Thoughts about my upbringing

[Nombrechange989]

I'm not really expecting anyone to answer this, but I need to write it.

Since lockdown I have been thinking a lot about my upbringing and though I love my parents very much, I'm beginning to see that things could have been better.

I am the middle child of 5, each baby born almost a year after the previous one! At one point my mum had 3 of us in terry nappies and didn't have a washing machine, so life must have been hard for her.

From around the time I was 4 she worked full time, as did my dad, who had a day time job and an evening job. Neither of them had any hobby time of their own, but we children were very fortunate in having extra curricular music lessons, ballet, brownies etc.

However I'm just realising that although I was definitely loved, I had very little attention as a child.

I can't remember my siblings having more attention than me - there just wasn't time.

I didn't develop a close bond with either of my parents.
When I was bullied for 5 terms at senior school, it didn't occur to me to tell my parents, and the bullying only stopped because the main perpetrator also began to bully another girl, who told her parents and got school involved.

The bullies would tell me I was "thick" and I often felt stupid. My parents had no time to supervise homework (and if asked I would lie that we hadn't had much) so I was constantly in trouble at school, and always dreaded going. There was always terrible trouble after parents evenings when my parents found out that neither I nor any of my siblings were doing homework.

The result was I didn't do as well as expected at school, and have always felt like a failure because of it. I then had lots of unskilled jobs for 10 yrs before becoming a SAHM.

But I'm now realising that between being worried to speak up in class in case I got sly put downs for giving the wrong answer, and the lack of parental supervision of homework, it was unlikely to have a great outcome.

The ridiculous thing was that I REALLY wanted attention from teachers (or anyone in authority) and I would fantasise about rescuing their kids from drowning, burning buildings, cars stuck on level crossings (!) because then they would like me.

Wanting to be liked but feeling "not good enough" led to me being terribly shy. eg. meeting my boyfriends parents was torture - I wanted them to like me so much that I didn't want to say anything wrong or offend, so I would freeze and say nothing at all. I sat through meals with them where I would say please and thankyou and nothing else!

None of us "children" are close now. And I can see now that I have put myself in a very similar (familiar to me) situation by choosing a partner who works exceptionally long hours and is also generally distant emotionally.

I do visit my parents and call home regularly, but we never talk about big stuff - it's all just chit chat, local gossip etc. I never tell them if things are going wrong/ any worries I have. I would also never tell them any of this, as I know they would be so hurt.

2 of my siblings have complained to them about our upbringing, and I know that upset them because they truly believed that they were doing the best they could for us. They would be appalled to know that I was bullied, and I don't want to tell them as I they think of me as "the one who gets on well with people"!

I have 2 lovely teenage kids myself, and when they were little my parents were good at giving me a break and really seemed to enjoy looking after them when we visited.

But I worry that I am recreating a similar relationship with my own kids - I discuss logistics with them - what time tea will be, what kit they need for a club...but not anything that's important. I worry that I haven't created a relationship where they will come to me with problems. They are 15 and 18 and I'm hoping it's not too late to turn it round. I'm going to look for a self help book about getting teens to open up.

My mum has often wondered aloud why my cousins who come from similar sized family are such high achievers, and they are a very close knit family. And I hate to say it, but I wonder if having a parent at home until they were older teens (and so had more attention) helped.

I haven't really made much of my life so far - I give up easily, and often feel like a bit of a failure. I've been so worried to do the wrong thing and afraid to take risks. I've become a perfectionist - I won't try at something unless I'm likely to succeed. And it's not serving me well.

I'm not into laying blame, I'm just finally thinking that maybe I don't have to continue to feel guilty about being a bit messed up, and not having made the most of school, or subsequent lack of career.

This feels like pretty big realisation, and I'm hoping that putting it out into the universe is a first step in freeing me.

You’re comparing “now” parenting to parenting from different decades. It’s different. I had a shit childhood with anxiety driven parents but in those days the mother had to give up work. She wasn’t allowed to stay working. How can that possibly compare to how. Every family is different and every person is different. You just have to try your best with what you’ve got at the time

I can recommend.mend a book called Running on Empty by Jonice Webb. It's about overcoming childhood emotional neglect.

I laughed when I read " neither of them had any hobby time for themselves" ...well yes that would be the scenario because they were too busy working and looking after their children . What you also have to remember is how THEY were brought up - they were probably doing a damn sight better than their parents . You have to remember the times and culture too. i'm probably considerably older than you and remember well the backgrounds my parents came from.

I was at school in the 60s. I am an only and my parents were totally focussed on me but they never enquired about school work and frankly we’re very intimidated by teachers even though my mother was very well educated for her class and age. It was just how things were I think. Parents these days are generally far more ready to ask questions of their children and of school. I achieved very little at school and hated it generally although socially it was fine. I’ve studied as an adult and gained professional qualifications. You can’t spend your adult life blaming your parents for doing what was pretty normal at the time.

Re working mothers, I had to work ft for a chunk of my childrens’ teenage years as we couldn’t have survived financially otherwise. People don’t always have the choice.

Windmill - I'll look out for that, thanks!

Its been interesting reading recent studies on ACE's and thinking I "ace'd" this .... and not in a good way!

The book looks good but £25 at the moment as seems only to be in hardcover?! eeek.

The other area I want to investigate is "self compassion". There's some online courses that look good but again, expensive :(

I think that this was typical of parenting in the past. I’m 48 and my Dm has never told me she loves me, or kissed or cuddled me. She’s always made negative comments about my looks and likes to point out my failings in the form of ‘humour’! We were often made to feel a nuisance as children and although I’m close to my dm now, it is still quite a dysfunctional relationship. Perhaps some therapy may help? It enabled me to explore my feelings and confront uncomfortable memories in a constructive way. My Dm can still have me crying in frustration and guilt at times but this is much better than it was as I am able to compartmentalise and also appreciate the good parts of our relationship (most of the time!). She had a unloving dysfunctional relationship with her dm and I can understand why she is the way she is to a certain degree.

Oh I feel for you OP.

My Aunt and I were talking about this recently as she was reflecting on her in laws and how they could never talk about anything "real" or "big" with their kids and it has meant my Uncle is quite distant with their kids too.

It isn't too late to change things though!

Have you ever played Sussed with your kids? There are teenage questions too. Loads of stuff about getting to know each other and really connecting so you form meanginful bonds for life instead of what sounds like quite superficial relationships.

@Sheenais

I hate to say it, but I wonder if having a parent at home until they were older teens (and so had more attention) helped. no. You are trying to deflect. Your upbringing sounds normal from a particular time. It is terribly sad that you could not confide in your parents about you being bullied. But the fact she was a working mother is not the issue here.

How do you know?

I think it's really important to remember that humans are complex creatures and there no one 'thing' that determines how well we turn out. It's a huge mess of innate characteristics, individual challenges and opportunities and family and cultural factors - and just random good or bad luck. My family was probably quite dysfunctional in a lot of ways, which I only realised as an adult, though I had lovely grandparents who did a lot to make sure I was buffered from it and I was materially well off. I've been very successful and was a high achiever, but that's because that was my personality and probably natural aptitude. Dh similarly had a materially well off but probably dysfunctional family life (very co-dependent mum and alcoholic dad). We both lost a parent when we were teenagers. Our relationships with our surviving parents are strained at best.

We've done really well in life, are happy and successful. But that has a lot to do with material circumstances (our parents didn't have 5 children, but they did work full time, we went to good private schools), and also just natural inclinations. We both enjoy doing the work we do and we were fairly self-motivated from early on, even though we both mostly raised ourselves. I certainly don't think friends who had parents at home turned out better, if anything many feel a bit nitpicked at and as if their parents were controlling and overly involved in their lives to an unhealthy extent.

But the things that make us 'us' are way more complex than just the family we grew up in. Some people have horribly traumatic childhoods, but grow up to be really functional, together, successful adults. Others have seemingly really happy childhoods with lots of attention and privilege, and they fall apart. If you can afford it, therapy may be really helpful for you to pick some how you are feeling apart. I've had it due to another trauma in my life (not specifically anything in my childhood), but it's been really beneficial.

I must admit OP that now I'm a parent myself, I look back at my own upbringing and my own parents and there's a lot I'm not comfortable with.

My mum has undiagnosed mental health problems, she was very controlling but at the same time not interested if it didn't fit her agenda. I don't share emotional things with her now because she is crap at that side of things. She throws money at every problem. I still remember one Christmas when I was about 8/9, she threw an absolute shit fit because she had fallen asleep on Xmas eve and my brother and I had carried on wrapping presents without her. I always felt like she favoured my brother. She has an opinion of me and doesn't see that I am not the person she thinks I am. She thinks I am unruly and stubborn when in reality I just don't do what she demands anymore. She doesn't see that I am slowly turning into the emotional matriarch for my siblings that she should be.

It is also with being a parent myself that I can sympathise with her to a degree. It's hard having kids and she had four in six years. She was a SAHM while my dad worked long hours and they had financial difficulties when we were kids. DF worked away when we were teenagers and that must have been hell for her. She does try to help in the ways she can, she does help us financially and she loves being a part of my DC lives. Going through my own mental health struggles as well, I know how hard it can be and I do understand how she probably felt. But that doesn't excuse things and I don't want to be that mum for my kids. I'm also seeing my dad in a new light, as a child he was Disney dad and now I'm starting to think he was an arse.

I had counseling when my DS1 was a baby and they recommended talking to my mum about it. I did and it wasn't a fun conversation. I don't know how much she actually took in, but I felt better saying it out loud.

My kids will probably complain about their childhood. But I just want them to know I did my best with the (crap) tools I had.

@Cloudhopping

I think that this was typical of parenting in the past. I’m 48 and my Dm has never told me she loves me, or kissed or cuddled me. She’s always made negative comments about my looks and likes to point out my failings in the form of ‘humour’! We were often made to feel a nuisance as children and although I’m close to my dm now, it is still quite a dysfunctional relationship. Perhaps some therapy may help? It enabled me to explore my feelings and confront uncomfortable memories in a constructive way. My Dm can still have me crying in frustration and guilt at times but this is much better than it was as I am able to compartmentalise and also appreciate the good parts of our relationship (most of the time!). She had a unloving dysfunctional relationship with her dm and I can understand why she is the way she is to a certain degree.

Ah we were twins ! I'm older than you and would suggest that you accept that nothing you do will ever be good enough for her. It gets easier . It didn't help me to be told after she died how proud she was of me .

It’s very natural to think WHAT IF. I constantly think this. I had a very absent mother who would leave me at home alone whilst she went to work. I had no love or care from her. She was always emotionally distant. I do not remember her ever hugging or kissing me. I’ve also married a man who is emotionally distant and works long hours. We seek out what is familiar. I often think what if I had a living mother? What if my husband showed me affection and love? It’s hard I know but you can have this bond with your children even tho their teenagers.

mindutopia - have you looked at ACE's?

Certainly you have a number of protective factors ( a caring adult in your grandparents), wealth and a private education which will have placed you at an advantage over those who didn't.

Resilience is much easier for those with less ACEs...

And I agree - what makes us "us" is definitely compex. And fascinating.

Your parents sound like thoroughly decent, hard working people and your childhood entirely normal (pre-helicopter culture).

I can't help thinking you're trying to pass off your own shortcomings on to them. A lot, if not the majority of people brought up in the 70s, 80s and even early 90s would have had a similar upbringing to you (I certainly did) and in response to that tend to be fairly self-motivated and resilient.

Either way I'm not sure the source of your perceived 'failings' (I don't like to use that word as I'm sure you have many strengths and qualities!) is all that relevant now, could you maybe look at some kind of solution focused brief therapy? This kind of therapy tends to be more forward facing and pragmatic rather than taking over the past.