Still dating after 3.5 years - should a relationship be progressing more than this?

[Outdoorsie]

So we're late 40s and early 50s. Both have own places about half an hour's drive away. We've never lived together. There's no talk of our future. He's never told me he loves me, I have but not too often because of this. He's quite emotionally closed off but admits this.

We see each other at weekends and only sometimes a day during the week, abit more if we've time off, and we often go up to 2 weeks without seeing each other.

I've been happy enough until recently but feel lately it's the same routine - have a nice time at weekends - dinner, drinks, movie, nice walk. I'm starting to feel there's no depth to the relationship. I can't see it changing really at the moment. We never argue.

Anyone else still just dating after this length of time?

When you tell him you love him, what's his reaction? What does he say back?

It doesn't really matter what other people are doing, what matters is whether or not you are happy with this arrangement.

It sounds as though you were happy with this, but aren't any longer. If he is emotionally closed off, then he is likely to still be happy with this and not likely to change unless you discuss it.

Even with discussion, he probably isn't going to change the way he is - he may not be capable of it. You will probably have to end it to find someone who wants the same things you do.

I'm adding a link to a podcast that might help:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/podcast-ep-123-the-5-stages-of-relationships/

Emotionally unavailable people are very often stuck at stage 2 - forever, and whatever commitments they take on.

3.5 years like this 😕 I think you probably know that he doesn't have deep feelings for you, sorry to say but he would of said long before now.
I think you will have to be upfront and honest, the relationship is getting stale without much emotion and any planned future, you may have to prepare yourself that he might not want anymore than the current arrangement then it's up to you to decide whether you want to carry on as it is or become single again to find someone who wants the same commitment as you.

Yep - my OH and i have been seeing each other for 3.5 years, same ages as you, both live in separate houses 45 mins drive apart. Both divorced, I have 3 grown up children (live away mostly) and an elderly cat after a relatively happy marriage (until the last couple of years), he doesn't have either and didn't have a happy marriage. We spend part or all of most weekends together plus a couple of evenings in the week when we may or may not stay at one another's house. We holiday together for 7-10 days once or twice a year and these involve lots of walking and/or cycling.

Neither of us have any intention of living together or marrying again. We each say 'I love you' neither more than the other. I suspect that he is more dependant on me for a relationship than I am on him - eg I would be quite happy to go away on holiday for a week on my own but he couldn't do that and would just drift around at home not doing anything and complaining about being bored! He was a nightmare during lockdown especially as I was working full time!

I do worry that our relationship is stale and lacking any drive but do enjoy the time I spend with him. I get frustrated by his lack of oomph at times eg I went to his last Saturday afternoon and really wanted to go for a good walk which he knew and agreed with. When I got there he just wanted us to veg on the sofa - again! He dillied and dallied for over an hour until I put my boots on and said I would go on my own. Then he came with me and thoroughly enjoyed it, as did I even though it wasn't as far or as energetic as I had needed . I have no idea how long our relationship will last - I was considering ending it a couple of months ago but the thought of not seeing him again caused me physical pain so I'm obviously more in love with him than I thought

Sorry - that was very long!!! With nothing particularly helpful to add other than to do what works for you. No one else matters. Forget what society says you 'should' do! Its your life - live it how you want.

I think you both have to be happy with how your relationship looks and feels. What other people think isn't important.

A good friend of mine has been with her bf around 4 years (her mid 40's, him 50 ish. They live 45 mins drive apart. She has job she loves where she lives and it isn't a job that's easily transferable, and he works from home but owns his property (she rents) so they have never made the decision to live together as they both have ties where they are (no children involved either side). I think they both actually like their set up too. They were both very independent when they met having never been married/had kids so they enjoy doing their own things but seeing each other at weekends/a night in the week.

I must admit, when I was married, I did think their set up was a bit odd and assumed my friend MUST want to live with her bf but now I am separated and in another relationship which is quite similar, I think we have the best of both worlds and wouldn't change it!

The Love thing is a different matter though. I can't speak for my friend as I have no idea about that aspect of their relationship but my bf and I tell each other we love each other a lot. That would bother me I think.

I have known two people like this, who seemed fairly happy with their respective relationships. Indeed one I still know and speak with after their retirement (they were a work colleague).

They are happy, it sounds you are not. Different views.

So as I said before, we don't live together. We're together 4 years now. We both live alone and are allowed to bubble, but he's very close to other family members who live close by and has chosen to bubble with them and so we just meet for a walk. Even in ordinary times, I never feel like a priority to him and feel I'm on the sidelines of his life. We do enjoy each other's company when we are together but I feel a bit despondent about the future. Am I asking too much? He knows I'm upset about this but feels I'm overreacting.

Why are you wasting so much time on someone who doesn't love you?

You are not asking too much if that's what you want. If you want a relationship to change, and evolve to thebpint where you share lives and home that is perfectly fine. But he might not be the one for you. He may be happy where you are now. But you are still young....don't settle if it's not what you want. You could have another 40 or 50 years ahead of you...keep looking for what you want.

Stop waisting your life on this man op
You deserve love and happiness and sunshine and a man who say "i love you" on a regular basis. A man who makes you feel loved and makes you his priority. The list goes on

Find your happiness op. This man isnt it.

It depends entirely on what you both want. If one of you wants to move forward and the other doesn't then there's a problem. And some people just aren't into declarations of feelings.

I said in original post we never argue. That's changed a bit since July because although he seems happy to drift along, I've been bringing up an issue I'm not happy with, and that's that I'm not his first choice to spend time with, eg weekend nights. I've said to him I feel like a convenience sometimes.

I think it's ok for 3.5 years in but if you want more it's time to move on.
I got to 7 years in a relationship like this and realised he had no plans for things to change so that's when I left.

It's a long time if each of you live alone. Unless his bubble includes sick elderly parents then it seems odd that it doesn't include you.

Do not waste any more of your life on this man.

How did he respond to your charge that you feel like a convenience to him?. (Its because you are BTW).

I think his way of having a relationship is OK and yours is OK but if they don't match then you need to finish it for both your sakes. Fwiw, I think your way ie wanting to feel loved and prioritised after 4 years is more usual so he is being unreasonable for making you feel you are overreacting. His way is OK but I think he needs to make it clear to future GFs that he's looking for more of a part time companion than a full partnership type relationship.

Sounds more like companions than partners, is there any intimacy?
I don’t think things will improve.

Is it not possible for you both, to sit down and sort out all your feelings and thoughts on this relationship, it should be possible as you have known each other for quite a while now. If your partner is just drifting along, and you wan't more than this, it is advisable to get things straight up and honest now, and with the often used phrase of Life is too short, for dithering etc,

My OH and I have been together for nearly 7 years, we don't live together and because we live 200 miles apart only see each other fortnightly for 3-4 days. However we say I love you very regularly, and we are both happy with the current arrangement. He can't move to me due to work, I can't move to him as I still have DC (over 18 but only just) at home (and up until this year work - although we are now WFH for the foreseeable so that is less of an issue now). Our plan is to start the moving in process next year, he's moving to a bigger (rented) house which I will contribute to, and start staying about 1 week a month - thereby giving us more time together and gives my DC a bit of time on their own so I can see how they get on.

If it wasn't for the children I think we would have progressed things faster and have been living together long before now, I can understand therefore how you might be unhappy with the situation. You only get one life, don't waste it not asking for what you want, but be prepared that he might not want this - he might be happy to drift along, not to cohabit (some people are), and then you will have to decide whether you can continue the relationship indefinitely as is, whether he brings enough to your life to be willing to accept the status quo.

You want more than he is willing and capable of giving. He is emotionally distant. This will not change.

I wonder if he is stuck in this "Once bitten twice shy" mindset that many older men seem to get into? So he has had a difficult marriage ,didnt work out ,and hes scared it will go tits up if he offers the slightest bit of commitment to you? As far as not being in his " Bubble" though that is very odd to me TBH. I think I would be calling time on this R/L if I were you.Thing is you could be here for years if you arent careful! There are other men out there that could give you what you want .

This would actually be the PERFECT set up for me. I have no desire to live with someone so spending a few days a week together would be fine. I’m actually seeing someone now and this is basically how we are. However there’s still intimacy - we talk on the phone almost daily about anything and everything. But it seems you are lacking this type of intimacy so this isn’t working for you.

You need to let him know how you feel but he seems to be ok with it so I doubt he will change.

Sounds like he likes your company but is never going to prioritize you. If you want and need more from a relationship and not just a casual arrangement - I would write him a letter about it if it’s hard to discuss calmly, and if he just wants to keep things the same, then I would end things. You’re not wrong to want more. I would be quite upset if my boyfriend/partner chose to bubble with someone else at this time; unless he had caring duties or whatever

I knew someone closed off like this. Excellent company. I could have carried on for years, because it was fun and we had so much in common. But his prioritising friends over me was the final blow.
I agree with a pp. For some emotionally avoidant types, this is the most they offer and want. OK if you know in advance, but it takes a while to work out.