I’m going to be on my own with this for a while I guess. Eek. Still better than this fucking circus going on around me. I agree, it sounds like he was ending something.

There are some truly nasty individuals out there the last thing you need is someone like her.
I know its hard dealing with people like this when you have such health problems, but by saying nothing and not responding its almost like its ok for her to spiel this venom (it's really not!)
If it happens again be ready to have a firm response - what is that supposed to mean etc.
By exposing her true colours she will learn you will not tolerate those sort of remarks.
Your partner should have more loyalty though, I hope he understands how awful it made you feel.
I hope your op goes well and you recover soon

@ArriettyJones 4.5 years.

I thought I’d just keep rising above it. But I can’t really.

@Mintypylonsfryingsurplus thank you.

I should’ve done just that. I think I was caught off guard. I was pretty shocked anyone would say it at all.

@canigooutyet
The only males I do that with is if I'm playing the needy woman cos the bloke is falling for it and I'm interested.

This. This is what I fear is going on here.