How do I break this cycle? Help!

[MilleBee]

I met this guy about 3 years ago. He's lovely in many ways but I just can't trust him. I don't worry about him being u faithful in fact it's the opposite. He's just very very needy. It's like I'm his whole world. I seem to be the only thing he wants even though I have told him many many times that I don't want a relationship.

When we first met he was very up and down. I'd hear from him but then get ignored for ages. I was completley besotted but he just played never ending mind games. Now things are different and all he wants is for us to be together but I just can't commit to it. The problem is that when I try to break it off it's just a complete nightmare. I get suicide threats, turning up drunk at the house, telling me that he can't live without me. It's at the point now where I feel completley responsible for his happiness and life in general.

He keeps lying to me. Telling me silly little lies about things that have happened and what people have said. I realise that I'm so much to blame in all this because I keep taking him back. He promises the world and I'm lonely without him. I'm a single mum of a wonderful little boy.

I just don't seem to be able to break the cycle. I need to be free of this but its just not worth the consequences of breaking it off. I know I'll have to deal with the fallout. I don't want to be responsible for someone's wellbeing but it's just not what I want.

I just keep going back time and time again! Has anyone had any experience of this?....

[MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood]

Then call your friends on those nights. This is awful. This is utterly awful. You and your poor child need to be rid of him.

[Haggisfish]

He has broken the law with his behaviour.

[Haggisfish]

www.gov.uk/government/news/government-gives-police-new-powers-to-protect-victims-of-stalking

[MilleBee]

So I just wanted to update on this situation to get some opinions.

This week he sent me a a screenshot of a message he had received on FB messenger. It was an anonymous message he'd had from someone I work with. It said 'You don't know me but I think you should now that *(my name) has been seeing someone here in work'. He sent me a screenshot of it and asked me if it was true.

I haven't been seeing anyone in work (or at all for that matter) so it got me really upset and stressed out. The last thing I want is trouble in work.

After much anxiety and worry on my part I realised something was up. The message just didn't ring true with me. Turns out he'd created the account himself, messaged himself and then taken the screenshot. I assume it was all to get my attention.

Who does that!? What sort of person goes to that length???

[FirmlyRooted]

Someone who is unhinged. Someone who is manipulative. Someone who lies and bullies you. Someone who does not care for you or treat you right. This man will stop at nothing to make you miserable.

I would be furious. He is causing you this pain and anxiety on purpose, with the intent of hurting you. He will probably try to twist it around so that you feel it's somehow your fault, but don't let him. Stay angry!

Leaving a situation like this is very hard, what are some of the consequences you are worried about? Can you talk to HR or your manager and explain that you're leaving an abusive relationship and that you need support in case he contacts you at work?

[MilleBee]

Yep you are right. Already its my fault apparently as I've messed with his head. I've made him feel desperate enough to do something like this. I was so angry when I realised. It's lucky I realised when I did because I was just about to make a complaint about it. Thank god I didn't as I'd have looked like a complete idiot.

[Aknifewith16blades]

Op, stop thinking about why, talk to Woman's Aid and the Police.

Then get some counselling/ do the Freedom Programmme.

You are strong enough to do this.

[TwentyViginti]

You are going to destroy your MH if you don't take action. You have a child who needs you, so get this stalker stopped. You've been given the tools here.

One message to him, telling him you want no further contact so you have that proof, then take action.

[LuluBellaBlue]

Wow as soon as I read your update I thought he’d written it himself as that’s exactly the type of desperate unhinged thing an ex of mine would do (whilst cheating on me anyway!)

Use this latest incident as a permanent DELETE BLOCK ASAP!!
I’d also warn him that if he makes contact you will be logging every incident and going to the police for harassment (inc suicide threats)

[Lightsareon]

Tell work what's happening too OP, you're worried he will cause trouble for you there so get them onside before he can.

[MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood]

I agree with telling work. And the police. And just block him. He is dangerous. Any Suicide threats phone 999.

[Dery]

@MilleBee - why on do you think he has done nothing wrong? He is committing crimes. He is harassing you and stalking you. These are all crimes. And it is incredibly serious – women in your situation have ended up dead, having been murdered by their stalker. This man, with his huge sense of entitlement, thinks he owns you and is entitled to you. That makes him very
dangerous.

Please call the police. Tell them what has been going on. They can help protect you and your child but they can’t do anything if you don’t tell them what’s happening.

You are also entitled to apply for a non-molestation. The National Centre for Domestic Violence (that’s what this is) can talk you through the process. I have some experience of those and am sure from what you describe that the court would grant you one. The order would require this man to keep a certain distance away from you and your house and to stop harassing you and so forth and the police could arrest him if he breached it. But please be clear that he is committing a crime now and the police should already be involved.

Please also tell your employer what’s going on. That is part of keeping yourself and your child safe.

You are not in any sense responsible for another adult’s mental health or decision whether or not to take their life. This is part of his abusive manipulation of you. And it’s working, isn’t it? Because he manages to worm his way back in.

You do not owe this man a relationship. You do owe it to yourself and your child to keep yourself safe from him. I can’t say it enough: please involve the police. No-one here wants to be reading headlines about you and it is honestly that serious.

As others have suggested, I think it would be really helpful for you to do the freedom program and then you would recognise this abuse for what it is.

[HelenUrth]

You came here for help.
Multiple posters have, with good reason, advised calling the police.

Why are you not heeding this advice?

[Dery]

Dear OP - you’ve talked about feeling lonely. Perhaps you’re finding the idea of reporting him to the police difficult because at some level it feels good to have attention from somebody, even if it is unwelcome attention.

I helped a woman get a non-mol who was in a similar situation to you - the relationship was over and she was very clear that she wanted it to be over on the one hand, but on the other hand she was very lonely and to have this particular guy stalking her and hanging around made her feel that at least someone was paying attention.

In the end, she found the scariness of the situation outweighed everything else and she moved and succeeded in getting away from him. He actually managed to track her down years later which was the point at which she applied for (and was granted) a non-molestation order.

It really is better to be lonely than have such a destructive man in your life. You’ve already said that there was potential for another relationship with another man and that was destroyed. You work and hopefully you have other activities which you can enjoy and through which you can meet people, particularly as lockdown eases.

This man is actually inflicting all kinds of emotional and psychological violence on you - he has done throughout your relationship- and making your life far harder than it should be. I hope you will soon feel able to call the police and get the protection you need from this man who has the potential to be very dangerous to you.

[SoulofanAggron]

Block him. You're not enjoying this, are you?

[JessicaSha21]

Sorry I don't know how to respond to people individually.

Dery- yes you are probably right. I am lonely. I have a wonderful family around me but it isn't the same as having that other person in your life. I am finding it incredibly difficult to let go of what I once thought I could have with this person. I'm reluctant to call the police as I don't want to punish the person I once loved.

I'm not stupid and I do understand that I am doing the right thing in walking away and I have done that. I used to feel pain when I didn't speak to him but I don't have that any more.

It's sad that he is a dangerous person as I don't think he really wants to be. That said he is never ever going to change.

I'm not enjoying this as another poster questioned. There is not fun in feeling lonely x

[MilleBee]

So thought I'd update on this thread. Soon after this things started getting really out of hand. More and more 'gifts' being left on the doorstep, car driving past the house and parking outside for hours. He even set up a false Facebook account pretending to be someone in my workplace.

I eventually called 101 and the police were fab. They went over to warn him but within 2 hours he was back here drunk, screaming and shouting. I had a threterning not shoved throigh the door. Called the police again and they went over there again. This time they were more forceful and pointed out that he was on the verge of an arrest and that would affect his job and access to his children.

Since then (Sunday) I have heard nothing more from him. Got everything crossed that that's an end to it all.

Thank you to everyone who replied to my thread and encouraged me to get the police involved. Seems you were all right and it was the ONLY way to get it sorted xx

[leafeater]

Well done to you and the police.

Let's hope that's the end of it. It's very scary when what you thought was a reasonable person (at one stage!) suddenly ratchets it up and is clearly unhinged.

Good luck

[FineWordsForAPorcupine]

Well done, that must have been very difficult and you did the right thing.

Would you consider doing the freedom program? If you've had several years with an abuser, it can be really hard to process what you've been through, and it often makes you vulnerable to other abusive relationships (if you've escaped a level 9 abuser, a level 5 abuser seems like a prince, because "at least he doesn't do xyz).