Still dating after 3.5 years - should a relationship be progressing more than this?

[Outdoorsie]

So we're late 40s and early 50s. Both have own places about half an hour's drive away. We've never lived together. There's no talk of our future. He's never told me he loves me, I have but not too often because of this. He's quite emotionally closed off but admits this.

We see each other at weekends and only sometimes a day during the week, abit more if we've time off, and we often go up to 2 weeks without seeing each other.

I've been happy enough until recently but feel lately it's the same routine - have a nice time at weekends - dinner, drinks, movie, nice walk. I'm starting to feel there's no depth to the relationship. I can't see it changing really at the moment. We never argue.

Anyone else still just dating after this length of time?

@Whatsnewpussyhat

Why are you wasting so much time on someone who doesn't love you?

This. This isn't a relationship, it's an arrangement. He doesn't see you as anything more than a person providing him with ongoing casual (sexual) weekend fun with. I'm ready to bet that when the time comes where proper emotional support is needed and it's no longer 'easy' for him e.g. serious illness on your part, he'll run like the wind. You're worth so much more than what he's prepared to offer OP.

It does seem this relationship is making you more unhappy as time goes on.
I wouldn't mind a relationship like yours (I'm 40s) as it would allow me to continue to enjoy the things in my life I currently have, without too much compromise.
Would I be happy doing it that way for years? I doubt it. I'm seeking an emotional attachment, not just someone to spend time with.

I had a relationship like this, with me as the one who liked the person and enjoyed dating her but didn't want to take it further and never said I love you to her, because I don't say it unless I mean it. Luckily for her, in the sense that her time wasn't wasted for too long, we were together for just about a year and then split up. 3.5 years seems like an awful long time to be in that kind of holding pattern.

Can I just ask what you would like from this relationship? Live together or marriage or both ?

Why are you prioritising a man who sees you as an option?

I know two people in relationships where the OPs description fits theirs. One I am aware it is because one has a medical condition and values their privacy in their home, no idea about the other one.

Whilst it works for them it does not seem to for you, so don't feel bad if you choose to end the relationship.

@thisldo

Can I just ask what you would like from this relationship? Live together or marriage or both ?

To answer your question, I can't see either of these happening and I suppose I have to think about how I feel about just continuing on as we are long term. He's a good talker otherwise, but I've only started to bring up issues lately and he kind of doesn't know what to say.

As regards another family being a priority to him, I know they've always been in his life whereas I've only been in it four years and I'd never expect him not to see them, but he does see them more than me and I often think he prefers their company, and this is something else I can see changing.

It doesn't sound like he's too bothered about you. You're convenient and pleasant, but you're not setting his world on fire, and it doesn't really sound like he sets yours on fire either?

Why are you just sitting around picking up whatever he's willing to give you? I can't think it's great for your self-esteem to feel like this. I mean, I can see he fills a role in your life - company and the boyfriend slot, but is that enough for you to be happy?

I'm in the same position - almost 4 years, we usually meet 2x a week. He wasn't brought up with declarations of love, neither was I - although I've learned to do it, he hasn't. He sees it as something for infatuated teenagers. However, his actions are loving and kind. He's apologetic about not being into talk of love, and he's apologetic if he can't do something with me due to his dd. We're not going to move in together as she's only 10, and anyway we don't need to (both quite happy being independent). I have regularly considered whether I should go for something more traditional again now I've had my fun for a while following a long marriage. But at the moment I like what he has to offer. If you don't, then you don't have to stick around. That's the great thing at our age, with nothing to stop us leaving when we fancy.

Have you had a chat to him about how you feel?

With the current restriction it is tough to change anything at the moment, but I presume you can chat about these things with him? It could just be that you want more from the relationship now and its come to a natural end, which is sad

Why would you be so passive in a long term relationship?
Surely it's about 2 of you.
You're not happy so why stay also raise your standards and you need to at least be with someone who at the very least says he loves you.