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Relationships

Is this cheating

51 replies

MECmad · 07/07/2020 12:34

Please don't flame me. Here for genuine advice on what to do for the best for all parties involved.

Marriage has been drifting on for years, nearly split on a number of occasions but put the problems under the carpet & carried on. During shutdown, things came to a head & we agreed to separate. We (H) decided that we would not tell people (including the DC) until lockdown was over. Since then we have been living separately in the same house.

Since then, a new guy stated where I work. We get on really well and started swapping flirty text messages. I have been honest with him about the situation between me & H. Nothing else as happened although if it wasn't for lockdown I'm not sure that would be the case.

H has found out about the text messages and kicked off this morning. On the one hand he accepts that we had already agreed to split before the other man started work with me however H has accused me of cheating. I am concerned that he is now going to tell everyone we split as I cheated on him but I don't think that is the case - we had already agreed to split. I get that it probably doesn't look good that I've been texting someone else but we are not together.

I think H wants to come across as the victim in this and make me look the bad guy.

How do I handle this?

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suggestionsplease1 · 09/07/2020 16:45

@WakingUp55643

Sorry to jump on your post *@MECmad* but I have sort of a similar question. Myself and DH have had no physical relationship for almost 10 years, I told him at the end of last year that I have no romantic feelings for him, and never will. We've talked and not got anywhere and we're rumbling along in limbo. We've lived pretty much separate lives for years, and I feel like I'm just a mum, working, running a house, and nothing else. Someone came along and blew me away, we started seeing each other, and I so want to start again with this person as I am so unhappy in my marriage. Am I cheating? I guess I am, but I'm not having two relationships. One man has my heart, the other has a piece of paper and a ring on my finger. I know that sounds terrible and harsh, and I do hate feeling this way, and I'm trying to convince myself I'm not a terrible person. My counsellor knows all about it and is very supportive, which I didn't expect. Maybe she has to be! Anyway, just wondering what people think about this?
(Sorry again *@MECmad*)

Got to say, I would consider this cheating yes. You have not clearly ended your relationship by the sounds of it - why are you not pursuing a divorce?

You both need to have that clarity of understanding that the relationship has ended (and it only takes you to say that clearly to him - you don't need him to agree to it) - but if you haven't got that, then you are cheating.

Cheating is more than the relationship with someone else, it's the lying, the deceit, the making a fool of the other person who is still operating on the understanding that they are in a marriage/ relationship, which is as much of a betrayal.