Thoughts about my upbringing

[Nombrechange989]

I'm not really expecting anyone to answer this, but I need to write it.

Since lockdown I have been thinking a lot about my upbringing and though I love my parents very much, I'm beginning to see that things could have been better.

I am the middle child of 5, each baby born almost a year after the previous one! At one point my mum had 3 of us in terry nappies and didn't have a washing machine, so life must have been hard for her.

From around the time I was 4 she worked full time, as did my dad, who had a day time job and an evening job. Neither of them had any hobby time of their own, but we children were very fortunate in having extra curricular music lessons, ballet, brownies etc.

However I'm just realising that although I was definitely loved, I had very little attention as a child.

I can't remember my siblings having more attention than me - there just wasn't time.

I didn't develop a close bond with either of my parents.
When I was bullied for 5 terms at senior school, it didn't occur to me to tell my parents, and the bullying only stopped because the main perpetrator also began to bully another girl, who told her parents and got school involved.

The bullies would tell me I was "thick" and I often felt stupid. My parents had no time to supervise homework (and if asked I would lie that we hadn't had much) so I was constantly in trouble at school, and always dreaded going. There was always terrible trouble after parents evenings when my parents found out that neither I nor any of my siblings were doing homework.

The result was I didn't do as well as expected at school, and have always felt like a failure because of it. I then had lots of unskilled jobs for 10 yrs before becoming a SAHM.

But I'm now realising that between being worried to speak up in class in case I got sly put downs for giving the wrong answer, and the lack of parental supervision of homework, it was unlikely to have a great outcome.

The ridiculous thing was that I REALLY wanted attention from teachers (or anyone in authority) and I would fantasise about rescuing their kids from drowning, burning buildings, cars stuck on level crossings (!) because then they would like me.

Wanting to be liked but feeling "not good enough" led to me being terribly shy. eg. meeting my boyfriends parents was torture - I wanted them to like me so much that I didn't want to say anything wrong or offend, so I would freeze and say nothing at all. I sat through meals with them where I would say please and thankyou and nothing else!

None of us "children" are close now. And I can see now that I have put myself in a very similar (familiar to me) situation by choosing a partner who works exceptionally long hours and is also generally distant emotionally.

I do visit my parents and call home regularly, but we never talk about big stuff - it's all just chit chat, local gossip etc. I never tell them if things are going wrong/ any worries I have. I would also never tell them any of this, as I know they would be so hurt.

2 of my siblings have complained to them about our upbringing, and I know that upset them because they truly believed that they were doing the best they could for us. They would be appalled to know that I was bullied, and I don't want to tell them as I they think of me as "the one who gets on well with people"!

I have 2 lovely teenage kids myself, and when they were little my parents were good at giving me a break and really seemed to enjoy looking after them when we visited.

But I worry that I am recreating a similar relationship with my own kids - I discuss logistics with them - what time tea will be, what kit they need for a club...but not anything that's important. I worry that I haven't created a relationship where they will come to me with problems. They are 15 and 18 and I'm hoping it's not too late to turn it round. I'm going to look for a self help book about getting teens to open up.

My mum has often wondered aloud why my cousins who come from similar sized family are such high achievers, and they are a very close knit family. And I hate to say it, but I wonder if having a parent at home until they were older teens (and so had more attention) helped.

I haven't really made much of my life so far - I give up easily, and often feel like a bit of a failure. I've been so worried to do the wrong thing and afraid to take risks. I've become a perfectionist - I won't try at something unless I'm likely to succeed. And it's not serving me well.

I'm not into laying blame, I'm just finally thinking that maybe I don't have to continue to feel guilty about being a bit messed up, and not having made the most of school, or subsequent lack of career.

This feels like pretty big realisation, and I'm hoping that putting it out into the universe is a first step in freeing me.

That is a complicated and interesting post OP. It resonates with me sadly. I put so much effort into parenting that I often feel I have stopped living my own life. It is as if my sole purpose in life is for my children to be the best and happiest they can be. My eldest DC mentioned very casually recently that he would never have children because it wasn't fun to be a parent. That really stuck with me.

I need to become a better example to them whether that means returning to work (I gave up a medium income job a couple of years ago to became a SAHP so my children could come home instead of to childcare). I didn't have a close knit family growing up and my siblings and I have dispersed, and talk only like distant relatives.

When I became a parent, I realised that my childhood had been devoid of all emotional support including praise, encouragement, physical hugs, and consisted primarily of unwarranted and unnecessary criticism.

Thanks for replying @Sittingontheveranda
I can identify with everything you said I your last paragraph.

My mum once told me that her aunt had told her not to praise us so that we wouldn't become big-headed.
I feel so sad, because she genuinely thought that not praising us was the right thing to do.

I also realized recently that she gave me a model of parenting being self sacrifice and hard work.

Do you mind me asking if you get on with your parents now despite the lack of praise and constant criticism?

I don't mind you asking at all.

My father is alive. We live approx four hours drive away. Our 'relationship' is strange. It is very dutiful and obligatory. He doesn't have any more respect for the adult me than he had for the younger me. He sees no issue with telling me what to do including what time I should go to bed! We chat dutifully once a week about mundane topics like old neighbours and the weather. Each call lasts three minutes before it peters out. He has no relationship with my children and I'd hazard a guess, he couldn't name three things about them. Foolishly, in a moment of pride, I told him once about an academic achievement DC1 had received. My father remarked casually that DC1 wouldn't be any good at that sort of thing. It brought me back with a bang to hearing the same thing directly as a child.

I am sorry to hear this OP. Have you had any counselling? To talk this through with someone impartial could be really helpful.
Please don’t feel it’s too late to build that closeness to your own children though. That is something you can work on. Maybe you could have a chat with them and make sure they know they can talk to you about anything. Do you tell them you love them? I know with teenagers they might say ‘oh Mum’ but I bet you they love hearing it none the less.
I commend you for writing all this down and being open to self help. It’s never too late. Similarly make sure you look at ways to build your confidence and improve your own life and happiness.

As you get older, you come to realise that having the perfect childhood is a rare thing. It's surprising how many adults suffered abuse or neglect by their parents.
I've been through the phase of realising I could of maybe done more in life if my parents gave me as much attention and love as my successful brother got ( sexist household). There comes a time where, although you know things could and should of been better, it helps to let go of what was, as it only makes you bitter, things could of been worse, look for the good in life.
Yes I could of done better, I feel permanently on the breadline, but I have a very good relationship with my son, although I have worked full time throughout his life as a single parent, so he's not had much attention either, but it's how you interact the times you are together that bring closeness. The type of relationship you have with your siblings and family, also has to do with your personalities. I am naturally loving and demonstrative as a person with my son and he reflects this back to me, even though he's not had my time much, we are very close. It's not all about being present, but how you are when you are there. It's too simplistic to put your cousin's success down to a parent being there.
Also, you seem to be measuring success in terms of how a career is going, there are many more valid measures of success, like being a well rounded individual, and being a better parent than the previous generation.

Well said @Opentooffers

I hate to say it, but I wonder if having a parent at home until they were older teens (and so had more attention) helped. no. You are trying to deflect. Your upbringing sounds normal from a particular time. It is terribly sad that you could not confide in your parents about you being bullied. But the fact she was a working mother is not the issue here.

For someone who feels they haven't done well at school or in jobs, you write incredibly articulately and communicate your feelings very well indeed. I taught for many years at a high level at university and it was rare to get anything as well expressed.
As regards your family, as others have said, it's sad that what was clearly well meant parenting didn't hit the mark, though of course there are many many worse examples. For your own parenting, I would say that anyone who stays concerned and thoughtful about their children is doing well. Maybe just try to make sure they know you are open to chat, even broach what you have been saying here about your own upbringing, be honest.

Pog100? High level at university? What is that please? Because nooooo.

Parenting methods change all the time, we learn from our parents mistakes and then make different ones ourselves. Most parents do the best they can at the time.

My mum once told me that her aunt had told her not to praise us so that we wouldn't become big-headed.

but she didn't have to listen, did she?

I think some aspects of your childhood sound very normal for the time. I'm 50 and my parents expected me to manage my own school work and homework, as did all of my friends. We're weren't a demonstrative family either, like a fair few of my friends. We were allowed to be out alone or with friends to a degree most modern parents would be appalled by, that was totally normal.

I knew I was loved and safe though and that my parents would support me and always be fair.

It's only as my children have reached adulthood that I realised how tight money was when we were young, and that was with my Mam working part time.

They have been amazing parents of adults and grandparents. I've also come to the conclusion that my parents always did their best and that being perfect isn't possible, all parents make mistakes. For me I don't look back and wish for different, it does no good. I've had over 30 years to change to it's on me now.

To be honest at the age your DC are the best you can do is talk honestly to them. Tell them you love them and be ready to listen even if what they say hurts. If it gets too raw then family therapy might be useful.

Parents did used to be far less involved in homework. Good enough parenting looks very different now from how it did when I was a child.

I am going through a divorce and have a generally close relationship with my children. But their father has a much more distant one with them: because he didn't invest that much effort in them as they grew up. He didn't know who their friends were, take an interest in their interests which didn't interest him, and he still doesn't bend over backward to stay in touch but expects reciprocity.

Just little things like texting if they are away, having 1:1 time and really listening, doing something together, and getting to know them.
And doing something to rebuild your self confidence, maybe improving your qualifications- will all help.

Some of your post resonanated with me. I didn't get on with my parents when I was younger. They very much gave us school, every extra activity -holidays abroad etc but we were left never 'being good enough' -for us, we all buried ourselves deep in school work and then university and then careers. However, as I got older I can see my parents struggling back then-three children together and careers, my father left home at 18 -his siblings were 5 and 3. His mother got divorced from an alcoholic ex husband. We never saw my grandfather. His mother (my grandmother) died in a horrific tragic accident at her house. At various times my father has stopped speaking to his brothers, me, my brother and my sisiter. He didn't speak to his father for 60 years. He spoke to him just before he died. He was a distant, academic father -unable to play with "children" and now in his 80s his only friend is my mother. He doesn't have any friends except through her. I'm a single parent raising my brood. We love them (my parents) very very much. Yes. my children get school and everything I did but they also unfortunately have a broken relationship with their father. Life is not all hugs and roses. Life is hard. We do the best we can.

Currently the two eldest are with my parents -and the youngest with me. I dropped them off for a week. The difference is communication. Mine constantly send me little texts and photos etc and I in return. I for a long time saw a few unhappy memories as an unhappy childhood -but looking over the hundreds and thousands of photo -it really wasn't. I'm not close to my brother or sister and my parents weren't to their siblings. But seeing my ex with his family made me see the other side. His parents phoned him 4 times a day minimum -they are in his life 24/7 and there is no escape. I phone my parents x2 a day due to lockdown and will go back to normal of 2/3 times a week after lockdown. You say you are unskilled -you aren't. I'm full of skills but I couldn't hold a marriage together and I feel like a failure for that. Am I a failure -no? Is being a SAHM a failure -no! However, don't waste your life away -seriously don't. If you want qualifications -go and get them. Online learning is available everywhere.

A lot of what you say resonates with me (minus the low achievement - I was a high achiever because that was the thing that my parents focused on above everything else - they didn't care if we were bullied or unhappy as long as it didn't interfere with getting top results).

My relationship with my parents is now similar to yours.
My mother was a SAHM, so I can definitely say that your cousins' close knit family is nothing to do with having a parent at home.

I think as above PP said, that was fairly normal parenting for that time .My own DM worked P/T and I was looked after by my DGP an awful lot .(only child though) .I am also a SAHM and one of my DC has a degree,the other one is a Waitress! They have had the same input from both of us (and the same DF as well!) Looking back is often unhelpful I think .I (like you probably) feel I should have had a fulfilling career .And although I had a good job , gave it up to be "there for them " like you and lots of others as well.You cant have everything though and you have been "there" for your DC as I have been as well.My parents both worked and provided for me as yours have too.With out of School activities and working F/T .Your parents have put you all first, and were probably pretty knackered at the end of the week! You make your own choices though,and a good friend of mine retrained as a Nurse while looking after her family .She passed and now works F/T with a Career ,however while doing her degree was absolutely exhausted ,and said she envied me!As far as your DF goes ,why take any notice ? When my DC was doing their degree . My other friend remarked that she didnt think they would get through! In the end mine did hers didnt!

It has taken me 58 years to finally stop talking to my 95-year old father and I use the term father loosely.

The positives from your post is that you are able to reflect and understand your current situation. This has to be a strong point from which move forward from. I would always suggest to hug your kids and tell them that you love.

It's never too late to change where you're going. Like OpentoOffers says, it's important to define what success looks like to you. Raising two kids is a huge achievement for starters. But maybe there's something you might like to do for yourself now? I'm a perfectionist too and I found this workbook based on CBT really helpful.

Wow, thanks so much for all the replies.

I will read and think about them all.

I now do think this was quite common in childhoods back then (70s I'm guessing) as this was v similar to mine. I knew I was loved, weirdly, as just assumed it although rarely heard it (and were never told we weren't) and we never got compliments only criticism.

When I had DC1 I remember saying to my mum that she had better show her love and be different to how we were brought up and she looked so surprised and said that her mum had never shown it. I countered that if she didn't like that why not break the cycle like I have done and she couldn't answer. I now probably go too far the other way so DC may moan to their children that they were over loved or something as sure I will have f**ed up their life in different ways in their opinion. My parents hug, kiss and tell my DC they love them and I love that they have changed now but maybe there's not so much pressure when you're grandparents. My mums parents were loving to us if I remember correctly as I was only young when they died but we all have fond memories.

One thing that has helped me is I've not let my childhood define my adulthood and I've "let go" and not let the bitterness eat away. Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person feels the benefit, in the end only you suffer and I will not allow that. Unfortunately some siblings have let it happen and their lives are v different to mine as can't settle down or commit etc.

My DH is always amazed at how well adjusted I am but it's been hard work as I'm a naturally anxious person and prone to being persnickety because of my upbringing - dad was militant on manners and seeing not hearing etc but I've tried not to pass it on to DC and have relaxed now over the years. I went mid/low contact for a while which helped and then lockdown happened and I have been in more contact as life is too short and I've seen them more recently and I'm more forgiving as they are quite elderly and frail now.

I think you'd benefit from therapy/counseling. I did well at school but my parents never checked my homework. I was heavily bullied and they couldn't care less, that affected me a lot more. I have an on relationship with both my parents I know they did their best, just like I'm doing my best with my own. We're all different though.

No parent is perfect; no childhood is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes.

As a parent myself, I thought I’d never make the same mistakes as my parents did...but I have.

I think the trick is, not to be too harsh on others and especially, don’t be too harsh on ourselves. We are only human.

I can relate op.
I have never been told I was pretty or clever or anything,my mum tells me it was because she didnt want me to be big headed, same as what your aunt said.
I have very very low self esteem even in my 30s.
I tell my dc that they are clever, beautiful, kind and funny etc all the time..neither of them are big headed at all. I also tell them I love them and hug them a lot. Something that my mum never did.
Having said all that, I dont feel like i had a bad childhood, I got given toys and clothes and we went out to parks and cinemas etc.,I wasnt neglected but I just never felt good enough.

I can relate a lot. Im currently having counselling which is making me reflect a lot on childhood. I think in the past I just had a "move on its in the past" attitude but actually allowing myself to feel and be angry at how I was treated has really helped my self esteem.

I think if a child grows up being criticised and told theyre not good enough, either in words or deeds, or not wanted, that becomes that childs inner voice as an adult and can sabotage their chance at life and success as an adult. It seems so unfair that a bad childhood affects you as an adult too.

I personally chose to be a sahm/then pt work around kids as a reaction to my childhood. And the kids know I adore being around them and love them. Financially we've suffered though. Cant have it all...

Im finding it harder as my eldest is due to go to secondary and thats when the neglect really hit in so I feel I have no framework. But I look back and think they've turned out well so far it will be okay.

Im working on trying to detach from my parents. Both physcially in not seeing them much (the easy one!) But emotionally in trying not to share much with them, and not be affected by their attitudes and thoughts or lack of affection.The thing of proudly mentioning a childs achievement and them dismissing it resonated so I'm trying just to not really engage. It's hard as although I'm 40 theres still a broken child subconsciously wanting a parents affection/approval inside.

I think its a really hard path, especially when you see (or read on mn) about grandparents that want to spend time with grandchildren or help out or check their family are okay.

What Ive not got my head round is however ai do this his narrative will be that its my fault. Hes not interested in my kids, hell spin it that we didnt invite him enough/turned kids against him. Im working to let go of caring about this bur I'm not there yet :(

Sounds just like my childhood. I am 48. Close to one sibling and DM who was a sahm. Not close to other two but not a big deal I don't think. I don't have any issues, happy to be self sufficient and deal with things on my own. Weren't kissed and cuddled or complimented. To be honest I'm not sure.growing up like that didn't make me stronger?