Huge and ridiculous crush - help!

[OrangeSunset]

I have a crush on someone at work. It’s completely inappropriate - both married blah blah.

I don’t want to, and will not, act on it, but the extent of the crush is messing with my head somewhat. I don’t want it any longer! I am in danger of behaving in an undignified manner just in terms of generally getting flustered and being a bit silly.

While my head tells me it’s ridiculous, and just to not think about it, the damn man is invading my thoughts every waking hour. It’s affecting my ability to concentrate on anything else.

And to be honest, part of me has indulged it as it’s a fabulous distraction from the current general madness.

But, enough. I need this gone from my head and to regain dignity and maturity!

Sadly I have to see him approx once per week so just avoiding is not an option. Do I need hypnostising? Or a mantra? I would seriously pay large sums at the moment to wake up tomorrow and never think of him again in that way.

Help and advise gratefully received!

Well assuming it's not reciprocated I wont be as quick to shout 'change jobs!' but... have you considered this option?

How do you feel about your partner? Could this crush be highlighting something missing from the marriage? Perhaps qualities in this man you wish your husband possessed? Or perhaps even, that he is no longer right for you?

Hmm can’t really change jobs - complicated and unfortunately cannot expand here.

I assume not reciprocated - although am generally clueless in such matters.
I do detect a small twinkle in the eye, but that’s likely me willing it so - see earlier reference to ‘dignity’.

I would say it’s almost certainly a case of grass is greener. Definitely qualities I wished my partner possessed - listening, for one.

However I am neither departing job or marriage in the short-term. Any chance of a quick brain reprogramming in some other way?

Urgh I feel for you except my crush is on my female friend who I also work with. She's already admitted she likes me too in that way and it's all just one big pile of hot mess lol. We are both unavailable too and will absolutely not act on it but my god it doesn't help me fantasize about it. No advice other than you are not alone x

Hmmm...imagine his face on your husband in the bedroom and try get it out of your system once and for all? Lol. Suppose that could go the other way and make it worse though.

Try develop a crush on an actor instead and watch all his films...a lot xD

Find something you dislike about the guy and focus on that.

Pinch yourself hard or eat a food you detest any time you look at him, so that you start to associate him with pain or disgust.

I don't know, hard to find a quick fix for crushes.

Usually just have to ride them out.

Same thing happened here 7 years ago.
Acted on it and 7 years later my life is still a mess...2 broken families..4 heartbroken children.
It is not worth it 100%...

Imagine him taking a shit and having skiddy pants.
You’re welcome!!

@SandysMam that made me spit out my coffee laughing!

Do let us know if it works

Visualise awful things about him. Listening to a colleague is not like how he might necessarily be as a partner.
This is quite cruel, but it worked for me: imagine the humiliation and laughing at you if the crush and others were to find out. Visualise their sniggering faces and hear their whispers mocking you. Imagine the wife laughing at thinking you had a shot. You're also welcome.

@DevilsSpawn that I is waaaaay better (and more calculated!!) than the skid marks, you’re good at this

Ha yeah i have a strong stomach so humiliation works on me better.

@Credenhill22 I completely get it, have no desire to end up in any sort of fix that impacts others, hence my plea for self-managed solutions.

I know, I had almost contemplated showing my hand to get turned down - that’ll do it!

@DevilsSpawn yours is a slightly safer route. I can do cruel, as long I get to move on.

But that implies a logical ability in my mind that currently appears to be malfunctioning. I will nonetheless give it a go.

Right. On the ‘avoid’ note. There is currently non-work chatting on the occasions we are together. How can I avoid said chatting without appearing rude and getting a reputation as a grumpy get? Or do I just have to accept that as collateral damage for being able to move on?

Do you really want to move on OP or did you come here to get permission to go for it? Can you honestly imagine your life without the excitement of all this?

Is your crush more physical or emotional? If it's physical and you trust yourself, I wouldn't try and avoid him as he's bound to slip up and say something that gives you the ick eventually!

@SandysMam yup, I really do want to move on. I can recall exactly the evening when this thing ‘went live’ in my mind and I was perfectly fine before then. Everything else in life was same and not empty. Well, except CV19 but this predates that.

In truth it’s both physical and emotional I think. Honestly, I am not behaving with dignity and it needs to stop. Even thinking/fantasising about someone else’s husband isn’t terribly classy, is it.

Urgh I get crushes now and again on people at work.. my last one/current one is high up at work. Anyway I found his Instagram account wasnt private so had a good look now and again.. now it's gone private and I'm worried sick I've liked his photos and he now knows I'm a crazy stalker

@bellalou1234 that’s exactly the kind of reason why I want to knock this on the head!

I had this for a colleague last summer. Both married (happily in my case) I thought I was going mad! no interest in anything else. I had had a tough couple of years before supporting various family members and this was the first time in years that I had indulged myself in dreams and fantasies. Had my colleague made a move at that point I would have reciprocated like a shot. Nothing happened, I was never sure if he felt the same way, sometimes I was convinced he did but that may have been my wishful thinking. The really intense part lasted about 3 months and was bitter sweet. Mumsnet put me onto limerence which pretty much described my feelings although the strongest element was sexual. In retrospect I think it was my overies last Hurrah. A year on and I am sooo glad nothing happened where I betrayed my husband. I see this colleague less now and I am totally amazed that that such intense feelings seem to have gone. It was a weird time!

OP, you’ll be fine. Don’t act on it.

This is so normal. Especially in times of stress and anxiety. The strength of your emotion is a lot of transfer.

Just remember all the people you’ve fancied before and don’t now. You’ll get over them.

@sage46 I am trying to rationalise it - like you had had a crap couple of years (parent dying, big stress on other side of family) and logically I get that my emotions are about what he represents, not him.

But, how did you get a year on? Did it just subside over time? Did you avoid time together to help that process?

I think the intensity burnt out , but while it was happening I couldn't see any way out of it. I would have given up anything and everything for one kiss, I am usually a rational and down to earth person. I felt like I was on fire when we were in the same room. I think sense slowly started to return for a few reasons, my husband got treatment for his depression and was starting to engage in our relationship again and I started to realise that I could lose 20 years of marriage and my home. The colleague moved to another location so we weren't together so much and the intensity slowly ebbed away. In one way I was sad that the feelings were going because I had felt as high as a kite and lost nearly 2 stone in weight without even trying!, but I was glad too because it had been a total head fuck. I just see him as a very ordinary man now , I still like him but I the scales have fallen from my eyes without him having to do anything. Mostly I am relieved that I didn't make a complete fool of myself. Be patient , it will pass!

@sage46 wise words, I will hang on to the ‘must not make fool of self’ bit. Would also like the weight loss bit.

Ultimately tho sounds as tho you having less contact helped too.

It’s so silly isn’t it. Why can’t we just meet new and interesting people and enjoy that bit, the stimulus and connection without sexual attraction having to get in the way unless we’re actually looking for it.

Although I do accept I may be inadvertently/unconsciously seeking it out if marriage less than 10/10.

I am in this situation too. It's just awful! I am in my third year of feeling this way about him.

He isn't even that attractive, but he makes me laugh. He is quite a bit older than me.

It is mutual, he had made a few comments over the years and sent a few texts that were close to the bone.

I am focusing on that, and trying to tell myself that he is a sleazebag and not think that he is physically very fit, he has lovely eyes and smile.

He should retire in a few years anyway...

Sounds like ‘Limerence’ - if you google that & ‘overcoming Limerence’ it might help?

The definition is:

“Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated”.

OP, “limerence” is the word. There is a lot of help on the subject.
I was in deep mess mental a few months ago. Something snapped me out of it. I don’t feel the same about him anymore. I’d suggest you really really focus hard on his negatives.

Lol 'limerence definition'
Soooooo...a crush then xD

Let's not use fancy words to romanticize a perfectly ordinary occurrence guys come on. Or before we know it we'll be in 'unrequited love's territory and that way madness lies. Madness and ice cream binges on the sofa in your pants.