How do I break this cycle? Help!

[MilleBee]

I met this guy about 3 years ago. He's lovely in many ways but I just can't trust him. I don't worry about him being u faithful in fact it's the opposite. He's just very very needy. It's like I'm his whole world. I seem to be the only thing he wants even though I have told him many many times that I don't want a relationship.

When we first met he was very up and down. I'd hear from him but then get ignored for ages. I was completley besotted but he just played never ending mind games. Now things are different and all he wants is for us to be together but I just can't commit to it. The problem is that when I try to break it off it's just a complete nightmare. I get suicide threats, turning up drunk at the house, telling me that he can't live without me. It's at the point now where I feel completley responsible for his happiness and life in general.

He keeps lying to me. Telling me silly little lies about things that have happened and what people have said. I realise that I'm so much to blame in all this because I keep taking him back. He promises the world and I'm lonely without him. I'm a single mum of a wonderful little boy.

I just don't seem to be able to break the cycle. I need to be free of this but its just not worth the consequences of breaking it off. I know I'll have to deal with the fallout. I don't want to be responsible for someone's wellbeing but it's just not what I want.

I just keep going back time and time again! Has anyone had any experience of this?....

At this point you are the maker of your own misery. You know who is he and you know he will never change. How many more years of your life are you willing to waste? His well-being is not your responsibility. You know you need to end this madness, so do it. If he shows up drunk, call the police, and his threats of suicide are nothing more than pure manipulation. Stop falling for his bullshit.

He is abusing you.

I need to be free of this but its just not worth the consequences of breaking it off.

Your long term wellbeing, sanity and freedom are not worth the short term discomfort of removing an abuser from your life? The longer he is in your life, the more damage he will cause you.

Put your wellbeing first.

Speak to Women's Aid. Report him to the police.

@Aquamarine1029

At this point you are the maker of your own misery. You know who is he and you know he will never change. How many more years of your life are you willing to waste? His well-being is not your responsibility. You know you need to end this madness, so do it. If he shows up drunk, call the police, and his threats of suicide are nothing more than pure manipulation. Stop falling for his bullshit.

You totally hit the nail on the head in your first sentence. I AM the maker of my own misery.

I don't know how it happens but I'm always left feeling like it's my fault. He tells me that I play games and that I'm ruining his life. I have been completely honest and very blunt and said that I do not want to be with him. I've walked away endless times but he just will not let it go.

I've blocked his number and refused to talk but he ended up contacting me in work. I had messages on any social media platform he could think of. Have ended up coming off FB.

Just when I think I'm strong and I walk away I just feel guilty and can't cope with the barrage of messages.

I do realise how pathetic I sound. Honestly I do. I can't understand this myself. I often wonder if it's me and I'm to blame. I guess I am in a way because I'm not being strong enough.

He's just messaged to say he's coming over. I've said no but he said he's coming anyway as he has a gift for me. I just don't understand this. If someone clearly told me they were not interested I probably be hurt but I would accept it.

This happens all the time. He won't stop. I can't ever see a way out of this.

I would report him to the police. You are being harassed here and this is a crime.

How did he manage to message you if you blocked his number?. He needs warning off via the authorities.

Wow OP this is no way to live , lock the door close the curtains do not answer only to tell him it's over, dont contact me again and if you do I will call the police, then follow through with it. I dont see any other way to get rid of him for good.
Do not engage with him further .

I would call police as well. He’s harassing you. You need to make sure you never respond to him. Just blank all the time. Even tonight when he comes round. Don’t answer door, tell him you’ll call police if he doesn’t leave sharpish.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

How did he manage to message you if you blocked his number?. He needs warning off via the authorities.

I unblocked as having him blocked causes even more problems. He always finds a way and I'm stressing constantly about it getting into work. Work is one thing that is a life line for me. Sad I know but it's so important as I'm in my own. I ended up unblocking because at least then I can be more in control of what's going on. Or so I thought anyway....

I get suicide threats

Call 999.

turning up drunk at the house

Call 999.

I'm lonely without him.

You'll get used to it and not having him around will give you more time to meet new friends etc. There's still all sorts of things going on, or Zoom stuff etc. You'll get used to it and you won't have all the drama.

I'm a single mum of a wonderful little boy.

I know I'll have to deal with the fallout.

Block on everything (after telling him it's over if you wish) and if there's any hassle call the emergency services. Problem solved.

He's pretty much a stalker.

He's just messaged to say he's coming over. I've said no but he said he's coming anyway as he has a gift for me.

Just don't answer the door.

Any messages at work get him blocked/don't reply.

Yes i've been there. I ended up trapped in the relationship for 12 years. These people are manipulative and will keep you trapped for as long as you allow it.

You're not responsible for his wellbeing. He certainly doesn't care about your wellbeing....and also if you genuinely do care about his wellbeing you need to realise something, it is not good to enable things like this in people. You need to detach and he needs to deal with his own issues.

I would report him to the police for harassment and tell them about the suicide threats. If you want to I would also tell one of his family members that you have reported him for harassment and as he has previously made suicide threats before that you want to make them aware. You don't have to do that but if you do or if you don't and just call the police then you need to detach, detach, detach.

Lots of us have been there and wasted so many years of our lives. Don't do the same.

Please call the police and let them deal with him.
I would urge you to read these links also:-

www.suzylamplugh.org/what-is-stalking

www.suzylamplugh.org/reporting-stalking

There is also a helpline you can call. There is help out there for you and he by stalking you is committing a serious crime. If you are receiving persistent unwanted contact that is causing you distress but the person has never threatened you, this is still stalking and is not acceptable.

I would also urge you to call the National Stalking Helpline tomorrow morning when they are open, their number is 0808 802 0300.

@user1481840227

Yes i've been there. I ended up trapped in the relationship for 12 years. These people are manipulative and will keep you trapped for as long as you allow it.

You're not responsible for his wellbeing. He certainly doesn't care about your wellbeing....and also if you genuinely do care about his wellbeing you need to realise something, it is not good to enable things like this in people. You need to detach and he needs to deal with his own issues.

I would report him to the police for harassment and tell them about the suicide threats. If you want to I would also tell one of his family members that you have reported him for harassment and as he has previously made suicide threats before that you want to make them aware. You don't have to do that but if you do or if you don't and just call the police then you need to detach, detach, detach.

Lots of us have been there and wasted so many years of our lives. Don't do the same.

Your post nearly made me cry. I do feel completely trapped. He can be so lovely and at these times life is so much easier. I have someone by my side who I feel supports me. In the next instant it all goes wrong again. The intensity steps up, I get constant messages accusing me of sleeping with other people, flowers left on the doorstep, cryptic messages on social media, the car driving past the front of the house. The list just goes on. I message and say that it's just not what I want but all I get back is poems, love song and memories. Then I wonder if it's me?

I know I have to break out of this for the sake of my son but I just find it so tough. I have done before though and I actually met someone else during that time. He found out though and all hell broke loose.

I don't want to be sat here in another years time in the same situation.

HE is playing games here and messing with your head; you are the victim of a stalker. Its not your fault at all this has happened to you, the responsibility for this all lies with him.

The nice/nasty cycle he shows you is a continuous one and that cycle is one that abusive people use on their chosen target. You were targeted by this individual and he remains a danger to you in terms of your safety.
You have an absolute right here to live your life free of being abused and or stalked as you have been by him. I would urge you to get the help you so badly need from both the Police and the Suzy Lamplugh Trust.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

The nice/nasty cycle he shows you is a continuous one and that cycle is one that abusive people use on their chosen target. You were targeted by this individual and he remains a danger to you in terms of your safety. You have an absolute right here to live your life free of being abused and or stalked as you have been by him. I would urge you to get the help you so badly need from both the Police and the Suzy Lamplugh Trust.

Thank you so much for your advice and for the link above. I will read through them this eve.

I am currently sat at home and every little sound outside makes my heart jump into my throat as I think he's outside. That's not right. Even if I think it's me being too sensitive I know deep down that this isn't right.

Xx

Please don't open the door and call the police if he persists. He's a stalker.

After all your updates it's clear that he is a stalker. To tackle it effectively though you have to have evidence that you have told him not to contact you. So your next message to him should be that you want no further contact with him and any ignoring of this will be harassment and reported to the police. You HAVE to mean it though! It's worth it.

Did he come round op? Hope you’re ok.

He is unhinged. That makes him dangerous. Phone the police for advice. Do not let him in your house. Phone the police if he tries to get in. Follow the advice of the police. You have a child to protect.

When he is nice this is the game he plays to get you. It isnt him.

Why will you not call the police OP? He wouldn't treat another man like this so why are you allowing him to abuse you?

Call the police. Tell them you have tried to manage him but he is escalating. You could end up dead. These types need to be told in the only language they understand!

Good god this isn’t a relationship! He’s playing with you like a cat plays with a mouse.

You aren’t being too sensitive.

He isn’t ‘so lovely’.

Fuck knows why you think you should feel guilty because you don’t want to be in an abusive relationship. You think you should be miserable for the rest of your life so some bloke doesn’t get upset. Even if he did kill himself (he won’t) it wouldn’t be your fault. You aren’t the controller of what other people do with their lives.

You owe it to your son to leave this relationship.

You poor son... why are you exposing him to this madness?

No he didn't come over yesterday but has messaged today asking to see me later. I haven't responded but then got another message asking how my day was going.

This is a typical pattern. I break things off but then very slowly i get these messages again. I wish it could just be left there. I don't reply and then we both just move on with our lives. I just know it wont happen like that. 3 nights a week i am on my own as my son stays with his dad. I worry about these times the most as i seem to be at my weakest with saying no.

@ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley

Why will you not call the police OP? He wouldn't treat another man like this so why are you allowing him to abuse you?

Call the police. Tell them you have tried to manage him but he is escalating. You could end up dead. These types need to be told in the only language they understand!

I cant call the police as he hasn't actually broken the law? I wouldn't even know what to say to them to be honest. I know that i do need to just be much stronger about all of this. I have done that many times though and the message just never gets through.