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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

im sure dps been lying to me

37 replies

imhiding · 27/09/2007 15:03

ok this is really hard, i dont know what to believe anymore!

dp is an assistant manager at a sports store.
early august he went away for weekend apparantly to sort out a store that was closing down so the company paid for them to stay at a hotel

well few days later i checked his email. there was one from a girl and her friend thanking him for the nice time in london.

well i got suspicious and asked dp upfront
and he got pissed off about me going through his emails and said that they were from the bike course he did the week before. i had no other evidence so dropped the matter.

today went through his phone and in his sent box, there were messages telling someone that he was free from the 10th till 20th(he was off on holidy from work)

in another text he gave the number of some guy saying that his friend couldnt wait to meet her friend and that he couldnt wait to see her sexy ass. another text said that his friend 'ray' will pick them up and hed be in the hotel.

so i went into his email again and just seen pics shes sent to him, and him and his friend that i know are in them and the date shows that they were taken on that weekend that he was meant to be at work! why is his friend there if its a work thing?

ive just called him at work and hes saying he's had enough of me going through his stuff and that hed get evidence from his area manager that he was at work!

im stuck dont know what to believe anymore!!

sorry for it being so long!

well he went, his aunt and mum were wondering why he had to go as the place was far away and were sure they could have got someone closer to go.

OP posts:
Mung · 27/09/2007 15:07

You must be feeling dreadful. Its a tough one, as he is right that you perhaps shouldn't have been going through his things, but he just shouldn't be lying!

Phoning at work was perhaps not the best thing to do, but its done now, so you need to think how you are going to approach it when he gets home. Perhpas he could go through the photos with you and explain why his friend is in them if it is innocent. He could also explain the texts (as he knows you have looked at them now).

Sorry, not much help, but just wanted to know that someone was listening.

Original poster
imhiding · 27/09/2007 15:13

i hate going through his stuff but thats the only way i can gets answers because he never is straightforward with he says.

when he went away that weekend, his mum and aunt were even suspicious about it, as he was meant to be off on holiday from the friday.

i dont know what to think any more but the text, emails and pics say it all!

OP posts:
Mung · 27/09/2007 15:17

It does seem odd. Have his Mum and Sister confronted him?

He needs to do some serious explaining really. How can you get him to do that?

Mung · 27/09/2007 15:17

I mean Aunt, not sis

Original poster
imhiding · 27/09/2007 15:24

when he went his mum and aunt were calling me as dps cousins gf was taken into hospital as she went into labour few weeks early and thay hadnt prepared for the arrival and needed dp there to help get the baby stuff ready. when they found out that hed gone away they were questioning why work would ask him to go so far to close a store down when they would already have staff in there to do it. but i dont think they spoke to him about it.

when i just called him he told me hed just given in his resignation as hes been having problems there and when i confronted him he just said he could take this no more and its too much and hanged up.

we have 2 young dc and i dont know what to do, i know he'll find some excuse or another, hes so good at doing that

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 27/09/2007 15:29

You need to trust your instincts - of course going through his stuff is not right but if he has nothing to hide he should not really mind too much. Gut feel is usually right though - unfortunately.

He needs to re-assure you that you are important to him and that you can trust him. Yes this may be your problem too but if he wants you he needs to help.

His agressive manner is worring too - and a classic sign of him lying - trying to shift the blame onto you. Men seem more willing to let you think you are mad and paranoid than admit that they have lied!! IME anyway.

Mung · 27/09/2007 15:32

So, he has resigned from work too?
What is he doing FGS?

You need to decide what you are going to say when he comes home. I really have no ideas to help you...hopefully someone else will come along with something.

HappyWoman · 27/09/2007 15:39

So its ok for you to 'take all this' is it, i already see the blame technique.

If he has resigned it is not your fault (whatever he tells you - he can make up his own mind).

He may well have lied and is not willing to tell you yet (this may be because of fear of losing you)

My advice would be if he is spoiling for a fight not to give him the ammunition for it. (try not to phone at work, appologise for looking through his stuff, and try and be understanding of his 'work' postition.

It is hard to know what to do without all the evidence but if you 'frighten' him off you may never know the truth.

If he is hiding something he will be looking for justification for his behaviour - dont let it be you.

Original poster
imhiding · 27/09/2007 15:40

he resigned because the its far away and the hours arent flexible, he leaves the house before dc wake up and gets in just before their bedtime. he sells cars on the side too and can probably get more money doing that.

i dont know what im going to say, whatever i say he will find an answer for, and he will tell me to contact the girls and phone his friend, bu he wont come out straight and tell me what happened, he'll just say i shouldnt have gone through his stuff.

my gut instinct, from everything ive seen is telling me that hes lying.

he told me that they were from his bike course, but those pictures were taken at night over that weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
imhiding · 27/09/2007 15:45

i have male friends and i tell him beforehand if i meet up with them, but im normally with our other girlfriends. but when it comes to him i dont know any of his female friends and he never tells me if he meets up with them.

he goes out whenever and thinks he doesnt have to tell me where and with who, but with me i tell him where im going and with whom im going with.

this is making me realise how unequal our relationship is how i just let him off with everything and am too easy on him.

his mum always told me i let him off easily with everything.

OP posts:
MaryBleedinPoppins · 27/09/2007 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyWoman · 27/09/2007 16:02

Dont be frightened by him telling you to contact them - remember you have done nothing wrong and should fear nothing.

If he says contact them i would say 'ok thanks i will' and ask for the numbers. Have you kept the numbers by the way? So you can check if he gives you the correct one. Or will he do the other male trick of 'oh i have just deleted/lost them!!' If you do phone them - be polite and really most women will understand even they think you are a bit odd - but remember you deserve the truth.

You really cant live without trusting him and it sounds as if he is not helping in any way.

However you need to decide what to do if you do now find that he has lied - if you 'accept' his versions without checking them you will tourture yourself for a long time and that is no way to live your life.

Original poster
imhiding · 27/09/2007 16:10

im so bad at confrontation! i get my self ready and when it comes to the crunch i start bluberring and i forget everthng i was going to say.

if he is lying (which im pretty sure of) i know that i cant stay with him because im going to question everything thats happened in the past with him and its going to only end in tears. i dont want to live the rest of my life questioning whether my other half is lying to me or not.

im scared to be on my own because i dont speak to any of my family, im close to his mum and relatives but its going to be wierd. my friends are all single and busy with their lives. my family will get the biggest satisfaction that he did end up being a liar and im all on my own.

OP posts:
ginnedupmummy · 27/09/2007 16:40

Message withdrawn

lemonstartree · 27/09/2007 16:42

he is lying.

definitely.

and he dosnt sound sorry at all

what you have to decide is if you an live with it or not.

Im so sorry. but he is a complete twunt

jellybelly25 · 27/09/2007 17:48

you can do it. he sounds like a compulsive liar and you caught him red handed. you already have enough'evidence' for yourself, you dont need to justify it any more to him.

being on your own is hard but MUCH better than being with someone who lies to you, doesnt own up isnt sorry and tries to blame you.

InMyHumbleOpinion · 27/09/2007 17:54

He's lying to you, and being lied to is the most crushing, self esteem destroying thing in the world.

Be assured, he is lying to you.

Why do you let him do as he pleases, and treat you like crap - is it because you are scared of being alone?

SSSandy2 · 27/09/2007 18:01

I wouldn't need to know who these women were and what happened that weekend. If he is writing about wanting to see someone's sexy arse that's enough for me.

However, as you say you have 2 small dc and not much support from friends and family. So you need to think a bit practically here and if you do leave him, you leave him when and how it suits you. Don't run off into some desperate mess on top of everything else.

Do you have a wise friend who knows him and who you could talk to about this? Are you sure your mum wouldn't be sympathetic?

fawkeoff · 27/09/2007 18:12

i think you already know the answer to this question hun....he sounds guilty as sin and is trying to turn the tables round on you.do you really want to be with someone who thinks so little of you ????

Original poster
imhiding · 27/09/2007 19:45

he came in really early from work but didnt speak to him, didnt want to start arging in front of the dc and then his friend came over and theyve gone off to do car stuff i think.

im still so confused, i need to talk to him first and get it all out in the open and take it from there.

none of my family will support me, the 'disowned' me couple of years ago and i dont talk to any of them. i have close firends but i dont want to talk to them about it right now or i'll get more confused about the situation.

i love him, but im not going to stick around if he thinks he can take me for a fool, and his friend who was in the pics comes over to ours is all chummy with me

OP posts:
jellybelly25 · 27/09/2007 19:54

oh thats guilt through and through. smarmy bastard.

make a solid plan for where to go if you do leave (is there a nearby B&B or a particular friend who could put you up?), or how to get himn out if you want him to leave. Then if it comes to it you wont have to think about all that.

remember that when you talk to him he WILL try to convince you it is all in your head and he will probably try to prove his innocence in some stupid way that is really not proving it at all (like phoning them, as if they would say to you 'oh yeah your dp was with us that night!!' theyd be too terrified!). you dont NEED to speak to these people, you know enough. so just stick to your guns and if he really can prove it then fine but dont say you believe stuff you dont really believe. unless you need to in ordedr to get him to shut up so you can pack your bags and go

good luck.

jellybelly25 · 27/09/2007 19:55

how old are youyr dcs?

Original poster
imhiding · 27/09/2007 20:03

dd is nearly 3 and ds is 1.

if anyone to leave it will be him. he will definately try that line, call this person or that person.

i know what ive seen, so i need to ask him

why he said that he met those girls at his
bike course?

why is he texting girls about wanting to see their arse

why him and his mate were together with these girls on the weekend that he was apparantly meant to be at work

why is he lying to me.

i need to talk to him soon because its really eating me up inside!

thankyou everyone for your support and help, i just cant face talking to any of my friends in rl about this right now.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 27/09/2007 20:19

The evidence you've found is pretty damning really, isn't it? And he knows it. That's why you've not had a chance to talk to him about it. He's probably hatching explanations right now.

I'd leave. Or I'd change the locks. Easier said than done but he sounds like a total creep.

Get rid.

Baffy · 28/09/2007 08:17

imhiding how are you today?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, there is nothing worse